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Pirates XXX II: Pirates LX?

Any regular reader of my posts, or indeed even someone who just started reading them Monday (when I made a classic Maria Bello/Isabella Rossellini blunder that, I can guarantee you, will haunt my dreams), will be well aware of my predilection for the adult entertainment feature extravaganza, Pirates XXX.

Friends—and I call you friends because very soon we will be sharing erections and/or moist labia together—I bear incredible news. NOT ONLY is Pirates XXX to receive a sequel, but a trailer has been released on-line.

But wait! Hold that orgasm! O’Briens, put your weirdly shaped dicks back in your unfashionable pants. This is a teaser trailer, without a scrap of porno in it. No, not even a single pirate booby.

Which is exactly why Pirates XXX is the greatest adult film franchise ever made. And it is a franchise; they’ve got the movie, a soundtrack CD, a novelization in progress (written by yours truly), and the opening of Pirates XXX-World in Orlando is sure to crush Disneyworld come July.

The secret to their success is simple: they know that we’re bored with traditional pornography, where a thin, snake-related plotline leads to immediate fucking. We discerning, jaded, viewers want production value and story!

Sure, there’s some filthy strumpet-pumping and bilge-jamming in there, but it’s all to serve the greater arc about the search for a magical staff or somesuch (to be honest, I’ve never gotten all the way through the film).

Okay, without further gushing (pun unintended, but saucy), let’s examine the trailer and see what we can glean about the next installment.

First, they let us know that this sequel is being handled by none other than Joone, Director of the first Pirates XXX. Thank God they didn’t hand the reigns over to some amateur. We are in good hands (that time the pun was intended).

Next, an amazingly-realized storm at sea, entirely CGI. Of course, to get the full effect you’ll need to view the large, high-definition version of the trailer. But trust me, it looks a whole lot better than the shit in A Perfect Storm, and in this movie when there are a bunch of pussies onscreen, they’re not going to be slowly drowning and whining about missing their children grow up. Downer!

Aaaaah! Skeleton Captain! Seriously though, the subtle symbolism here is staggering. Here is a skeleton, made of bone, which we are about to watch people do, plowing through an upheaving sea with his stiff-prowed ship. I feel really horny at this point. Joone, if you knew what you do to me…

BAM! And we’re out. Like a brilliant stage performer or stingy cocaine dealer, they leave you wanting more, more, more. Kudos Joone. You’ve hooked me. I can already tell this is going to be a powerful, action-packed, story-driven epic that I am intended to watch in five-minute segments during my lunch break.

And notice the restraint! No “cumming soon,” no cgi jizz flashed across the screen (even though you know their effects team could have whipped up some jizz like that). And to take us out? Swords, slicing through the screen no less.

It’s phallic, penetrative, but in a Jungian, collective unconscious sort of way. They let you know that this is going to be a classy production, the kind of porno where you orgasm silently into a velvet napkin, fold it once, and deposit it into a crystal champagne bucket. At least, that’s what I’ll be doing.

And I can only hope you’ll all join me in appreciation of this fine, fine film.

Oh, and speaking of fine sequels featuring people having raucous sex, be sure to tune into the Cracked front page tomorrow for the unveiling of the sequel to Internet Party tentatively titled Internet Party 2: The Inter(net)vention! I assume the Cracked people are hard at work coming up with a less retarded subtitle.


When not blogging for Cracked, Michael desperately hopes that someone gets the joke in the post title as Head Writer and Co-Founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

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