A whole lot of things in this world don’t make sense to me. I don’t know why we can’t accurately predict the weather yet, I’m not totally sure how microwaves work, Calculus has always been somewhat of a weakness.
The Vagina can be pretty tricky if you catch it on a bad day.
But of all the things in this world that I don’t completely understand, nothing is quite as confusing as the continuing career of actor/forehead-monster Nicolas Cage, [pictured right just minutes after molesting an eleven year old]. I mean, the guy’s got six movies coming out in the next two years despite the fact that he’s fairly talent-less, incredibly unattractive and remarkably unlikable. Sure, he’s Francis Ford Coppola’s son or nephew or whatever, but that shouldn’t mean he gets to be Ghost Rider, right? Right!? There is no justice in this world.
Well, despite what some Cracked Bloggers might lead you to believe, there is some justice in this world as, earlier this week, Nicolas “The White Wesley Snipes” Cage was accused of tax fraud. Apparently, he used his production company to “wrongly write off $3.3 million in personal expenses” and, a few years before that, “made a shitty movie about face-swapping.”
In an effort to let the “actor” clear the air and reveal his side of the story, I drove past Cage’s house early this morning and pooped in his mailbox. Will he go to jail? Or will he, like Mr. Snipes, beat the charges and make a Bowflex commercial? Time will tell.
Stay tuned after the jump for everyone’s favorite segment….
This Week in Hating Hannah Montana
Apparently, there was some huge toy festival or something the other day wherein the toys for the next toy season (?) were revealed and, as if we needed another sign of the apocalypse, there were Hannah Montana cut outs and posters everywhere. Evidently, that bitch who plays Hannah Montana, (the Disney Channel’s answer to the Hypno Toad), is so successful that every toy company on the planet is trying to latch on to her. That’s disturbing in and of itself, but that’s not the worst of it. Co-Owner of toy company Brand New, Kelly Faso says “there hasn’t been anything like Hannah Montana in a long time. They’re comparing her phenomenon to the Beatles.” The Beatles. The Beatles, people. Did you hear that, Gladstone? Hannah Montana is the new motherfucking Beatles. Do you all understand what that means? History will remember America circa 2008 as unanimously in favor of keeping Hannah Montana alive. Future generations are going to look back at the early 2000’s as Montanamania. Decades from now when VH1 airs “I Loved The 00’s,” all they’re going to remember about us is this shrieking-harlot-turned-billionaire and her stupid TV show about bullshit. Pretty soon, Hannah Montana will be taught in all of our schools and one of her hit songs, (“I Wanna Eat Your Baby [All Night Long]”…I’m sorry, I don’t actually know any of her songs), will replace our National Anthem. Are you gonna sit back and let that happen?
People, I don’t want to have to say this again: We need to shave Hannah Montana’s head and bury her twelve feet underground. I’m just saying what everyone’s thinking.
To remind you why ELSE your supposed to hate Hannah Montana, I’ve listed some of my favorite totally true Hannah Montana facts from a few weeks ago:
“Hannah Montana’s only regret is that she is too young to have helped Hitler to fulfill his final solution.
Hannah Montana re-edited Jabba the Hut into the original Star Wars.
Hannah Montana force fed Heath Ledger all those pills.
Hannah Montana bombed Pearl Harbor
Hannah Montana invented the laugh track.” -Neil
“Hannah Montana plays softball with kittens.” -Captain Ross
“Hannah Montana made Godfather 3 and Gigli.” -LoganB
“If you play a Hanna Montana record backwards it says, ‘Hey thunder thighs, smoking crack is great for losing weight.’ It also says, ‘I killed JonBenet’.” -ibh
“Hannah Montana shits on the Constitution and then wipes her ass with the Declaration of Independence.” -Vimmy
“Hannah Montana is an expensive hat.” -Gladstone
Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien
- This is Why You Don't Steal from Cracked - November 21st, 2008
- On Inauguration Day White People Can Finally Be Cool - November 14th, 2008
- Will You Marry Me, Kristen Wiig? - November 7th, 2008
- "WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!": How to REALLY Talk to Cops - October 31st, 2008
- Leaked Excerpts from 15 Year-Old Miley Cyrus's "Memoir" - October 24th, 2008
November 1st, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Hannah Montana put Poker ads in these comments.
October 30th, 2008 at 3:49 am
“Hannah Montana sold your dog to a korean resteraunt.”
“Hannah Montana greenlighted Ghost Rider.”
“Hannah Montana is Nicolas Cage’s Biggest fan.”
“Hannah Montana cured the disease that create zombies and now hundreds of people everywhere like me wrote down a zombie defense plan for nothing. There goes my fucking conquest.”
“Hannah Montana is the true cause for all spam on Cracked.com”
“Hannah Montana is pro cancer”
“Hannah Montana is in charge of the IRS”
“Hannah Montana planted high grade explosives under the Twin Towers and detonated them”
“Hannah Montana reashured Satan that everything was under control”
“Hannah Montana was in charge of counting the Florida presidential ballots in 2004″
“Hannah Montana likes to use shrimp boats to catch dolphins”
“Hannah Montana frequently drowns cats when out of puppies”
“Hannah Montana sells crack out of her tour van to little kids”
“Hannah Montana is responsible for reality television shows getting greenlighted”
“Hannah Montana funded every single annoying, retarded antidrug PSR ever made”
“Hannah Montana volunteered at a suicide hotline to inform people that killing yourself really was the answer after all”
“Hannah Montana is responsible for every single advertisement banner on the net”
“Hannah Montana thinks shes a rockstar and parties hard but shes just a stupid cunt”
“Hannah Montana faked two annonymous calls to the police and now they are coming to raid your house”
October 24th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Hey, My pics of my new emo hair style
at http://tinyurl.com/5bts22
August 31st, 2008 at 4:42 pm
The “Nicolas Cage phenomenon” is the plague of many hollywood actors. There seems to be no middle-ground. His movies are either brilliant, or incredibly irrelevant, vomit-inducing refuse. Case-in-point:
Brilliant Movies:
Adaptation
Raising Arizona
Lord of War
The Weatherman
Red Rock West
Movies worse than Raw Sewage:
Face-Off
Con-Air
Ghost Rider
The Wicker Man
Windtalkers
Gone in 60 Seconds
National Treasure
Next
…And pretty much everything else he’s done
The “Nicolas Cage Phenomenon” is, I believe, the pressure some actors feel to keep working, even if they’ve already achieved substantial success. It’s that fear of fading into obscurity that keeps actors acting, even if the job is less than desirable. I think Cage was very good in Adaptation and especially Raising Arizona, but I can see how it might be difficult to turn down major Hollywood offers like Con-Air or Gone in 60 Seconds if given the chance. Too bad everyone can’t be like Gary Oldman or Daniel Day-Lewis.
July 15th, 2008 at 12:17 am
roulette gratis download…
Wenndubist il poker jeu poker freeware holdem poker online come giocare poker betandwin poker…
July 11th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
seven card stud gratis…
But online poker school sale poker online real money online poker casino website casino club net…
June 24th, 2008 at 4:14 am
free ringtones software…
Solamente como omaha hi lo jeu de poker sur pc free casino casino on net online texas hold em…
May 5th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
jeux poker…
Quite loan no payday telecheck teletrack gagner au video poker…
March 29th, 2008 at 7:11 am
We recently tried and completely fell in love with this wine. Here’ s Ryan’ s take on it,“ Blueberries(tons!) and craisens with a ton of fresh picked mint and as it opens violet notes that blend with the blueberries in a slow dance.( Interesting side note, using a homemade Le Nez du Vin, we found that Hawthorn berry, a flavor foreign to most of us, was a distinct quality in this wine). In some ways reminds me of my moms rhubarb/ strawberry sauce! Oh lush in the mouth with a soft gentle mouth feel and lots of…
March 6th, 2008 at 8:12 am
Hannah Montana wrote “Ice Ice Baby”
You know those movies where they say “From 2 of the five writers of Scary Movie”? You know those two guys? They’re both Hannah Montana.
“Hannah Montana” is an anagram for “JOHN WILKES BOOTH”.
Hannah Montana invented Cirque du Soleil.
Listen. And understand. Hannah Montana is out there. She can’t be bargained with. She can’t be reasoned with. She doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And she absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead. (It is a well known fact that Hannah Montana is a terminator sent back through time to kill the Conners, but malfunctioned and broke into show business)
Oh, and she’s also the terror that lives within the Chamber of Secrets
March 5th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Hannah Montana is STILL going to vote Bush
March 3rd, 2008 at 7:01 pm
I useta like Nic Cage. I love Raising Arizona, Birdy, Peggy Sue. And then he made the absolute worst movie ever. And got a goddamn Oscar for it. Apparently that convinced him that crappy movies were the way to go, although he’d have to explore Hitler’s sensitive side or something to really sink to the depths of Leaving Las Vegas again, so the second Oscar still eludes him.
Wait, just looking at the IMDb, Matchstick Men and Adaptation were great movies. What’s going on with this guy? I haven’t felt this confused since I found out I wasn’t gay.
In other news, Hannah Montana killed Laura Palmer.
February 29th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
ghost rider is teh win
February 27th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Hannah Montana once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.
Oh wait, no, that was Bill Brasky.
February 27th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
True’s wall of text crits for 100,000,000,000 damage.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:27 am
Hannah Montana is the reason your dad left.
February 27th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Hannah Montana invented New Coke and clear Pepsi!
February 26th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Hey “i”bh, thanks for stealing my Hanna Montana quote.
February 26th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
haha~~ the pic is so funny! i find more funny videos on the site@interracialmatch.com. the site is realy good.
February 26th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Hannah Montana wrote the above rant.
February 26th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Don’t believe one optimistic word from any public figure about the economy or humanity in general. They are all part of the problem. Its like a game of Monopoly. In America, the richest 1% now hold 1/2 OF ALL UNITED STATES WEALTH. Unlike ‘lesser’ estimates, this includes all stocks, bonds, cash, and material assets held by America’s richest 1%. Even that filthy pig Oprah acknowledged that it was at about 50% in 2006. Naturally, she put her own ‘humanitarian’ spin on it. Calling attention to her own ‘good will’. WHAT A DISGUSTING HYPOCRITE SLOB. THE RICHEST 1% HAVE LITERALLY MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. Don’t fall for all of their ‘humanitarian’ CRAP. ITS A SHAM. THESE PEOPLE ARE CAUSING THE SAME PROBLEMS THEY PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT. Ask any professor of economics. Money does not grow on trees. The government can’t just print up more on a whim. At any given time, there is a relative limit to the wealth within ANY economy of ANY size. So when too much wealth accumulates at the top, the middle class slip further into debt and the lower class further into poverty. A similar rule applies worldwide. The world’s richest 1% now own over 40% of ALL WORLD WEALTH. This is EVEN AFTER you account for all of this ‘good will’ ‘humanitarian’ BS from celebrities and executives. ITS A SHAM. As they get richer and richer, less wealth is left circulating beneath them. This is the single greatest underlying cause for the current US recession. The middle class can no longer afford to sustain their share of the economy. Their wealth has been gradually transfered to the richest 1%. One way or another, we suffer because of their incredible greed. We are talking about TRILLIONS of dollars. Transfered FROM US TO THEM. Over a period of about 27 years. Thats Reaganomics for you. The wealth does not ‘trickle down’ as we were told it would. It just accumulates at the top. Shrinking the middle class and expanding the lower class. Causing a domino effect of socio-economic problems. But the rich will never stop. They will never settle for a reasonable share of ANYTHING. They will do whatever it takes to get even richer. Leaving even less of the pie for the other 99% of us to share. At the same time, they throw back a few tax deductable crumbs and call themselves ‘humanitarians’. IT CAN’T WORK THIS WAY. This is going to end just like a game of Monopoly. The current US recession will drag on for years and lead into the worst US depression of all time. The richest 1% will live like royalty while the rest of us fight over jobs, food, and gasoline. Crime, poverty, and suicide will skyrocket. So don’t fall for all of this PR CRAP from Hollywood, Pro Sports, and Wall Street PIGS. ITS A SHAM. Remember: They are filthy rich EVEN AFTER their tax deductable contributions. Greedy pigs. Now, we are headed for the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time. SEND A “THANK YOU” NOTE TO YOUR FAVORITE MILLIONAIRE. ITS THEIR FAULT. I’m not discounting other factors like China, sub-prime, or gas prices. But all of those factors combined still pale in comparison to that HUGE transfer of wealth to the rich. Anyway, those other factors are all related and further aggrivated because of GREED. If it weren’t for the OBSCENE distribution of wealth within our country, there never would have been such a market for sub-prime to begin with. Which by the way, was another trick whipped up by greedy bankers and executives. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. The credit industry has been ENDORSED by people like Oprah, Ellen, Dr Phil, and many other celebrities. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. So don’t fall for their ‘humanitarian’ BS. ITS A SHAM. NOTHING BUT TAX DEDUCTABLE PR CRAP. Bottom line: The richest 1% will soon tank the largest economy in the world. It will be like nothing we’ve ever seen before. and thats just the beginning. Greed will eventually tank every major economy in the world. Causing millions to suffer and die. Oprah, Angelina, Brad, Bono, and Bill are not part of the solution. They are part of the problem. EXTREME WEALTH HAS MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. WITHOUT WORLD PROSPERITY, THERE WILL NEVER BE WORLD PEACE OR ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE. GREED KILLS. IT WILL BE OUR DOWNFALL. Of course, the rich will throw a fit and call me a madman. Of course, their ignorant fans will do the same. You have to expect that. But I speak the truth. If you don’t believe me, then copy this entry and run it by any professor of economics or socio-economics. Then tell a friend. Call the local radio station. Re-post this entry or put it in your own words. Be one of the first to predict the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time and explain its cause. WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.
February 26th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Hannah Montana is your father. Search your feelings; you know it to be true.
Hannah Montana is a disgrace to her father, Tony Montana.
Hannah Montana is the real writer/director of The Hottie and the Nottie.
February 26th, 2008 at 2:24 am
Nicholas Cage sucks. He’s the answer to a question which a lady got on an intercom and politely requested not to be asked. And judging by that picture, he probably smells like tamale-scented Aqua Velva.
February 26th, 2008 at 2:19 am
Hannah Montana is the dude in the Col. Sanders outfit who created The Matrix.
Hannah Montana turned Darth Vader to the Dark Side.
Hannah Montana suggested to Ed Wood Jr that he try directing.
Hannah Montana is calling you from INSIDE THE HOUSE!
She also gave Hayden Christensen acting lessons.
And she shot JR.
February 25th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Hannah Montana is everywhere. She is all around us, even now in this very room. You can see her when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel her when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. She is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
February 25th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Hannah Montana is the 39 year old child molester in your chatroom.
February 25th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Hannah Montana told Heath Ledger that diazepam would make him shit unicorns and piss glitter.
Hannah Montana eats endangered species and really cute puppies for dinner, which are served to her by orphans who she pokes in the eyes.
Hannah Montana poops in your coffee, every single morning.
February 25th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Hannah Montana taught Elvis his karate moves.
Hannah Montana gave Magic Johnson AIDS.
Hannah Montana had her first period; we all called it Katrina.
Hannah Montana wrote Achy Breaky Heart.
February 25th, 2008 at 8:59 am
I agree with most of the people Cage has some decent movies, but usually I only care if the movie is entertaining. Most (but not all) of Cage’s movies are decently entertaining.
February 25th, 2008 at 7:40 am
Hannah Montana had a time traveling adventure in which she told Charles Manson he should “Like totally start some kind of group or something y’know?”
February 25th, 2008 at 6:42 am
Hannah Montana introduced Fred Phelps to religion.
February 25th, 2008 at 2:28 am
Wow I’m in an article.
I’ll throw a couple more facts out then
Hannah Montanna forced Kirk Johnson to become the man known as Goatse
Hannah Montanna is responsible for The Pits
Hannah Montanna created Scientology
Hannah Montanna is Lord Xenu
Hannah Montanna was the first to spek liek dis pn te internet
Hannah Montanna is an anagram for I hate freedom
February 25th, 2008 at 12:00 am
Um. Miss Debater, Nicolas Cage apparently IS an Oscar-calibre actor. He was a winner for “Leaving Las Vegas”.
February 24th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
I know that I am in the minority, but I love Nic Cage. I adored him in Peggy Sue Got Married when I was a kid, I wept in Moonstruck, I laughed so hard I peed in Raising Arizona, and that’s when I developed a massive crush on the man. I’m sorry, people. I think he’s a good guy and a decent actor.
And I love National Treasure. I LOVE IT. Take that, restoftheworldwhohatesit.
February 24th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Hannah Montana told me she was 19.
February 24th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Hannah Montana WAS the plague.
February 24th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Who the fuck is Hannah Montana?
February 24th, 2008 at 8:50 am
Hannah Montana was the tsunami.
February 24th, 2008 at 8:50 am
Hannah Montana caused the plague
February 23rd, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Hannah Montana is the reason Color Me Badd existed.
February 23rd, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Man, I am getting SUCH an education on this site. I have no idea who this Hannah Montana person is, but clearly my life is richer for NOT knowing her. As for ol’ Nicky Cage, cut him a little slack. He’s been entertaining at the very least, huh? Sure, he’s no Oscar calibre actor, but you can’t tell me he hasn’t done some decent films. You liked Lord of War a LOT, I know.
February 23rd, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Cage made a lot of really good shitty 90s man movies - the rock, con air, face/off. All bad movies, but I love them for their badness. like judge dredd. But, I agree that there really isn’t any reason for his career (although the weatherman was an 9incredible movie)
Hannah Montana relies on kitten entrails for sustenance.
Hannah Montana created Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia out of clay and breathed life into them.
Hannah Montana is a gollum.
Hannah Montana invented racism.
Hannah Montana gave Michael J. Fox Parkinson’s.
Hannah Montana is a Patriots fan.
Hannah Montana shot all those people at Virginia Tech and NIU
Hannah Montana does experiments in her spare time that spit in the eyes of god. Her latest experiment combined a hippo, a tiger, a cockroach, and a banana.
Hannah Montana is Michael Vick’s dogsitter.
Hannah Montana made Beck be and Isaac Hayes become a Scientologist.
Hannah Montana gave FDR polio.
Hannah Montana is the reason Nic Cage has a career.
Hannah Montana actually hates Montana and only took it as her name to mock it.
Hannah Montana hates all forms of life.
February 23rd, 2008 at 4:13 pm
HANnah montANa stole Mitchell Henderson’s iPod.
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Now the references to haggis and sheep loving in the Bratz movie make sense.
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Goddamn Captain Ross, HahaHaHaHa!!!!! Kicked the cat in the butt.HaHaHaHaha!!!!!
@MSJ, My forehead starts right above my eyebrows and continues almost to the nape of my neck. I like Nic, am balding but unlike Nic I don’t have the money to hide it as well as he does.
February 23rd, 2008 at 11:33 am
Hannah Montana once hurt me badly.
I wrote a film script I was extremely proud of, and I was copyediting it one night, when the window beside blew through into a million splinterry pieces. Then, dressed in a black cloak, Hannah Montana stepped through under cover of a howling gale, grinning like a loon.
“I demand your script, I’ve heard about it in my underground cave of doom, and I think it’s going to make me even MORE of a millionaire.”
“No Hannah Montana, this is MY script. I worked very hard on this,” I told her, quite sadly.
“Ignorant peon, stand aside.”
She took my script by brute force, and for good measure, kicked my cat up the butt. Then she left, cackling manically.
My cat can’t sit down properly any more. And she turned my stolen film script into the Bratz Movie and sold it on.
February 23rd, 2008 at 10:55 am
Hanna Montana has had, to date, 665 abortions. The 666th will be the antichrist.
Also, she convinced Ewe Boll that he should try directing.
I’m not sure which is worse.
February 23rd, 2008 at 10:52 am
OK, so I’ll stop hating on N.C.. I still think he’s creepy but the truth is I took the kids to see National Treasure II. It was what it was. Now back to who we’re really supposed to be hating on…
Hannah Montana secretly masterminded the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. She’s totally, like, soooo against a Democratic Pakistan y’all.
The blond wigs that she wears are made by slave-laborers in Burmese prison camps.
Michael Jackson designs her wardrobe.
She repays the favor by sending her prepubescent male fans to his house for the weekend.
Hannah Montana launders money for Mexican drug lords.
Hannah Montana told Paris Hilton that the phrase “that’s hot” was really cool and that Paris should use it every chance she got.
Hannah Montana convinced Duane “the Dog” Chapman that it’s perfectly acceptable for white, redneck, trailer trash to use the “n” word.
February 23rd, 2008 at 10:44 am
Hannah Montana fucked my dog.
February 23rd, 2008 at 10:44 am
God, how much forehead is that?!
February 23rd, 2008 at 10:19 am
Nicolas Cage is also cool because he and I share the same birthdate, though I am slightly younger and considerably better looking. I also have more forehead than he.
February 23rd, 2008 at 10:13 am
Nic was also good in Lord of War.
February 23rd, 2008 at 8:35 am
Hanna Montana made me think unholy thoughts about her 15-year old self. I’m 22 btw.
Maybe I shouldn’t have typed that. Ho boy.
February 23rd, 2008 at 8:19 am
Hannah Montana canceled Alf.
I’m not very good at this.
February 23rd, 2008 at 5:14 am
Hannah Montana is the true leader of the taliban.
February 23rd, 2008 at 3:18 am
Hannah Montana wants to drop more bombs on Japan.
February 23rd, 2008 at 1:35 am
Hey what Hanna said about South Africans is simply NOT true. I feel deeply hurt and offended. We are not cowards. Eh?Oh my God that kitten next door is outside again. I’m off to hide in the closet. Will come and talk shit about that Montana bitch later. Pray for me.
February 23rd, 2008 at 1:23 am
The Rock and Con Air were not bad movies ,were not great but were not bad. As were the
the National Treasure movies.
Also Hannah Montana caused my youngest daughter to wreck her car and three weeks later wreck her Mom’s Acura and caused my insurance payments to be larger than the GNP
of several third world countries.
@kingmonkey, I notice that you picked up Mrs. glendoor42 but left the butt ugly children that look like you. They have learned to survive on squirrel and the newspapers that I don’t pick up but have a bad habit of wrecking my vehicles. I will be sending you and her the bill.
You may have to put off rodeo clown school for a while.
Hannah Montana is causing me to spell Mitchell Spain’s name wrong. Dammit she did it again.
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:51 am
Hannah Montana circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:49 am
Hannah Montana goes to India and tips over cows and draws Mohammed on them, then slaughters & eats them.
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:45 am
Hannah Montana’s father was the “King of the Mullet.” What else needs to be said?
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:09 am
so toothbrush,
is your misspelling embarrassment some sort of attempt at irony, or are you just THAT dumb?
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:50 pm
posted in the older thread also:
Hannah Montana keeps JFK and John Lennon as pets on a derelict island in the south pacific.
Hannah Montana was the inspiration behind the soviet-era gulags.
She was also the inspiration behind nazi concentration camps.
Hannah Montana poisoned Elvis.
Hannah Montana practices vivisections on babies.
Hannah Montana killed Jimmy Hendrix with his own guitar.
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:19 pm
“To remind you why else YOUR supposed to hate Hannah Montana, I’ve listed some of my favorite totally true Hannah Montana facts from a few weeks ago”
It’s “YOU’RE” not “YOUR”
Oh dear Cracked…sort YOUR shit out; YOU’RE an embarrisment
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Good movies yes, but good performances? I can’t agree. Maybe it’s another one of those things you either “get” or you don’t. Like Arrested Developement.
yup… I went there
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Nicolas Cage has made many bad movies, but i have to say he’s been very good in several:
Birdy
Raising Arizona
Moonstruck
Peggy Sue Got Married
and
Leaving Las Vegas.
And I don’t care. I liked The Rock and Con Air. But NOT Face Off or anything he’s made in ten years.
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Hannah Montana has 300 Starving Afghan Children, in her basement, Stitching sequins onto Cowboy boots.
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:59 pm
In “Raising Arizona” he was propped up by Holly Hunter and the genius of the Coen brothers. If you pay attention he’s playing the same dufus from “Peggy Sue Got Married” but without the weird high-pitch whiny voice which made that performance so annoying.
The Coen brothers will ask good character actors (Holly Hunter-John Turturo-John Goodman) back to make more movies. Nick Cage is not one of them.
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Vimmy, I am afraid if Hannah did cover So What I would have to reconsider my entire opinion of her.
February 22nd, 2008 at 7:58 pm
He has that “sleazy bad boy, steal your money, cheat on you left and right, never return phone calls, kinda dark psycho sexy, leave you crying to your mama” thing going on for him. I don’t understand it, no woman I know understands it but wooo is it hard to resist!
February 22nd, 2008 at 7:36 pm
I’ve actually heard from a few women that they find Nicolas Cage quite attractive, which is probably why he keeps getting movie deals. I find that prospect rather disturbing, but there’s no knowing what people like.
February 22nd, 2008 at 6:42 pm
For some reason the hypnotoad comment makes me want to watch Hanna Montana…….What!?!?! this could only mean one thing Daniel Brown is in league with the wench Burn him!!!!
February 22nd, 2008 at 6:41 pm
In Nick’s defence “Raising Arizona” is one of the funniest movies ever made.
February 22nd, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Hey Jeff, you make it seem like having a taste for Jew blood is a very bad thing…and by the way, I really think Nic “I’m too good for the letter ‘k’” Cage should really run with the whole “White Wesley Snipes” moniker…just think of the possibilities:
“Listen, we can do things the wrong way, or we can do them the WHITE way”
“These motherfuckers can’t play scrabble on the same planet as me”
(After killing someone in a printing factory) “You just had yo’ ass whited out”
“Say one more goddamn thing and you gettin this motherfuckin Blackberry shoved in yo ass”
February 22nd, 2008 at 6:13 pm
In response to a question posed by popular early 00’s song, it was indeed Hannah Montana who let the dogs out. Those dogs, however, were angry, rabid rottweilers. With a taste for blood. JEW blood.
February 22nd, 2008 at 5:12 pm
After reading Kinkajou Jones’ post I just had to take a closer at the photo. And it hit me…Jesus Christ ! Leopard print sheets & leather pants? What, no jar of cheap smelling “massage” cream on the nightstand? eew, eew, eew and…
eew!
February 22nd, 2008 at 5:05 pm
http://lolstuff.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/37evilz.jpg
February 22nd, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Caption for the Cage photo:
“Hi, I’m Nick Cage. That’s right, drink in my muscular shoulder and arm…I got this arm from masturbating on the faces of dead orphans…”
February 22nd, 2008 at 4:58 pm
i was seduced backstage at a hannah montana show. she made me do horrible, unholy things.
February 22nd, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Doesn’t the Cage photo above have that vaguely “Photoshopped” look about it (I mean aside from the hairline, which is a work in progress)? The face is much lighter and positioned oddly…it reminds me of the “Oswald in the backyard holding a rifle” look.
It would also be fun to see the talent void created by teaming Cage and Keanu as buddy cops in a film directed by Michael Bay and produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and possibly co-starring Eddie Griffin/Martin Lawrence as comic relief and P. Diddy as a Euro/Afri-terrorist who threatens to release a bio-terror/computer virus. Did I miss anything? Oh, yeah, soundtrack by…wait for it…Hannah Montana!!
February 22nd, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Hannah Montana stole Gladstone’s chest hair and glued it on a creepy, no-talent hack named Nicholas Cage.
psst…I’m honestly flattered you quoted my post but the first letter in “lbh” is a lower case “L”
February 22nd, 2008 at 4:31 pm
NEw Hannah Montana album tracklisting:
1. Communism Rocks!
2. Mahmoud Ahmadinejab is My Best Friend
3. Eat Your Parents
4. Hey Kids! Meth Tastes Like Candy!
5. Mmmm… Baby Rape!
6. Heil Hannah!
7. Murder is Fun For Everyone
8. KILL!!!!!!!
9. I Just Ate a Kitten
10. Fuck the Geneva Convention
11. So What (Anti-Nowhere League cover… look up the lyrics)
Someone get Wal-Mart to ban this shit!!