Dear FatMan27183141,
Based on your 71 YouTube videos, your YouTube profile name, and your website URL, fat-man.us, I’m starting to get the idea that being fat is your “thing.” I don’t think you need to be ashamed of your size, FatMan27183141, but I’d like to take a moment to talk about this particular video and what it says about you.
I’m not gonna lie - you’re clearly overweight. Your gut is huge, your breathing sounds labored, and you’re probably at risk for all sorts of weird health problems I’ve never even heard of, but let’s face it - your belly hasn’t “come alive” and it doesn’t have any interest in “eating directly.” That’s just your way of saying “I drew a face on my unbelievably fat torso - here’s a video of me shoving potato chips into my own belly button.” That’s entertaining, FatMan27183141, but at the end of the day do you really feel like you’re living up to your full potential?
Chris Farley. Late-career Elvis. The McCrary Twins. These were men that transcended their fat and rose to greatness. Did they deny being fat? No. Did they try to sweep their fat under the rug and pretend it wasn’t there? No. These were men who CELEBRATED their fat, but always to some sort of greater end, and never just for the sake of fat itself.
Chris Farley would put on a tiny, ill-fitting suit, sweat profusely in it and then fling himself through a coffee table. Why? To make America laugh. Late-career Elvis would put on a form-fitting rhinestone-encrusted jumpsuit and sing his heart out. Why? Because people loved to hear him sing. The McCrary Twins? Sure they were fat, but more importantly, they rode side-by-side on tiny matching motorcycles to comedic effect.
Making a YouTube video of yourself being fat and smashing potato chips all over your gut? That’s easy. If Farley, Elvis, or either of the McCrary Twins were alive today they could probably do it, too, but WOULD they? No. Wanna know why? Because they all knew something that you clearly haven’t figured out yet: sometimes just being fat isn’t enough. Next time you make a YouTube video, we’ll be expecting you to either hurl yourself through a coffee table, sing a song about Las Vegas, or ride around on a tiny motorcycle.
The world is watching, FatMan27183141. Get on it.
Sincerely,
Ross Wolinsky
Cracked.com
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
- The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails (And Why Your Mom Loves Them) - November 19th, 2008
- The 5 Biggest News Stories You Missed During Election Season - November 6th, 2008
- "I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn - October 21st, 2008
- 15 (Worthless) Things We Learned from the Town Hall Debate - October 8th, 2008
- Porn, Pizza and Awesome Roller Coasters: Vote Wolinsky In '08 - September 24th, 2008
June 16th, 2008 at 12:37 am
Hey, fat man, are you single? Am also a bigsize beauty. So let’s mingle here at ___ P l u s M e e t . c o m ____, where many big boob women, big booty women and big fat men meet and seek fun&love together.
June 6th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
My mind is a void
Pour kool-aid into it
Smoke and mirrors
Say “no” to beer.
May 3rd, 2008 at 1:04 pm
[...] It’s a bold claim, but let’s face it - your belly hasn’t “come alive” and it doesn’t have any interest in “eating directly.” That’s just your way of saying “I drew a face on my unbelievably fat torso - here’s a video of me shoving potato chips into my own belly button.” That’s entertaining, FatMan27183141, but at the end of the day do you really feel like you’re living up to your full potential? [Agree!] [...]
April 30th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
[...] a blog that clearly loves the fat jokes, I think now is a good time to brace for the worst, and celebrate what we once took [...]
April 29th, 2008 at 7:57 am
Sane or Insane has nothing to do with it. I’m just a total cheapskate when it comes to most purchases. It’s how I manage to afford the occasional $600 flatscreen.
@TillyKGB: “Disregard everything I have said …” Most of us already have. In future, before submitting a post, ask yourself…
“If I said this out loud (a)to my girlfriend/wife, would she laugh or roll her eyes and go back to watching TV or walk out of the room while I’m in mid-sentence? (b)at a party, would people politely smile and come up with an excuse to casually wander off to another room?(c) Would my little sister call me a douchebag and pinch me in that really sensitive spot on the underside of my upper arm?”
Or you could try shorter posts.
April 29th, 2008 at 2:42 am
Disregard everything I have said I suck cock
April 28th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Well first you have to have a bit torrent downloader, Azureus is good, then go to a bit torrent site, Like thepiratebay.com, find the episodes you want to download, download them and that could take a while depending on your connection speed.
Once it’s downloaded you should be able to watch it on your computer, if you have the correct audio and video codecs. If you don’t windows will usually help you find which ones you need, download the codecs you need , install them and now the episode should play.
If you want to convert the episode file to dvd, then you need to find a file converter, there are some good free ones, convert the file to a dvd format then burn it to dvd. If your a sane person, unlike me, the best way to get the episodes is to go to best buy or circuit city and buy them.
April 28th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Where do you download the Dr. Who episodes from? I’m thinking it would make a better Father’s Day present than a mug.
Also I’m an electronics retard. Put the 13 year old to work lugging big-ass TV upstairs. He’s taller than me but has no muscle. Realized that I now have to push all the living room furniture around to make enough room to lay it down and slide it out of the big-ass box sideways because it’s too heavy to lift out. *sigh
Would love to see re-runs of TKITH. Someone should write Comedy Central a strongly worded letter.
April 28th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
The only thing I ever saw worth a shit from Casnadian TV was SCTV and TKTH. As a matter of fact I spent quite some time the other day watching Bob and Doug MacKensie clips on you tube. That shit is still funny.
April 28th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Well, what do you expect, we should watch Casnadian programming? Have you ever watched Casnadian TV? There’s a reason we mooch illegal satellite of Americans. Plus it has the side-effect of softening our brains so we don’t worry as much.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:36 am
@ Haruhi I believe the CBC pays for a lot of Dr. Who also.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:25 am
@The Butcher
How dare you try to compare yourself to me. Bow down and maybe I’ll forgive you…
April 28th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Seeing as Dr Who is an English show it’dbe amazing if it were the other way round.
Also, (insult towards whoever we hate this week)
April 27th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
@ lbh thank you for he link to The Roadshow, I’m not real worried about my bad ass points,
though. Plus last night I realized that Doctor Who is about five episodes ahead in the UK
then we are here so I downloaded a bunch last night.
What amazes me is that I moved a 19″ TV down stairs to where the broken one is and put in on stool in front of the other one. Now I grew up with a 19″ TV pretty much until I was out of highschool. 19″ was pretty much the standard TV size back then. Now my computer
monitor is bigger and that 19″ TV is just fucking tiny, almost to the point of being unwatchable. But there’re worse things in life to bitch about.
April 27th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
（If You Are Easily Offended…..Then do not CLICK HERE!）
Recently, quite a few celebrities and pro athletes were said to appear on the ~~TAllhub.com~~ to hook up with hot girs and models. OMG!!! Are these famous guys fond of internet dating for now?? Maybe they feel boring sometimes to need new things?
April 27th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
@Bacalao: if you’d been keeping track of the comment section for a while then the answer to your question would be : yes…although, in this case it’s apparently kingmonkey+1, and only if he wears the moose suit (don’t ask).
OMFG, glendoor42. That was pretty GD funny, but “Antique Roadshow”? I think you lost some “bad-ass” points with Swaim and Gladstone there. They do archive videos of the appraisals. It’s not the same but I hope this helps …
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/roadshow/index.html
Would this would be a bad time to complain about the 37″ LCD flatscreen I bought it on clearance (not to mention on impluse). It’s been sitting in the first floor hallway for a week, because it’s too big and heavy to get up the stairs by myself ? yeah, I kind of thought so.
April 27th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Not necessarily.
April 27th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
glendoor42: so there’s a “Mrs. Glendoor”? Dudes! That means that a cracked.com reader actually gets some!
April 27th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Hear should be here
April 27th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
THE LAMP IN MY TV HAS BLOWN…..AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH……..AHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHAAAAHHHHHHH….(running around house screaming)aaaahhhhhhaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHH……T…V… NOT….. WORKING…..
AAHAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH……I’LL HAVE TO WAIT TWO DAYS FOR A NEW $150.00 LAMP TO GET HERE…AHAHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH….I’LL MISS ANTIQUE ROADSHOW…AAAAAAAHHHAHHHHAAAAAHHH…..AHHAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHH..FUCK…..
Mrs. Glendoor42 walks in door ” What the HELL is your problem and why is the back of the TV off. Is it broken? Are we going to have to get a new TV? STOP SCREAMING AND ANSWER MY QUESTION YOU FOURTY YEAR OLD RETARD!!!!! You are acting like a two year old again, now what is the problem? Do we need a new TV?”
“New TV uuuuhhh… yeah, new TV and the only problem is they don’t make that size anymore, they only make them uuuhhh…. bigger like 50″,but tuhh there is a 60″ on sale and it will fit where the old one did and uuuhhhh ….why are looking at me like that?….. OK it’s just the fucking bulb and it will be hear Tuesday. But a new TV would be better and really, it would be cheaper in the long run and …..STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT… OK THE NEW BULB WILL BE HEAR TUESDAY AND IT’S CHEAPER THAN A NEW TV.
Goddammit.
April 27th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Jeeez: *proportions
April 27th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Thanks glendoor. Well, I guess “officially” it’s just you and me. I just thought I’d do my part to get Ross’ comment section numbers up to(or close to) the epic purportions previously enjoyed by other blogger’s posts like Swaim’s “Arrested Developement” and D.O’B.’s mabisms. It seemed like a nice thing to do at the time. That’ll teach me. Next time I’ll just tweak Tilly with an insult and let the back-and-forth ensue endlessly.
April 27th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Yeah, this video is good, but his other’s are better. You can view them on fatmanpushescrispsintohisbellybuttonmingle.com, they’re hot on fatmanpushescrispsintohisbellybuttonmingle.com, and you can see more fat men pushing crisps into their belly buttons.
On fatmanpushescrispsintohisbellybuttonmingle.com.
April 27th, 2008 at 9:40 am
Oh, you bastard Fonz. You slimy sleazy bastard! You totally got me with the rickroll…
I guess SHAME on me for wanting to see all of the fat guy!!!!
April 27th, 2008 at 4:49 am
The Butcher wins at the internet.
Oh and as long as I’m up here: you all just lost the game.
April 27th, 2008 at 12:12 am
I’m not sure exactly how everyone starting hating Tilly, but after reading some of these comments I think I’m starting to see why.
April 26th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Shit dude! That fat dude is worthy of a whole psychology course at college! He has a website! Can you believe that? Anyway, he’ll probably win a webby before cracked.com does.
April 26th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Well cause I like you I won’t leave you hanging, I’m here
April 26th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Here!
April 26th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
@The Butcher :”…all 24 readers of Cracked’s blogs.” ???
ROLL CALL!
April 26th, 2008 at 2:21 am
its so cute how everyone thinks theyre cool.
April 25th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
You’re welcome!
April 25th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
“(even the prehistoric world before YouTube, all the way back to the days of the Roman Empire).”
They had YouTube back in the Roman Empire, they watched it at the Coliseum, it was called VouTvbe. Thank you Mr. Brooks
April 25th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Dear random commenter,
You have said something completely unrelated to me that has made me very upset in some way. I am going to spew forth random factoids and rat-shit-sized nuggets of completely useless knowledge at you that will hopefully counteract your logic to a degree that you will soil, beat and hang yourself just by reading my reply comment of awesomeness.
The fact that I am on a humor site that has absolutely no intention of being a mediator of, well, anything, will not sway me from turning the comments section of every blog into a fight-to-the-death scenario involving politics, religion and personal fortitude. I, like the many “Nicks” before me will rage on tirelessly until we have proven our douchebaggery to all 24 readers of Cracked’s blogs.
I will now wrap up my forementioned “reply comment of awesomeness” by telling you that I will not be back to read your ridiculous and undesired reply comment of useless idiocy. Please understand that even though I will be checking this comments section every minute, on the minute, for the remainder of this calendar year, that in no way means that I am even skimming any bit of the douchiness that will surely be spewed forth from your dumbshit fingers of assheadedness.
I look forward to not reading your completely ignored comments within the next three minutes.
Sincerely,
Random Cracked Blog Commenter Determined to Rule the World Through Pissy Statements of Completely Useless Bullshit Intended Only to Irritate Some Other Moron.
April 25th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
furthermore, nibb high football DOES rule, but not as much as O’Doyle.
April 25th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
so like. OMG
tilly was totally like talking trash again and then
i was all like “well, im smarter than you.”
but he was like “yeah im funny”
but hes totally not and junk so i argued with him for nine years.
April 25th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Man that dude was fat.
And Elvis did try to hide his gut, his belts kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger, then he died on the toilet. The End.
April 25th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
No, tilly, I wasn’t taking ownership of the comments section. Homer was meant to represent a combination of me, about a billion other commenters, and the people who write the blog you’re posting on. And no one’s stopping you from looking at this website(shopping in the mall), but when you leave a comment you have to realise that the only people who’re going to read it are people who hate you and everything you stand for. So why bother?
And no, I don’t think these people are my friends. The only person I’ve ever addressed directly here is you, and I don’t consider you my friend. In fact, I don’t even like you that much
April 25th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU
April 25th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Here’s the fat man’s body:
April 25th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
speaking of the fat man: can anyone link me to his full body pic?
April 25th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Dude, it wasn’t an insult. It was a reference to the fact that 50,000,000 Elvis fans can’t be wrong. Again, I’m not arguing with any of you or anyone else in this damn blog. Yall are so sensitive, I tell ya.
April 25th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
I don’t grasp how thats an insult… In fact, that makes no sense in any way shape or form, wait.. i know whats happening, your trying to make so little sense that it causes our brains to go H.A.L. all over ourselves.. Ok, i am with Kingmonkey+1, this is totally pointless. So, anyone wanna talk about the fat guy with the face on his giant mound of never getting laid?
April 25th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Robb, I suggest the name “50,000 Elvis Fans.” Then, at least, you know you’d be right!
April 25th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
If Onodera gets to be the one, do i at least get to be the man with a cat named The Lord?
Oh, oh we should all change our names to Legion, to realllllly freak TillyKGB out.
April 25th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
MMcK: I like how you’ve taken ownership of this comment section and this website as a whole. I think it would be more comparable if the nerd was going into the mall and Homer said “You can’t come in here because I don’t like what you’re going to buy!” even though he had no ownership or authority to do so. Also, are you insinuating that these internet people are your friends?
Sorry Kingmonkey, I know, I know. I’ll try harder.
April 25th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
I realise I’m late, but I have to point out that you got the simpsons wrong tilly. You don’t see the nerds reaction when Homer yells at him, the joke comes when a football player guy walks bby and Homer says “hey, did you get a load of the nerd?”
And the only way the situation would be comparable is if the nerd moved in with Homer uninvited and refused to leave. And whenever anybody interrupted his desperate attempts to be their friend he said “I don’t care what you think, I’m ignoring you….. Wanna play risk?”
April 25th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
I did. Sorry, I’ll try harder.
April 25th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Guys, knock it off, would ya?
April 25th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Why would I stop?
April 25th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Sure you are Tilly, you’ll always respond.
I keep poking you with a stick, and you keep responding.
So when did you stop beating your wife?
April 25th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
I would like to point something out: I told JT I wasn’t going to argue with him. He made a comment about that. Then, he told me he would make fun of his comment for me (maybe because I wasn’t going to anyway?) Then he finished by telling me that I knew what he meant (even though I wasn’t confused about what he meant in his post.) Then, he insulted me in order to continue the argument that he is now apparently having with, wait for it, imaginary me?
Dude, seriously, I’m not arguing with you. If you need to flex the e-peen, find a new friend to do it with.
Also, Nibb High football rules!
April 25th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Wow. I just read what I wrote.. I must be high or something, cause it makes no fucking sense to me. Jesus….
No need to make fun of it Tilly, I will do it for you ..
You know what I meant, asshat.
April 25th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
I am everybody, yet, I am nobody; I am one with the univers.
April 25th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Actually you told MMck. But in your crazy little world, everyone on this blog except you is one person.
April 25th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Hey JT: I said it before but I guess it takes a couple times for you to catch on: I have no intention of comparing e-dick sizes with you today. I commented on the video in my own way. If you want to make this comment section about me for the second day in a row, do what ya like. However, I’ll have to assume you have some weird masicistic homoerotic fantasy… And I’m just not down with being a part of that.
April 25th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
The Fatman has an all day chat room? What could they possibly be chatting about all day? How fat he is? It hardly seems… I don’t know, productive? Luckily, I have marginally more self-control than Michaelius Swaiminus so I won’t be logging in to find out.
April 25th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Tilly:Hmm, that was strange. What I said was:
(Insert snappy retort here)
And even more strange, they both had the same effect. Useless.
April 25th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Duly noted. I suppose I also shouldn’t have commented on that video of the hispanic midget tranny then, eh?
April 25th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
You know, this reminds me of a time in Africa where i feel into a Negro Princesses nether regions, and almost died… That mans belly button may actually be the male version of such a death hole, no gerbil is coming out of that alive…
Oh, and Tilly, don’t comment on a blog, when it contains a video that you masturbate to in a furious and unrelenting manner. Its rude, why do you think i don’t comment on the videos that contain goats? or Kingmonkey+1 doesn’t comment on videos that contain Asian poodle dancing, or Glendoor42 doesn’t post on videos containing Gladstones wife? see this? Its a pattern, have some decency man.
April 25th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Hmm, that was strange. What I said was:
(Insert snappy retort here)
April 25th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
April 25th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Jesus, I went to his youtube page, which led me to his website, which led me to his all-day chat room…this rabbit hole goes deeper than I’d like it to. Ross, you’ve set me on a journey that I will forever resent you for.
April 25th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
tilly, if you are just going to ramble you should GTFO. you + fatman video is too much pathetic in one spot
April 25th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Did you ever see that episode of the Simpsons where Homer goes back to college? At one point he steps out of his car and points to a student and berates him for being a “nerd.” The student shrugs and seems generally uninterested. That was a good episode…
I think there should be a follow up video of him washing grease and ink off his belly while sobbing silently because people’s reactions are “disturbing” and not “hilarious!” Actually, that wouldn’t be funny at all…
April 25th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Tilly is back, yeah !
Everyone dawn your anti-retard suits and get ready for the ride.
April 25th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Those arent Muskets, Swaim.. They are people. A group of people who do comedy.
(you see what I did there?)
April 25th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
The members of Muskets agree that we want to see footage of him cleaning up the crumbs.
April 25th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Either that, or I don’t give a flying fuck about you.
Seriously though, I’m not arguing with you today, so say what ya like.
April 25th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Hey, I know you Tilly! You’re that guy everyone hates! Seriously, it’s only been like 7 hours since the last post you turned into a poo flinging free for all. What are you, a glutton for punishment?
April 25th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
What fat guy? All I saw was a train wreck…
April 25th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Sometimes I wonder.
I think to myself, “Self? What makes a person do what they do? Why do many people crave attention so much that they are willing to do whatever it takes to have people watch them? When did we forget the difference between ‘good attention’ and ‘bad attention’? When did we, as a people, lose our sense of humor? Do people really think that every stupid idea is worth disseminating on the masses?”
Usually I answer, “I don’t know. Lack of self esteem perhaps; who can really say? Sometime around the mid-80s I think, but I haven’t really been tracking it. The question you should be asking is when did we lose our personal filter. Yes, most people really do think that; this is because most people are unable to identify their own quirks and have trouble comprehending that not every ‘like’ they have is shared by others. Also, there are things that can be done, but still shouldn’t be.”
Sometimes I wonder…
April 25th, 2008 at 11:58 am
What a Fatty Fat Fatterson!
April 25th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Phat
April 25th, 2008 at 11:38 am
That ruined my appetite right there…
April 25th, 2008 at 11:26 am
What are you smoking, RoWo? This is the funniest thing I have ever seen! This may in fact be the funniest video in the history of the world (even the prehistoric world before Youtube, all the way back to the days of the Roman Empire). Yes, I daresay comedy has achieved it’s apex, it’s pinnacle, it’s zenith, it’s synonym. Nothing will ever be funny again compared to this guy smushing chips into his belly button.
I may never laugh again.