5 Reasons Threesomes Aren't As Awesome As You Think

Once, in a world both distant and full of tears, I invited myself to a group sex orgy humptathlon, and it was weird. I felt weird. I looked weird, and it was because I was naked. Others looked more or less weird, based on my personal tastes and standards, because they were also naked. But the whole thing had less an air of intimacy about it, and more an air of "tailgate party with balls." Was there a way to mix the debauchery of more than one partner with the relative intimacy of less than 30 partners? Yes. The answer was sex with less than 30 people. I decided to try three.

#5. "Third Wheel" Is An Expression For A Reason

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To clarify before anyone corrects me, I know the idiom is "fifth wheel," but we fudged it into "third wheel" in the popular vernacular, and I'm sticking with it. Anyway, the reason you see two people out on a date way more often than you see three is because no one likes a third asshole. Literally and figuratively. The third one is in the way and will inevitably be a distraction to one or the other. Someone is always feeling left out when there are three people.

Jupiterimages/Goodshoot/Getty Images
On the bright side, this gives you way more time to quietly spit in their beer.

Asking a couple if they would be amenable to you joining them is awkward at best, and I've found even getting them to include you in dinner plans can be a hassle. Naturally, this likely has a lot more to do with me as a person than the idea of any random person, probably, but I imagine there's at least some generalities here. Of the several couples I approached, it took an offer to pay for all three of us to see a movie just to get that far. This was killer for my self-esteem. I'm like a reverse prostitute, and not the good kind: the kind who has weird-smelling gaps in their oak-shaded teeth. I don't have that, by the way. Makes it all the more sad.

#4. This Will Test A Friendship

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If you ask your best friend and his wife if they'd like to have a threesome, be prepared to sit on the sofa for a moment not saying anything. This will occur when you do the same with your next-best friend, your old roommate, and the neighbors. It's the go-to reaction. It doesn't last long, but I suggest you savor it, because you're going to be wistful for it fairly soon.

In general, you could sum up most people's reactions to being asked for a threesome as, "No." If you'd like specifics, well, let me just say I'm not welcome at a couple of Christmas parties now.

Ulrik Tofte/Photodisc/Getty Images
Apparently, it's out of favor to get drunk and spend most the time
leaning crotch-first under mistletoe.

In all likelihood, you're going to want to use a little class to broach the subject and -- this is key -- do so with a couple in which at least one member has at some point expressed something even remotely close to attraction to you. This is for your own good. But hey, I'm writing a comedy article, so I literally asked the first five couples I could find. Plus, a hilarious bonus I'll get to later. No reading ahead, you little comedy scamps!

I learned fairly early on that, if I'm friends with a guy and then became friends by proxy with his wife or girlfriend later on, simply by virtue of being friends with the male half, the female friendship can become remarkably tenuous when you propose a debaucherous interlude. I feel like for this to ever work, both halves of the couple have to have the exact amount of interest at the exact same time to avoid alienating one another. Like, if the dude was all, "Hot damn, man sex!" and his wife was maybe less impressed with the idea, that would be bad for their relationship. Likewise, if she hopped in my lap right away and called me papi or whatever, he might start wondering if there was more to this spur-of-the-moment invitation than meets the eye. Realistically, both parties probably have to think something like, "Well, better than a Big Bang Theory rerun," and say it out loud in unison. Anything else, and one of us is never getting looked in the eye again.

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Suggesting you actually watch the rerun will produce the same result.

#3. No One Trusts Me

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When you write comedy articles for a living, and people know this, they will automatically assume something is up when you approach them out of the blue with a request for somewhat-askew sex. After that period of silence I mentioned earlier, my friend asked me if this was for an article. That's the world I live in now. I can't just want to have sex with my friends for kicks; it has to be because Cracked is paying me to do it. Incidentally, Cracked did not pay me to have sex with my friends, per se. I tried to have sex with my friends, and then, afterward, informed Cracked that I was billing them for it as a result of the article I wrote. So it's not like Adam Brown is my pimp. He's more like a peepshow enthusiast paying to see my goodies after the fact. The difference is subtle, but it may come up in court one day. Who am I to say?

Adam Tod Brown
I mean, the shades are pimpish, but the hat is clearly all wrong.

In total, three of the couples from whom I requested a threesome assumed right off the bat that it was for an article, and that immediately disqualified it as a possibility. Like your sex is so fucking majestic it couldn't possibly be fodder for comedy. Listen, kids: No matter what you do when you rub your grunt widget against your partner's squirt goblin, I guarantee that if you include me, something hilarious is going down. I don't even need to bring a spinning bow tie or a sidesplitting awooga horn. Sex is always about two farts and a well-timed pun away from a vaudeville act, and that's the way it should be. No one likes Downton Abbey sex, when your pinkie is up and everyone is dour and clenched. That's how old people fuck. Trust me, I watched some at that orgy.

NBCUniversal Television Distribution
Also, Earl Grey tea is a terrible lube.

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