Unpopular Opinion Podcast: Do Kids Prove We're Doomed? 5 Terrifying Ways Police Can Legally Screw You Over 5 Types of Movie Adaptations That Must Be Stopped
Cracked Columnists

Rapping Groundhogs, Reptilian Shape-Shifters and An Open Call For Letters: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Awesome Video Of The DayHelpin' People Is Cool (Go G-Hog!)

When I was growing up, me and my friends always used to talk about how health care careers were "lame" and "for total douche nozzles." After watching this commercial, I see now how wrong we were. Maybe if we'd had viral web videos featuring rapping groundhogs back then things would have turned out better for me - I'm basically a vagrant now. Do you have any idea how much plasma I've sold this month? I'm cold pretty much all the time.

According to this article, the commercial was thought up by Shannon Powers - a press officer for Pennsylvania's Department of Labor - for "Health Careers Week." Powers cowrote the rap with another officer, and it was performed by an undisclosed state worker. I wonder why they didn't give their name? This could have been their big break.

With totally sick flows like "flexible hours, competitive wages / many jobs at different educational stages" and "chances for advancement, you'll never be a zero / choose a job in health care, become a health care hero," I don't think they're gonna have any problem staffing Pennsylvania hospitals for a while. From now on their only concern is gonna be finding the tightest, freshest beats... and trying to think of something that rhymes with "defibrillator."


The Best Conspiracy Theories EverAwesome Conspiracy #2: Reptilian Shape-Shifters (aka "Reptoids") Run The PlanetNuts And Bolts: "Reptoids" - half reptile, half humanoid creatures - have been living deep beneath the Earth's surface for eons. In addition to living underground, reptoids also live on other planets and "in alternate vibrational states of reality." Whether they descended from dinosaurs or came from another planet/dimension, today these cave-dwelling creatures supposedly enjoy positions of authority within the highest echelons of our society.

Evidence: Proponents of the reptoid theory say that all the "extraterrestrial" sightings you hear about are probably actually reptoid sightings. Theorists also claim that the scientific community's interest in exploring outer space is merely a ploy to keep our attention away from what's lurking beneath our own planet's surface. Oh - and one of them claims that Princess Diana told him personally that her and the Royal Family were aliens. How convenient.

Plausability: It doesn't even really matter - if it were true, what could we do about it? They're underground, on other planets and IN OTHER DIMENSIONS. How do you fight something that's in another dimension? I guess you use a portal of some kind, probably, but I don't own any transdimensional portals. Do you? If we're controlled by Reptilian Shape-Shifters, forget a rebel uprising - they're running the show and there's nothing we can do about it. If you own any pet lizards, I suggest you get rid of it right now just in case. That would probably really piss them off.


Got A Problem?

Do you hate your mother? Are you clueless when it comes to proper dinner table etiquette? Is your weird fetish ruining your life? Let me help you out. All next week on the Cracked Blog, the Daily Nooner will also double as the worst advice column on the entire internet.

Send your letters here.

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Ross Wolinsky

  • Rss

More by Ross Wolinsky:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

17 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!