Dear readers, in my eternal quest to find the freshest, most intriguing, least important minutiae about which to blog, it sometimes happens that there is a moment of kismet, of destiny, of utter serendipity. At these moments, it is as if the Comedy Gods have reached down from the heavens and deposited a fully formed piece directly in front of me.

I give you, without alteration or exaggeration, four headlines that appeared in my Google news search this morning. I’ve linked the articles themselves, but trust me; they’re not nearly as hilarious as the headlines.

Angelina Jolie Loves Eating Bacon and Sausages

Christina Aguilera Digs Chicks

Britney Spears Loves Public Restrooms

Hillary Duff Likes Vaseline on her Face

Amen.

ADDENDUM: Turns out Hillary Duff loves Vaseline so much she’s agreed to become their new spokesperson. It’s a perfect fit, really; whenever I think of Hillary Duff, my first reaction is always to go straight for the Vaseline.

SECOND ADDENDUM: Yes, I masturbate with Vaseline. No, I don’t recommend it.

Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim

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