5 Insane True Stories Of Buying The House From Hell

I've worked in the home improvement industry for over a decade, and as a result of that, I will never own my own house. I know people who seem to manage it just fine, and some who even thoroughly enjoy it. Maybe you're one of them and are laughing at me right now. It's just that there are so many abject terrors a house of your own can casually cast on you. I've seen too many folks left with their asses hanging in the breeze. So whether you're planning to build a house or scoff at the very idea, at least do yourself a favor and read this. You won't be sorry.

(You will be sorry.)

#5. Poop Lurks Around Every Corner

GOSPHOTODESIGN/iStock/Getty Images

One of the worst nights of my entire life can be handily summed up by the first minute or so of this scene from Dogma:


Yes, it's the shit demon scene, and yes, it's a damn documentary.

There I was, blissfully enjoying the fact that I was not currently covered in human shit, when suddenly I heard a gurgle from the bathroom. Confident that it was just another gremlin infestation, I sighed, got up, and went to give them a karate or two. What I found instead was poop. So very much poop, coming out from all the available orifices the bathroom had to offer. This was noticeably less sexy than it sounds.

There are good moves and bad moves in this situation. The good move: whimper a bit and call an expert. The bad move: panic, flush.

Have you ever seen a poop geyser? I have. It was thankfully less spraying and more bubbly than you'd expect, but still far below what an average person would consider glorious. By the time I was done containing the spillage from the fine raw sewage backup I had just experienced, I was literally scooping shit in tiny cardboard party cups because they were the only barrier I had between liquefied feces and my hands. Note: There is no amount of gloves in the world that can make that job any more pleasant.

Jack Hollingsworth/Photodisc/Getty Images
Hot chocolate, anyone?

Two deservedly sarcastic plumbers, some extremely spirited cleaning, and several very, very careful showers later, things were finally more or less back to normal. My only positive memories of the event are the several, for once not hyperbolic "I can't make it tonight, got caught up in a shit storm" messages I got to send out.

That specific incident made me realize that poop is everywhere. Poop is running under our streets, poop is under the floor, and poop is in the walls, in the ceiling, and in the sea. We used poop to build the world, then shoved it unceremoniously out of sight like the unwelcome neighbor it admittedly is. And like that same creepy neighbor, it's just biding its time to pop up to say hi and hang out in our house for a while.

There are many reasons Poop Napoleon could suddenly descend on your shit hole like it was Austerlitz. Clogging from sanitary products and too-many-ply toilet paper. Tree roots that decided to tear through your main sewer line. Floods. Construction errors happen: I've seen sewer lines that do their level best to climb uphill and thus start barfing finely aged terror farts (and sometimes more) at you during wet seasons. Maybe you bought a house that was built before the 1980s and your sewer lines are made from bullshit 19th-century wood pulp piping known as Orangeburg pipes.

Ryan J. Stanton/Ann Arbor News
Really? Orange? That's the color springing to mind here?

Still, as unnoticeable as most of these issues are until it's too late, when they do happen, taking care of it is as simple as calling your landlord and saying, "Your house just exploded in a geyser of shit." But if you own that house, you are now stuck with the choice of paying several thousand dollars to fix it or wading through a literal sewer in blind hope that it's something you can take care of on your own (Hint: You cannot).

#4. Older Houses Feel Haunted For A Reason

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You're sleeping in the house you own as the lord/lady of your domain, with no worries in the world save for the crushing mortgage, when suddenly the loudest noise you've ever heard jerks you back to the waking land. After calming down, you put it down to a sleep jerk or whatever and slowly start drifting back to sle-

BOOM!!!

OhGodohGodohGod! What in the everfucking shit was that? It's like someone literally dropped a wrecking ball on your house. And then it happens again. And again. As you sprint to what you insist is your panic room but is really just a pillow fort in the corner of the study, you fully expect WWIII to have kicked into full gear and brace yourself for the inevitable invasion of space Nazis.

Christian Zielecki / EyeEm/EyeEm/Getty Images
"Don't be silly. We're not due until 2018."

Sorry, no extraterrestrial fascists for you tonight! That shit was just a frost quake -- a wacky phenomenon where cold weather contracts your house's building materials, causing them to groan and bang and turns the whole place into an audio bomb. Did the seller forget to mention this? Don't worry! It's totally harmless. Usually. If your house is well-built. Which it totally is, right? Right?

Frost quakes are just one of the many bullshit things you can encounter during your house-owning endeavor that there's no real way to brace yourself for. According to a friend of mine who used to work as a building inspector -- we'll call him Frank Buildinginspector -- there are so many ways to encounter insane bullshit, the world would run out of trees if all of those ways were put on paper.

Did the previous owner have at least two males in the family? You can rest assured there is some extremely localized water damage in the bathroom. Or maybe the piping (including sewer lines, because, like I said, poop lurks everywhere) has been constructed in such an asshat way that it's borderline impossible to inspect or maintain, leading to situations such as the one Frank names as the worst in his career: extremely elderly sewer pipes, directly attached to the ground floor and long since burst because of fucking course, managed to render both the ground floor and the soil underneath into hazardous waste. The owner of the house only thought to inspect the situation because of a "kinda funny smell."

Toshi Sasaki/Stone/Getty Images
"Also, is it a little warm in here?"

And then we have the outright horror-movie scenarios that Cracked has already told you about, like the mold in old houses that can make you see ghosts and malfunctioning fans that can ... also make you see ghosts.

In fact, you know what? Just outright embrace all that shit. Even if there's no way you could peacefully live there, I'm betting if you combined the ghost stuff with the frost quakes and strange smells, you'd make a killing by turning the place into a haunted house.

#3. Poison Is Potentially Everywhere

Michael Blann/Photodisc/Getty Image

I realize I'm running the risk of sounding less like a fun, harmless-when-not-too-drunk-and-at-dropkick-distance Internet columnist and more like a screeching fearmonger, but poisonous houses are totally a thing, and I think we can all agree that it's better you hear it from me than a reliable, certified expert, because hard facts are easier to swallow when laced with liberal dick jokes. Hehehe. "Hard." "Swallow." "Dick." See?

If you've ever even glanced at a house with a twinkling intention to throw money at it, you've probably heard about radon, an odorless, colorless, and fucking radioactive gas that lurks in soil and may seep in through any ol' crack or seam. Smoking aside, it's the biggest culprit for lung cancer we know about (we're talking 20,000 lung cancer deaths per year), it can't be detected without a special test, and an estimated one in 15 houses have radon leakages in the U.S. alone. Are you feeling lucky, punk?

Jacom Stephens/Vetta/Getty Images
"Sure. They threw in this suit; have you any idea how much these things cost?"

Luckily, even if you wind up buying a house without insisting on the test, the issue is fairly simple to fix with radon removal systems (if you notice it, that is). That fixes a minuscule damn fraction of your poisonin' issues. There's still carbon monoxide (400 deaths and up to 20,000 ER visits per year), potentially poisoning you from leaky heating systems and blocked vents. Does your house still have all the original surface materials, you hipster, you? Fuck -- you might be looking at a lungful of hazardous lead paint, or fiberglass insulation, or plain old asbestos, or formaldehyde, or random pollutants from carpeting. Or mold. Or that goddamned ghost mold I mentioned earlier, why the hell not?

himalaja/iStock/Getty Images
"I'm made up of the souls of the previous homeowners."

I'm not trying to paint a picture of every house as a poison-filled death trap that is just waiting to take your money and your life. I'm not here to fearmonger -- tons of people live in their own houses and are so happy they joyfully cry tears made out of Skittles. Still, I feel it's worth pointing out all the weird bullshit that might bite you in the ass somewhere down the line if you don't do the shit out of your homework before signing on the dotted line.

Besides, if I wanted to really monger fear, I wouldn't be talking about pesky bullshit like poison seeping through the walls. I'd be talking about stuff like ...

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