Woman Sets Fire to Ex-Husband's Penis, blared one headline. And seriously, what could be worse than that?
I'll tell you what: British dwarf's penis gets stuck to hoover.
To quote that second article:
A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.
Frankly, I think "horribly" is redundant and unnecessary in that sentence. Is there any kind of "awry" that an act can go involving a penis stuck to a vacuum cleaner that comes up anything short of "horrible?" Answer: NO.
Unfortunately, as our friends at Fark might say, these two headlines do put the Painful Penis News Trifecta in play. I, for one, am putting on a cup.