Guillermo, I’ve never questioned you in the past. When you optioned Hellboy, I was like “yeah, duh, he’s the goddamned devil.”
When you and I got sloshed over a pitcher of sangria and you said you just had to make a movie with a guy who had eyes on his hands, I was like “whatever floats your boat, dude.”
But as your friend and paid life coach, I’ve got to tell you, your recent proclamation that extra roles in The Hobbit films will be filled by fans of the movies may be the worst idea anyone’s ever had.
And to prove it to you, I invented time travel, went into the future, and brought back a review of the movie. Yes, that’s what a good fucking friend I am.
Then I destroyed the time travel device. Why? Because it’s function had been served. So take heed, Lermo. THIS is where you’re headed if you don’t wise up.
The first of two proposed movies based on Tolkien’s The Hobbit was released this week, and by now it’s a fair assumption that Director Guillermo Del Toro has fled to Spain to escape the bloodthirsty mobs that roam the streets, calling for his blood. All this reviewer can say to those who would kill the man simply for making such an awful movie is: I own a boat.
What makes The Hobbit so uniquely terrible? Perhaps it is that it defames such a beloved work of literature. When a scene as classic as the Elven picnic is interrupted by the background elves continuously jostling one another in order to get close enough to steal pieces of Lembas bread, your movie’s in trouble.
I’d warn of spoilers, but it seems to me that one can’t really spoil a big plate of shit. In Part I of The Hobbit, the “acting” work, almost exclusively in group scenes, contains a number of filmic atrocities the likes of which I’ve never witnessed. Rampant, unjustified departures from the original story included:
In the end, Mr. Del Toro appears to have had so little control over his set, one wonders if he’s ever even heard of poisonous gas.
The Hobbit? More like The Bobbitt. By which I mean this film was so bad that it cut my dick off and flung it into the street.
In a parallel timestream, Michael is still head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
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July 18th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
This guy is ugly!! He is dating a famous rich woman on the top sugar dating site ^Black s u g a r m o m m y^co m, and the nice car he drives was a gift from that woman. He can make a perfect sugarbaby!!!!
July 14th, 2008 at 12:06 am
What a wonderful article. Maybe we can have further hobbit-related discussions and see pictures of sexy she-hobbits at __hothobbits.com__!.
July 13th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
So true. What the hell is he thinking? I’m hoping that by “extras” he means the people in the movies that you only see for half a second before they are decapitated.
P.S. Guillermo is a Spanish name and would be pronounced “Geeyairmoe”, so Lermo wouldn’t really work as a nickname…
July 13th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
At least, that’s what he’d tell you.
July 13th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Vice versa? Fucking syrup whilst covered in trees? Either way, it sounds like something Bear Grylls would do: “This is how to keep warm when you’re lost in the Casnadian wilderness.”
July 13th, 2008 at 7:31 am
how about fucking trees while covered in syrup? Or vise versa…
July 12th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Is that site for people who like to fuck trees, or syrup? Inquiring minds want to know.
July 12th, 2008 at 8:05 am
well……there’s this
http://www.fakebuddy.com
July 11th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
Probably more fun than I had after meeting fun young singles on maplebang.ca.
Of course, having just read what I wrote, I do believe maplebang is going to become my new catch-phrase.
July 11th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Oh come on Ross, we know that you were out with somebody you met on ___UKbigdate.com___! .
July 11th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Yes, Britain, that whole region.
You think you can trust an Aussie with an obese cat and turn your back to play Vice City and what happens?
You don’t want to know, let’s just say that.
July 11th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Ok, ok; I suppose I can let it slide this time. What’s this about a time difference? You on the West Coast, Ross? The rest of the world outside Ah-mur-kah don’t count; gotta get the clocks fixed. Though I suppose Britain gets a pass since they invented the whole mean standard time thing in the first place. But you can only use that excuse if you’re going by actual twin authentic naval chronometers. I’ll buy the whole cat, Aussie, Vice City thing though. Fucking Aussies.
July 11th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
and I was busy making fake spam comments about midgets fucking that prolly looked too much like spam a few comments up
it took all day to think of it, i swear
July 11th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Nice post! I also saw many personal blogs, hot sexy photos&videos @ sexy big people dating club ___UKbigdate.c om___! So many big beautiful women and big handsome men mingle there for fun&love!
July 11th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
The Australian is having therapy though. And Vice City will never work again.
July 11th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
He survived. Barely, but he survived.
July 11th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Sorry J-pappi I would have rather been responding to post here because some shark managed to open and drank all the Jack Daniel mini bottles I used for bait. No great loss though, they were filled with cat pee.
July 11th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I hope the cat’s okay.
July 11th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Sorry J, combination of time difference and that whole incident involving an obese cat, an Australian and a copy of GTA: Vice City kinda got in the way.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Hey guys, nice discussion, but i found a great site, midgetsfucking.com, you should all check it out.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:17 am
How long will it be before we get a midget dating site from this spambots?
July 11th, 2008 at 9:45 am
I saw many hot video at a black bbw dating site called interracial romancing.com. You can even check out more sexy and beautiful photos, videos and blogs
July 11th, 2008 at 7:37 am
I would have responded, but I was minding my own business, swimming around in my shark cosutme. Some asshole kept throwing a fishing line into the water, though, baited with tiny little Jack Daniels bottles.
July 11th, 2008 at 2:26 am
That’s better. Sort of. And these bots are getting disturbingly more human. If robot technology increases even half that fast we’ll all be the wrong Sarah Connor in the phone book.
July 11th, 2008 at 2:17 am
Hi, guys, nice discussion, But it is new year now, would you love to try something new to celebrate these great days? How about interracial hot dating? mixed loving . c o m you will be surprised
July 11th, 2008 at 1:16 am
I’m shark fishing.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:05 am
J- Pappi, I playing guitar.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:45 am
Where the fuck is everyone? I don’t want to hear that lame-ass “I gotta work tomorrow” or “I’ve got a girlfriend” shit either. I know better.
BLOG, BITCHES.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:43 am
Marshmaniac, pumpkins aren’t really all that scary when you get to know them. In fact, I know some intimately. Oh, yes. Very intimately.
Byakuya, it’s probably too late tonight, but yeah in general. And I haven’t seen the first one; this one just looks like it’ll be better. Plus, the Onion A.V. Club said so.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:35 am
Anybody else looking forward to Hellboy 2 tonight?
July 10th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
oh no, a pumpkin
July 10th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Canadian Nazis? “Achtung, Juden! Eh?”
July 10th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
For this simply fantasmical blog post, you get many man-hugs Captain Swaim!
July 10th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Yeah, nobody would have looked for you there, that’s for damn sure.
July 10th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Well, how were we supposed to know, Ross? Shit, in hindsight, we really should have just come back to Casnadia.
July 10th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Don’t forget those 2 bit thugs from Vegas who’ve never done anything crazy before that night.
July 10th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Fleeing TO Mexico? I thought only train robbers and Nazi’s did that.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
He originally fled to Mexico, but they wouldn’t have him. Spain was his backup.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
“bloodthirsty mobs that roam the streets, calling for his blood”
Swaim,
Where’s your editor? Come on! Who’s editing this crap?? Calling for blood is what bloodthirsty mobs do. You should have written: “bloody mobs that roam the streets, calling for his thirst”
There. That’s better…I think.
I’d rather have a sword that was “+p”.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Del Toro is from Mexico, not Spain.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
All I know is that Guillermo better not fuck up the only JRR Tolkien book I actually read. For if he does, it shall be Antzar Eguna for Señor Del Toro.
P.S. - Swaim, I am truly disappointed that you destroyed that time machine. We could have headed to 2050 to see how that Robot Sex think Bucholz was talking about went…
July 10th, 2008 at 11:59 am
You forgot to mention the one hobbit who managed to get the poster that had the letters
TAM in almost every scene of Bilbo that was filmed.
July 10th, 2008 at 11:45 am
I thought between The Hobbit and The Fellowship would just be endless black space.
If we’re getting a fantasy epic novel turned movie I want them to finally put that The Name of The Wind film into production.
July 10th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Also–I laughed so hard at that PA.
Isn’t H2 supposed to be released . . . in December of 2012? . . . That’s ominous.
July 10th, 2008 at 10:56 am
The idea of making The Hobbit: 2 (yes, I know it won’t technically be a “second” Hobbit) without Christopher Tolkien’s help or approval (as I understand it) scares me to no end.
July 10th, 2008 at 9:31 am
Del Toro’s Dr. Strange would kick ass.
I’m interested to see what this second film contains, as it is my understanding that it is set between The Hobbit and The LOTR.
I’m not the only one concerned:
http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2008/5/28/
July 10th, 2008 at 9:18 am
I’m more anxious to see is Del Toro is actually going to put out a Doctor Strange movie.
July 10th, 2008 at 9:17 am
I’d totally sleep with a hobbit.
July 10th, 2008 at 9:10 am
Which parts would be played by nerds?