October 7th,
I see the city fall to its knees, prostrate before the wave of depraved humanity that infests her. I walk her shadowed angles, the redeemer of her myriad sins. Two men laugh. Fat and content. Soft. Weak. They reek of arrogance. A foul, putrid smell. Like hot dog burps. Or is that actual hot dog burps? Must remember to get mask cleaned. Must cut back on hot dogs. A scream echoes in the night. I smile.
Work begins.
***
Nevermind. Scream was just tires squealing. Been like four hours now and no crime. I walk the alleyways, knee-deep in human filth. Praying for action. A woman jaywalks and I flip her off. Some may call that extreme.
Nowhere near extreme enough, I say. She’s lucky it wasn’t the double bird.
The first bird is only meant to scare. The second? The second one’s for real.
She flips me off back. We stand across the street from one another, still but for the increasingly extravagant sweeping motions I am making with my middle fingers. This battle is lost already, she just doesn’t know it yet. She will know it. I will tell her. And when she cannot take anymore, when she has been flipped the bird so hard that she can feel its spiteful protuberance within that stinking rat’s nest she calls a mind, only then will I stop. Only then will I relent. Two minutes pass. She turns in disgust and leaves. I call it a victory. There is no victory here. Only levels of defeat.
***
A child. Innocence soon to be corrupted. He turns and smiles and I remember what it was like to smile. Always false. Every smile like a promise broken. The truth is a grimace. The truth is a growl. The truth is a howl of rage cut dead in the night. He offers me his ice cream cone. I take a lick. It is vanilla.
The Rocky Road of equality is nowhere to be found.
Empty vanilla.
The flavor of hollowness. You spilled something on your mask, he tells me. Tired of that joke. Weary. So weary of jokes.
***
Finally. There is good work ahead.
A woman ducks into the alleyway behind a laundromat, her child in tow. A man follows. There is sex and anger in his walk. There is violence in his stance. Probably the sick lust of a murderer in his wallet. I follow too. The cold stab of justice is my only identification, and swift retribution is my only credit card. Punches are my dollar bills and quarters are my kicks. Pennies are like… pokes to the eyes. Money analogies getting out of control. I abandon them like a teenage whore leaving her baby on the stoop of a stranger. Crying. Alone. It waits in the cold, yearning for its caretaker but this city is no mother. It is a strange aunt, surrounded by cats. It is ill equipped for a child. It feeds the child nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Poor nutrition in that diet. Child analogies also getting out of control. Realize I have been standing here for 15 minutes thinking about pocket change and cats. Woman is long dead. Man is gone. I leave the boy a nickel.
He will know what it means one day.
Blood money. Ha ha. Get it, kid? Your mother’s dead.
***
Idle chatter. Teeth shining behind false masks of pleasantries. The dim insanity held barely checked behind their eyes. Their every twitch screaming. Screaming for release. Screaming for a cease to this mundane existence, plagued with the disrespect and wasteful edicts of the new Kings. 327 she calls. It is my number. I take my Whopper and leave. The streets are my table. The sins of man are my condiments. Criminals are my napkin. She forgot pickles.
Justice is dead.
Italian sub. Gone. No longer on menu. Just like virtue.
***
Group meeting last night with so called heroes. So called good guys. Their intentions may be good. Their methods are feeble. Evil will not be turned by pretty costumes and media friendly sound bites. Comedian only one who understands. He burns a map for a dramatic exit. Good move. Wish I’d thought of it. Seems more my thing, really. Kind of stepping on my toes, actually. I will attend another meeting and wipe my ass with a flag. Show him who’s edgy.
Silk Spectre bends over to pick up a scrap. I see her lower butt. A lower butt of sin, no doubt. Rotten with the stink of a thousand men rutting in the dark. Dr. Manhattan brushes by me on the way out. His blue dick touched my hand. Does this make me gay? Am I now lustful, corrupted with a sick desire for the penis of a strange blue nuclear emperor? Realize he is god-like being, far beyond human conventions, but he could at least put a sock on it. Just courtesy. But courtesy is a lost child crying on the stoop, abandoned by its teenage whore of a mother.
Not so hard. Get it? Hard. Like the unrelenting blows of a hammer.
Hurm.
Sounds familiar. In danger of recycling analogies. Must think outside the box. Thinking….”Courtesy. It is a kitten drenched in the rain, no warm hug waiting for it at home.” No. Too cutesy. Losing edge. “Courtesy. It is a dead dog, with no mourners in the world. Its life a meaningless series of tragedies gone unappreciated, unwept.” Good. That was a good one. Will repeat it out loud at later date for better impact.
***
Nite Owl. Good man. Naïve. Soft. Objects to my actions. Says hurling a burning trashcan at shoplifter too excessive. Too brutal. What of his brutality? What of the brutality of theft? Of vice? What of the brutality toward the shopkeeper, who could have been absent two packs of Juicy Fruit if not for my actions? Mercy, he says.
Mercy is a dead dog, with no mourners in the world.
He does not laugh. Why does nobody get my jokes? Dream of standup career quickly dying. Dying like a whorish dog, alone in the rainy night. And pregnant. I chuckle to myself. Will use next open mic night.
A rabbi, a priest and a leprechaun walk into a bar. I take down the leprechaun first. Now the others know I mean business.
This entry was posted on Thursday, March 19th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Comic Books. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 10th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
EEEWWW! GROSS! THATS JUST SOOOOOOOOO STUPID! ID RATHER PUKE THAN DO THAT! EW! THATS JUST NASTY DUDE!
October 10th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
You are so, so fucking funny. Every one of your (and Bucholz’) articles reduce me to spasmodic fits.
September 14th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I almost had a hernia laughing.
August 12th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Thanks to the movie I can now hear his rambling voice, trailing off topic like a drug addict on the search for the next shot after he sold his mother’s dining silver, dining silver that has been dulled by the sins and the corruptjgsfsahga…
Thank you, it was a good read.
July 28th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
[...] Paint version, the graphic novel and movie may be dark, but these are all cute, even Rorschach has boring nights, and more Watchmen humor. Can you tell I loved this [...]
July 20th, 2009 at 7:44 am
I loled
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:10 am
Couldnt control my laugh-snort when he was brushed by Dr. Manhattan’s blue penis, i know, i am easily amused by dick-jokes. You’re dealing with a sophisticated audience here Brockway.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Laughed my ass off! I love Watchmen, the GN anyway, and this is right on target.
June 7th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
funny shit you need more like these and less of the shit ones
June 5th, 2009 at 8:16 am
This is one of the most hilarious things I have ever read on the internet.
Congratulations.
April 19th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
[...] Feeling generally content/satisfied. Not feeling proper sentence structure. Have no idea why. Watchmen might be having belated effect on writing [...]
April 14th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
I died of laughter at so many parts
April 10th, 2009 at 8:51 am
I take offense to those mocking me, and will crush them: twitter.com/rorschach1
April 7th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Hi !!! ^_^
I am Piter Kokoniz. Just want to tell, that your posts are really interesting
And want to ask you: what was the reasson for you to start this blog?
Sorry for my bad english:)
Thank you!
Your Piter
April 4th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Holy fucking shit. D at the C did not comment. I take this as confirmation that he loved the article. I loved the article. It was a great parody. He is a bit of a cynical bastard eh?
p.s hilarious that karlojey got “Robert Brockway” wrong effin twice. Was a nice little topper to the article.
p.p.s yea I know.. I read the comment section a lot.
April 4th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
[...] link of the day: Rorschach’s Journal, another boring night Permalink - Comments RSS Feed - Post a comment - Trackback [...]
April 1st, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Dork’s Journal.
Bored. Surfing web but nothing really good. Then I find cracked ripping off Rorschach and making him seem even more of a dick than usual. I laugh. It is an empty laugh. A lie. Much like the laugh of a man who cannot speak for the horror of the blood on his hands.
The blood of justice.
March 30th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Ohjesus, I lol’d.
Thanks for that.
March 29th, 2009 at 4:31 am
Say, you may not be aware of this, but your character bears a striking resemblance to the character Rorschach from the graphic novel (and later movie) Watchmen!
I just felt it apt to inform you of this, in case you weren’t previously aware of the innate similarities between the characters.
March 28th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
ha! definitely brightened my day
March 28th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Hello!
Very Interesting post! Thank you for such interesting resource!
PS: Sorry for my bad english, I’v just started to learn this language
See you!
Your, Raiul Baztepo
March 28th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Nicely done….I see a spin-off.
March 24th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
LOL!
“A woman jaywalks and I flip her off. Some may call that extreme.
Nowhere near extreme enough, I say. She’s lucky it wasn’t the double bird.”
It managed to catch the right style - the metaphors made me laugh the most, because half of them sound like they could be in Watchmen. XD.
Good job.
March 24th, 2009 at 9:18 am
I wasn’t really expected much when a friend recommended this page to me, but oh my God.
This had me laughing so hard. Easily one of the best things I’ve read in a while. I totally lost it at the, “A woman jaywalks and I flip her off.”
Definitely saving this page xD
March 24th, 2009 at 3:57 am
looks like someone’s bitter that Cracked rejected their articles.
March 24th, 2009 at 3:30 am
Hey, Brockway! The real genius in this article was re-titling your journal from “Brockway’s Journal (On a Weed-filled K-Hole Night)” so that it fit in with something people have been discussing for the last month! As a word of advice, I might try horse amphetamines for more creativity, but then again, I’m only repeating the advice your older brother gave you after you barely guessed your way through the GED!
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:47 pm
THIS MADE ME LOL SO MUCH. THANK YOU FOR WRITING IT.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:16 pm
That. Was. Amazing!!!
I was laughing through the entire article and it just kept getting funnier.
“A woman jaywalks and I flip her off.” It started with that
“A rabbi, a priest and a leprechaun walk into a bar. I take down the leprechaun first. Now the others know I mean business.” And then completely blew me away with that one.
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:53 am
The pizza in the fridge was cold, brittle, drained of whatever made it good when it was new. Freshness, warmth, the things missing from evil and darkness.
The cheese was waxy and unsatisfying. Most things are to me but this cheese had a lot in common with my life; things were never meant to be like this. The beginnings were full of hope. Beginnings always are.
The sauce had become pulpy, like the blood matted on the clothes of a long dead corpse. The bitterness in this slice of pizza was magnified. Suddenly I wasn’t hungry anymore.
I find a can of Pabst, the night isn’t a total waste.
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:51 am
[...] Read rest here. [...]
March 22nd, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Fucking win. You nailed it.
March 22nd, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Do another Rorschach entry. That one was hilarious.
March 22nd, 2009 at 3:12 pm
funny. first column of yours I’ve liked. there’s hope yet. keep up the good work. damn, now I’m stuck writing like you writing like rorschach.
March 21st, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Funny. I like it. Only one problem: wouldn’t have Rorschach gone to look for the killer of the lady with the child? It’s not like him to have just missed a murder, and then decide it’s too late to do anything.
Just saying.
March 21st, 2009 at 5:13 pm
I posted before reading other comments and realized my praise was too weak.
My apologies.
* Bob…it really was that good/great/terrific.
(correction: “Watchman” should’ve been Watchmen)
March 21st, 2009 at 5:07 pm
You know, a certain scene in the graphic novel called attention to the absurdity of Rorschach’s narrative style as well: when the publisher of the New Frontiersman hears his assistant reading aloud from the first page of Rorschach’s diary, he starts cursing and asks “Who’s it from, Son of Sam?” and tells him to fling it into the crank file and get back to work.
What’s really funny about that scene is realizing that the boss is right: when you’re reading Rorschach’s diary without the benefit of all those comic book panels showing his activities to clarify why he’s writing all this melodramatic stuff, he really does sound like some kind of goth fag drama queen. He probably should have included a note in the package: “Most important details in last entry, not first. Read last entry first, rest at leisure.” If he didn’t think that would work, a note making a casual bomb threat against the magazine might have been worth a try too.
March 21st, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Damn it!
I haven’t seen the movie yet. When I do, I’ll probably be snickering through every Rorschach scene because this article will be in my head like an internal voice-over.
Funny & clever. Your best submit yet Brockway. Best Watchman submit so far.
March 21st, 2009 at 2:47 pm
“Dr. Manhattan brushes by me on the way out. His blue dick touched my hand. Does this make me gay?”
I rofl’d.
March 21st, 2009 at 2:00 pm
wow… one of best articles on Cracked in a long time! keep it up
March 21st, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Fuck you all, you fucking losers, I hate you.
You took the only good thing in my life and ruined it.
I. Hate. You.
Dumb bitches. Thanks a lot, you fucking jerks.
*commits seppuku*
March 21st, 2009 at 8:38 am
oh lord. i laughed till i cried. brillant. you should def. write more.
March 21st, 2009 at 4:13 am
Until I read this, I thought the article about the Ken Doll was the best.
This definately tops it.
Definately
March 21st, 2009 at 1:50 am
HAHA! I so love this! *snerk!* XD More! More!
March 21st, 2009 at 1:41 am
Oh my fucking god, yes.
March 21st, 2009 at 12:05 am
lol.
March 20th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
“Dying like a whorish dog, alone in the rainy night. And pregnant. I chuckle to myself. Will use next open mic night.”
That part was fantastic. Funny article, too bad it only caters to the niche audience of people who’ve read the comic.
March 20th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
[...] funny: check out Rorschach’s Journal (On a Boring Night) over at Cracked. Posted by ludditeandroid Filed in Uncategorized ·Tags: CRACKED, PARODY, [...]
March 20th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
The best article in the history of the universe. That part about the abandoned whore-baby and the creepy aunt with the cats made me laugh hysterically.
March 20th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
If he made it a blue sock you would barely notice…
March 20th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Awesome, just awesome.
March 20th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
That may be the best article i have ever read. DAMN GOOD JOB!! that last picture comment is incredible =D really made my day
March 20th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Yes, it makes you gay.
March 20th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
“A lower butt of sin no doubt”
genius
March 20th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
[...] The pages of Rorschach’s journal you might have missed. No Comments so far Leave a comment RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI Leave a comment Click here to cancel reply. Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong> [...]
March 20th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Must cut back on hot dogs.
RORSCHACH ONLY EATS TINNED FOOD DONT YOU KNOW ANYTHING AUUGGHG!
March 20th, 2009 at 10:47 am
I’d love to hang out with Rorschach, if only to hear his shitty goth-like metaphors on Burger King and vanilla ice cream.
This was fucking genius Mr. B.
March 20th, 2009 at 10:34 am
I love you. I love you so much.
March 20th, 2009 at 9:49 am
To the people who said this is boring and an epic fail, I really pity you. How can you guys live with no sense of humor…sad..really, why go to cracked.com in the first place.
This piece is really, really funny. Keep it up.
March 20th, 2009 at 8:13 am
[...] journal, on a boring night in the city. [...]
March 20th, 2009 at 7:22 am
This was fucking BRILLIANT!
March 20th, 2009 at 7:01 am
AHAH omg I laughed so hard at
“Dr. Manhattan brushes by me on the way out. His blue dick touched my hand. Does this make me gay?”
brilliant!
March 20th, 2009 at 5:47 am
Epic. This is by far your best work on Cracked.
March 20th, 2009 at 5:18 am
شعراء-
مسلسلات انمي-
افلام انيمي -
افلام كرتون-
March 20th, 2009 at 4:49 am
“Blood money. Ha ha. Get it, kid? Your mother’s dead.”
I LOLed. A co-worker had to come to my cubicle to ask me what is wrong with me.
March 20th, 2009 at 3:33 am
holy shit that was too funny man!!!!
March 20th, 2009 at 1:50 am
marry me
March 20th, 2009 at 1:33 am
one of the best yet, i could’nt hold my chuckle in at the office..
March 20th, 2009 at 1:24 am
Holy shit, this was hilarious. “Dying like a whorish dog, alone in the rainy night.” Good job Brockway, keep it up.
March 19th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
HILARIOUS!!! too good!!
March 19th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
haha that was fucking awesome
March 19th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
That was hilarious. I guess I should read the comic or see the movie or something now.
March 19th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
I am at a loss for words to describe how hilarious that was. I had trouble breathing I was laughing so hard. This is definitely going on the office door.
Well done!
March 19th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
That was too damn funny. Couldn’t stop laughing XD
March 19th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
I just woke from a nap and misread one of the first lines, thinking it said “Two hot men nap.”
That sums that all up.
March 19th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Good stuff RB.
Hailey, read a goddamn book. I suggest Watchmen, by Alan Moore, it has lots of pretty pictures in it also.
March 19th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
I would have appreciated this a lot more if I’d watched the movie. Or read the book. Or learned more than what the trailers taught me.
March 19th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Don’t listen to the haters Brockway, you’re fucking hilarious. 90% of ‘em are like 10 year olds anyway, they just read your articles in between World of Warcraft load screens and want something to bitch about. Awesome article
March 19th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Brockway - of course I expect you to write like Alan F. Moore, mix cocktails blindfolded while dodging speeding bullets, make an exact, 16-decimal calculation of what really connects the meaning of life with the number 42, and get me those DDD-cup hookers I ordered 35 minutes ago.
Naw, still a good article. Was just being a… well… nitpicky douche.
March 19th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
*dies laughing* Oh wow. Wow. Just wow. Pretty much keeled over dead from the first paragraph. I love the motives behind Rorschach’s creepy metaphors, and how they keep getting out-of-control… Brilliantly done. Best Watchmen parody I’ve read yet.
March 19th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Weak.
March 19th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
That was awesome! I’m going to read it again when I need laffs- cheers!
March 19th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
No, Ice. Fake because Rorschach doesn’t eat real food, and he certainly doesn’t pay for it. At Burger King, no less.
March 19th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
hahaha “money analogies getting out of control.” With this image of Rorschach mixed in with that 80s-cartoon theme song youtube rendition of him (he loves dogs! And is wacky!), I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.
March 19th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
not one of your best, man
it’s been a while since you crapped out any good article
March 19th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
FAKE!
Rorschach has no boring nights
March 19th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
so funny mate. Manhattan’s penis touched his hand… fuckin hilarious
March 19th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
منتدى العام-الرياضة المحلية-اغاني الانمي-
March 19th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Just fucking excellent…fucking excellent
March 19th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
قصص-اغتصاب-منتدى الاسلامي-
March 19th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
العاب PS-
العاب PSP-
العاب XBoX-
March 19th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Seriously, stop writing about this film I know nothing about. All of you, stop it. Otherwise I’m going to start leaving comments to keep you all updated on my English three-speed bike that I found in my garage and am trying to make roadworthy. However many Watchmen things you write, I can write twice as many about this bike. I’ve been working on it since Christmas, you know.
March 19th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
منتدى المكياج -
منتدى عالم حواء -
منتدى افلام انمي -
منتدى افلام كرتون -
صور انمي -
March 19th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
افلام انيمي -
افلام كرتون-
March 19th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
You’d have to be MAD not to realize how CRACKED this story is - I guess it’s all starting to sINK in or now…oh yeah and all the top Craption contest winners appear to be cheating but nobody notices…..
March 19th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Brockway you are a Genuis. That was brilliant.
March 19th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
win
the words are like a person that pissed off chuck norris and brockway a forceful roundhouse kick
March 19th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Oh that was AWESOME. I loved “he could at least put a sock on it.” Damn, that was funny!
March 19th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
you the man.
March 19th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
That was goddamn hilarious. The caption for that last picture was the best.
March 19th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Ha! This was really good, inspired me.
March 19th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Love it.
March 19th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Hilarious.
Hilarious like the time I ripped muzzle off barking dog, his antics directed at an innocent tree. Who’s barking now? Ha. Ha.
March 19th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Oh God, I laughed so hard.
March 19th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
i honestly loved this. an excellent parody.
“…this city is no mother. It is a strange aunt, surrounded by cats. It is ill equipped for a child. It feeds the child nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Poor nutrition in that diet.”
xD
March 19th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
A-Fucking-Mazing.
March 19th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Good job! I wanna see more of this kind-of stuff =]
March 19th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Read this, smiled.
Found out whorish co-worker not coming in.
She is sick, sick like a dead dog.
Good way to start day.
March 19th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
I love you. I seriously love you. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. I LOVE this! Thank you for writing this!
March 19th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Fantastic.
March 19th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
BEST.
ARTICLE.
EVER.
March 19th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Brockway should write for the sequel, or at least the prequel since he already got started
March 19th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
this was awesome. i love you(’re stuff (written stuff))
March 19th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Rorshach wasn’t crazy when Comedian burned the map.
GOOD LORD I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN READ THIS SITE ANYMORE.
March 19th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
“Dr. Manhattan brushes by me on the way out. His blue dick touched my hand. Does this make me gay?”
Ha! Genius!
March 19th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Brilliant. I love it.
March 19th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Please do Punisher War Blog next.
March 19th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Oh, and the paragraph between the nickel and the Burger King was pure genius.
March 19th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
For a second I thought you were calling *me* a nitpicky douche (though that might not be an inaccurate statement…). Then I realized it was capitalized and figured out you were talking to another poster.
Nice Marshall MacLuhan quote. You (and Marshall) are, of course, correct that the medium is the message. As for you being a “hack comedy writer”… well… I’m not even funny in passing, so you at least have me beat (ergo you also have a fan).
And to the idiots who wrote “fail’ and “tl;dr”, Brockway is dead on. Those are the internet geek equivalent of caveman grunts. Come back when you can speak in full sentences.
March 19th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Believe it or not, I didn’t even have to read this story because when I looked at Mr. Rorschach’s mask this story is what I saw!
March 19th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
thats a picture of the only burger king in prague. how and why did you find that particular photo?
March 19th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
It’s interesting how we each see something different in Rorschach’s story, isn’t it? Kinda like those ink-blot tests, in a way.
March 19th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Fan-fucking-tastic.
March 19th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
That last caption was the best part of the whole thing.
March 19th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
wow that was funny.
shame they didnt use that in the movie
March 19th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
I liked this article. But I could not love it. Love is a mother cyring over the corpse of her dead son, Emotion.
March 19th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Oh My God, that was the best thing I’ve read in a long time. Loved the whole tone of the piece.
Could so hear Rorschach’s voice saying this. Pure genius.
Thank you for brightening my day, I’m still laughing now….drawing strange looks but what the hell!
March 19th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Oh God this is brilliant.
“A rabbi, a priest and a leprechaun walk into a bar. I take down the leprechaun first. Now the others know I mean business.”
March 19th, 2009 at 11:44 am
What, now I have to watch this stinking movie to understand half the jokes on this website?
March 19th, 2009 at 11:38 am
So you got it wrong twice?
March 19th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Wow Chris, this is really Rorsharch-esque. You sure you ain’t him?
Hurm =)
March 19th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Wow Bucholz, this is really … Rorsharch-esque. You sure ain’t him?
Hurm =)
March 19th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Absolutely brilliant
March 19th, 2009 at 10:51 am
that last picture was the icing on the cake
cake of death and whores or something.
March 19th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Well that was pure self indulgent nonsense, rather like Sin City, and like that film I finished reading/watching it.
Although I’m still not sure whether I liked it, also like the film.
March 19th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Dr. Manhattan was definitely wearing a classy leotard “V” thing. Or pants. I can’t remember. But if he purposely pulled it off to brush his glowing blue penis on Rorschach’s hand…even better.
Great article.
March 19th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Cuindless, Nitpicky Douche
Holy shit! Valid, constructive criticism on a Cracked article?! Are you guys lost or something?
You both are completely right, of course. But I actually had to go back through and add a lot of the pronouns to have it make sense as a strict narrative. With the comic and, to a lesser extent the movie, you have visual action pacing with the narrative to keep you attached to the character as you read/hear his thoughts, or to provide action cues that accompany his dialogue. In pure text, that doesn’t really work.. It seems muddled and hard to follow, so I had to mix it up a bit to keep readability. This is basically Moore’s entire point for hating adaptations of his work: He writes with every aspect of a comic in mind, the writing, story, dialogue and art are synced to each other all the way through. The message is the medium. Adapting his words to any other form loses something.
Also, I’m just a hack comedy writer for the internet. You don’t really expect me to write like Alan fucking Moore, do you?
Also, I believe “epic fail” officially joins the ranks of “meh,” and “tl;dr,” as the text equivalent of retarded grunts. These words mean nothing. You take more effort to sign in and write them than you do to come up with them. If you habitually put more effort into moving your lips instead of paying attention to the crap that comes out of them, perhaps you don’t actually have something to say, and should remain quiet.
You can hate, that’s perfectly fine. But at least try to hate in complete sentences, and in your own words.
March 19th, 2009 at 10:38 am
UEEUEAUHAEUHUuh very nice… that would be Rorschach if he was more sane.
March 19th, 2009 at 10:33 am
That was great.
Keep it up!
March 19th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Excellent, extremely well done. I could hear it all in his voice.
March 19th, 2009 at 10:25 am
This is really good. The opposite of bad. Bad. Like black puddles of innocent blood on a barren street that leads to emptiness. Empty. Like writing on ice with invisible ink.
March 19th, 2009 at 10:15 am
“I will attend another meeting and wipe my ass with a flag. Show him who’s edgy.”
Great. After reading this everyone at work thinks I’m insane because I started laughing and couldn’t stop. The image of Rorschach doing that is terrifying and beautiful at the same time. Like…like a dead dog, but with a picture of really nice tits stapled to its head.
March 19th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Hmm… too many “a”s and “the”s. Rorschach removed definite article from speech. Wrote more like this. Still was funny, but would have been better if more accurate.
First sentence might read like: “City falls to its knees tonight, prostrate before putrid wave of depraved humanity that infests her.”
March 19th, 2009 at 10:08 am
I’m having one of the worst days of my life, and this made me laugh my ass off. Thank you!
March 19th, 2009 at 9:46 am
You’re a friggin genious!!!!
March 19th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Best Watchmen-related thing on this site so far. Yes, that’s saying a lot. Still.
March 19th, 2009 at 9:23 am
“Dream of standup career quickly dying.”
…like a dog in an alley, perhaps? Damn, that line really Cracked me up.
March 19th, 2009 at 9:17 am
I’m with Dylan, best thing on this site for quite a while besides the stuff that DOB writes.
March 19th, 2009 at 9:10 am
My boss gave me more work because of you. The BK bit, and the analogies made me lol. Also, the smell of hot dog.
March 19th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Best thing I’ve read on this site in quite some time that was not written by DOB.
March 19th, 2009 at 9:07 am
This is your best post I’ve read!!! Keep it up!
March 19th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Wow, this was definitely the funniest thing I’ve read all week.. That last quote below the picture is just hilarious!
“A rabbi, a priest and a leprechaun walk into a bar. I take down the leprechaun first. Now the others know I mean business.”
Haha
March 19th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Hahaha wow that sounded just like what he put in his journal too.
March 19th, 2009 at 8:45 am
but he could at least put a sock on it. Just courtesy.
LOL!! Instant Classic
March 19th, 2009 at 8:35 am
“I take a lick. It is vanilla”.
Brilliant.
March 19th, 2009 at 8:20 am
This is amazing. Simply
Amazing. Am
az
ing
Simply gnizama
Wow.
March 19th, 2009 at 8:20 am
It seems suitable that if Rorschach’s comedic goal falls short, he could at least become a veterinarian. Under that cold exterior, he sounds quite compassionate towards domestic animals. Loved it, Brockway!
March 19th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Haven’t seen the movie yet. Nailed comic version of Rorschach completely.
Hurrrm.
March 19th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Possibly the best thing I’ve ever readon Cracked, utterly amazing, like a dead dog.
March 19th, 2009 at 8:15 am
This journal was win. The BK part made me lol.
March 19th, 2009 at 8:14 am
That was great. Good job.
March 19th, 2009 at 8:03 am
A for effort, but needs some work on getting Rorschach’s voice down. He’s almost first person pronoun-phobic.
March 19th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Current count is 2 for “fail” against 16 for “great”….add me to the latter category.
March 19th, 2009 at 7:39 am
This was…. kind of amazing.
March 19th, 2009 at 7:10 am
empty vanilla. i’ll never eat that flavour icecream the same way again.
March 19th, 2009 at 7:03 am
Damn that was funny! You nailed the Rorschach vibe. Good man!
March 19th, 2009 at 7:01 am
I lol’ed….
March 19th, 2009 at 7:01 am
lolz Fantastic!
March 19th, 2009 at 6:59 am
awesome.
March 19th, 2009 at 6:59 am
Made my day!
And shout out to abi!
March 19th, 2009 at 6:45 am
This was hilarious.
March 19th, 2009 at 6:03 am
fucking excellent.
March 19th, 2009 at 6:02 am
woot. loved it.
March 19th, 2009 at 5:46 am
Hahaha! I love Rorschach to death, but this is hilarious.
I shall go to his next open mic night.
March 19th, 2009 at 5:45 am
Dude, that was hilarious. Make this a regular thing.
March 19th, 2009 at 5:35 am
It’s stuff like this that make sitting through the work day worth every moment. GG sir, GG.
March 19th, 2009 at 5:27 am
Great article!
I would have laughed louder, but i’m at work atm…
March 19th, 2009 at 5:26 am
Out of all the fucking brilliant Brockway posts this is by far the best.
March 19th, 2009 at 5:20 am
Man, that was an amazing article! Nailed the dialogue, and still managed to be hilarious.
March 19th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Loved it.
March 19th, 2009 at 5:01 am
@ Samo
Your saying it wrong!
“The guy opposite of me is crying. Good. His warm tears streaming down give me a sense of joy. Like that feeling I used to know. When the pregnant dog brushed my leg before it died.
The guys shivers are building up. I’m afraid the table might shake and that my hands would shake. I only shake my hands to fight. I shall fight him now”.
March 19th, 2009 at 4:52 am
Brockway you glorious bastard
March 19th, 2009 at 4:43 am
Oh, this made my day.
March 19th, 2009 at 4:39 am
This is actually hilarious, i’ve just passed a job psychometric test and can’t stop laughing. I’m sitting opposite a guy who failed, and i think he’s crying. Not going to look up and check though incase he gives me the evil stare, i’ll just let him keep thinking i’m laughing at him
March 19th, 2009 at 4:37 am
Fucking Great!
March 19th, 2009 at 4:37 am
my god was this boring…..epic fail
March 19th, 2009 at 4:36 am
Holy crap, I died while reading this, well done. This article adds a whole new layer to the book. Now I understand Rorscach’s motives and his complex psyche. Underneath the tough guy exterior, he’s just a joker.
March 19th, 2009 at 4:33 am
Dude Rorschach would be the best stand-up comedian ever lol
March 19th, 2009 at 4:22 am
Fail, Mr. Brockway, epic fail!