Pitching Movies to Katherine Heigl: Harder Than It Looks

Without question, Katherine Heigl is the most inspired, revolutionary and brilliant leading actress in any film ever created about a morning show producer who is bad at love until she kisses Gerard Butler in a hot air balloon. I'm willing to fight anyone who says otherwise. She is more than a shimmering superstar, Katherine Heigl is a bright and constant planet, one of those distant ones we name after gods and which we'll probably never see up close because they're made of poison. For what feels like millions of years, she has floated through the seasonal skies of our cultural consciousness, shaping our understanding of relationships through too many romantic comedies to count, and at least six.

And once again this winter, Katherine Heigl's orbit will carry her over the horizon and back into our lives. New Year's Eve and One For the Money are due for release in the next few months. Each of them, no doubt, will tell the story of a confident, self-reliant young woman realizing that, in fact, happiness can only be found in the strong arms of a man. It is her favorite story to tell, and our favorite story to hear. I cannot fucking wait.

Please let it be a prequel.

I never want her to stop making romantic comedies. I want her to continue producing and starringplaneting in every feel good film about love until there is literally nothing left to say on the subject, then I want to watch her make 700 more. To that end, I have pitched her some outstanding new movie concepts over email that I hope she'll consider. I know that my small effort will only account for a chunk of what I wish to see from her over the next 63 years, but perhaps it will encourage other fans to follow suit until we have supplied her with so many scripts, plots and pitches that she will have no choice but to continue making them until she dies.

Subject: You Should Make This

Dear Katherine Heigl,

Though we've never met, I feel as if I'm writing to an old friend or family member. In fact, we share so much in common,from high cheekbones to enchanting eyes,that you could easily be my sister separated at birth. The kind of sister I would feel OK about kissing if it came down to it. Obviously I'd make sure it was something you felt good about first, I wouldn't just force it on you, that's not my style. But if we both felt mutually inclined to kiss at, say, a fancy dinner or under some fireworks, then I wouldn't spoil that moment just because a couple nurses somewhere made a mistake once. How could that be our fault? In fact, I'd feel better about this whole mess if we just agreed right now that we're still going to kiss each other, whether we find out we're siblings or not. Cool? Good, I'm glad it's not a big deal for you either. You see, we even think alike.

Now down to business. I am a big fan of your work both on television and film and I feel like I've developed a solid grasp on the types of characters you enjoy playing. I also know that you are producing your next movie, One for the Money. Given the freedom you now enjoy to pursue your own projects, I have an idea I want to float past you for a future film. I'll admit that I have never written a romantic comedy before but I'm confident I understand the formula after watching several. Please let me know if you are interested:

Working title: Brainy GirlKendra, the hard-working owner of an independent bookstore is struggling to keep her shop afloat in an age when everyone is buying books online or downloading them electronically. She's an awkward bookworm who has spent her life so deeply invested in the lives of fictional characters, that she has forgotten to live her own. It's very sad.

Until one day, fate intervenes.

Colin, a handsome doctor enters her bookstore looking for a birthday gift for his demanding fiance. Kendra goes to retrieve a book for him on the top shelf and, due to her clumsy nature, drops an entire volume of hard-bound encyclopedias on her face.

She wakes up in a hospital with severe head trauma. Colin has operated on her because he is a surgeon, it turns out. He couldn't close her skull entirely because of the staggering amount of damage and now a portion of her brain is constantly exposed. Fortunately, it is the most beautiful brain he's ever seen. Colin realizes he never loved his fiance, and for the first time starts to understand that love isn't just about finding a girl with a pretty face, it's about pealing that face down and looking at what's behind it. Kendra also falls in love with him because he is handsome and successful and the movie says so. Everyone learns a valuable lesson about how special brains really are and also how dangerous books can be.

So that's it. I have a lot more like this but I wanted to gauge your interest first. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours,

Soren Bowie

Subject: RE: You Should Make This

You've got the wrong Katherine. This happens a lot to me. But I did work in a library once.

Subject: RE:You Should Make This

Dear Katherine Heigl,

If you didn't like it, you can just say so. I'm not married to using Kendra for it if that's the problem. She could have any name and she could be really empowered instead of book-smart and shy. If it's the whole premise you don't like, that's fine too. I originally imagined it as Anna Faris anyway. I have several more that I think are perfect for you. For instance, I know you like animals, so if you will, picture this:

Working Title: I'm "Feline" ItVanessa just got fired from her job at an art gallery and now she's out of work. She needs money to support her own artistic pursuits and to pay the rent on her messy but pretty artist's loft. She stubbornly refuses to conform to the 9 to 5 world because she has to be free to paint whenever inspiration strikes. But with her savings nearly depleted, she's running out of options.

Until one day, fate intervenes.

Her eccentric grandmother dies of a lung thing so Vanessa inherits her money, her house ... and ALL 46 OF HER CATS! The will makes it clear that she has to take care of every last cat to the best of her ability or else she loses everything. The handsome, but strict barrister promises to check up on her progress regularly.

Now she has a whole new heap of troubles, and all her money is going towards hilarious problems with the cats, like eye medicine and cyst removals. Fortunately, the barrister ends up being a nice guy after he sees what a great artist she is and takes pity on her. He shows her all the legal ways she can skirt the stipulations of the will and get away with accidentally killing the cats. Together they stage all kinds of funny and elaborate accidents, while at the same time, they start falling in love. By the time they finally put down the last cat, Vanessa finds out she's pregnant! Yikes! Is she going to have 46 kids now?! No. She has three and then can't have anymore.

Let me know what you think!

Your friend,

Soren

Subject: RE: You Should Make This

Dear Soren,

You're not getting it. I'm not the Katherine Heigl you're looking for. There's more than one of us in the world. Shocker! I can't help you.

Subject: RE:You Should Make This

Hi Katherine Heigl,

How about a ski instructor that gets amnesia after crashing into a tree on Christmas and a handsome architect visiting for the holidays has to help her figure out who she is?

Working title: A White (Slate) Christmas.

Expectant,

Soren

Subject: RE: You Should Make This

Soren,

You're joking right? You can't be serious. I already told you I'm not that Katherine. I don't even know where you got this email from.

Subject: RE:You Should Make This

I was saving this one for our fourth or fifth movie together but here it is. I'll be honest, I really didn't anticipate you hating those other three.

A happy-go-lucky Lucy works in a train station and sees the same handsome guy come through every day but never talks to him. One morning he falls on the tracks and she saves his life. Unfortunately, the fall puts him in a coma and she tells the hospital and his family that she is his girlfriend. The family believes it and everything is working out perfectly.

Until one day, fate intervenes.

She realizes his brother is a better person and she starts to fall in love with him instead. Together they start an affair that isn't really even an affair! In the end, everyone understands that they are supposed to be together.

That's all yours now.

Love,

Soren

P.S. I guessed this email address.

Subject: RE: You Should Make This

That's the plot of While You Were Sleeping. I think Katherine Heigl would know that. Pitching her a movie that already exists is stupid. Stop emailing me. Get a life.

Subject: RE:You Should Make This

Dear Katherine,

It's not the same. Mine would have aliens in it at one point. Also, it would take place in the summer. Do we have a deal?

Your friend,

Soren

Subject: RE: You Should Make This

No. There's no deal. You are a lunatic. Katherine Heigl would be crazy to make any of your stupid movies. She would probably have you arrested. STOP. EMAILING. ME.

P.S. I googled you. You think you're some writer. Well you're not.

Subject: RE:You Should Make This

It's me again Katherine Heigl,

I know you're mad but I really think you're going to like this one:

Librarian Kathryn spends so much time with Byron and Joyce and Yeats that no man can hope to live up to her expectations of a boyfriend. She dates a little before giving it up completely and turning back to the romantics in the poetry stacks, accepting the idea that she will never find true love in the world.

Until one day, fate intervenes.

Notes start appearing in the margins of her favorite books. Notes to her! Or, at the very least, notes to a person with her exact same name. At first she erases them, furious that anyone would defile the works of masters, but soon she starts reading them and discovering that this person is a phenomenal author (despite what she first thought of him), writing his own stanzas between the poems she already loves. With some detective work, she catches the man when he returns to the library to write more and to see her. She confronts him about defiling books and instead of running he pushes her against the stacks then kisses her passionately. Finally, he whispers something in her ear something so beautiful and perfect that it makes her fall in love forever: it his true identity!

From,

Soren

Subject: RE: You Should Make This

Let me guess. YOU?

Subject: RE:You Should Make This

No. It's her brother.

Who is it? YOU?

That's stupid.

You can follow Soren Bowie on twitter. Or, you can write him miserable emails at the address he didn't bother removing from this article.

For more of Soren's romantic interludes with celebrities, check out Why Taylor Swift Is the Last True Rock Star and My Sexual Encounter with Ke$ha: A Tale of Horror.