Cracked Columnists

Rule(s) Britannia

wigdudes.gifThose zany British were in the news again this week, as it was revealed that an obscure law states that it is illegal to die in Parliament---which is like their version of Congress, except that the members call each other "right honourable gentlemen" instead of "treasonous pigfuckers" or whatever they're saying in Washington nowadays. (Note: for approximately half its sessions, Parliament is known as "Funkadelic.")

This fascinating legal tidbit emerged as part of a TV poll which compiled the most ridiculous laws on Her Majesty's books, which also included such gems as "it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store" (hot), "a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet" (superhot), and "the head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen" (I am so goddamn hot right now).

However, the poll's creators must have forgotten the following laws, which while perhaps not strictly verifiable, are nonetheless demonstrably followed to the letter, in a noble effort to prevent anarchy in the U.K.:

  • It is illegal to eat oysters or use a toothbrush during months which do not contain an "r."
  • As a reward for his long service to the nation, John Cleese is legally permitted to kill one Spice Girl per year.
  • Policemen do not carry guns, but if one points his finger at you and says "bang!", it is considered polite to die.
  • Everyone is required to eat "Spotted Dick" at least once a year, but no one is permitted to think it's funny.
  • You can take Mel Gibson's life, but you can never take his freedom (although his life would be just fine, really).
  • No British citizen is allowed to understand baseball. And finally:
  • The entire country must feed, clothe, and pledge undying allegiance to a little old white lady, in return for which she waves occasionally but doesn't say much.

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