Any regular reader of my posts, or indeed even someone who just started reading them Monday (when I made a classic Maria Bello/Isabella Rossellini blunder that, I can guarantee you, will haunt my dreams), will be well aware of my predilection for the adult entertainment feature extravaganza, Pirates XXX.
Friends—and I call you friends because very soon we will be sharing erections and/or moist labia together—I bear incredible news. NOT ONLY is Pirates XXX to receive a sequel, but a trailer has been released on-line.
But wait! Hold that orgasm! O’Briens, put your weirdly shaped dicks back in your unfashionable pants. This is a teaser trailer, without a scrap of porno in it. No, not even a single pirate booby.
Which is exactly why Pirates XXX is the greatest adult film franchise ever made. And it is a franchise; they’ve got the movie, a soundtrack CD, a novelization in progress (written by yours truly), and the opening of Pirates XXX-World in Orlando is sure to crush Disneyworld come July.
The secret to their success is simple: they know that we’re bored with traditional pornography, where a thin, snake-related plotline leads to immediate fucking. We discerning, jaded, viewers want production value and story!
Sure, there’s some filthy strumpet-pumping and bilge-jamming in there, but it’s all to serve the greater arc about the search for a magical staff or somesuch (to be honest, I’ve never gotten all the way through the film).
Okay, without further gushing (pun unintended, but saucy), let’s examine the trailer and see what we can glean about the next installment.
First, they let us know that this sequel is being handled by none other than Joone, Director of the first Pirates XXX. Thank God they didn’t hand the reigns over to some amateur. We are in good hands (that time the pun was intended).
Next, an amazingly-realized storm at sea, entirely CGI. Of course, to get the full effect you’ll need to view the large, high-definition version of the trailer. But trust me, it looks a whole lot better than the shit in A Perfect Storm, and in this movie when there are a bunch of pussies onscreen, they’re not going to be slowly drowning and whining about missing their children grow up. Downer!
Aaaaah! Skeleton Captain! Seriously though, the subtle symbolism here is staggering. Here is a skeleton, made of bone, which we are about to watch people do, plowing through an upheaving sea with his stiff-prowed ship. I feel really horny at this point. Joone, if you knew what you do to me…
BAM! And we’re out. Like a brilliant stage performer or stingy cocaine dealer, they leave you wanting more, more, more. Kudos Joone. You’ve hooked me. I can already tell this is going to be a powerful, action-packed, story-driven epic that I am intended to watch in five-minute segments during my lunch break.
And notice the restraint! No “cumming soon,” no cgi jizz flashed across the screen (even though you know their effects team could have whipped up some jizz like that). And to take us out? Swords, slicing through the screen no less.
It’s phallic, penetrative, but in a Jungian, collective unconscious sort of way. They let you know that this is going to be a classy production, the kind of porno where you orgasm silently into a velvet napkin, fold it once, and deposit it into a crystal champagne bucket. At least, that’s what I’ll be doing.
And I can only hope you’ll all join me in appreciation of this fine, fine film.
Oh, and speaking of fine sequels featuring people having raucous sex, be sure to tune into the Cracked front page tomorrow for the unveiling of the sequel to Internet Party tentatively titled Internet Party 2: The Inter(net)vention! I assume the Cracked people are hard at work coming up with a less retarded subtitle.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael desperately hopes that someone gets the joke in the post title as Head Writer and Co-Founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
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- The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming - November 7th, 2008
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October 10th, 2008 at 3:14 am
Haha, the first one has GOT to be the worst thing i’ve ever seen… I can only imagine the 2nd one being worse…
September 1st, 2008 at 2:03 pm
house insurance for students…
upland hooded jockey airlifts,chancellor giggled …
July 18th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Nice post!
I also saw many blogs, hot sexy photos and videos on ___PlusMeet.c o m_____, where so many sexy busty beauties, big booty hotties and big manful guys mingle there for fun&romance!
May 24th, 2008 at 2:26 am
My best friend was the steadycam operator for Pirates.
He’s in the special features section =)
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Hey…we’re all ’sad to Earthquake!’
Bwwwaaahahahahahahah!
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:42 pm
I am Chinese people and was sad to earthquake. Thank you Michael Swaim for this site be good to me.
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:09 pm
We’ll call the video: “Butt Pirates of my Anal Cavity!”
May 23rd, 2008 at 12:23 pm
In fact, in addition to getting my allowance this weekend, my Step Dad has promised me a ‘Cleveland Steamer’ whilst I give my Mom the ‘Strawberry Shortcake!’ A good time will be had by all… maybe we’ll post the video again on the ‘net.
Mmmmmm…. man chiz!
May 23rd, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I’d comment more about the ass-raping I take from my Step Dad while Mom is on her back working hard to pay that rent, but it’s almost recess time, and I want to get to the playground before that bell goes off, as I need some mental material to get me through those long, long nights between my Step Dad’s ‘visits!’
May 23rd, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Children and animals are pretty high on my list too! That…and watching my Mom in the shower, or taking on other men to pay the rent. Whilst my jealous step-dad pounds me in the keyster!
May 23rd, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Because I fuck myself regularly, and I recommend it!
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:54 am
neilsnotes can go fuck itself
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:34 am
So Moderator…you take out my comments (for spamming, I gather?), but you leave in ‘BigBlackConnect.com’?! Why…afraid the Big Bro’s are gonna rape your ass if you remove their Spam? Quite the double-standards you’re running on here. Shall I call you God, or Spineless Little Man (or Girl…yeah, girl, that’s it!).
http://www.NeilsNotes.com is a hell of a lot funnier than this crap!
May 23rd, 2008 at 7:52 am
glendoor, you crack me up everytime. Nice.
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:30 am
What about ‘Butt Pirates - Michael Jackson Style’ at:
http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=19&sku=ENGL-CD00284
or:
Michael: The White side of Black:
http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=19&sku=ENGL-CD00295
or:
Funny, Dead, Black, Blind People:
http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=19&sku=ENGL-CD00256
Now THAT’s funny shit!
May 22nd, 2008 at 5:30 pm
I think this is Swaim’s day job and I think he’s pretty damn good at it. This article not his greatest but definitely not his worst.
Most of his really good stuff is at http://www.bigblackconnect.com/, where he writes about what we should do about the plight of the Chinese and their earthquake.
May 22nd, 2008 at 2:34 pm
very lame article. don’t quit your day job, or, judging by your jokes, high school.
May 22nd, 2008 at 11:40 am
I met a black friend on http://www.bigblackconnect.com/, we talked about Chinese Earthquake, he said he was so sorry to hear that, he wanted to help them and adopt several stricken children. Best wishes for Chinese people now.
May 22nd, 2008 at 11:09 am
they have to find some magic crystal or some such or another.
May 22nd, 2008 at 8:07 am
I can’t wait. I vote for Pirates XXXX as the title. Or Pirates XXX Re-loaded.
Yeti, maybe you need to watch it with someone to help you understand the plot?
May 22nd, 2008 at 6:31 am
Booty is a hot topic there and definitely sex, but i just don’t see where you’re getting the pirate angle there Sissy.
May 22nd, 2008 at 3:54 am
I heard that this is a hot topic now at B L A C K W H I T E M E E T .C O M which is a good place for men to meet single cute girls online, both black and white singles..
May 21st, 2008 at 11:57 pm
I’d like to be optimistic, but you know how sequels are. The first movie’s great, but that makes you expect too much from the sequel, because it can’t possibly deliver the same quality as the first. The best ideas are already used, so they can only repeat them or go for something weaker.
So I can’t help but think that this movie is going to be a huge, throbbing let-down.
May 21st, 2008 at 7:49 pm
I am also sad to chinese earthquake.
May 21st, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Funny , but the correct Roman numerals according the title you listed would be “Pirates LXIV
twice that of Pirates XXXII. But other than incorrect use of Roman numerals , what a great article. I look forward to illegally downloading the movie.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:02 pm
To be fair John I’m not quite sure this film has been licensed by Disney….
May 21st, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Geez, the plot synopsis for the movie on Wikipedia doesn’t even mention any dirty love. None! It’s just all this boring crap about maps and secret islands. They’re right, Wikipedia isn’t accurate at all.
May 21st, 2008 at 2:01 pm
This pics aren’t exclusive at all. Stop trying to make the fucking blog sound like another shitty list.
Everyone knows I don’t like the Pirates film anyways. The Hype > what was delivered.
Money can’t by you love…
May 21st, 2008 at 1:42 pm
I sincerely have to agree with the Random Scotsman above. There’s no way I’m drinking from Swaim’s champagne bucket.
Though I will stare at the napkin and cry.
May 21st, 2008 at 1:32 pm
I am a little fairy.
May 21st, 2008 at 1:28 pm
What have I learned from this blog entry?
Don’t drink from the champagne bucket at Swaim’s party.
May 21st, 2008 at 12:01 pm
I’ve seen the movie I-don’t-know-how-many times and I still have no idea what the plot is. There are pirates, booty, sword fights, booty, a latex condom (which I thought was out of place on a pirate ship), and booty. Other than that I haven’t the foggiest what the hell the point of all of it was, except for the booty.
May 21st, 2008 at 11:46 am
As much as I agree with Badit, I still think Pirates XXX is a great movie, combining sex, pirates, explosions and onter manly things into one. Now, if they did it with sci-fi, like “Eldar Bitches” or something…
May 21st, 2008 at 11:34 am
A friend from —-blackgirlsconnect.com—- said he was so sad to Chinese Earthquake, many SiChuan people died of it. A lot of videos and pics are on this site, good for Chinese people.
May 21st, 2008 at 10:53 am
It’s time for me to go to lunch, but I’m stranded at my desk due to my epic boner. Damn you Pirates XXX!!!
May 21st, 2008 at 10:41 am
I meant Swaim, my fingers slipped
May 21st, 2008 at 10:41 am
demolitionist, that is what Sawin does best. Much like Ross posts random youtube videos, and DOB talks about his abs, hates Hannah Montana, and lays down challenges to celebrities
May 21st, 2008 at 10:26 am
LOL!
May 21st, 2008 at 10:10 am
favorite line from the first: “Fu*k that shit, lets get out of here” when they were fighting the skeletons.
Or the Butler guy falling backward into the boat when he saw the skeletons.
May 21st, 2008 at 9:20 am
“…you orgasm silently into a velvet napkin, fold it once, and deposit it into a crystal champagne bucket.”
That made me laugh out loud and shudder at the same time. I love/hate you Swaim. Funny as hell, but that shit will haunt me for the rest of my life.
May 21st, 2008 at 9:13 am
I hope they don’t cut my scene. I am the cable repair man.
May 21st, 2008 at 8:18 am
I hope that they manage to find a role for Kim Kardashian in it. Imagine that Pirate BOOTY. The boat would forever be leaning on whatever side she was on and half the movie would be about Depp trying to walk around her gino-ass. Kim Kardashian’s Booty