I can’t tell you how often I get into a heated argument with someone about the economics of Pedophilia. Although I can tell you how many establishments those arguments have caused me to be banned from: six. Seven if you count museums as establishments. But can you blame me? It’s a woefully underreported area, and one that craves an answer.
Enter Michael Jackson, grabbing his crotch. And by “his” I mean Macaulay Culkin’s.
Following a series of financially draining legal battles and career hits, the perennial post-op has put his famed Neverland Ranch up for auction. You know, that place with the amusement park rides and cotton candy, just like a ranch. Perhaps the lucky buyer will bring some cattle in and legitimize the joint, who knows? All we know for sure is that things have been looking down for MJ ever since newspapers started running headlines like “Wacko Jacko Fondles Sacko.” Pedophilia, one could infer, is a financial killer.
But how mistaken you’d be, my shortsighted friend! For in the right circumstances, can it not also be a money-making proposition? Take the inspiring story of Louis Conradt, the late former prosecutor who is best known for his guest appearance on NBC’s To Catch a Predator. After he shot himself in shame and humiliation, his family sued NBC for 100 million dollars in damages. And it’s starting to look like they might just get it.
So, let’s recap. Pedophilia = financial ruin. But, pedophilia + suicide = big bucks! The question becomes: is suicide the only variable one can combine with child molestation to create financial opportunities? Perhaps adding a public apology or religious conversion into the mix would generate some capitol. Maybe adding a murder would push the whole thing back around to positive. What about molesting an old person to cancel out the pedophilia?
It’s clearly a complex issue, and one that I trust is currently being pondered by the finest minds in modern Pedonomics.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael entraps child molesters as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
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June 6th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
I have viewed many sexy and hot videos and photos at a celebrities singles dating club———- Mixedmingle.com——— where many fans and stars can chat together. And there are many black and white singles who are seeking for ideal match seriously there.
March 4th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Is it possible that Louis Conradt, rather than kill himself, just started making movies and blogging under an assumed name?
March 3rd, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Funny, I would have said Jimmy Carr…
March 3rd, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Eww…it DOES look like Swaim, but not necessarily a wig…perhaps more of a spray-on grey
March 3rd, 2008 at 12:39 pm
http://static.rateyourmusic.com/images/one?id=453462&size=f
Here’s the side by side comparison mellowship suggested.
March 3rd, 2008 at 8:27 am
Hey Ranger, how about a NSFW label for those of us at work. Thanks to you, now I know my boss is listed on AdultFriendFinder. That’s gonna leave an emotional scar.
March 2nd, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Love Micheal or hate him…check this out (LOL!):
http://neilsnotes.com/?catid=38
Pass it around.
March 2nd, 2008 at 2:08 pm
I agree with kingmonkey. I just don’t know what Michael Jackson is anymore. A government experiment gone horribly wrong, perhaps? I’m leaning more towards the secret identity of Hannah Montana, but still.
I’m pretty sure the story about the suicidal pedo was already covered by South Park.
March 2nd, 2008 at 3:11 am
To Jonathon: Feet are wonderful. They take you places.
March 2nd, 2008 at 2:56 am
It’s a sad day when Michael Jackson looked more human when he was wearing zombie make-up in the Thriller video.
March 1st, 2008 at 10:13 pm
After quick glance at that photo (not the mj one, the other one) I though it was michael swaim with a wig on. try it.
March 1st, 2008 at 9:37 pm
What’s the big deal about being attracted to feet?
March 1st, 2008 at 7:16 pm
he’s a thrillah-dillah with a tricky little catta-pilla
March 1st, 2008 at 1:52 am
The dateline pedophile sting once actually caught the same guy twice on two separate shows.
February 29th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
lol…everyone needs a voice…besides, look at the way she dresses, she’s totally asking for it
February 29th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
I agree, but that doesn’t mean Chris Hanson isn’t a douche. It’s just tough to attack him because then by some twisted logic you feel like you’re aligning yourself with pedophiles.
JACKSON.
February 29th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
To quote Dirty Harry;
Harry Callahan: Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard. That’s my policy.
The Mayor: Intent? How did you establish that?
Harry Callahan: When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher’s knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn’t out collecting for the Red Cross!
[walks out of the room with a slight smirk]
The Mayor: I think he’s got a point.
If some loser scummy 40 year old shithead shows up with beer and drugs at what he thought was a 14 year old girls house they deserve what they get.
February 29th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Over litigiousness? Man, I hope to goodness that NBC loses this case. They deserve it. Yeah, they’re outing sicko’s (though maybe some are actually mentally ill), but am I the only one who feels really weird and wrong watching that show convict these guys before any trial and ruin their entire lives forever? Just fucked up television for overly maternal vigilante soccer mom types
February 29th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
The real problem with MJ is that we just don’t commit insane people as often as we used to.
February 29th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Also, the beard really diminishes the alien look glendoor42 pointed out. As we all know, aliens *don’t* have facial hair. But they do love underage boys. “Allegedly.”
February 29th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
MJ should definitely lose the beard. He spent so much time and effort making himself look more feminine, the sad attempt at manliness now just seems like he’s given up. Winners never quit, Michael Jackson.
February 29th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
I urge Michael Jackson to read this article. Perhaps he will finally see that, for him, suicide would be the best career move.
February 29th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Well if you have more questions, you can always refer to the Pedological School for the Educated Pervet.
February 29th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Hey now…. the man made “Thriller”….that’s all that needs to be said on MJ’s behalf
Also, how does Gladstone feel about the Beatles catalog (actually, it is currently 50%, I think) being in Michael “I love the children (not physically, wink wink)” Jackson’s possession ?
Also, a GREAT way to beat pedophilia charges: you have to have act legitimately insane at ALL public events and have a doctor (I nominate Prof. THE Guy) say something like, “his mental age is close to ten years old, so he doesn’t KNOW he’s doing anything wrong,” because if there’s one thing we know, American’s (I’m not sure about properly educated people in the U.K., however) are easily confused by numbers, and they’ll think that a ten-year-old boy touching a nine-year-old girl is somehow better than a 33 year-old doing the same thing. Charges? Dropped. You? Doing the same thing you always do. Pervert.
February 29th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Yeah, without the hair he looks perfectly normal. A perfectly normal pedophile.
February 29th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Michael Jackson needs to lose the facial hair; it’s making him look odd and creepy.
February 29th, 2008 at 11:46 am
OOOHHH!
Also, Michael, are you secrely becoming Gladstone?
You know, pedofelia and child murders as opposed to racism?
February 29th, 2008 at 11:34 am
That would explain the rich history of anally probing abductees.
February 29th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Michael Jackson almost looks like a grey alien in that picture.
February 29th, 2008 at 10:07 am
We have ridiculous libel laws in the UK, there is a good chance that the priest might win.
February 29th, 2008 at 9:38 am
I think it’s actually Pedanetics, that book by L.Ron Hubbard.
February 29th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Isn’t Pedonomics Stephen D Levitt’s sequel to his best selling book Freakonomics. Also that image of Michael Jackson always makes me want drown a bunch of kittens. Thanks Swaim!
February 29th, 2008 at 8:25 am
This reminds me of a story in the UK news not too long ago, about a priest who had sex with two teenage girls (although not at the same time, I think). He got both of them pregnant, and even paid half of the abortion cost for one of them. The newspapers reported this shocking story, and now he’s suing them for defamation of character.
I hope to fuck he doesn’t win. Then I’d know that it’s spread from the USA to the UK.
Over-litigiousness: seek medical help.