Judge Scott Gordon has ruled that Britney Spears must undergo random drug and alcohol tests to see if she’s fit to be a mother. If her last, glassy-eyed, painful-to-watch performance is any indication, there’s more than a good chance that she will fail those tests, leaving her two children in the sole custody of ex-husband Kevin Federline.
To be honest, I’m psyched because I really feel like I’m finally a part of a pop star’s meltdown. I was born in the late eighties, so I really only caught the tail end of Michael Jackson’s Mutant Train to Sodomy Town, and I wasn’t really old enough for him to be a relevant figure when I was growing up. His transformation didn’t really register with me because the only Jackson I knew was Crazy Jackson.
But Britney? Man, I remember when she was the cock of the god damn walk. I was never a fan, but growing up I certainly understood that she was a Pop Star. She was a super huge deal.
I loved watching her go from Untouchable Superstar to Sinead O’VaginaOnDisplay in record time. Maybe it’s a generational thing, I don’t know. Some people watched Elvis go from super-sexy to fat-sexy and eventually to dead-on-a-toilet-sexy. Some people saw the slow transition from a black superstar to a white pedarest. Me, I got to watch the innocent school girl shave her head and transform into the Weekly World News’s Bat Child. When I watched her bounce around on stage at the VMA’s, like a big hunk of ham in black underwear, I thought “This has got to be the low point.” But now a judge is making her take a drug test to find out if she’s as responsible as Kevin Federline. To really drive this point home, I’d like to close things out by quoting Federline’s “America’s Most Hated” off of 2006’s Playing With Fire:
So I duck and roll
Middle fingers still up sayin’ fuck the globe
And my dawgs still down
We dont trust them hoes
I live life like a King
I was extra stoned
Kevin Federline
Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien
- This is Why You Don't Steal from Cracked - November 21st, 2008
- On Inauguration Day White People Can Finally Be Cool - November 14th, 2008
- Will You Marry Me, Kristen Wiig? - November 7th, 2008
- "WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!": How to REALLY Talk to Cops - October 31st, 2008
- Leaked Excerpts from 15 Year-Old Miley Cyrus's "Memoir" - October 24th, 2008
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:37 pm
hay i like to sing but the website says pee in it not cool pee your pants my song come along come along dance with me see it i do soooo! litsen cloos just to me so come along come along oooooh yay come along send to hannah montana
June 15th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
http://aa69-ru.blogspot.com/
May 26th, 2008 at 12:09 am
Why is it that every hot chick has a fat friend? I mean, why does god have to make life so tough for wing men? Click here for a funny take on “the fat friend.”
May 3rd, 2008 at 9:46 pm
This is an appalling lack of comments for a DOB article. Like the scholar above me said, “140420088-3.” 140420088-3 indeed.
April 13th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Good sitess3 140420088-3
March 17th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Useful site. Thank you!!
http://withdrawals.wi.funpic.de/order-avapro.html order avapro
March 10th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Useful site. Thanks!
http://buyadderall.freeforums4u.com/ aderall
March 10th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Nice site. Thanks!!!
http://buyadderall.freeforums4u.com/ adderall side effects
March 10th, 2008 at 2:18 am
Cool site. Thank you!!!
http://butramadol.proboards88.com/ tramadol for dogs
March 10th, 2008 at 1:53 am
Cool site. Thanks!!
http://butramadol.proboards88.com/ tramadol online
March 9th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Cool site. Thank you:-)
http://blog.lug.am/buliunli/valium/ cheap valium no prescription
March 9th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Cool site. Thank you!!
http://scoutblog.net/codeinesyp/ codeine
March 9th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Nice site. Thanks!!!
http://purchasevalium.blog-br.com/ no prescription valium
March 9th, 2008 at 1:40 am
Cool site. Thank you.
http://buyonlinepres.bu.funpic.de/adipex-online-consultation.html adipex online
March 8th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Cool site. Thanks!!!
http://atlaxyco.forumvila.com/ buy oxycontin online
March 8th, 2008 at 10:36 am
iqnuhkayw evbczous hroajx drwsbo xsdg lnfermzh xjumft http://www.qtnvwipc.tfndrjqu.com
March 8th, 2008 at 10:35 am
oeakiwf csthkwj iomklqnjf cnjaohiwq ozka sxkp xhgiouw
February 23rd, 2008 at 9:39 am
Villa Rentals on South Carolina's Hilton Head Island…
Hilton Head Island is a vacation destination for over two million people each year. While the beaches and facilities are still not crowded on this large island, vacationers value their time, and want a truly restful experience….
December 3rd, 2007 at 3:26 pm
i have to pee too =]: