From Internet flame wars to reality TV, from road rage to the tabloids, anger is playing an ever increasing role in our society. Whether this is because communication is breaking down, social etiquette is being phased out or assholes are just breeding more often, anger seems to be on the upswing, and scientists are furiously scrambling to find out why. Here’s a little of what they’ve got so far:
Bangor University’s School of Psychology has spent a good deal of time researching the reason why so much more energy seems channeled into anger instead of happiness, and why angry people get more attention than the positive ones. For an example, just look to the comments section of most websites: You’ll generally see a lot of positivity there at first, but little by little, it will all start to go wrong. Insulting comments start to crop up, and they are responded to–again insultingly–until the whole thing devolves into a giant pantie-fight over minor technicalities and personal opinions.
“It’s ‘there,’ not “their,’ and there’s no “the” in front of “Watchmen” and RRRAARGHAAAAAAHHHH!!! I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!!!”
But it’s not entirely the Internet’s fault. When the Bangor scientists studied the section of the brain that responds to angry, happy or neutral faces, they found something interesting: This area is also tied closely to areas of the brain associated with survival instincts–like your fight or flight reflexes. When you detect anger in your vicinity, your facial recognition center suddenly lights, allowing you to better detect possible threats. Or, as one researcher puts it, “The ability to remember who is angry may have been of evolutionary importance in enabling us to respond to a threat situation. Remembering who’s happy is less important as it bears no relation to our own immediate safety.”
As a side effect of this–our brains being wired to pay more attention to anger–any pissed off dickhead who is otherwise irrelevant, will still seem much more important to you than a reasonable person who should otherwise take priority. It’s not necessarily the case that there is more negativity, it’s just that you pay more attention to it. So basically, the concept that “all you need is love” has officially been disproven by our very genetics. Sorry, hippies, but the brain has spoken: Impending punches are just flat out more important than Eskimo kisses.
Researchers have recently identified something in the human brain that they are calling the ‘Hate Circuit.’ Presumably located right next to the ‘Awesome Processor’ and just behind the ‘Titties Motherboard,’ the hate circuit consists of two subcortical areas of the brain that work in concert to create the emotional response of hatred in human beings. The Wellcome Laboratory of Neurobiology at UCL discovered this circuit in a study they conducted, wherein the brains of participants were scanned as they were shown pictures of people they personally hated, interspersed with other familiar, but otherwise neutral acquaintances.
When the subjects were shown pictures of the hated subject, heretofore known as the Motherfucker Control, two areas called the putamen and the insular cortex kicked into high gear. These areas are also associated with motor planning–so when the participants saw the Motherfucker Control, their brains immediately began preparing to act.
Pictured: Motherfucker Control
Now, that’s not to say they were revving up to fight or to flee–just gearing up for some sort of physical reaction. But if you’re not fighting or running, and your brain is still signaling some kind of action, what do you think that action’s going to be?
That’s right, science has officially found the ‘fuck you’ center of the brain.
You may want to sit down for this one: Scientists believe they may have found a link between alcohol and aggressive behavior. I know, right? Next thing you know you’ll tell me there’s some sort of mysterious link between Cracked writers and registered sex offenders. You so crazy, science!
But amazingly, it’s true! There’s a gene called MAOA that produces an enzyme which breaks down chemicals in the brain associated with mood. 174 prisoners–all with both a history of alcoholism and records of violent tendencies–were the subjects of a recent study conducted by Finnish scientists. The scientists, now in possession of about 200 violent criminals with poor impulse control, decided that the most logical thing to do was to get them all fucking hammered and then poke at them with needles because, as we all know, Finnish scientists have infamously giantic science-balls. They found that not only did all of the criminals show a drastically increased risk of impulsive violence, but all were registering highly active versions of MAOA in their brains as well.
Pictured: Scientific Progress
The researchers, all graduates from the Clint Eastwood University Of Just Not Giving A Shit, hope that one day their results could eventually lead to a pharmacological solution for this condition: In other words, someday there may well be a “don’t be such a fucking prick when you’re drunk,” pill.
Soccer hooligans, hillbillies and Bostonians (or at least their neighbors): Rejoice!
New studies are being conducted in Japan, focusing on the areas of the brain responsible for both envy and schadenfreude. Japanese scientists are scanning groups of students with an MRI machine while they’re forced to read stories about rich, lucky and successful people, followed by tales where life just shits all over the protagonist. Unsurprisingly, they found that subjects reading the “lucky” stories basically felt like life had lightly grazed their souls in the junk, invoking that slow, ebbing pain that crawls up your gut and is somehow worse than a direct hit–while the “hard luck” stories inspired a particularly spiteful kind of well-being, like sunning yourself on a clear spring day… on top of an orphan.
“Where your parents, kid?! Huh? Where your family!? Haha! You so gettin’ sat!”
But unexpectedly, they also found that these feelings were less like emotional responses, and more similar to actual, physical sensations. Envy is registered in the mind like a real feeling of bodily pain, while schadenfreude induces a pleasant euphoric state akin to a low grade orgasm. Well, mostly it’s just a low grade orgasm, but I suppose that if you’re truly evil enough, you could get a more literal orgasm from watching the suffering of others. And this would certainly explain Skeletor’s constant O-Face.
Happy Nightmares! Love, Robert.
Behavioral scientists have a keen interest in the increasing trend of so-called “webrage”: the tendency for Internet commenters to spew naught but filth and bile with little to no provocation (for some handy examples, just scroll all the way down to the comments section!) But aside from vitriol-laden feedback sections wrought with verbal filth and textual disease, the scientists are also pointing to the rise of new websites, like mybiggestcomplaint.com and justrage.com, which are dedicated exclusively to the world’s saddest expression of rage: Angry typing. These sites don’t even pretend to have content, they’re exclusively devoted to venting nerd fury for no valid reason. Although that does finally answer the age old Zen Riddle: If there were no Internet to flame on, would flamers still flame?
“Nice qeustion r-tard. lol wut fuck u newfag” - Behavioral Scientists
These researchers all differ on what, exactly, is causing this outpouring of impotent rage–some point to the anonymity of the Internet providing a consequence-free environment for dickotry, while others blame the anger on a lack of emotional cues like voice fluctuation and body language–but all can agree on one thing: The newfound ability to distance ourselves emotionally, while simultaneously remaining connected on a global level is leading to an overall increase in both anger and stress levels across the board. So, while the Internet may have linked humanity via information, and possibly ushered in a new era of human intelligence, it’s also allowed us just enough distance to constantly tell each other to go fuck ourselves unconscious for no apparent reason with a previously unheard of lack of empathy and remorse.
And on a completely unrelated note: Go fuck yourselves unconscious, dicktards.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 25th, 2009 at 3:00 am and is filed under Science, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 10th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
So fucking hilarious, I don’t even know where to start… But completely agree with people on the internet thinking they are inferior and can hide behind thier computer and talk tons of shit, people just love to piss others off, especially if they can get away with it!
November 4th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Haha in response to Michael Z-I too stumbled on this page after a stressful day of dealing with a butch lesbian who thinks we should all bow down to her because she’s been discriminated against her whole life for being a lesbian, Maybe if she didn’t act like such a hard-ass, I might actually give a shit. Anyway, she comes into the girls bathroom (even though she looks and dresses like a man and you might even mistake her for one if you didn’t know…) and totally catches me off guard with some “cockamamie bullshit” and then runs out of the bathroom like the bitchey coward that she and doesn’t give me a chance to explain myself. Very mature.
Anyway, I still don’t know why butch lesbians act like hard asses, but this page sure cheered me up :0)
October 30th, 2009 at 3:00 am
That planner guys a fucking fagg
October 19th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
well fuck u
October 2nd, 2009 at 3:27 am
Web Rage? Whaddaya have to say about Web Rage, you Pig-Fucker?!
God damn all of you, your descendants and your ancestors!!! Do you hear me God? FUCK YOOOOOUUU!!!!!!!
September 30th, 2009 at 2:55 am
omfg this was too fuckin funny.. i did a search on attention grabbing lesbian whores cuz i (unfortunately) work with a dikey bitch who’s constantly moping and recruiting cronies to believe her cockamamie bullshit and it’s getting out of control.. and somehow ended up on this hilarious article. we’ve bumped heads numerous times but …
anyways, i mainly read this shit for ammunition the next time we get in an argument.. that emo cunt doesn’t know whats coming to her! thanks!
oh yeah and i flame on the internet. its fuckin fun as hell so if you want to get into a flame war bring it on punchy.
and as long as i started on the rage.. fuck the following 5 groups of people.
1)lesbians
2)dikey butch emo lesbians
3) cock blocking lesbians
4)man hating lesbians
5)tweeters.
p.s. i’ll tell you that the reason people act like assholes is b/c it takes far more strength and courage to be genuinely nice day in and day out. assholes are cowards plain and simple. its so easy to cower in anger than fight in the name of happiness, positivity, etc.
your mom
September 29th, 2009 at 4:56 am
NERD RAGE!!!!!! AHH
Now shut the fuck up Planner you fag
(had to)
September 17th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Personally, I think that people are pissed off because there’s so many good, legitimate reasons to be pissed off. If you’re not angry, then you’re not paying attention. Every one of us is being victimized in a hundred ways, every day, by people that we don’t know, for reasons that have nothing to do with us. What’s not to be angry about?
The important thing, as always, is how that anger gets expressed. Anger is one of the few emotions that can actually motivate someone in a real way. That is important, it is valuable. Use this in the right way, and maybe you, and the world, will be better for it. Or, you can become part of the problem. Your call.
September 4th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
I cant take it anymore! I fucking hate all of you. Fucking mexicans sneaking into my country and cant learn english and their all just fucking worthless. Damn faggots pushing thier gayness on other people. At first I didnt care BUT THEIR SO FUCKING WIERD! Then theres all these fucking Niggers! Just as worthless as the mexicans. their even still pissed about something that didnt even happen to them to a bunch of people who didnt do it. If I could Id burn them all to death.
90% of the people I know are so fucking worthless and pointless all just caring about themselves and taking advantage of others and doing stupid shit then being suprised when they get fucked up because of thier stupidity. Your all god damn morons! GGGGGGGGAHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUCCKK!
I feel better.
I feel great!
..
.
.
Penis
August 27th, 2009 at 2:56 am
“Dragg” is spelled with ONE ‘g’ you FARTING ASSFART!!!!111one
August 25th, 2009 at 6:17 am
DAMN!!!!! See, now why can’t we take more from the Finnish? Seriously, cooler scientists, cooler tongue. Not to mention a more relaxed attitude on the fun things like alcohol or sex.
Hehe, funny thought. Imagine a Finnish mad scientist getting his revenge on asshole drunks.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
You sick sicko lunatic bastard!! You unholy sack of flesh, you misguided camel dressed in dragg, may your mother wear a green hat! May the earth split open and drag your venal, virulent, beastiel corpse to the deepest corner of satan’s asshole! May his shit suffocate your lungs for a billion eons!! HOW DARE YOU SPELL EUPHORIC WRONG?!! oh…wait… hmm… My deepest apoligies..
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:50 pm
isn’t it possible that internet rage is simply a universal misguided attempt at humor?
July 12th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
Insert joke about the Stone Age not being all that different from the modern age (at least in terms of how humans think) here.
July 11th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
@person- NERD!
July 4th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Scott, you’ve missed the ENTIRE F***ING POINT! *nerdrage*
In entirely unrelated news, I’m a drunk, envious, nerd who is currently staring at a pic of the Jonas brothers.
And with that, I flee.
June 24th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Scott, you make me want to kill children.
June 24th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Why be angry? Is it not better to just ignore angry people and go on being happy? I know it sure makes me alot happier not caring about whatever impermanent pointless thing is pissing off the guy behind me in line at (insert anoying line situation here). I’ll even let him go ahead of me to shut him up, just for a little peace so I can go back to being happy to a level of almost retardedness!
June 24th, 2009 at 5:58 am
[...] Brockway, 5 Scientific Reasons People Act Like Assholes Just five! F* [...]
June 12th, 2009 at 1:36 am
A better source to cite for webrage would be any video on YouTube where somebody is doing something that few other people in the world can do, i.e. play Guitar Hero slightly better than the kind of uncoordinated fucks that watch other people play Guitar Hero on YouTube
June 10th, 2009 at 11:21 am
go fuck yourself lou
June 8th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Internet Rage is a myth. I mean. Sure we are are all “emotionally distant but KICDKSGN FDLBM LHB
IM GONNA KILL YOU ALLLLLLLL! RARRRGHHHHH RAAAAGE.
and with the previous clauses stated. I make my point.
All jokes aside, your right. Not being emotionally, visually, audibly, whatever connected to someone makes it much easier to pull off childish internet rage or similar actions.
May 30th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
DUDE! That’s Amitabh Bachchan in the first pic in #3.
How the hell did you guys find that pic?
That was a movie back in the 70s. In INDIA!
Holy shit, man.
May 30th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Regardng Web Rage:
The problem here is that commenting doesn’t have any effect at all. If you hate the war on Iraq, the treatment of animals, your president/king/dictator or whatever, Internet is not the way to go, as the noise level is deafening, and no one’s listening.
The problem is that people think it has an effect, and hence don’t push their viewpoints where it matters. Rather it seems fear is even more in control of peoples’ viewpoints now, with the Internet as a new carrier of (dis)information. How else could the terror regime (as in terrorizing the USA and the world, rather than actually fighting terrorism) of the republicans stay in power for 8 years. And why is not a war criminal like Dick Cheney in a 1000 year prison sentence?
Not that my comment matters in any way…
May 26th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
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May 20th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Relevant: http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2004/03/19/
It’s John Gabriel’s Greater Fuckwad Theory. Probably one of the few serious posts.
May 20th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
How is this website supposed to be at all funny?
May 18th, 2009 at 9:55 am
GRRR I HATE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET! THAT’S WHY I’M GOING ON THE INTERNET TO EXPRESS IT!
May 16th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Dude, the last point is going to help me so much with the term paper I’m writing on online aggression.
May 9th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Skelator is a freak.
May 3rd, 2009 at 6:52 pm
NO FUCK YOU NIGGER
May 1st, 2009 at 2:28 pm
So I can blame my penchants for watching COPS, Forensic Files, and Italian horror as well as reading Find a Death and Dreamindemon on my enjoyment of the Envygasm. Thanks Cracked; you’re the balls!
April 30th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Hey brockway great article
!! Guess those haters are just fucked they read all through an article to leave a bad comment at the end lol bitches. You ‘re writing great articles for a popular website and even people who act like they don’t like you read them… that’s pretty damn good considering you wouldn’t give a fuck what they do for a living… no one would haha and to those pathetic lame people acting all high and mighty don’t talk shit come see me I’ll put a knife through your heart or a bullet through your head. Oh and stop with those “fuck you fuck you fuck you fuckkkkkkkkkk youuuuuuuu!!!!” style comments its lame.
Love :-D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 29th, 2009 at 11:14 am
This article is relevent to my observations/interactions with a guy being brought into my sister’s boyfriend’s church, a guy who self-claims to only find raunchy humor funny (and somewhat baffled at how the youth leader/pastor didn’t). In talking with said youth d00d, he postulated that what I ruminated as a similar, distinctive sound within Christian music is from a lack of anger (or was it from being calm/happy? same effect, really). This new d00d, however, enjoys angry music, and blaring it loudly into his ears to drown out everything else.
tl;dr: I get to bring up laymanly typed science into church!
April 27th, 2009 at 5:14 am
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April 24th, 2009 at 11:25 am
I LOVE the article!!! and the WEBRAGE!!!!!
April 23rd, 2009 at 7:07 am
Next person to post smells of heavily defilled rabbit puke. Hah!
April 22nd, 2009 at 4:50 pm
>:(
April 21st, 2009 at 6:54 am
FUCK THIS ARTICLE
April 20th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Tits or GTFO cumdumpsters
Internet RAAAAGE
April 20th, 2009 at 1:27 am
God I love this. I love you all. May moonbeams shine upon all your smiling faces!
April 15th, 2009 at 4:57 am
I’ve always preferred the spelling “dicketry” but meh. Nice to see that word get some more play. Also submitted for consideration: “douchebaggery.” Use it in a sentence today.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:35 am
[...] 5 Scientific Reasons People Act Like ******** | Cracked.com __________________ never underestimate what a guy would do for brag rights [...]
April 13th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
people are assholes!
April 8th, 2009 at 12:10 am
I’m somewhat stunned the first comment wasn’t either “First” or “’shopped”. Both of which are sure to anger me and all rational others.
As for the ‘there, they’re, their’ argument why do people hate being educated? What is wrong with their psyche that they must feel that being corrected is a form of insult rather than a free English lesson? It is only an insult if you are so ignorant that you refuse to learn and if that is the case they deserve the insult.
Trolling is ruining the ‘net. I believe there needs to be some sort of I.Q. filter on comments. One column for the LOL, ’shopped, First etcetera crowd and one column devoted to rational comments on the original post not on other comments. It’s a shame that sort of thing simply isn’t possible.
Wouldn’t it be lovely to go to IMDB and read rational helpful comments instead of the irrelevant opinions of some twelve year old on some deep and meaningful art film or vice-versa a deep deconstruction on the latest Steven Seagal masterpiece.
And unless you’re commenting on a religion related article keep your beliefs out of the comments. The only use they have is demonstrating the commenter narrow mindedness.
The obvious trolling-like comments here were funny as intended.
April 7th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
I’d just like to say jesus loves you all, reguardless of how u feel about the world and the interweb.
There’s about 8 things wrong with that sentence.
Chew on that 4 awhile, psychos…
April 6th, 2009 at 2:12 am
u fukin fag get a life nd stop ritin thees tardass articls or il come 2 ur haus nd kik ur dog!
otherwise, this article supports my theory: all humas are dickheads, douchebags, cunt-holes, arsefaces, and… well you get the point; it’s just that there are varying degrees of the aforementioned dickheads, douchebags, cunt-holes and arsefaces.
April 3rd, 2009 at 7:07 pm
dis bombo-rass-pussyclaat ting did mek whole heap a sense
….mi nuh ondastan y more time ppl affi ak like seh dem nah av no pussyclaat sense.
Rasspek to di scientists …fuck alla di modda fuckin haters out dere who bin chattin fuckry bout di scientists. Di whole a unnu need fi go suck out u modda dry pussyhole
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Fuck you
Fuck your mother
Fuck your father
Fuck your children
Fuck your aunts and uncles
Fuck your siblings
Fuck your house
Fuck your car
Fuck your computer
Fuck your job
Fuck your dick
Fuck your asshole
Fuck your life
Fuck your couch
Fuck your bed
Fuck your sky
Fuck your dinner
Fuck your breakfast
Fuck your sleep
Fuck your masturbation
Fuck you!
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:35 pm
ARRR…can’t control…. NERD RAGE……MUST TYPE!!!!
April 1st, 2009 at 12:54 pm
You really have more front than Sainsbury’s! Call this science!
I bet you spent all that money on drugs.
“What money?”, you ask?
The money you were given to get an education, lame-brain!
(Great writing. Happy April fools day.)
March 31st, 2009 at 10:43 am
AND Yes, thats right, I did just threaten to slaughter your family. Have a nice day.
March 31st, 2009 at 10:38 am
Fuck you too Brockway. Fuck you die slow mother fucker my fo-fo make sure all yo kids don’ grow!…if only you could throw up gang signs over the interet.
March 31st, 2009 at 6:42 am
Fuck you Fuckbutt, you tried to steal my name, you cock ass hoe.
March 30th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
“Dickotry.” That’s some nice word punching, Brock.
March 30th, 2009 at 2:42 am
KILL ALL LIBERALS HAIL HITLER
March 29th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
I really like how everyone made the same, totally lame joke, by saying fuck you in the comment section. YOU ARE ALL SO IRONIC. ha…
March 29th, 2009 at 10:04 am
WHAT!? The internet is not a hotbed of “flame wars” at all!
Whoever fucking said that is retarded.
DON’T DISAGREE WITH ME! I’LL FUCKING CUT YOU!
March 29th, 2009 at 12:05 am
I was really hoping that there would be spontaneous love in the comments section and no one would say a single bad thing. A perfect response to his “for some handy examples, just scroll all the way down to the comments section!” remark.
March 28th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Yeah…
March 28th, 2009 at 1:22 am
FUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCK
March 28th, 2009 at 1:22 am
March 28th, 2009 at 1:21 am
March 27th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Fuck you all. Fuck. Fucking fuckers all fucking….. damn fuck piss out my ass balls. Pwn N00bs
March 27th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
As far as why people are so much more prone to make angry comments on the Internet, that seems kind of obvious to me.
It’s because you can do it and not get punched in the face.
March 27th, 2009 at 8:45 am
That guy in #1 is probably saying: It’s not true! Michael Jackson has been clean for years!
March 27th, 2009 at 1:12 am
Jarvis is awesome.
March 26th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
“You so crazy, science!”, accompanied by that picture of the shrugging scientist, totally needs to be a t-shirt.
And while I’m at it, I also want a “Jarvis” shirt.
http://www.cracked.com/blog/why-wont-anyone-give-me-watchmen-tickets/
That face, that font, on a shirt. Jarvis.
March 26th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
LOL
Nice picture of Jai
March 26th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
“You so gettin’ sat” would have been a funny addition to that movie “Aladdin.”
March 26th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Screw the Grammar Nazis! Be Komma Klansman!
March 26th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
This article really pisses me off! I’ll never read this Cracked shit again!! ROBERT, YOU’RE A TOTAL ASS HOLE!! Dude, what is your problem? I don’t get you, man. I have to go now and adjust the petcock on my limo.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
fuck grammar nazis
March 26th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
THIS ARTICAL MAKES ME SO ANGRY. F*CK ALL OF YOU
March 26th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
RE: #5–proud to be a Grammar Nazi.
March 26th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
lol web rage.!
March 26th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
GOD DAMMIT!!!!!! AM I EVER PISSED OFF NOW THANKS ALOT CRACKED AND F$%K YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 26th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Fist!
March 26th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Your missing a G
March 26th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
} ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡҉ ҉̔̕̚̕̚҉ZA ~ L G ҉҉ ̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘Z̙̜̝̞̟̠� �̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌� �̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚� �# O҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠� �̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌� �̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚ ҉҉ ̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ # ̎̏̐̑ ̕̚̕̚ ̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡҉҉̔̕̚̕̚҉ ͡҉҉̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ A̎̏̐̑L̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡҉҉G̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡҉҉
̕̚̕̚ ̔̕̚̕̚҉◊ख़҉̵̞� � ̒̓̔̕̚ ̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̕̚̕̚ ̡̢̛̗̘̙̜̝ ͡҉O҉ ̵̡̢̢̛̛̛̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟ ̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠̊̋̌̍̎ ̏̐̑̒̓ ̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̕̚̕ ̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚ ͡ ͡҉҉ C̓̔̿̿̿̕̚۩◊} O҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠� �̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌� �̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚� � M͡҉ E҉̔̕̚̕̚҉ S~ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡ ҉҉ ̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘Z̙̜̝̞̟̠� �̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌� �̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚� �# ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚ ҉҉ ̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ # ̎̏̐̑ ̕̚̕̚ ̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡҉҉̔̕̚̕̚҉ ͡҉҉̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ A̎̏̐̑L̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡҉҉G̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡҉҉
̕̚̕̚ ̔̕̚̕̚҉◊ख़҉̵̞� � ̒̓̔̕̚ ̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̕̚̕̚ ̡̢̛̗̘̙̜̝ ͡҉O҉ ̵̡̢̢̛̛̛̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟ ̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠̊̋̌̍̎ ̏̐̑̒̓ ̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̕̚̕ ̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚ ͡ ͡҉҉ ̓̔̿̿̿̕̚۩◊THEHIV EMINDISEATINGMYSOUL} ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡҉ ҉̔̕̚̕̚҉ ~ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡ ҉҉ ̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘Z̙̜̝̞̟̠� �̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌� �̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚� �# ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚ ҉҉ ̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ # ̎̏̐̑ ̕̚̕̚ ̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡҉҉̔̕̚̕̚҉ ͡҉҉̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ A̎̏̐̑L̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡҉҉G̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡҉҉
̕̚̕̚ ̔̕̚̕̚҉◊ख़҉̵̞� � ̒̓̔̕̚ ̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̕̚̕̚ ̡̢̛̗̘̙̜̝ ͡҉ZALGOO҉ ̵IS̡̢̢̛The̛̛̖̗̘̙Cha otic̜̝̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟ ̠̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓ ̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̕̚̕ ̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚ ͡ ͡҉҉ ̓̔̿̿̿̕̚۩◊} Hivemind҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝ ̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕ ̚̕̚͡ ͡҉ ҉̔̕̚̕̚҉ ~ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡ ҉҉ ̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘Z̙̜̝̞̟̠� �̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌� �̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚� �# ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚ ҉҉ ̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ # ̎̏̐̑ ̕̚̕̚ ̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡҉҉̔̕̚̕̚҉ ͡҉҉̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ A̎̏̐̑L̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡҉҉G̔̕̚̕̚҉ ҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇ ̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍ ̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚͡ ͡҉҉
̕̚̕̚ ̔̕̚̕̚҉◊ख़҉̵̞� � ̒̓̔̕̚ ̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̕̚̕̚ ̡̢̛̗̘̙̜̝ ͡҉O҉ ̵̡̢̢̛̛̛̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟ ̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠̊̋̌̍̎ ̏̐̑̒̓ ̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̕̚̕ ̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̕̚ ͡ ͡҉҉ ̓̔̿̿̿̕̚۩◊
March 26th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
zคlﻮ๏ ђє ς๏๓єร
March 26th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
in before ‘I’m sorry for all the dickotry, I love you guys’
March 26th, 2009 at 11:54 am
18+ please!! Are you sexy people? *** http://RichFriends.org ***where you can hook up the wealthy singles,sexy beauties. Find your sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just GO and hook up the sexy singles now! (18+ singles please)
March 26th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Robert /b/rockway
March 26th, 2009 at 11:43 am
lol /b/
March 26th, 2009 at 11:19 am
chill mate… what’s with all the anger
Fuck off
March 26th, 2009 at 10:55 am
If you ask me, the reason for Internet ass-plunger behaviour is because all human conversation before about 100 years ago took place face to face, and so if you had something to say, you would say it. If you disagree, you would say you disagree. The only reason you don’t tell the radio all its songs suck is because you know it can’t hear you, but the Internet CAN hear you. I even started this comment with “if you ask me”, even though none of you, not one of you, asked me.
As for why people make wankerish and uninformed comments, well, it’s because the Internet is still fundamentally inorganic, and if you told your radio it sucked, you know you wouldn’t be hurting its feelings, because it hasn’t got any. Is that the point you made to begin with? I can’t remember, I’m too engrossed in my own staggeringly important thoughts, which I am sharing with you much like you shared your thoughts with me.
March 26th, 2009 at 10:07 am
im-up-set. bicker-bicker-bicker
March 26th, 2009 at 10:02 am
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GODDAMN SHIT LIST FOR. FUCK WHAT THE HELL. THIS IS SUCH GODDAMN BULLSHIT. PEOPLE DON’T GO ONTO THE INTERNET TO VENT. THEY GO ON TO EXCHANGE IDEAS. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
March 26th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Hah angry typing my shit
March 26th, 2009 at 9:12 am
No, you are wrong. I am the one who is right.
March 26th, 2009 at 9:11 am
I am a SEXY and HOT girl from New York,
someday I found a HOT place for u guys, http://tallconnect.com , if you want- know more big fri-ends,even l-over, please have a try .
March 26th, 2009 at 8:06 am
Never underestimate the powar of the Internet Hate Machine. You motherfucking faggots.
I’m kidding, I love you all! *smooches*
March 26th, 2009 at 7:12 am
This is funny. Now I know why super villins are happy being evil.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:14 am
I CAN’T FUCKING READ YOU ASSHOLES.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:14 am
It’s just like saying all the video game articles are all a ripoff of each other. Ridiculous.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:13 am
That’s why it looked familiar. It was written by someone else over a year ago, has completely different categories, and a different title. Yep, it’s the same thing all right. I wish there was a scientific explanation for people like you DamnIt!.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:12 am
“Nice qeustion r-tard. lol wut fuck u newfag” - Behavioral Scientists
I HATE CRACKED SO MUCH FOR BEING SO AWESOME. IT IS CAUSING ME PHYSICAL PAIN.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:05 am
Oh, a redesign, but where did you find this http://beta.cracked.com/article_15822_5-douchebag-behaviors-explained-by-science.html DamnIt!?
March 26th, 2009 at 6:02 am
What’s this http://beta.cracked.com site? I’m gonna check it out.
March 26th, 2009 at 5:24 am
cuntbadger is a good word
March 26th, 2009 at 5:20 am
[ENG] 5 Razones cientificas de porque las personas actuamos estupidamente…
Queramos o no, la ira parece ocupar un papel reelevante en la sociedad. Los cientificos se esfuerzan en descubrir porque, aqui tenemos algunas de sus conclusiones hasta ahora….
March 26th, 2009 at 5:19 am
I hope your mom gets raped, twice, maybe then you will change your mind
March 26th, 2009 at 4:53 am
i quote a flamer “your mom wears combat boots” lol fucking awesome
March 26th, 2009 at 4:46 am
GO FUCK YOURSELVES YOU FUCKING R-TARDS COCKSUCKERS MUTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 26th, 2009 at 4:27 am
It’s just the right time to say … almost - FIRST !
March 26th, 2009 at 4:26 am
Oh I will go fuck myself unconscious. I’ll fuck myself into a fricking sex coma.
March 26th, 2009 at 4:23 am
[...] Midnight on Mar.26, 2009, under Fuck You There are valid scientific reasons for being pissed off. I guess that means all you non-scientists can go fuck yourselves unconscious now. VN:F [...]
March 26th, 2009 at 3:24 am
Kisses and snuggles all around!
March 26th, 2009 at 1:29 am
Everyone involved on this fucking website is a douchebag asshole motherfucker. I hate you all in an overpowering and fucking unexplainable way that makes me want to murder your mothers while raping them…. BLOODILY!
Each one of you assholes is a fucking moral degenerate destroying society with your goddamn horrible writing, and frivolously strewn about… um…
I can’t do it. I felt obligated to post a handy example of webrage, but I just can’t finish this.
March 26th, 2009 at 1:12 am
Wow, thanks for the great advice! I’ve already fucked myself unconscious twice this morning and once I find some clean sheets, I may just do it again…
March 26th, 2009 at 12:37 am
I’m so angry I could rape someone.
March 26th, 2009 at 12:30 am
I was inspired by this article. Specifically, I am inspired to run around pistol whipping teenagers yelling “Science, bitches!”
March 26th, 2009 at 12:29 am
FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!!!
March 25th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
@douchebag1
wouaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!
March 25th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Maybe we should all start posting nicer comments to prove scientists wrong. Just mess with their heads a little. Maybe the next thread we can attempt to go insult free
March 25th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Come on this article was brilliant. Okay it started of slow and I nodded of a little there in the beginning, but once my boss screamed at me for sleeping at my keyboard, I could totally focus on this masterpiece. Brockway ignore the haters, your articles are getting better and better. I must admit, it was me that murdered your cat out of pure hatred for your articles (no it was actually out of my hate for you), but now they are one of my favorites. Keep it up buddy.
March 25th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
I admit that I am guilty of getting pissed at “fans” of Watchmen calling it The Watchmen. Seriously, come on.
Also, can your SCIENCE explain 1stposters as 161st posters?
March 25th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
Oh my god, I actually thought that an article mentioning stupid comments, specifically it’s own comment section, wouldn’t have more than fake stupid angry comments. But I was wrong. And this makes me sad.
March 25th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Wait…these aren’t the real comments, are they?
They’re a bunch of plants.
You lied you clusterfucked donkey-groping latex-sniffing ass-munching pimple-chewing dick-faced assclown!
March 25th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
yeah forget all this “bringing humanity together” bullshit, the internet is about one thing and one thing only, RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!
March 25th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
FIRST
March 25th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
DIE - DIE YOU EXCRECABLE PILE OF MORONIC FUCKTARDS, ON THE SCALE OF LIFE FORMS YOU LIE SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE AIDS VIRUS AND THE SMELLY YELLOW PASTE THAT COAGULATES ON UNWASHED GENITALS. MAY YOU ALL DIE IN A THOUSAND FIRES, DIEEEEEE!!!!
*fap, fap, fap*
Arrrgghn, uh.
Damn that felt good!
March 25th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
First!!!
March 25th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
Humans…. Pathetic Species
March 25th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
I WILL RAPE YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY. - love, me
March 25th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Robert Brockway
When it comes to angstily pounding the keyboard, composing an entire countdown article as an excuse to whine about getting called on your bullshit on a regular basis in comments-sections following every article you write…
…accept no substitutes.
This entire article was one big long excuse for getting the “Web Rage” section put up.
Hey Rob, instead of “Word-Punching” to work out your problems, why don’t you start by asking yourself why, if “Web-Rage” is the reason every article you write ends with you getting flame-roasted like a New York-Style suckling pig, then why aren’t all of the Cracked columnists subject to the same reaction. Oh, sure there are flamers and trolls in the comments section of every column. But, with your articles there seems to be little else.
Oh, but I’m sure it’s everybody else who’s wrong, Rob. Not you.
It has everything to do with our “Web-Rage.” This just happens to be where it all piles up the highest. Sheer coincidence.
It has NOTHING to do with the fact that you’re an elitist, socialist, leftist political-troll masquerading as a comedy writer.
Nothing at all.
Word-Punch on you mad, magnificent “Word-Puncher,” you!
Just remember to rock yourself to sleep every night muttering…
“It’s not me. It’s not my fault. It’s the web-rage. It’s all the web-rage.”
March 25th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Hmmm…interesting…Wish the internet was important enough to me to get pissed off, however, since I did entertain the time to read so much of this…maybe we just need to spend more time in real life and get laid more…on the other hand, life hasn’t dealt me a great hand so far, so maybe I’m just not moved by things like this. Fmylife.com is filled with day to day happenings that don’t amount to a terd stain on the window when compared to really fucked up life experiences, and I have yet to hear a story that even comes close to my own…or perhaps I’m just an apathy corroded emo like so many others. However you chock it up…this post is just as pointless as the next.
March 25th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
giantic science-balls
March 25th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
BABY RAPE!!
March 25th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
I’m gonna make a joke where I sound like an internet troll, because it is original an humorous in context of this article… I MITE DO IT N ALL CAPS WIT MISPELLINGS FR IRONY PUROPSES
March 25th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Hey Robert Brockway, go wallow in your own crapulence you fucknuckle.
March 25th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Haha! Check out how fucking witty I am for calling you a fucktard like what was said in the article!
I’m so fucking funny, why don’t I write for Cracked?
March 25th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Fuck you, fucking OCD grammar bitch. Chill the fuck out, you can still read the fucking article fucking shit swallower.
March 25th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Could you please hire a proofreader who knows how to punctuate? I happen to know a couple if you don’t.
March 25th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Great article.
March 25th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
trolling is a art
March 25th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
nise atricle fukctard.
I’d like to see ui come to my huose and tell me taht
fagget
March 25th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
FUCK YOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
March 25th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
March 25th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
This shit sucks. Fuck you.
March 25th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
Cool Article.
March 25th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
I really enjoyed this. Laughed so much my wife walked in from the other room to find out what as wrong with me and why I was happy.
March 25th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Daniel Davis- The Milgram Experiment that you just cited was an examination of the human need to follow the orders of persons in uniforms, not as an example of human apathy towards others.
March 25th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Pro, you just made my day
March 25th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
No, brockway isn’t a DOB clone, he is just one of DOB’s multiple personalities
All the same, I would like to have this personality’s Internet-babies.
March 25th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
<3
March 25th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
A group of scientists in white coats telling complete strangers to continue delivering electric shocks to some other complete stranger showed us this future–almost 50 years ago. The farther the human is from the person he is affecting, the less he cares about that human. Now that we know that as a scientific rule, are going to unhook the Internet?
March 25th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
HAHAHAHA YEAH THAT EXPLAINS WHY YOU’RE ALL FUCKING RETARDS! TRUTH!
March 25th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
What’s with the bionic sentences you cunt?
March 25th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Here’s a webrage for ya, get this weird looking baby in that vaccination ad off your page he’s freaking me out!
March 25th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
To the guy who said it was a waste of time because they used a bias sample of people.
He didn’t give a bunch of criminals some booze and saw them get angry and was done for the day, what the Finnish scientists did was look for increased MAOA activity compared to a normal person.
March 25th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
giantic=gigantic
March 25th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
FUCK YOU IM A DRAGON
March 25th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
sam= “I checked out when that little robot and his pissy eyebrows showed up. I’m going to go ahead and guess the rest of the article was just as good as the first part, though.”
Sam doesn’t know who Johnny 5 is, and that makes me very angry.
March 25th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
YOU ALL SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
March 25th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Stressbunny -
Well crafted, however, I believe Mr. Brockway has already written a similar, longer article above. Perhaps you didn’t notice? He went into more detail, and everything.
March 25th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Maybe nova meant “accuses me of being misanthropic”
anyway, with the last section also try fmylife.com
its awesome
March 25th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Basically, it adds up to, rude people are allowed to win by societal rules. We are all pack animals and wired to defer to the bigger, stronger, louder monkey. ( How did my father-in-law get a mention?) He’s the one that will defend us. ( Not my f-i-l.) The non-dominants ( the polite) learn to play nice, up front, in public, to the more dominant, whilst privately eating their own liver in fury. They then find ways to be dominant ( rude, etc.) in their own lives and in safety. And anonymity. So, flame that, kids.
March 25th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
At first I thought that Brockway was pretty much a DOB clone, but this was refreshingly, well, refreshing. Well done.
March 25th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Good work, Roberto.
It’s a shame about the comments here, though. Your website has far smarter followers. They’re probably not as fat, either.
March 25th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Hey fags, it’s not funny to “fake” troll in the comment section of an article about anger. Why don’t you have a little creativity you dolts.
March 25th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
I found the article quite delightful and less filling than the other article.
March 25th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
your mom wears combat boots
March 25th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Well since you asked Nova, I’m not sure what you’re trying to spell is even a real word. You ought to say “…accuses me of being a misanthrope…”
March 25th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Nice qeustion r-tard. lol wut fuck u newfag
March 25th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
BLAAAAARGH GKDS¿’SFOKWEF ´WEGÓWEÓEGK FUCK YOU IN THE FUCK MOTHERFUCKERS IM GLAD YOUR MOMS ALL DIED OF CANCER AND/OR ARE SINGLE MOMS ALSO YOUR GRANDPA IS ALSO YOUR PA! IDIOTS! GPIEROEÑOARÑOKADSG DICK
March 25th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
LOL, Short Circuit picture… ;D
March 25th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
And when you put together a bunch of people with this sort of wiring, it gets even worse.
See: Stanford Study and Robber’s Cave Study. We are hardwired to form competing groups and then attempt to kill each other.
I love science.
March 25th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
JasonVorhees, you retarded 12-year old douchebag.
I really didn’t need science to tell me people were fucking assholes, but it’s good to know. Now when someone accuses me of being a misantrohpist (is that the correct spelling?) I will answer in traditional youtube coomenter mode:
shut the fuk up fag LOL
March 25th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Way to go, Brockway.
As the former Undisputed Champion of Instigating Flame Wars, I’m surprised to find out that there is actual scientific reasoning behind all these angry little people I used to provoke on a regular basis.
I figured it was just the intense misery of being ineffectual nerds who hate on anybody that has it too good, or think outside the box.
Sometimes all it took was a mere mention of my hot wife, a conspiracy, or something cool about my life. Next thing you know, I gotta take on 5 crash dummies that think they will make a dent in my onslaught of verbal abuse.
When it was fresh, it was the funnest couple of minutes out of my day job. Then it got stale when 90 percent of them could only respond with “Douchebag”, “Retard”, and “12-year old”. The lack of creativity made it feel like a chore rather than an exercise in “Talkin’ Shit for Fun”.
I digging the columns, Brockway. Thank you for the laughs.
March 25th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Oh wow… “Newfag”? “O-face”?
Brockway’s a /b/tard!
OH SHI-
March 25th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Also, there’s a very simple answer to the question “Why do people act like assholes?”: it’s because when you’re excited, you get a fight or flight response. If you don’t act on them (which is 90% of the time in modern society), then you get stress. Stress causes irrationality and anger, ergo, being an asshole.
March 25th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
There’s a very simple reason angry people get more attention: THEY’RE MORE INTERESTING. It’s the same reason people watch car crashes and train wrecks. We’re very curious primates. Being fucking pissed off is out of the ordinary and mundane, while happiness is expected and typical. If some guy is in a park filled with children playing and lovers kissing and suddenly goes super saiyan, people are going to pay attention because it’s OUT OF THE ORDINARY. Which would you rather look at, a guy going apeshit or a happy little girl picking daisies? While the latter is cuter, the former is much more interesting.
But the main reason is PEOPLE ARE FUCKING MORONS.
March 25th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
God is… in highschool? Damn, He must have flunked out A LOT.
March 25th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
*looking forward to that “don’t be a dick while you’re drunk pill”
March 25th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Cocksucker! HEY YOU, cocksucker, the cocksucker whose reading this comment. Your a fucking cocksucker!
March 25th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
@god
Nice qeustion r-tard. lol wut fuck u newfag
March 25th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Yuki, as a highschool student your life should be an eternal fat blunt squized in your teeth while you are jerking abour how the society is a bunch of fascist capitalist and how the hell the only good thing in the world is peace and weed.
God have talked.
March 25th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
isn’t it wierd how all this is going on and also in real life is getting worse… I wonder what is happening with the humans brains.
In my school our teachers had to talk to us about all the rage we had because we are just in Junior High School and most of the kids are acting like crazy people
March 25th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Well, Tim, maybe not. Let’s say that you’re like a fair amount of people I meet: a neatly put together cauldron of rage. Most people don’t act on their impulse to punch everyone in the face. But take away the inhibition, and the first thing that type of person is prone to do is pick a fight. Yes, both examples are really very anecdotal, but their also common sense.
March 25th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Fuck you Martin.
March 25th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Yay, more excuses to be an asshole!
*flips off handicapped person while punching orphans*
March 25th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
So the “scientists” in #3 gave a bunch of alcoholic criminals a ton of booze and now want to claim some kind of discovery because the drunken subjects surprisingly acted like, well, criminals?
This sample is totally unrepresentative of the total population and therefore a waste of time and money.
March 25th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
The guy in the angry drunk picture is a major bollywood star, he’s Aishwarya Rai’s father-in-law.
March 25th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
fuck the fucking world
I hate everyone, I hope you all die >=(
March 25th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
You read that picture in Skeletor’s voice, you lose.
March 25th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
I love everybody, and I think you are all very nice. *Hugs*
March 25th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
how many cracked writers visit /b/ haha?
March 25th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
FUCK ALL OF YOU!!!
March 25th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
I LOVE YOU ALL! REALLY, I DO. NOW FUCK OFF WITH AN APPRICOT, U FAG MTOJROHEROEH!
Just kidding.
March 25th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Flamers would still be flaming…… homosexuals.
March 25th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I agree with Bob, if anything that’d just be entertaining as hell.
March 25th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Fuck butt assdicks. Yur all snatch mouthed, lazy eyed, whores.
March 25th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
WEBRAGE!
March 25th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Instead of taking people who are already violent and already alcoholics and gotten them drunk to see if they got pissed off, shouldn’t they have taken non-violent, non-alcoholic people and seen if alcohol made them pissed?
March 25th, 2009 at 11:42 am
So what is the reason that people enjoy other peoples pain? evolutionary, I mean.
March 25th, 2009 at 11:34 am
I checked out when that little robot and his pissy eyebrows showed up. I’m going to go ahead and guess the rest of the article was just as good as the first part, though.
March 25th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Not as good as some of your other work, Brockway, but still entertaining.
March 25th, 2009 at 11:23 am
*sigh* morons…
March 25th, 2009 at 10:56 am
I totally wish I could fuck myself unconscious. I’d never leave my house. Oh wait…
March 25th, 2009 at 10:50 am
gay
March 25th, 2009 at 10:50 am
OMG, are you guys actually doing research on articles now? I mean besides consulting your local He-Man expert?
March 25th, 2009 at 10:36 am
I must be bored, I read a Brockway article.
March 25th, 2009 at 10:28 am
good job mixing the physiological psychology with comedically-crude and accurate synonyms for the brain structures. one of the best articles i’ve read on cracked.
March 25th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Anger. Rage. And no mention of my first wife… the world may be coming to an end soon.
March 25th, 2009 at 10:22 am
*laughs* Ah, shitcock. John Gabriel’s Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory at work! An excellent proof, worthy of a scholar, Phaedrus - good show!
March 25th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Tribalwar is in the house.
Drunken stuff is true. Don’t get drunk with your chick. One, you won’t be able to screw her. Two, you’ll act like a jerk in public.
March 25th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Your unending misuse of hyphens made this article hard to read. Use a damn period between two different sentences. Like this. And like this. Not like this-and like this-or any other fucked up way.
“consequence-free” is the only instance that you could have used a hyphen in this whole article. And even that one isn’t neccessary.
Other than that, I found this article to be one of the best on Cracked.com
And-go fuck-yourself-too (how does that look to you?)
March 25th, 2009 at 9:56 am
@Jenna_Tullwortz:
No, it makes you a slutcunt.
Bitch.
Shitcock!
March 25th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Soccer hooligan films are cool.
Fucking I.D. is a classic.
March 25th, 2009 at 9:50 am
69 Responses to “5 Scientific Reasons People Act Like Assholes”
heh
i know that doesn’t relate to anything, but it made me laugh
69
March 25th, 2009 at 9:43 am
the only cool thing about soccer is the riots
March 25th, 2009 at 9:41 am
@MaryJane69
Well, I like to get high and fuck. Does that make me a hippy?
March 25th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Nice! I hate you!
March 25th, 2009 at 9:36 am
March 25th, 2009 at 9:30 am
@Sprayette
I know what you’re talking about and I don’t think it’s gone. Also, I don’t think they get erased, either. I’m always coming across REALLY old articles from yesteryear when I go digging for something to read.
March 25th, 2009 at 9:25 am
I laughed through this whole article and now my psych professor is looking at me with her “frowny face”. Hmm.
March 25th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Wasn’t there already an (complete different) article calles something like “douchebags explained by science” or something like that? The article was way different but it reminded me of it.
Also, what happens to the really old articles, the ones that fall off the archive? Do they get erased D: ?
March 25th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Another good one, Brockway. Well done. May your next cock taste like ambrosia.
March 25th, 2009 at 9:00 am
The rules of soccer were established in 1863 (knew that one), The NFL was born in 1920 (had to look that one up) though it had been played for years prior (same as soccer) Saying Soccer predates football is stupid, because football was born from rugby, which was born from Mel Gibson’s Mayan civi apparently (though they used spears) etc. etc. etc. which was born from the earliest version of smear the queer (or whatever they called it back then…. bludgeon the curmudgeon?) Soccer is very similar in its history, ancient games evolving into what we see today. If you really want to be a dick the deepest documented history of any sport is Tennis, but do we really need a bunch of tennis fans trolling around here talking about their tennis elbow and bitching about the excess of cornichons in the chicken salad they had for a refreshing lunch since they were going to eat duck later and that might have spoiled their palate for the day? No? So, we’ve established that the age of the sport is meaningless. Anyway, every sport is way older than you are and due to at least some type of respect. Soccer is not gay, easily proved by the pages of every British tabloid. To Europeans and Brits, Soccer is a perfectly good word to use since it originated…….(wait for it)… in Europe as a shortening of Association Football. And if you try to counter that by saying Europeans don’t shorten words, I give you the ultimate comeback… fo’c’s’le. Soccer is a good sport. Football is a good sport….. American Football is a good sport. Football is a good sport. Basically, any sport that calls itself football is a good sport. The people that bitch about the nomenclature and history of their favorite are dicks.
March 25th, 2009 at 8:59 am
cracked.com is a sophisticated site that mixes dick jokes with scientific facts (that all point out how reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally crappy our life is). So, no place for wankers.
March 25th, 2009 at 8:54 am
OP is an Idiot.
March 25th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Hey cracked, make GalahadPC the thread winner.
NOW
March 25th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Wow! This is not new. I rad about it on http://www.rageconnect.de. It is awesome place to meet angry, emotionally distant assholes and talk frends and love.
March 25th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Cracked readers still think their irony is funny?
March 25th, 2009 at 8:25 am
PANTIE FIGHT!
March 25th, 2009 at 8:24 am
I raged when I saw Sunylly’s post.
March 25th, 2009 at 8:20 am
WOW….I just read this on a hot forum on tall dating site http://Tallconnect.com which is a hot dating site for all tall friends and tall singles.
March 25th, 2009 at 8:19 am
You did it Beez！
March 25th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Actually “Soccer” has been called “football” since long before your so-called football was born, dipshit.
March 25th, 2009 at 7:53 am
[...] article up at Cracked that will explain pretty much the entire internet for you through the scientific study of anger and anonymity that moDERN TECHNOLGOY IS FUCKING MAKING POSIFUCK YOU FUCK YOU [...]
March 25th, 2009 at 7:43 am
soccer blows quit gaying up the name football by calling soccer football
March 25th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Actually I’ve noticed that compared to a lot of other sites Cracked doesn’t seem to have as many wankers who just wanna start flame wars
March 25th, 2009 at 7:34 am
Now I understand the Skeletor Orgasm reference on ifightrobots!
March 25th, 2009 at 7:30 am
FUCKING TOSSERS!
March 25th, 2009 at 7:26 am
I’ve always wondered if you guys were aware of how much nerd rage gets spewed in your comments, or if you just tuned it out like I’ve learned to with news pages and YouTube (where it seems that MST3K clips consistently have the most positive remarks).
And thanks to #3, now I keep imagining some poor French scientist nervously hesitating to throw the final switch on the Large Hadron Collider, while a bunch of Finnish scientists are gathered around, tapping a keg with hot lingerie models hanging off their arms, and yelling “DO IT! DEATH BEFORE IGNORANCE, MOTHERFUCKER!” When the Frenchman chickens out, one of the Finns drops him with a karate chop and does it himself.
March 25th, 2009 at 7:24 am
nice use of skeletor, brockway. he’s such a dick.
March 25th, 2009 at 7:19 am
I love how everyone is playing into Brockways hands “ironically”
Class
March 25th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Robert Brockway, ey?
Respect my man, that was almost David-Wong-esque.
March 25th, 2009 at 7:12 am
Fuck you, Beez. You’re a goddamn retard.
March 25th, 2009 at 7:12 am
Where would my rage for horrible spelling fall under?
March 25th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Nice Text, but it is called “football” and not “soccer”.
This sentence above will lead to a senseless fight about Europe vs. USA. Enjoy.
March 25th, 2009 at 6:54 am
The Watchmen sucked.
March 25th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Id just like to say that, life is sweet, no-one really needs to hate cause its a waste of everyones time! We shud all just hug trees, get high and fuck each other cause if no-one was planning a lynching on everyone else then all we would need to be concerned with would be Eskimo kisses,,,,,which are awesome by the way.
Dont dismiss the hippy revolution until everyone has given it a go, Im sure we would all be a lot more into that than our daily struggle for mundanity.
HIPPIES RULE FUCKTARDS!!!!!!! (that was a joke but seriously,,,,hippies,,,,think about it)
March 25th, 2009 at 6:21 am
Skeletor caption = Epic win. Well met, Brockway….
I think one of the main sources of web rage is people* who leave the comment “FIRST” or variations thereof.
(* By “people” I mean “subhuman piles of filth wasting precious air that could be better used by maggots, a form of life far superior to said filth-piles”….”assholes” would also work.)
March 25th, 2009 at 6:10 am
One morning youre going to wake up to find that I’ve shat on your face.
March 25th, 2009 at 6:09 am
Most of the scientific research you’ve cited is entirely theoretical and most of the conclusions you’ve drawn from it are entirely speculation.
March 25th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Wow, Science is on a roll today isnt it!
RT
http://www.privacy-tools.us.tc
March 25th, 2009 at 5:50 am
The “happy nightmares” caption made my life a better place to be.
But I don’t envy you reading the comments section.
March 25th, 2009 at 5:49 am
I think the middle picture in #4 is Brockway, not the picture in #1.
March 25th, 2009 at 5:49 am
Well…I guess the second half of #2 explains the popularity of the Jerry Springer show.
I deal with the public on the phone 8 hours a day and trust me… Assholery is not confined to the internet. The anonimity people feel they have when they dial 411 inspires alot of rudeness, ignorant behavior and general cuntlike behavior. But that’s OK because I work for the phone company and I can hunt them all down and leave flaming bags of poop on their doorsteps. Bwahahah!(kidding:but would love to though)
Oh yeah…ALL YOU OTHER COMMENTERS ARE FUCKING FUCKY FUCK FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!ARRRRGGGG!
March 25th, 2009 at 5:46 am
Get that little orphan sonova bitch! lol
March 25th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Fuck you motherfucker German_panda, sick motherfuckin’ german, go do a fucking inverted volcano in your fucking sick country.
March 25th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Web Rage? who you talkin to cocksucker
March 25th, 2009 at 5:30 am
OK, I had to say this before I could finish the final entry: I’d been teetering on the fence for some time now, Mr. Brockway on if I just liked you, or if you’re an all-star kick ass blogger. The “Happy Nightmares! Love, Robert” caption however soundly landed you into the all-star kick ass blogger side.
OMFG, that was the funniest thing I think I’ve ever read. Now to finish reading #1.
March 25th, 2009 at 4:49 am
FIRST! oh, dammit. Fuck you all.
March 25th, 2009 at 4:23 am
:l
Sarcasm rocks.
March 25th, 2009 at 4:08 am
I knew 4chan was a scientist expirement!
March 25th, 2009 at 4:05 am
Good read and funny to read LOL!
then I love the little fuckers comments after it! Obviously forced, to obvious but there all dumb shits right Rage rage *yawn*
That guys in the second to last picture is one ugly mother fucker!
March 25th, 2009 at 3:59 am
Damnit! you’re an idiot
March 25th, 2009 at 3:58 am
Samuel L Jackson as the Motherfucker Control was fucking hilarious
March 25th, 2009 at 3:57 am
Um, Damnit? The content of the articles is different…
March 25th, 2009 at 3:54 am
No DamnIt! that was an article about the science behind a douchebag, this is the science behind an asshole. Two different species. That’s like saying the mating habits of a shark is the same as the mating habbits as a baboon. But you DamnIt! demonstrate what pops out after the mating habits of a douchebag to an asshole. Ba-Zing!
March 25th, 2009 at 3:52 am
If you took the time to read, or even skim, both articles, you would realise they are different.
March 25th, 2009 at 3:47 am
I’m putting pipe bombs in all your sinks.
March 25th, 2009 at 3:34 am
You sons of bitches already did this article:
http://beta.cracked.com/article_15822_5-douchebag-behaviors-explained-by-science.html
Christ! I’d sure like a job where I can cash in on the same fucking work twice. Scientifically explain how that works!
Bunch of lowlife internet key jabbers….
March 25th, 2009 at 3:28 am
Wow, I think that I got a tiny orgasm from the web rage I felt over these retarded “first!”-posters.
March 25th, 2009 at 3:28 am
1st poster exist to give us a chance to vent our rage.
So, to all the dipshists yelling “FIRST!” I say,
Fuck off you ass munching cock gobbling piss drinking stupid retarded dork.
March 25th, 2009 at 3:24 am
Fuck all of you.
March 25th, 2009 at 3:20 am
WTF omg i was first you fuckers my web browser took 2 long to load. pri><. this is bullshit cracked.com you SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK fuck off!!!!!!!!!!
March 25th, 2009 at 3:20 am
I hate you robert brockway
March 25th, 2009 at 3:20 am
Who wants to see the three people who posted “First” have a fist fight to see who’s best?
March 25th, 2009 at 3:19 am
is that Brockway under number 1? if so then dude you’re old
March 25th, 2009 at 3:18 am
NOT FIRST
March 25th, 2009 at 3:17 am
Fucking hell you cunts are shit
March 25th, 2009 at 3:17 am
FUCK YOU THIS IS A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT
March 25th, 2009 at 3:12 am
That dude in the second picture under Envy-gasms has the most awesome moustache I have seen all week! Thanks for the inspiration cracked!
March 25th, 2009 at 3:12 am
Idiots,
Lol, great article!
But can your SCIENCE explain why 1stposters exist?
March 25th, 2009 at 3:09 am
FIRST
March 25th, 2009 at 3:09 am
lolfirst
March 25th, 2009 at 3:07 am
FIRST
score, always wanted to do that.
good article, nice one cracked. keeping me from my dissertation, but thats why i love it.