QVC, “Katsaks” and There’s A Freemason Under My Airport: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Awesome Video Of The Day

Mike Rowe Selling Katsaks on QVC

It’s kind of weird to think there was a time when Mike Rowe, current host of Dirty Jobs, was hawking things like “Katsaks” on QVC to pay his rent, but you know what’s even weirder? THERE WAS SOMEONE OUT THERE TAPING IT. Who in the name of God tapes the “Quality Value Convenience” channel?! Were they huge Mike Rowe fans, or did they just not want to miss seeing all the products that were available for purchase? Maybe they had the VCR set to the wrong channel or something.

If I were Mike Rowe and wanted someone to hire me for a new show, I’d just show them this clip. Not only would it prove that I could handle myself with grace under pressure, but it also shows that when I had a show on QVC, THERE WAS SOMEONE OUT THERE TAPING IT. If that isn’t a surefire indicator of future success, I don’t know what is.

The Best Conspiracy Theories Ever

Awesome Conspiracy #3: Denver International Airport Is A Secret Masonic Nazi Alien Something-Or-Other

Nuts And Bolts: Three is an enormous, multi-level underground complex underneath Denver International Airport that was built by the Freemasons. That’s where they keep all the aliens. Oh - and a bird’s-eye view of the runways forms a retarded-looking swastika, so the Nazis are probably involved in this too somehow.

As a parenthetical footnote, DIA was also voted Best Airport in North America by Business Traveler Magazine in 2005.

Evidence: Theorists point to a series of creepy murals hung in the airport for clues. The murals were painted by a Chicano artist named Leo Tanguma and a group of local schoolchildren - not exactly the kinds of people you think of when you think of Freemasons, but maybe that’s all part of their plan. Some have also suggested that the Masons stuffed the ballot box at Business Traveler Magazine in 2005 to get Denver International Airport voted the Best Airport in North America so nobody would suspect anything.

Plausability: So-so. I have no idea what the average number of sub-basements is for an airport, but eight (which the theorists claim DIA has) seems about on par to me. Besides, even if there IS some sort of underground bunker full of Illuminati guys in dark robes and aliens and Nazis, it doesn’t seem like they have any interest in messing with the departures or arrivals. If they were, how would Denver International Airport have been voted Best Airport in North America in 2005 by Business Traveler Magazine? Hmm?

That’s what I thought.

Got A Problem?

Do you hate your mother? Are you clueless when it comes to proper dinner table etiquette? Is your weird fetish ruining your life? Let me help you out. All next week on the Cracked Blog, the Daily Nooner will also double as the worst advice column on the entire internet.

Send your letters here.

Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky

• 8 Things 'The Lost Boys' Could Teach 'Twilight' Vampires - December 3rd, 2008
• The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails (And Why Your Mom Loves Them) - November 19th, 2008
• The 5 Biggest News Stories You Missed During Election Season - November 6th, 2008
• "I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn - October 21st, 2008
• 15 (Worthless) Things We Learned from the Town Hall Debate - October 8th, 2008