Cracked Columnists

Put Everything Awesome on Your Body Before It's Too Late

According to the history books, Theodore Roosevelt died 95 years ago this January. But according to our hearts, there's more to life than "facts" and "death certificates" and "not putting 'Teddy' as a write-in candidate every time we vote."

The Cracked Dispensary will not rest until you enjoy the TR-on-torso situation of your dreams, whether you prefer Monochrome Statesman Teddy or Rough Riding Decepticon Killer Teddy. However, we will rest and not make any more of our kickass Prism Break shirts, because those sold out and we only did a limited run and we aren't planning to make any more and why do you keep letting great things slip through your fingers in life?

"But I'm a fan of Teddy Roosevelt AND Cracked," you say. "And George Harrison's solo work! And the sunrise over Glacier National Park! And croissants with stuff in the middle!" Whoa, buddy, we didn't ask for your life story. All we ask is that you check out the very newest shirt offering from the Cracked Dispensary ...

Badass New Shirt!

That's right: We've got a new design combining everything you like all at once. It came to us from Shawn Fone in our forums, and it comes to you as soon as you realize how badly you need it in your chestal area.

We've also got more shirts that mash up great/cool/fun things, from the very best movies about badasses in matching suits ...

... to honest warnings about legitimate natural threats:

Or, if you hate everything we do and you only read the site so you have something to be angry about, take a look at what everyone else on the Internet is doing ...

Our Weekly Dose of Envy

Like the Bull Moose Party or a compulsive poker player, the Internet is irrepressible. Every week we search it for the very best T-shirts other people can offer and give five we think you'll love their due props:


Available from 6dollarshirts


Available from Glennz Tees


Available from Headline Shirts


Available from Snorg Tees


Available from Design by Humans

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