Spears, or B. Spiddy as I affectionately call her, is either the most brilliant self-publicist ever or the most ridiculous buffoon our sad culture can produce. This week she’s in the spotlight for doing what so many pulled-over motorists have dreamed about for years: running over the feet of a police officer. This wouldn’t make her any more extraordinary than most women drivers (ba-zing!) if not for the fact that she already did this less than three weeks ago. Here’s a video of Britney running over the foot of a TMZ photographer in mid-October:

Admittedly, a TMZ photographer is number three on my list of people who I’d like to see publicly maimed (numbers one and two being Hitler and Joey Fatone), but that makes it no less hilarious that Spears can’t make her way through a simple, swarming crowd of rabid press representatives without crushing someone’s feet. I know if I were losing my kids and having every moment of my life scrutinized, I’d do my best to keep from adding misdemeanor charges to the list.

Or, alternately, perhaps Spears is doing this all on purpose, in a bold attempt to divert attention away from the more personal facets of her harrowing life. If so, may I suggest some of the following diversionary tactics?

In other interesting/unbearably sad news, the TMZ guy who got his foot run over sold his sock on ebay for upwards of five hundred clams. This has inspired me to sell some of the items I’ve got laying around the house. Feel free to email me if you or someone you know is willing to pay me hundreds of dollars for any of the following:

That’s right, two pithy lists in one blog entry! The CRACKED Blog: your one-stop shop for comedy in bulk.

Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim

• How I Spent My Summer Vacation, By Michael Swaim (Age 24) - August 9th, 2009
• The Funniest Comedic Failure in the History of YouTube - May 27th, 2009
• Hollywood Gives Up: Keanu Reeves to Play Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde - May 23rd, 2009
• The Six Flags Mascot: Like Being Kicked in the Eyes By AIDS - May 14th, 2009
• The 5 Most Likely Ways Humans Will Become Obsolete - May 4th, 2009