Awesome Video Of The Day
Helpin’ People Is Cool (Go G-Hog!)
When I was growing up, me and my friends always used to talk about how health care careers were “lame” and “for total douche nozzles.” After watching this commercial, I see now how wrong we were. Maybe if we’d had viral web videos featuring rapping groundhogs back then things would have turned out better for me - I’m basically a vagrant now. Do you have any idea how much plasma I’ve sold this month? I’m cold pretty much all the time.
According to this article, the commercial was thought up by Shannon Powers - a press officer for Pennsylvania’s Department of Labor - for “Health Careers Week.” Powers cowrote the rap with another officer, and it was performed by an undisclosed state worker. I wonder why they didn’t give their name? This could have been their big break.
With totally sick flows like “flexible hours, competitive wages / many jobs at different educational stages” and “chances for advancement, you’ll never be a zero / choose a job in health care, become a health care hero,” I don’t think they’re gonna have any problem staffing Pennsylvania hospitals for a while. From now on their only concern is gonna be finding the tightest, freshest beats… and trying to think of something that rhymes with “defibrillator.”
The Best Conspiracy Theories Ever
Awesome Conspiracy #2: Reptilian Shape-Shifters (aka “Reptoids”) Run The Planet
Nuts And Bolts: “Reptoids” - half reptile, half humanoid creatures - have been living deep beneath the Earth’s surface for eons. In addition to living underground, reptoids also live on other planets and “in alternate vibrational states of reality.” Whether they descended from dinosaurs or came from another planet/dimension, today these cave-dwelling creatures supposedly enjoy positions of authority within the highest echelons of our society.
Evidence: Proponents of the reptoid theory say that all the “extraterrestrial” sightings you hear about are probably actually reptoid sightings. Theorists also claim that the scientific community’s interest in exploring outer space is merely a ploy to keep our attention away from what’s lurking beneath our own planet’s surface. Oh - and one of them claims that Princess Diana told him personally that her and the Royal Family were aliens. How convenient.
Plausability: It doesn’t even really matter - if it were true, what could we do about it? They’re underground, on other planets and IN OTHER DIMENSIONS. How do you fight something that’s in another dimension? I guess you use a portal of some kind, probably, but I don’t own any transdimensional portals. Do you? If we’re controlled by Reptilian Shape-Shifters, forget a rebel uprising - they’re running the show and there’s nothing we can do about it. If you own any pet lizards, I suggest you get rid of it right now just in case. That would probably really piss them off.
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This entry was posted on Thursday, November 15th, 2007 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Conspiracies, Douchebags, Nooners, Rap, Video. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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May 27th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
It’s always good to find like-minded people. Thanx and I’m going to add you to my RSS feed.
March 25th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
http://defibrillators.com-discounts.net...
External Defibrillators used in hotels, schools, and fire stations have been recalled after 3 reported incidents of failure. Customers were notified by letter of the recall. The recall affects all Lifeline AED and ReviveR AED automatic external defibri…
November 20th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
oh yeah, maggie’s stepdad totally loves those reptoids, and he has these crazy pennies sealed in some sort of shiny plastic that keep away evil spirits too!
November 17th, 2007 at 4:32 pm
I apologize for that video on behalf of Pennsylvania. I don’t know why we love groundhogs so much.
November 16th, 2007 at 11:31 am
Apparently I hit a nerve. Hopefully, you didn’t have a heart attack, but if you did then don’t worry too much. I’m trained in using an AED (portable defibrillator) because I used to be a lifeguard. I mean, I’d save you so you can keep posting funny stuff for me to read while I should be working… cause, you know… I’m at work.
November 16th, 2007 at 11:01 am
There will be no more talking about Van Wilder in the comments. Period. Capiche?
November 16th, 2007 at 9:39 am
But, now this makes you wonder why Ross would know. Either he hooked up with a burner or had a heart attack. If it was the former, I offer the advice of Van Wilder: remember to always check on the quality of the turf before stepping out onto the playing field. Go to the campus health office and see Stu. Tell him Van sent you. And don’t thank him… thank penecillin.
November 16th, 2007 at 9:31 am
Gotta agree with Ross on that one. If it hurts when you piss you should be taking antibiotics. Defibrillation is the correction of certain types of heart rhythms… asystole and the like. That is, the electrical impulsing in the heart are scrwed up and not firing in a proper order making it impossible for the heart to pump blood. These are usually called fibrillations and happen during heart attacks and such, hence de-fibrillation. So, when you hear on those medical shows the person yell “clear,” they’re using the defibrillator to reset the heart into a normal rhythem.
So, a lyric about a nurse so hot your heart would stop would probably work pretty well.
November 15th, 2007 at 11:33 pm
That rhymes, but it’s not medically accurate. Trust me.
November 15th, 2007 at 9:00 pm
The nurse is a bitch, the way she acts, the kids’ll hate her
If it hurts when you piss, you should use a defibrillator
November 15th, 2007 at 6:52 pm
I hate the fact that you posted about reptoids without referencing the amazing mini-series V.
V!
November 15th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
It REALLY sounds like they’re chanting “Go Jihad” in that video.
November 15th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
I don’t know who this Rory character is or this Maggie he speaks of. Must be just another one (of tens of thousands) of our faithful Cracked Blog readers.
November 15th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
Maggie’s dad is totes into the whole reptilian shape shifting scene. Wait, is it cool if i refer to mutual acquaintances by their first name, or does that make you look like a hack what only gets read by his three friends?
November 15th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
Ha! Selling plasma…big deal. Talk to me when you start selling your bone marrow. FYI: I recently looked into it and there is some real money in bone marrow these days.
November 15th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
I didn’t know this comment box used HTML tags it so it screwed up my addlib.. should be like this:
(some lyric), (some action to do with a girl) with ‘er;
(some lyric), instead you should use a defibrillator
November 15th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
Words/phrases that rhyme with defibrillator would depend on how hard of the prnounciation you make. If you made sure to have the “tor” sound. If you make it a softer sound (as most people would probably pronounce it) with a “ter” sound you could rhyme it with pretty much any word or phrase ending with “er.” I’m not any good at rapping so I’m not going to come up with any actual lyrics, but feel free to use the following like an add lib:
, with ‘er;
, instead you should use a defibrillator