Pamela Anderson, Rick Salomon and Paris Hilton Require Your Undivided Attention

Imagine for a moment that you’re Rick Salomon. What does that mean? It means that you grew up rich among the upper echelon of Hollywood’s elite, but your crowning achievement is changing camera angles while receiving a blowjob from Paris Hilton… without interrupting the blowjob. That’s actually nothing to sneeze at, come to think of it. I can’t think of anything that Paris has ever done that can trump it, except maybe surviving this David Letterman appearance without killing herself in front of a live studio audience.

So if you’re Rick Salomon, and the entire world has already seen you railing Paris Hilton, where do you go from there? Apparently, you go get a marriage license with Pamela Anderson. Then you tell Tommy Lee that he did a bad job of fucking your bride-to-be in their sex tape. Then you’re in the news again for a few seconds and your name will be fresh in our minds when your sex tape accidentally “leaks” in a few months. Sly fox, that Rick Salomon!

Here’s what you have to look forward to when that Anderson/Salomon sex tape inevitably surfaces:

• Classy camera angles like “shaky handheld” and “boring tripod”

• Exotic locales like “on a bed” and “in the bathroom next to the shitter”

• A really clever title like “One Night In Pamela”

• Director’s commentary, bonus grunt track

OK! Magazine is now (quite responsibly) reporting the reason Pam’s rushing off to the altar: SHE’S PREGNANT! How do they know? An anonymous tipoff provided all the evidence they needed, apparently:

“She definitely looks like she’s got a bit of a bump,” one source tells OK!.

Good enough for me! Pamela Anderson is definitely pregnant with Rick Salomon’s baby!

To be honest, it sounds like they might be jumping the gun a little. Those two are way more likely to spawn some sort of terrifying new STD than a baby. Come to think of it, someone should probably forward this story to the World Health Organization. If anyone needs me I’ll be at the free clinic.

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