Let me preface this post by saying that I like Weezer as much as the next guy, which means that I have either purchased or downloaded every album and listen to the green one regularly. Weezer’s music is good; it’s hook-y and pop-y and nice for my ears to eat.
So the question I’m posing is, at what point did Rivers Cuomo become the creepiest guy in the world?
In the beginning, part of the band’s appeal was that they helped coin the term “nerd rock.” Here was a guy, like you, who lived in his garage playing Dungeons and Dragons and getting his heart broken by the cool girls. Not like me, of course, but like you. That was his thing.
He did a video with The Muppets, and Happy Days, and dogs. You can’t get much more likable, right? I mean without doing a video with, say, Santa Claus and Jesus shooting off bottle rockets.
As far as my personal Rivers experiences go, the first time I realized he was a little off was when I read a pretty lengthy interview he did with Rolling Stone (worth the read), in which it was revealed that he occasionally did wacky things like get depressed and lock himself in a tiny apartment with all the walls painted black and nothing but a sleeping bag, a microwave, and a bunch of frozen burritos.
Or that he and the band didn’t really get along because he won’t let them write any of the songs on the albums and docks their studio pay if they don’t play to his exact specifications.
There was other crazy stuff in there, but I can’t remember it all, so I’ll just say he also likes to have lobsters pinch his nipples all the time on the tour bus, and they have to have a special lobster tank with them when they go on tours.
Then came his widely-publicized vow of celibacy, which is kind of redundant if he’s truly the nerd he claims to be. Hell, I could’ve knocked that vow out many times over by now without even trying. In fact, I’d say you’ve got to be kind of a ladies man if it makes press when you don’t have sex.
Then my friend told me he was on a Buddhist retreat and saw Rivers there, but that Rivers wouldn’t talk because he’d taken a vow of silence for the duration.
Then he grew this mustache.
So at that point, my mental image of the man is getting fairly “out there,” but when I see Weezer at Coachella, I still imagine going backstage and playing Xbox with him, so I can’t be too wierded out.
Rivers Cuomo has a Youtube channel dedicated to collaboratively writing a song with his fans, and as cool as that sounds, it’s not. It’s horrifying. His rambling, run-on sentences, huge lapses in cognizance and wild, rolling eyes will forever haunt my Youtube viewing history. For me, this was it. The official point at which Rivers Cuomo lost all “cool nerdy outcast” status and became that weird guy who stands outside the grocery store and does gun fingers at people as they exit.
Watch them at your own peril. And please, someone, tell me there’s a joke here that I’m not getting.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael practices the opening of “My Name is Jonas” on achoustic guitar as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
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November 12th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
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October 6th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Ummm he grew a mustache because his dad had one when he was a child, and he is now married with a kid. Also, he now lets the others write and sing. Also, I really don’t see why the youtube stuff is that weird at all? They’re definitely odd for a celeb to do, because he totally just ‘chats’ with people on there… but… I dunno, I find the stuff he USED to do, MUCH stranger than the things he does NOW.
June 10th, 2008 at 7:36 am
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May 25th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Hey Swaim, just saw the Weezer Pork and Beans video. How does it feel to rip off by such a “genius” as Rivers Cuomo? I could also ask that question of South Park or Family guy too.
May 24th, 2008 at 6:54 am
There is a joke you’re not getting. It’s that Weezer are shit and you bought at least one of their records.
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:39 pm
I will have to look into weezer. Or I might already listen to them. They may even be paying in the backround. I don’t pay attention to what music my friends play.
May 23rd, 2008 at 2:45 pm
everybody has their quirks that alarm and scare people……
until dead hookers are found….no news
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:47 am
Blue Album is still his best, and I’ve listened to that album literally about 800 times. Maladroit was ruined by the fans, but if they would have produced it themselves it would have been better. Make Believe was a heaping pile of filth. I don’t have the heart to look at the videos. It would be painful.
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:37 am
I’m sorry, the green album sucks. It’s when they went commercial, popping out songs from his “formula”. The songs aren’t bad, but the album is as every song is basically the same. Pinkerton is their best work.
May 23rd, 2008 at 2:30 am
I’m… I’m sorry, Swaim. There’s… There’s no joke here.
Only an endless river of sad.
May 22nd, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Looks like he went straight to Crazy, skipping that awkward Vulnerable-Celebrity-Converts-to-Scientology phase. Good for him!
May 22nd, 2008 at 9:03 pm
I figured out that, in the first video in the series, Rivers blinks 10 times over the course of 97 seconds.
The average man blinks once every four seconds. Rivers blinks once roughly every ten seconds.
That is NOT NORMAL.
May 22nd, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Swaim… I don’t mean to be a dick, you’re my favorite blogger and everything… but it’s “acoustic”, not “achoustic”
May 22nd, 2008 at 8:23 pm
dude stfu seriously. these videos are incredible.
May 22nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Jason Porter, go soak your head. If you can’t read a comedy article without getting insulted that someone is poking fun at your way of life then you have no business on CRACKED
May 22nd, 2008 at 7:49 pm
To GTRrocker
You are a moron, the article is pretty damn funny. Go post comments on your Weezer board where people care about your opinion, which is not here.
Fuck you,
I don’t care about your opinion of Swaim, because I suspect that people laugh at you a lot already and not in a good way.
PS Nobody cares to read about errors in a humorous article. It not like it’s a fucking doctorial dissertation or something.
May 22nd, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Read about all the errors in the article here:
http://www.albumsix.com/bboard/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=1843&p=45997#p45997
May 22nd, 2008 at 6:37 pm
a. I love these vides, and most importantly….
b. Rivers has ALWAYS been this way.
Even though he sort of IS this way, you know the way he’s acting that way somewhat intentionally. He’s changing the pitch in his voice and putting fish eye filters on them, for Christ’s sake.
I like Rivers’ persona a lot these days, mainly because it seems somewhere in between every single one of his past extreme personas. In other words, he seems like he’s finally content and has found what’s right for him.
May 22nd, 2008 at 6:30 pm
To the writer,
You are a moron. This article is one epic fail. Go blog somewhere else, where people care about your opinion, which is nowhere.
Love,
I don’t care about your opinion of weezer, because if you died tomorrow I’d laugh.
May 22nd, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Can anyone say Brian Wilson. I get the feeling he has moved to youtube collaboration because no one will play with him in real life.
May 22nd, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Thanks for making hate Rivers, Swaim. You dirty, dirty, bitch.
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I feel sort of bad for rivers in these videos, he looks so scared i sort of think he’s doing this at gunpoint.
but the mustache makes me think whenever he moves he’ll have to let his neighbors know all about him and his….past.
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Love the Internet Party 2 video. I want to do unspeakable things to Facebook, for she is hot.
Loved the rickroll at the end. Pure comedy gold.
Oh, and this blog is ok too.
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:28 pm
This is really unfortunate, yo. Make Believe was sort of shitty, yeah, but I didn’t think Cuomo was losing his grip on reality. He seemed like a cool guy.
The moustache, however, sort of clinches this.
Not to mention he looks like he is terrified to see you. Absolutely terrified.
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I love Weezer, I’m pretty sure they could comfortably coin the phase nerd-Punk. Unfortunately…River Cuomo….wow.
Speaking of his vow of celibacy, there’s a video circulating of Weezer’s appearance on Colin’s Sleazy Friends, in which River cups a stripper’s boob in the same way a bomb-disposal expert cradles an undetonated package of C4. Poor uncomfortable bastard.