Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon have shown us that whenever there's a ridiculous war in the future, a brave hero from Earth's present travels there to win it. I thought that I could apply this scientific process to help win a ridiculous war raging today: The War on Christmas.
As I do ever year, let me start by saying, you're welcome. You have no doubt received my final edits on your own Christmas letters in the mail by this point. I will say that on the whole, I found them as endearing as they were littered with cliches and errors.
On Halloween, G.O.D.E.K. doesn't give out candy-- he gives children tips on keeping their marriage spontaneous with heart balloons and back massage coupons. And speaking of children, the following four books were printed on their flattened and dried remains: