Pedophilia: Get-Rich-Quick Scheme or Money Pit?

I can't tell you how often I get into a heated argument with someone about the economics of Pedophilia. Although I can tell you how many establishments those arguments have caused me to be banned from: six. Seven if you count museums as establishments. But can you blame me? It's a woefully underreported area, and one that craves an answer.

Enter Michael Jackson, grabbing his crotch. And by "his" I mean Macaulay Culkin's.

Following a series of financially draining legal battles and career hits, the perennial post-op has put his famed Neverland Ranch up for auction. You know, that place with the amusement park rides and cotton candy, just like a ranch. Perhaps the lucky buyer will bring some cattle in and legitimize the joint, who knows? All we know for sure is that things have been looking down for MJ ever since newspapers started running headlines like Wacko Jacko Fondles Sacko. Pedophilia, one could infer, is a financial killer.

But how mistaken you'd be, my shortsighted friend! For in the right circumstances, can it not also be a money-making proposition? Take the inspiring story of Louis Conradt, the late former prosecutor who is best known for his guest appearance on NBC's To Catch a Predator. After he shot himself in shame and humiliation, his family sued NBC for 100 million dollars in damages. And it's starting to look like they might just get it.

So, let's recap. Pedophilia = financial ruin. But, pedophilia + suicide = big bucks! The question becomes: is suicide the only variable one can combine with child molestation to create financial opportunities? Perhaps adding a public apology or religious conversion into the mix would generate some capitol. Maybe adding a murder would push the whole thing back around to positive. What about molesting an old person to cancel out the pedophilia?

It's clearly a complex issue, and one that I trust is currently being pondered by the finest minds in modern Pedonomics.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael entraps child molesters as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!