Chapter 3: A Tool of the Reptilians, and Satan, and Satan Again
DC Comics, Marvel Comics
Martin Luther King once said that the measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. That has nothing to do with the time Captain America fought Ronald Reagan as a snake-person.
Even now, flawless hair. Impressive. Inspiring.
Some months after returning from the future, Reagan was turned into a reptilian by Viper, the same snake-themed villain you've already forgotten from the latest Wolverine movie. As soon as he sees Captain America, who has come to the White House to rescue him but is just a tiny bit too late, Snakeagan strips down to his undies and attacks Cap with a flag of the USA.
This is turning into a rowdy Fourth of July in Alabama.
Captain America's plan to restore the president to normalcy? "Keep him sweating at all costs," because sweat makes snake skin fall off, and the writer of this comic really, really wanted to see Captain America and Snake Reagan wrestling semi-naked on the floor.
The exact same thing was happening to Michael Jackson around this time.
Reagan was free of the reptilian influence -- only to fall under a Satanic one! The previous year, Reagan had been impersonated by a demon who nearly doomed the world to nuclear Armageddon in his name. Reagan didn't appreciate that gesture, and they got into a fistfight.
"Sir, why are your eyes glowing red, like a demon?"
"I'm, uh ... incredibly stoned."
"Oh OK, here are the nuclear codes."
Having learned exactly nothing from the experience, Reagan fell into another demonic plot when he and Mikhail Gorbachev got themselves possessed by Satan himself and a disco-loving supernatural entity known as Deadman.
Satan was like "Ew, why did I get the one with the icky forehead?"
This also led into a physical fight ... but only once Satan and Deadman had moved on to the wives of Reagan and Gorbachev, respectively.
"More like FIST lady!" -A sentence that should have been in this comic.
After the whole Satan business was settled, the president was getting tired of being everyone else's chump and decided to do something about it ...
Chapter 4: Reagan Takes Charge
By his eighth year in office, Ronald Reagan had been kidnapped, impersonated, possessed, and teabagged by a talking truck. Would this parade of indignities ever end? Earlier in his presidency, Reagan had also been the target of an assassination attempt from which he recovered successfully, mainly because it was actually his shape-shifting invulnerable Martian bodyguard who got shot and not him.
"This Jodie Foster fan club situation is getting out of hand."
Unfortunately, the Martian bodyguard wasn't present in 1988 when a superpowered individual caused an explosion right in front of the president's face -- an incident he also recovered from, because it turned out Reagan too was a superpowered individual all this time and had never noticed. More specifically, he had healing abilities that allowed him to shrug off any type of damage and return to normal in no time. Which, yes, was all Marvel Comics' intricate way of making a pun on the phrase "Teflon President."
See, without the hair he's like a different person.
No doubt emboldened by this revelation, Reagan volunteered to take part in an experimental procedure to create Alpha Soldiers and ... uh-oh, hope you're ready for another panel of Reagan without a shirt, because here it comes!
Seriously, how is this a thing?
After Reagan subjected himself to the experiment along with his entire cabinet, the group of elderly politicians emerged as, well, elderly politicians, but with the torsos and stamina of youthful bodybuilders.
Dear God, it's like Rambo IV 20 years before the world was prepared for it.
Reagan was done getting trampled by others: Now he was the one doing the trampling. Over the last year of Reagan's presidency, his Reagan Raiders tackled problems like communism, drug trafficking, and the Vietnam War, because fuck it, they could go fight in wars that had been over for decades if they wanted. (Note that most sources date this historical document to 1986, but record keeping was notoriously shoddy in this era due to all the cocaine particles in the air.)
But did Reagan's daring, ultraviolent adventures with the Raiders impact his legacy today, as we navigate the 21st century? I would say they did, since it was likely the Alpha Soldier experiment that extended Reagan's life and allowed him to remain president today despite being over a century old, most recently using his executive powers to send Superman to kill an elderly Batman in The Dark Knight Returns.
He's talking about himself, clearly.
What does the future hold for President Reagan? Only he knows, for he has been there.