Cracked Columnists

Reasons Hulk Hogan's Wife Filed for Divorce

  • She came to realize the phrase "Hogan Knows Best" is accurate only in the context of how to reverse a figure four leglock.
  • He insisted on having old announcer buddies narrate their rough sex sessions.
  • He was never emotionally available to her, the kids had finally grown, and he refuses to wear sleeves.
  • The trauma of their son's reckless driving arrest drove her to question their parenting skills aloud, to which Hogan replied by flexing angrily and growing a ludicrous mustache.
  • His steroid-shriveled testicles and steroid-engorged everything else.
  • The entire 24-year marriage was a sham; in reality, she was in league with the NWO all along and now she and Kevin Nash are banging like Bonobo Monkeys.
  • One day she saw him without his bandana and realized he's not only bald, but has what dermitologists indelicately refer to as "the scabby scalp."
  • VH1 execs noticed a ratings dip last season, and cutting the brake lines on Nick's car didn't boost the numbers as much as they'd hoped.
  • It's been a month since Hulkamania ran wild all over her, and when it did it took an hour of sensual massage, a fistful of Viagra, and absolute silence.
  • She has the Internet: