Put Cage in a Cage, and This Week in Hating Hannah Montana
A whole lot of things in this world don't make sense to me. I don't know why we can't accurately predict the weather yet, I'm not totally sure how microwaves work, Calculus has always been somewhat of a weakness.
The Vagina can be pretty tricky if you catch it on a bad day.
But of all the things in this world that I don't completely understand, nothing is quite as confusing as the continuing career of actor/forehead-monster Nicolas Cage, [pictured right just minutes after molesting an eleven year old]. I mean, the guy's got six movies coming out in the next two years despite the fact that he's fairly talent-less, incredibly unattractive and remarkably unlikable. Sure, he's Francis Ford Coppola's son or nephew or whatever, but that shouldnt mean he gets to be Ghost Rider, right? Right!? There is no justice in this world.
Well, despite what some Cracked Bloggers might lead you to believe, there is some justice in this world as, earlier this week, Nicolas The White Wesley Snipes Cage was accused of tax fraud. Apparently, he used his production company to "wrongly write off $3.3 million in personal expenses" and, a few years before that, "made a shitty movie about face-swapping.
In an effort to let the actor clear the air and reveal his side of the story, I drove past Cages house early this morning and pooped in his mailbox. Will he go to jail? Or will he, like Mr. Snipes, beat the charges and make a Bowflex commercial? Time will tell.
Stay tuned after the jump for everyone's favorite segment....
This Week in Hating Hannah Montana
Apparently, there was some huge toy festival or something the other day wherein the toys for the next toy season (?) were revealed and, as if we needed another sign of the apocalypse, there were Hannah Montana cut outs and posters everywhere. Evidently, that bitch who plays Hannah Montana, (the Disney Channels answer to the Hypno Toad), is so successful that every toy company on the planet is trying to latch on to her. Thats disturbing in and of itself, but thats not the worst of it. Co-Owner of toy company Brand New, Kelly Faso says there hasn't been anything like Hannah Montana in a long time. They're comparing her phenomenon to the Beatles. The Beatles. The Beatles, people. Did you hear that, Gladstone? Hannah Montana is the new motherfucking Beatles. Do you all understand what that means? History will remember America circa 2008 as unanimously in favor of keeping Hannah Montana alive. Future generations are going to look back at the early 2000s as Montanamania. Decades from now when VH1 airs I Loved The 00s, all theyre going to remember about us is this shrieking-harlot-turned-billionaire and her stupid TV show about bullshit. Pretty soon, Hannah Montana will be taught in all of our schools and one of her hit songs, (I Wanna Eat Your Baby [All Night Long]Im sorry, I dont actually know any of her songs), will replace our National Anthem. Are you gonna sit back and let that happen?
People, I dont want to have to say this again: We need to shave Hannah Montanas head and bury her twelve feet underground. Im just saying what everyones thinking.
To remind you why ELSE your supposed to hate Hannah Montana, Ive listed some of my favorite totally true Hannah Montana facts from a few weeks ago:
Hannah Montanas only regret is that she is too young to have helped Hitler to fulfill his final solution.
Hannah Montana re-edited Jabba the Hut into the original Star Wars.
Hannah Montana force fed Heath Ledger all those pills.
Hannah Montana bombed Pearl Harbor
Hannah Montana invented the laugh track. -Neil
Hannah Montana plays softball with kittens. -Captain Ross
Hannah Montana made Godfather 3 and Gigli. -LoganB
If you play a Hanna Montana record backwards it says, Hey thunder thighs, smoking crack is great for losing weight. It also says, I killed JonBenet'. -ibh
Hannah Montana shits on the Constitution and then wipes her ass with the Declaration of Independence. -Vimmy
Hannah Montana is an expensive hat. -Gladstone
If what you predict of the future generation's view of use, if any kids ask me what the 00s were like, the only thing I'm going to do is show them pictures of prostitutes. Just to improve their ideas of us.
Replydon't forget that Miley is a sexless creature created by Gargamel to murder smurfs and that all the kindness kinks were worked out from previous attempts (talking about smurfette).
Reply"They know"
We'll be f**king LUCKY if people remember the 00's as Montanimania, it's not the worst thing we've let live (although it's ceratinly in the top 3). What about the Jonas Brothers, of the author of Twilight?
ReplySeriously people, perceptive, we -could- rape her to death (so long as the supply of viagra remains constant), then at least we could get SOME enjoyment out of her.
i say a giant gay bash on all twilight stars and crew(even the lighting director) and the f**khead brothers
hannah montana eats her own shit and boned rosey o'donald
ReplyI just have a problem with Hannah Montana. She creeps me out.
ReplyI just realized I spelled "Montana" wrong....twice....lol....yeah...
ReplyLol, two years ago when I was 16 I worked at Toys R Us, and let me tell you Hannah Montanah had her own freaking section. It was the most dreadfull section in the whole freaking store! I couldn't keep it neat bc so many people kept buying fucking Hannah Montanna toys! lol
ReplyHannah Montana is the real cause of all the wars Mel Gibson accusesed Jewish people of. She also sucks peoples brains out through their noses and eats them. She loves to suck babies blood and eat toxic waste!
ReplyHannah Montana has razor sharp teeth in her vagina. But not in her anus.
ReplyHannah Montana is the reason why babies die, only the souls of innocents give her power.
Hannah Montana wears a blond wig in order to perform because she would be too stupid to do so otherwise.
Hannah Montana is not a very good singer.
ReplyHannah Montana shot Tupac Shakur. and Biggie Smalls.
ReplyHannah Montana invented spam mail - and laughs manically while she sends it.......... to orphans. Orphans with diseases.
ReplyEvery christmas eve, Hannah Montana rises from her tomb to feed upon the flesh of the living and set fire to the decorations - just to ruin it for the children.
Hannah Montana held Natalie Wood underneath the water.
Hannah Montana is a republican.
Hannah Montana is 'firin her lazer' - at orphans, children and the elderly.
Hannah Montana is the reason The Simpsons is still on the air.
Hannah Montana has a secret volcano lair.
Hannah Montana made all R&B music sound the same.
Hannah Montana's top 5 myspace friends are Hitler, Bin Laden, Mugabe, Pol Pot and Cthulu.
Hannah Montana destroyed Atlantis and feasted upon the citizens charred corpses - laying her egg brood in the chosen few.
Hannah Montana is unable to fly planes but insists upon it anyway ........... 9/11/2001 anyone?
Hannah Montana created stereotypes.
Hannah Montana's favourite colour is red - she paints her home with a mixture of the blood of a million orphans, puppies, and other assorted small furry creatures, and her own period.
Hannah Montana started memes.
Hannah Montana began the swine flu pandemic by queefing in a mexican branch of McDonalds - which she only visited so that Ronald mcDonald could abort her latest fetus in the bathroom.
Hannah Montana framed Roger Rabbit.
Hannah Montana is a manifestation of the AIDS virus.
Hannah Montana killed grammar and invented 'Txt Speech'.......... what a bitch.
Contrary to popular belief, video did not kill the radio star - it was Hannah Montana.
The puppet from Saw is Hannah Montana - she feeds off your pain and suffering.
Hannah Montana is going to get you, and your little dog too!
Hanna Montana made Jimi Hendrix an alcoholic.
ReplyI keep listening to the news speak about getting free online grant applications so I have been looking around for the best site to get one.
Replyhey, it wont be hard to get rid of her!
Replyjust force feed her some pills (any will do)
replace her next concert costume with underwear
shave her head
impregnate her
take away her baby and watch her struggle with custody battle after drunken custody battle (with... who?)
untill shes turned into a huge JOKE because chris crocker make a youtube video saying
"LEAVE MILEY(/hannah?) ALONE"
hey, it worked on britney?
worth a shot AMIRITE?!
gsaApc hi! how you doin?
ReplyRed, you forgot 'The Rock'. I loved that movie!
ReplyHannah Montana can't act.
ReplyAs for facts:
"Hanna Montana is the leading advocate for the charity 'Burn Kids Alive for Hitler'."
Too bad VH1 already aired "I love the 00's"...they've run out of ideas, it's a sad sad day for america.
ReplyHannah Montana put Poker ads in these comments.
Reply