ONS stands for Official Nintendo Seal, the esteemed honor that Nintendo bestows its retail products. This is of course slightly downgraded from the previous honor, the Official Nintendo Seal of Quality. The new version is a refreshing, almost stupid disclosure of the product’s lack of quality. It’s like telling consumers, “If we felt right about describing this as good, we would.”
The Official Nintendo Seal, because “Look, guy. I’m going through a real messy divorce, and every morning I come to work to this huge pile of kids games. I don’t really have time to try them all out. Maybe my wife’s new teenage boyfriend does,” doesn’t fit on a sticker.
Classic gamers know that even back when its games legally had quality, a lot of suck got through Nintendo’s quality filters. Now, with all oversights on suck lifted, may God help your Nintendo. Bad video games are stealing money from the stupid faster than Amazing Sea Monkeys and magic candy bar salesmen combined. The actual numbers would astonish you, so instead here are two others: 12, seventy-umpleen*.
* Novelty economic figures.
In this installment of the ONS awards, I’m focusing entirely on the Nintendo DS. In a recent television campaign, glamorous celebrities are depicted enjoying quirky, fun games. Sexy Beyoncé giggling at Rhythm Heaven? When is the media going to show an accurate representation of the Nintendo DS? Where are the “normal” women with bad skin, healthy hips and gills struggling through a game based on the monster truck, Bigfoot, with their cloven pig hands? Take back the night!
In the ONS Awards, each game will receive one to five Official Nintendo Seals in the categories of Graphics, Fun and Challenge. Many of these games were reverse engineered from market research based on how many copies they would sell to people who don’t give a fuck if they’re good or not, so the Graphics, Fun and Challenge will all be of poor quality. But remember, the Official Nintendo Seal never said anything about quality. So a high number of Official Nintendo Seals only means MORE not-quality. If you need an example, picture you’re in a sack race. The sun in shining, the air is filled with laughter, and you score one ONS for winning the sack race, or five ONS’s if you stay in one place and masturbate into your bag.
Writers often say that there are no bad ideas during brainstorming. Grey’s Anatomy likes to extend that policy through the entire writing process until the actors are actually performing a scene about a doctor fucking a ghost or giving someone a feces transplant. Those, by the way, are real plot points. Women turn into lesbians, doctors were lizard doctors the whole time… you know, this could be a really good game!
Graphics: 
Like the show, the game centers around boning people in a hospital. The dreamy men and nutbar slut-women are CGI’ed as realistically as possible which might have been a mistake. It ends up creepy. It feels like you wandered onto a crime scene where a talented but insane man made a lifesize Grey’s Anatomy cast out of mannequins to watch him kill teen runaways. Hold on, let me try to sum this all up in case the re-release, Grey’s Anatomy: Platinum Edition, wants a box quote: “Sexy… You’ll feel like you’re interacting with a murderer’s mannequins!”
Fun: 
All I needed was 30 seconds to realize this was the Game of the Year. My, no bullshit, first challenge was to coerce Patrick Dempsey into sex. It gave me a choice between “Play Hard to Get” and “Be Flirtatious.” So I picked “Be Flirtatious,” put together a three-piece puzzle of Ellen Pompeo using my knowledge of where chins and eyes go on human faces, and did it.
My next goal in the game is to trace a circle to get Meredith to kiss Patrick Dempsey. I’m good at video games, so I do. Long and hard. And now Patrick Dempsey is giving me some speech about starting a relationship with me. He can’t keep chasing me like this! What is this I’m feeling? Oooh, my inner woman is so going to town on herself. God, just look at me! I feel like a celebrity judge at a Phil Collins dicks-in-the-mouth world record attempt!
Challenge: 
I have a new pity if not respect for women and the depressing materials they’re given to jerk off with.
I wouldn’t be so insulting as to say that curling is the worst sport ever invented, but a gold medal in this event is so meaningless that if you send one in to Cash4Gold, they return it with a rejection letter. You play curling by shoving a stone down the ice while two people with brooms sweep in front of it. This video game simulation is painstakingly faithful to the proud tradition of cur- where am I? I fell asleep typing.
Graphics:
With these competent graphics, you can certainly tell you’re curling. But given the nature of curling, that’s like giving perfect eyesight to someone watching themselves starve to death over the course of many lifetimes. Bad graphics would have been more humane in this case.
Fun:
Surprise: this isn’t fun. But it’s a sport known for the sheer spectacle of its boring pointlessness, so what did we expect? It would be… impossible… to make it fun, right? Well, let me tell you another story about the impossible. One day a group of yogurt executives decided to market a yogurt that makes you shit. Poop yogurt, for your generation. These yogurt men called themselves Yo-Plus and they needed a graphic designer that could draw a logo that visually said both “taking a shit” and “delicious.”
You might as well design a logo that travels back in time to invent leprechauns and buy stock in George Foreman Grills. It’s a task that’s fucking impossible flying on a luck dragon. People don’t want to hear about poop while they eat creamy, lumpy dairy food! But that genius graphic designer somehow did it. He or she drew some bubbles churning in a naked woman’s belly that said bowel loosening and fruit flavor all at the same time, and in a world where that can be achieved, some dickhead should have been able to program at least one fleeting moment of fun into a game about curling.
Challenge: 
There are some who appreciate the challenge of curling. They are broomed people who throw themselves into the delicate war that rages between low friction and shoves! Are you one? Well, these unique winter sports fans all have one thing in common: they were born to a mother who competed in mercury eating contests during her first through fourth trimesters. So please consult with your local genetic research lab before attempting this game or any other wildly retarded activity.
For many years, it was my job to review terrible games. Which means that I am one of the few people alive with the experience necessary to observe this: This derivative game brings nothing new to the taking-care-of-puppies genre.
Graphics:
Like the game itself, the graphics in Dreamer: Puppy Trainer seem to have been a long and painful undertaking. You play a girl working in a kennel, and every tiny detail of her horrible work day is forced upon the player. You watch your avatar slowly fall apart as she paints fences, brushes dogs, orders shampoo… and some poor asshole had to draw it all. You can feel, taste the misery. The artist somehow took all the soul crushing sadness of his own life and put it into a game about cute puppies, which is an artistic triumph any way you look at it.
Fun:
I have to be honest, the idea of taking care of a puppy on a Nintendo is both kinds of gay. But at least in most puppy games it’s YOUR puppy. You can feel whatever love or attachment your own sense of patheticalness will allow. In Dreamer: Puppy Trainer, you don’t even get that. You’re hosing down some rich bitch’s puppy, rubbing it for hours with your stylus, and when you leave to finish your mopping, you’ll never see it again. How long will it be before you forget its face? Does it think of you? They should call this Dreamer: Shitty March Toward Death.
Challenge:
I took this game out to make sure it wasn’t some kind of prank, and in the time it took to inspect it for the Official Nintendo Seal, my DS had managed to lodge five sleeping pills in its cartridge port. I think it’s trying to kill itself.
Not being a big tennis fan, I think Rafa Nadal is the blue Jedi with tentacles on his head. This means I’m very disappointed with the totally ordinary nature of this human-on-human tennis video game.
Graphics:
The graphics started as 3D renderings, then got optimized to fit on a 1980s calculator. Then they were shrunk down and asked to move around and play tennis. It looks like an archaeologist unearthed a cache of sarcastically bad wood carvings from an ancient latrine. It’s possible that this game is a historical preservation of caveman art centered around a tennis theme.
Fun:
Aside from Rafa himself, there are no real tennis players in the game. Maybe as a joke, they invented a few. Fanny Howker, Ivana Zaichenko, all your favorite made up names are there! As for how it plays… trying to control Rafa or any of the money-saving imaginary athletes is frustrating at best. You play through a complicated series of drags and pokes of the stylus. For example, in order to get tennis star, Horsehop Pantso, to return a serve: run by sliding the stylus, re-angle it to select the power of the return shot, tap quickly to apply spin, then spell your favorite color in Esperanto.
The control scheme is ambitious and, as you can imagine, a massive failure by all the apathetic and incompetent people involved. So you’re left with something that probably wouldn’t have worked anyway, failing in every direction at once. It’s like trying to play tennis via a French interpreter and Robocop. Your opponent serves the ball! You quickly tell the interpreter to return the serve. He puts this into a tube and messengers it over to Robocop. Robocop swoops his head around as he reads the foreign writing and says, “Translating orders from French… Orders Received! Robocop engaging tennis ball!” Too late, Robocop and Interpreter… we’re down 14 billion to love, which is tennis for zero.
Challenge: Unreviewed
Sorry, I took a short time away from this article to work on the Act 2 of my Robocop and Interpreter pilot. But it’s hard to come up with any believable conflict, since the only thing that can beat them is tennis, and Robocop killed that in Act 1. Maybe you can help. Send in your ideas for Robocop and Interpreter today!
Great, another bad game adaptation of a classic Hollywood film. I just hope they’re faithful to the scene where they have to put Hannah Montana down after she bites a camper.
Graphics:
As Hannah Montana, the very first thing that happened to me was my father, country standout Billy Ray Cyrus, ordering me to go to the back of the trailer and get dressed for my concert. So half a minute in and I’m watching a little girl change clothes. It’s the perfect game to take my mind off the screams coming from my van! As a top-quality fashion sim, there was nearly three combinations of outfit, so I really hope this cartridge has a secret chip installed that calls the FBI if this part takes me longer than 10 seconds. More to the point, through my partially covered eyes I was able to notice that the graphics sucked.
Fun:
During your concert, you drunkenly steer Hannah Montana around the stage and play mini-games that represent “singing” and “dancing.” Apparently, there’s also a part in every Miley Cyrus song where she lumbers over to a keyboard and pounds out a completely different song with one finger. Which brings me to this theological conclusion: if the sound engineer to this game isn’t wearing earmuffs made out of the shrieks of tortured bats from now until forever, then our God is a merciful and forgiving God. Case closed, Old Testament!
Challenge:
This game is easy. People have dated handfuls of vegetable oil less easy than this. The “rhythm” parts are so hard to lose that it’s almost racist. And the parts that aren’t making fun of white people seem designed to test apes for evidence of shape recognition, not act as entertainment. It’s like Hannah Montana accidentally got attached to a 450 step program to teaching your monkey sign language at home, and this is step one half. Fuck you, Hannah Montana.
The winner: After all the scores are tallied in the first ONS Awards, Curling DS comes away with the victory! With a near-perfect score of 14 Official Nintendo Seals, there is no doubt that Curling DS has been sealed by Nintendo, officially.
This entry was posted on Thursday, May 14th, 2009 at 4:25 am and is filed under Internet, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
If Wonder Woman Comics Were More Honest (And Awesome)
2009 Literary Sex Off! 5 Baffling Perspectives on Boning
7 Great Occupations for Horribly Stupid People
If Aquaman Comics Knew How Much Aquaman Sucks
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
November 20th, 2009 at 11:06 am
These games suck, but Nintendo didn’t make them, they just published them to their system. There are plenty of excellent games for the Wii and DS (especially the DS), and the fact that this article focuses on the worst of the worst shows how biased the author is.
Also, notice that none of those games actually has the Official Nintendo Seal of Quality.
November 16th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Hilarious!!! I freaking love this website! LOLS, I can’t stand Hannah MOntana so seeing her on this list made me smile, keep up the good work!
August 23rd, 2009 at 7:59 am
Blogroll links aint that great
but i am not the admin
August 20th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
NIGGER PLEASE Curling DS is Fucking awesome NIgga
August 10th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
rafa nadal is hot.
August 10th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Comments section: Wah Wah! As a hardcore gamer I am upset that Nintendo has chosen not to listen to my unreasonable and retarded demands and instead try to make video gaming more than an incestuous niche! Wah!
That said, I like the article.
August 6th, 2009 at 9:17 am
wii sucks balls. it’s all about the ps3 and 360.
August 6th, 2009 at 5:55 am
oh the humanity
August 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Xbots, fanboys and wii owners - grow the fuck up.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:34 am
the Wii is doing so well in sales because it is the game system for people who don’t want to play games. they can do every day things but inside where they don’t have to be bothered by those annoying things like sun and air and other people. with Wii games now everyone can consider themself a gamer. of course they won’t sit and devote hours, days, weeks, etc to Battlefield Bad Company or EverQuest like some people I know. i haven’t played a video game since Star Fox (the original, not the remake) and i am perfectly happy to keep it that way.
August 5th, 2009 at 9:57 am
none of these games are actually made by nintendo….
August 5th, 2009 at 7:58 am
WTF how could Wii Music not be on here? that was actually made by Nintendo!
August 1st, 2009 at 9:46 am
and yet none of those are Nintendo games
well you have Sony to thank for that, because they license any game that comes Ninty couldn’t compete with them with only 5 games a year by every developer
they used to do that in the late 80s/early 90s and with that we got some really great games
I miss the old days =(
August 1st, 2009 at 7:53 am
fuc k canada
July 31st, 2009 at 3:46 pm
I just love the face for this Hannah Montana creation there would be two colons in the title, Hannah Montana:The Movie:The Game
July 30th, 2009 at 9:18 am
“Before you say it, Final Fantasy was originally on Nintendo consoles until Enix bought Square, and some still are such as the Crystal Chronicles sub-series.”
Actually, Final Fantasy was on Nintendo until Nintendo cancelled the CD add-on and forced Square to redesign a few of the games at the end of the SNES’s lifetime to fit on the regular system, and then decided to stick with the limited cartridge format. Square and Enix only merged a few years ago.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
You do know Nintendo didn’t actually make these? The seal never actually meant anything other than that the game is licensed for the system.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Then don’t read it…that was easy, huh?
July 28th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
I can’t stand Seanbaby’s writing. I’m sorry, it’s just not funny at all.
July 28th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
not given up, but rather milked their target audience dry
July 28th, 2009 at 4:41 am
Yeah, the Nintendo seal was put in place to keep people from making crappy games and saying they were nintendo games because the cartridges were easy to come by, so any little person could slap their name, their game, and ruin Nintendo’s name.
The seal on these games proves that Nintendo said, “Cool, Okay. You can be on the DS.”
July 27th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
A) I enjoy curling. And yes I am a lonely individual.
B) Though hockey is the most popular sport in Canada, lacrosse is the “Official” national sport.
C) But it gets sadder. John A MacDonald (Our first Prime Minister?) made cricket our official sport in the 18something or others.
July 27th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Curling sucks, your an idiot. Canada’s national sport is Lacrosse. Get your facts straight before bashing Canada.
July 26th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
@ Brian
Silly Canadian. You’re just ashamed that hockey isn’t your national sport and trying to make excuses about why it isn’t. It’s alright to say that curling sucks and that Canada made a crap choice of a national sport, the rest of the world will agree with you.
I loved the story about the poop yogurt. That was very inspirational.
July 26th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
It’s quite amazing how many XBox (and to a lesser degree, PS) kiddies will jump at these Nintendo-bashing articles for their own amusement (and to forget that both the WII and the DS are crushing the 360, PS3 and PSP in terms of sales)
That said, the author sounds really foolish when he bashes the seal, along with he remarks on Curling DS, which reads as “this game sucks because I don’t like Curling”.
Perhaps a little history to put some perspective in mind?
When the Famicon (NES) was released here, it ended the video game crash of 1983, and brought Super Mario Bros with it. It effectively ended the crash.
The seal was put in place to prevent such a crash, which was caused by an absolute saturation of terrible video games at the time. Anyone who remembers the game ET will know what I’m talking about.
However, that was back in the days before the Internet and gaming magazines were really popular. All you had to go on was box art, really. Nowadays, with so many IGN.com clones out, the seal’s original purpose is redundant: Why go through all the trouble of reviewing games for little/no profit when the Internet will do that for you?
July 26th, 2009 at 9:46 am
ummm… nintendo had nothing to do with the production of these games. It’s not like the psp doesn’t have some pretty crappy games too. Anyone recall a certain 50 cent bulletproof g unit edition?
July 26th, 2009 at 6:19 am
Eh, we Canadians like our curling, okay? It’s a lot more difficult than just “throwing a rock on ice and sweeping it”. Well, okay, that’s the general -gist- of it, but it takes a hell of a lot more finesse than that. And have you ever actually tried to get into position to throw a stone before? I swear you have to be a damn gymnast just to get the posture right….
Anyways, I’m meandering from the reason I’m posting. Curling isn’t as retarded as you’re calling it. It’s the watching that makes it retarded- you play it, not watch it, for fun. ;P
July 20th, 2009 at 10:26 am
[...] more noteworthy is its funny articles and “top-10-or-so” lists of things (like THIS and THIS), so check them articles up! DO [...]
July 19th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
>Anthony Says:
>I’m a happy Nintendo owner. XBOX sucks ass. Never wanted one and still don’t. PS3… not gonna waste my money until a new Final Fantasy comes out.
(Read: I am a Nintendo fanboy lololol xcawks sux0rz pee ess 3 can suk a kawk lololol)
Before you say it, Final Fantasy was originally on Nintendo consoles until Enix bought Square, and some still are such as the Crystal Chronicles sub-series.
July 17th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Did you ever stop to think that Nintendo didn’t really make these games? There are more companies than just Nintendo. Blame Ubisoft and Disney for these suck-tastic games, not Nintendo. I’m a happy Nintendo owner. XBOX sucks ass. Never wanted one and still don’t. PS3… not gonna waste my money until a new Final Fantasy comes out. Until then, I’m perfectly happy with my Mario, Zelda, and Pokemon.
July 17th, 2009 at 2:33 am
The Official Nintendo Seal, because “Look, guy. I’m going through a real messy divorce, and every morning I come to work to this huge pile of kids games. I don’t really have time to try them all out. Maybe my wife’s new teenage boyfriend does,” doesn’t fit on a sticker.
OMG you are on fire
RRR
( still high )
July 15th, 2009 at 11:24 am
I saw Hannah Montana and I think I blacked out…I need to find my Xbox to restore my faith in gaming…
July 11th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
I guess it’s not Nintendo’s fault that they make crappy games like this. If you can make games this horrible and people still buy it then why put in the effort? At least there are still the occasional good games…
June 24th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Bro, curling is BADASSS. Enough said.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:19 am
Elias: Exactly. Curling hasn’t done anything for ANYONE.
June 20th, 2009 at 1:15 am
The visual you gave to describe the difference in the number of seals had me crying in laughter, keep p the awesome articles!
June 18th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Nintendo didn’t make these games. In fact, the seal of quality every game doesn’t mean shit. It just means that the company paid Nintendo licensing fees, not that it’s a good game. It’s a way of telling if the game is legal or not. If you do a search, you’ll find that Nintendo has a humongous history of being money-grabbing assholes, even bigger than Sony or Microsoft. Well, not all of Microsoft, just the part that does videogames.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
I could barely BREATHE. I was laughing so hard.
June 13th, 2009 at 12:11 am
love it, so so funny, more reviews please!
June 12th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Lol…thanks for posting
June 11th, 2009 at 12:44 am
you did notice that of the 5 games you listed only one actually involved nintnedo as a associated developer. The red oval around the Nintendo brand is a symbol of their involvement. You’ll note that the seal is not present on these titles on the cover or the backside go to any gaming website that has pictures to find what I’m talking about. .. . don’t get me wrong I agree with you. nintendo quit on the only thing they had going for them, exclusive access to the kick ass games club. you should do a post on the derivative crap they are making for the Wii by George lucasing their classic titles. (read as bastardizing our youth)
June 8th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Soo true on these games sucking lol
June 2nd, 2009 at 9:32 pm
“More to the point, through my partially covered eyes I was able to notice that the graphics sucked.”
Mega lulz.
June 2nd, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Lawls this website actually tickled my funny bone (although that’s actually a nerve, not important) but i do enjoy many nintendo games, and other consoles do have their fails, although nintendo kinda became the fail whore… but one does have to give credit to the old games such as mario party (which got worse and worse with every new release… mario party 1-3 totally beat 4-… w/e number its in now) but seriously the wiimote… mine works perfectly fine it knows what direction im swinging and where im pointing atleast 99% of the time… only game i have trouble with is wiiplay in the laser hockey minigame.. i think i just suck at that one tho…
lol but this was an interesting article…
it totally fueled my roflcopter
June 2nd, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Well well well
I’ve heard of seanbaby before from a friend who loves this site. Thought I’d come and have a check at it, see what its like.
And even though Im not really a gamer as such, I know enough about games and consols that this article made me giggle aloud. And then I read the comments…
Seriously, they are almost more funny than the artical. I love flame wars! Keep it up guys, even if this artical wasn’t funny (it was), the comments really make your ribs hurt.
Lord Shplane and Kikibatsu, I love your comments. xD
May 30th, 2009 at 11:22 am
come on mikester619 pokemon games were the shit , u know it don’t deny it ^.^
May 27th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Sadly, I once owned a Wii and a collection of about 10 games that were actually worth buying. Thank God some idiot on Ebay wanted it bad enough to give me $500 bucks for thw whole lot. Now I own an Xbox 360 and life is good on the dark side yet again.
May 26th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
what fans? 90% of “Hardcore” gamers are lying to themselves if they say they would buy a Nintendo console if it had good games. Hardcore gamers abandoned them first, Nintendo owes them nothing.
May 26th, 2009 at 2:24 am
Премного благодарен за такую занимательную точку зрения. Я с ней не совсем согласен, но она имеет право быть.
May 26th, 2009 at 12:23 am
ROTMFFLMMFAO……… THINK OF THE FUCKIN POKEMON GAMES
May 25th, 2009 at 6:30 am
As long as the money keeps coming in Nintendo will never give a shit about their games or games for their consoles in general.
Every so often they throw their fans a bone which
is essentially the exact same game from 4 years ago with different graphics.
The New Play control series is an example of how apathetic they are towards their fans.
May 24th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
*said while grabbing bridge of nose*
THE FULL COMMENT VERSION
I am unsure of how many, “Seanbaby you effin’ effity effer! Don’t you effin’ know that the seal doesn’t mean they effin’ effity make those eff games….EFF! you….just..EFF!” comments I have seen, but enough to tell me two things:
1.) A good portion of the populous has decided that “skimming” an article is the same as “reading” an article.
2.) A good portion of the populous has pulled what I believe we are now calling a “Mencia” and assuming that Seanbaby, a paid writer at once upon a time for EGM, is a moron and doesn’t know that Nintendo did not make these games themselves.
If you are going to criticize an article, at least read the article. That doesn’t seem like too much to ask. You know how I know it isn’t too much to ask? Because in the time it took many of you to type your comments, you could have spent your time reading the article.
SUMMARY FOR SKIMMERS VERSION
lol! he doesn’t make the games you retargayberbate! For yukyuks check out this awesome picture you laugh so much you git in trouble! Haw!
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/128347041536093750icanhazpota.jpg
May 24th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
[QUOTE]I have a new pity if not respect for women and the depressing materials they’re given to jerk off with.[/QUOTE]
Well thank you. In this testosterone-pumped website known as Cracked.com, it’s nice to know someone cares (unless you were being sarcastic).
May 23rd, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Beware the Phantom Time Traveler! He goes back in time and changes the past. It’s his hobby. Warn your friends and family about the Phantom Time Traveler! His actions are constantly changing your life and mine. History cannot be left in the hands of an individual! What has already been done is not meant to be undone. Petition the government! Let them know about the danger he poses. If we can convince the government of the problem, they may be able to build a machine that can detect ripples caused by time travel. Then, the next time he comes back from the past or future, we can catch him! BEWARE THE PHANTOM TIME TRAVELER! Your life could be completely ruined in the past, and you won’t even know it! You might have been rich, but after the Phantom Time Traveler changed something, you’re not, and don’t remember it! You might lose your memories of today as well! A wise man once said “Do not squander time. That is the stuff life is made of.” Surely, destroying the precious lives of others by changing their pasts of the worst thing someone could do. The Phantom Time Traveler is perpetrating an atrocity far worse than any that has come before. It is a crime against all humanity, against all life, everywhere!
COPY and PASTE this warning to AT LEAST SEVEN STORIES, or the Phantom Time Traveler will have sex with your mom in the past and become your dad!
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:07 pm
I see UBISOFT is still dropping games as if they had diarrhea.
May 22nd, 2009 at 12:17 pm
ROFLMAO! An undisclosable number of years ago I took a creative writing course in college with Seanbaby, and his shit made me giggle back then too. I still ask people if they have killed a reptoid for Earth Day…
May 21st, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Hey, LexTaliones. Do you really think Seanbaby is really…maybe..um..bad? Like…is..he…maybe just bad?I mean…like, him, um…besides being bad…is um…uhhh…
May 21st, 2009 at 3:46 pm
i’m right there with ya, these games are totally lame.
May 21st, 2009 at 8:30 am
They make licensed video games? OH MY GOD! How dare nintendo do something that ABSOLUTELY. NO. OTHER. Game company has ever done?
May 21st, 2009 at 4:01 am
This article almost makes me wish I had renewed my EGM subscription before the internet uninvented paper.
May 20th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
I don’t understand how you got a job working for Cracked. I just .. I mean … You’re just really bad. Please let Swaim, or someone else write more, and fire this Seanbaby dude. He’s just … bad.
May 20th, 2009 at 9:11 am
I own a DS, and there is no way in apocalyptic-remove-your-cock-with-a-pair-of-pinking-shears-hell I would have considered buying any of these games. Ever.
Having said that I do own Cooking Guide, which, although it isn’t a ‘game’ as such, it is a very handy little guide to whipping up some pretty awesome meals (try the Tikka Masala).
I will have to inform Nintendo that my ‘Official Seal of Appreciation for Delivering Fun, Challenging Games esp. Goldeneye on the 64′ will become my ‘Official Seal of Disgust and Regret That I No Longer Enjoy Nintendo Products’.
May 20th, 2009 at 8:53 am
“The “rhythm” parts are so hard to lose that it’s almost racist. ”
This actually made me laugh out loud. This is something that I rarely get when I read cracked, and almost always get from Seanbaby’s articles.
May 19th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Hilarious, I went from here back to Cracked’s home page, and there was a decent-sized Nintendo ad awaiting my eyesight.
May 18th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Also wow I must be bored lol
May 18th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
@Games
As the owner of a PS3 and a Wii, I must say that the fact that the PS3 has more good games than I can count on one hand makes it easily better than the Wii. I’d also like to mention that even the worst PS3 games can at least tell what button you’re pressing, unlike the Wiimote, which can’t tell what direction you’re swinging it in about 89% of the time. Also, friend codes. FRIEND. CODES. I like being able to play a game without typing in an 800 digit password thank you very fucking much.
@Asparagus
Yet it’s SUPPOSED to mean that they’re actually good. That’s what it always meant before. But now Nintendo just whores it out to every game that some asshat shits together to steal money from grandparents/fanbois/retards. Nintendo is no longer saying “This game is p good, you should buy it” or even “We tested this game to see if it’s moderately playable”, just “If you put this cartridge into your DS, it’ll work.” You might wish it HADN’T worked, but it’ll fucking WORK.
May 18th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
I only saw one game here that didn’t say another company besides Nintendo made it. The only thing that the seal meant is that the game actually works
May 18th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
PlayStation 3 has better graphic but nothing else. Nintendo rocks!
May 18th, 2009 at 10:58 am
also @ BIGMIKE:
The Wii has 300 shitty games for every 1 good one.
Now when I’m almost positive I can recount every single “good” Wii game out of a library as large as they have - that just screams “suck” to me.
May 18th, 2009 at 10:56 am
At least Nintendo’s not a liar.
I wonder when they officially took the “of Quality” out of their seal…
because to me, it would historically seem to coincide with about 6 months after the release of the Wii.
May 18th, 2009 at 3:47 am
@BIGMIKE
Yeah, but the PS2 also had some of the best games ever made. Ever.
And I’m going to assume that you’re trolling with the Wii. Otherwise I’ve lost all faith in humanity.
May 18th, 2009 at 12:16 am
Hannah Montana must die
May 18th, 2009 at 12:11 am
also the Wii is the best system ever
May 18th, 2009 at 12:09 am
Fucking hilarious, but the PlayStation 2 is still the God-Emperor of shitty shovelware.
May 18th, 2009 at 12:07 am
It seems like spanking is the main focus of the “author”. Every reference given is not more than 3 degrees from ’spanking’.
Wait, maybe Spanky wrote this piece?
May 17th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
The sad thing is, you guys left out “What’s Cooking? With Jamie Oliver:”
May 17th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
DAryl G…Seanbaby, I’ve always hated your face and your hair and your name, but until now, I didn’t have any real reason to hate you.
You’re a really bad writer. You should really, really quit your job. In this economy, there’s no room for a crappy writer like you to be paid, or even waste resources. Please get another job or hobby.
You’re a fucking idiot. Just because YOU don’t find it funny doesn’t mean the man isn’t talented or funny. It just means you have no sense of humor. Plus, I ask you…has your comedy stylings gotten you a paying gig in what was a nationally published magazine…or a globally read website?
Nah…didn’t think so.
May 17th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
*waves to Chuuie*
Right on! I grew up a gamer gal and I’ve been flat out bummed by the ‘girl game’ trend of games that simulate things like dog walking and horse care. I don’t like horses, dogs, or babysitting, thank you very much Nintendo. don’t get me wrong, I’m not like, a maniac violent person, but if I have to choose between a dog-washing stylus and say… a sniper rifle, well, lets just all feel bad for the nearest enemy head if I have to ever make that choice. Hehe ^^
—(x.X)——>
boom, headshot ^^
May 17th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
I didn’t know vagina’s visited this site. Sweet! Welcum! BA-BOING!!!
May 17th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
As a female, and a Nintendo DS owner, I am proud to say i have NONE of these games… I appreciate Nintendo’s attempt to ‘branch out’ and reach a broader audience, but I know I was raised as a she-gamer on good old blood, bombs, and boobs, and any daughter I have will be raised that way too.
May 17th, 2009 at 2:07 am
@People who are saying “Nintendo didn’t make these games”
Seanbaby never said that they did. He simply stated that they put their Nintendo seal thingy on it. This is supposed to mean that it’s a good fucking game, but it doesn’t. Nintendo HONESTLY DOESN’T CARE what is on its system, or what its fans are dicked into buying. It is a whore, and will put its seal on anything.
@The guy who said that Nintendo still makes mostly good first party games
We get a single Mario, and maybe a couple of Metroids and Zeldas. Other than that, we get five hundred more Mario Parties and Wii Music/Play/Sports/Fit/Gay Anal Rape. Nintendo makes JUST enough worthwhile games to keep fanboys from burning Miyamoto’s house down. And honestly, those aren’t as good as they were in the past (’Cept Twilight Princess. Best Zelda ever. Fuckers at least did SOMETHING right)
May 17th, 2009 at 12:08 am
I wish that went on forever.
May 16th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
Just curious, but did anyone notice that only one of these games have nintendo’s name on them in anything other than the system’s name? The first two were done by Ubisoft, the third is too small, and Hannah Montana was done by Disney games (from which very few decent things see the light of day unless a better company holds their hand through the process).
I agree that the DS has a load of terrible games on it, but it appears that there isn’t much here that Nintendo actually had a hands on in development of. Just showing that Nintendo will allow whatever to be put on their system in the hopes of getting a profit from unfortunate pre-adolescents and un-savvy grandparents.
May 16th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Wow, Seanbaby, you really really hate curling…
I must admit, I’m not a fan of curling, but you really hate it with a passion.
Why all the venom towards curling; surely, curling has done nothing to you.
May 16th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
I didn’t read this post when it was originally posted because I don’t really like Seanbaby’s stuff. Since I as bored just now, I decided to at least try. I almost got through the first game and then just scrolled down the list. I won’t attack anyone personally if they do like him, but I don’t.
May 16th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Good old Cracked stuff. It’s good to laugh while the economy is bad! Here are more fun videos, “Never Too Broke to Joke” http://tv1.com/playlists/104
May 16th, 2009 at 6:26 am
[...] At: Sarah Palin Supports Miss California (DailyFill) 5 Games That Prove Nintendo Has Given Up (Cracked) DMX’s New Career Outlook (Complex) Anna Maltzs Nude Suits [nsfw] (IHeartChaos) Its All About [...]
May 16th, 2009 at 2:01 am
@Meredith Says:
May 15th, 2009 at 9:29 am
i wouldn’t say all the boys-games are good either.
but it’s definitly true that game-designers seem to be under the imprssion that we girls would buy anything as long as it has pink puppy’s in it. which just proves that (male) nerds do not have girlfriends (or maybe they just hate women and want to punish them)
May 15th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Hey Seanbaby, long time fan, first time commenter.
Dude, I fucking LOVE your work, and I want to have your babies (don’t worry, I’m female). Please update your site, it’s made of god and win. I want to see more shit on it. Please review more shitty retro games. Your lists are epic win and I can’t stop laughing at them.
“I got the shoe! I got the motherfucking shoe! Look how cute he looks! I’m in the motherfucking shoe!” (I’m paraphrasing here, but you get the point). I couldn’t stop laughing at that.
tl;dr
MOAR NAO
May 15th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Um, the DS has wonderful games such as How To Stop Smoking…But they get no love on the list haha
May 15th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
So… In the Hanna Montana game you watch her changes clothes… really? I just ask because… eh… you know, I’m curious.. it’s not like if I’m going to buy the game or something… that would be sick… of course…
May 15th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
I’m so glad you wrote an article about shitty DS games. Not to start a console war, but this is why I got a PSP. And I’m not saying that as a Sony fanboy, I have a DS, and I felt insulted shopping for games.
May 15th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
“If you need an example, picture you’re in a sack race. The sun in shining, the air is filled with laughter, and you score one ONS for winning the sack race, or five ONS’s if you stay in one place and masturbate into your bag.”
I can’t stop laughing at that one!
(I’m considering trying this at my next sack race.)
May 15th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
“Air Traffic Controller” for the DS.
That is absolutely all that should be considered.
May 15th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
I love laughing. I love you. This is simply one of the funniest things I have read in the last month. Classy.
May 15th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
robocop and the interpreter could possibly find themselves in a hariy situation that may or may not involve murdering the guy who wrote the davinci code, thus lessening my already incredible level of respect for mr. josh baskin himself, tom hanks. indirect? yes. inexcusable? also yes.
May 15th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I don’t know what a Intendo DS is.
May 15th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Meh, these are games I woulden’t use to prove Nintendo has given up.
Most of them are shitty games you’ll find in a 10$ bin. It was funny though.
May 15th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
The current Official Nintendo Seal is explained as follows:
“The official seal is your assurance that this product is licensed or manufactured by Nintendo. Always look for this seal when buying video game systems, accessories, games, and related products.”
Nintendo didn’t make any of them games, and they’re not vouching for the quality. Contrary to what other commenters have posted, I do understand sarcasm, and here’s an example to prove it: Seanbaby should stick to making jokes about how many cocks Phil Collins has in his mouth, because *that* is hilarious. wheeeee!
May 15th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
No, what you did there was take a funny line, bastardize it in an attempt to make a point (and sound all cool and shit), but wound up looking like a cock. Good job, cock.
May 15th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
It’s so funny when people hate on an article like this because it insults their precious little Nintendo. Pull your panties out of your angry vaginas and stop jumping to Nintendo’s defense anytime someone has something less than kind to say about them. They’re a multi-billion dollar company — I think they can take the heat without your help.
May 15th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Now *this* is what we needed! Sad thing is, I can see myself being forced to play these games sometime, for my little sister….
May 15th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Glad you are writing in a place i can find, I used to go to your website every few months and longingly read your old articles while i cried and masturbated in a totally non-gay way.
May 15th, 2009 at 9:29 am
I hope it is finally clear to the idiots who keep saying, “women don’t like video games”, that this truly isn’t the case. We don’t hate video game…video games hate us!!! At least those marketed to “women and girls”. I feel like it’s a plot worthy of “The Stepford Wives 2: Step to It”.
And if you haven’t yet done an article aimed at the “Tutor” games, er…programs…whatever, then I’d love to see you hit that.
May 15th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Seanbaby, you are quickly becoming my favorite Cracked writer.
Don’t listen to these haters, they’re all hookers and thieves. They don’t get sarcasm and probably write these comments during their daily fifteen minutes on the computer that the Psychiatric Hospital gives them.
Keep up the amazing work.
May 15th, 2009 at 8:20 am
One assumes that those visiting Cracked.com are fans of humor. One hopes those fans are familiar enough with the art to know various tools of humor. One would think that taking the literal translation of a title and twisting it to show a hilarious oversight would be a well known tactic. One would be very very wrong.
One hates so many of you.
May 15th, 2009 at 6:07 am
“The “rhythm” parts are so hard to lose that it’s almost racist. ” Hilarious. Really enjoyed this article.
May 15th, 2009 at 4:30 am
Have you seen the tutor line of games for DS? Theres a motherfucking game called “My Stop Smoking Tutor”. I need a review of that one, Seanbaby, I’m thinking of buying it.
May 15th, 2009 at 3:50 am
They should really go back to the 90’s and do games like supermario bros and what not. Those games were better anyday!
May 15th, 2009 at 3:47 am
Hannah Montana is a “classic Hollywood movie” now???
May 15th, 2009 at 2:30 am
if possibly, the third-parties that release these games are actually out to destroy Nintendo. I also wonder, then, how much Microsoft and Sony (especially suspicious of Sony) are paying them.
May 15th, 2009 at 2:26 am
“One day a group of yogurt executives decided to market a yogurt that makes you shit. Poop yogurt, for your generation. These yogurt men called themselves Yo-Plus…”
Only because “go-gurt” was already taken.
May 15th, 2009 at 12:30 am
Seanbaby, give me my Captain Cold and The Atom articles. I know you have them. I am not kidding this time. I’ve been patient, but those articles need to get written. By you.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
This site is like a comedy club with no cover charge, where the performers stick around after the show and pretend to listen while the audience yells at them.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Daryl G. and Thrage should both be launched into deep space.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
This is so funny it’s almost racist.
See what I did there? I took the funniest line in the article and ruined it.
Now it’s mine forever.
All in one swoop.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
See, THESE are the articles you need to be putting up on Cracked! Nice job, Seanbaby! This was great.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
That was awesome. You have now a better writer than that Stephen Hawking guy. I mean his stuff isn’t even funny, so it was no contest.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
[...] the games out for yourself here… Read [...]
May 14th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
I love how several douches kindly pointed out that Nintendo didn’t make any of these games, and then trashed the article for it. He didn’t say at any point that Nintendo did anything to develop or publish the games, he’s just making a point that anyone with a hermit crab’s experience in programming or game design could write a game and Nintendo would put their good name on it. I think it’s funny though that the seal no longer appears on the front of any box, it’s always tucked away on a bottom corner on the back which means that Nintendo knows it’s a joke.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
I’m not trying to defend people on the internet I’ve never met but the people saying this isn’t funny could at least TRY not being humorless fags.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
As the expert of comedy, I deem this HIGH-larious!
May 14th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Ironically, the Official Nintendo Seal of Quality is still used in Australia for the same games you’ve got here.
Maybe they’re better over here? I don’t know.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Well done Seanbaby, keep it coming
May 14th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
once again…you made me laugh till I cried at work.
In other news: I have been wondering why everyone who comments here seems to think THEY are THE expert on comedy. It’s odd to see. Seriously. The amount of complaints for free entertainment that keeps you from drooling on your desk at work is ridiculous. Sure, there are posts that everyone columnist here has had that I wasn’t having a pants blasting splooge seizure over…..but sheez. Come on.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
BURN HANNAH MONTANA BUTN UNTIL SHE IS NO LONGER RESEMBLING A HUMAN BEING
May 14th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Nintendo doesn’t develop or even publish any of these games. The ‘Nintendo Seal of Quaility’ is there to show that the game has been tested and wont break your system/explode.
You’re usually funny man, but this shit sucked.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Why are there only DS games?
May 14th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Nintendo is getting screwed over as far as the Wii is concerned. Developers don’t want to take the time to learn how to develop for the system’s controls. That, plus several developers have said they won’t work on the Wii because graphically it’s like “going backwards.” Meanwhile, the PS3 and 360 are little more than better looking versions of their predecessors that cost more.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
http://www.cracked.com/blog/ons-awards-the-latest-and-worstest-nintendo-games/#comment-86299
Your reading comprehension could use some work. The premise of the article is games that were given the Official Nintendo Seal, for play on a Nintendo system. Not games made by Nintendo, dumbass.
My favorite bit was the part about spelling your favorite color in Esperanto to return a serve.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
This could easily have been a great article if the writer didn’t suck.
Seriously, everyone else on Cracked makes this guy look pathetic. I’m tired of reading all the unfunny garbage that ends up on Cracked nowadays, only to realize it’s yet another Seanbaby. Luckily for me, the writer’s name is at the top of the articles, so from now on I can just pass over the ones with the “Official Cracked.com Seal”.
I can’t believe the other Cracked columnists cite Seanbaby as an influence.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I laughed so hard I came.
Then I came so hard I started laughing again.
Or maybe that was just when I was nuts-deep in Daryl G’s love bum. That would explain why he left such a nasty comment. Poor guy; he probably thought I was still laughing at his wiener.
Purell, meanwhile, is like a human ball wash. Thanks, Purell.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I’m pretty jaded by nintendo’s lack of awesomeness of late, and I have every godamn console they’ve released since the Nes.
If I didn’t go to school and had time for gaming, I’d be buying an X-box, cos I’ve already played through every worthwhile single player game for the wii. I haven’t played my ds since I got addicted to advance wars, and I keep looking for chrono trigger for it but for some reason nowhere sells it??
anyways, funny article.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
You had me at poop yogurt.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
“I just hope they’re faithful to the scene where they have to put Hannah Montana down after she bites a camper.”
Super funny as always.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Well…. comedy IS pretty hard, it’s not for everyone. Better luck next time.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
So half a minute in and I’m watching a little girl change clothes. It’s the perfect game to take my mind off the screams coming from my van! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
YOUR THE FUNNYEST MAN ALIVE, IM TELLING YOU!!!
May 14th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Jamesguz maybe not you, but the others for sure. asshats.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Haha, Seanbaby, that was awesome! I like your sense of humor, very smart.
You, Swaim, DOB and Gladstone are my favorites n_n
May 14th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Jamesguz, Cliff, Daryl G. and David, fuck off you nintendo fanboy cum guzzling sperm burps!
May 14th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Holy crap! Cracked actually has a funny writer now! I’m still disappointed that Hanna Montana didn’t win. Haven’t you ever seen the Canadian Olympic curling team and the captain who screams “HAAAARRRRRRRRderrrrr” like a pirate after she’s chucked the stone? If that’s in the game, I’m buying it.
May 14th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
These games suck and there are a lot of games for the DS and Wii that suck. But let’s not forget Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars. While it hasn’t sold well, it is a revolutionary game for the DS. Also, don’t forget about the various RPGs available such as Dragon Quest 4 and 5, Chrono Trigger, and many Final Fantasy iterations. Anyone can take 5 crappy games, put them on a list, and claim a company has given up.
May 14th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Well, I thought it was funny. I’ve spent the day doing extensive tests, and have come to the conclusion that anyone who doesn’t share my sense of humour simply doesn’t have a sense of humour to speak of. It’s science.
May 14th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Absolutely fantastic. I think I almost died laughing at work as my coworkers leered at me from behind my monitor.
May 14th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Curling is the greatest sport eevvvveeeerrrrrrrrrr
rofl nintendo seal of quality my nutsack plx
May 14th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
lol @ the nintendo fanboys ragin’ over this article go wank it to the princess FAGGOTZ lulzylewlz
nintendo has sucked ever since the gamecube came out
May 14th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
the curling one and the hannah montana one are absolutely fantastic. you are battling hard for the coveted title of “jack clark’s favourite cracked writer” seanbaby you awful flirt.
May 14th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
This was so, so, so, so very funny. Not knowing anything about Seanbaby outside of Cracked, I assumed he was just some dickhead who pontificates arrogantly about market-research-driven cliches about what I’m supposed to like since I come to this website. Now he writes something that doesn’t suck, and it manages to decimate all other Cracked writers in one glorious thunderclap of magnficence.
May 14th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Seanbaby, I’ve always hated your face and your hair and your name, but until now, I didn’t have any real reason to hate you.
You’re a really bad writer. You should really, really quit your job. In this economy, there’s no room for a crappy writer like you to be paid, or even waste resources. Please get another job or hobby.
May 14th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
popurls.com // popular today…
story has entered the popular today section on popurls.com…
May 14th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Maybe I’m counting wrong, but didn’t the Hannah Montana game only earn 13 ONSs?
May 14th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
You do realize that none of those are made by Nintendo? I generally enjoy cracked, but you’ve really reached a new low.
May 14th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
nintendo have been crap since mario 2 came out
May 14th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Man, all I wanna know is when the next Zelda is coming out!
RT
http://www.privacy-resources.us.tc
May 14th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
“then spell your favorite color in Esperanto.”
shit, that’s just too funny
May 14th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
what a list of crap…
May 14th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Nonsense dear, now don’t forget to take out the trash like I asked you.
May 14th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Awww mom, you’re embarrassing me.
May 14th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
All you people being mean and disrespectful to my little angel, I will fucking hunt you down and ass-rape you with a jackhammer! For everyone else there is cookies and lemonade on the front porch, help yourselves.
May 14th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Now THIS is the Seanbaby we know and love…Must’ve taken him a month or so to warm up.
May 14th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
@Jeremy
So… your suggestion is that if we stop calling Nintendo out on letting companies release truckloads of crap on their systems, they’ll stop letting it happen?
Also, nobody ever said that all these games were made by Nintendo. They merely contain the Nintendo Seal on their box/cartridge.
May 14th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Its good to see that seanbaby is still kind of articles after EGM was cancelled.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
“The “rhythm” parts are so hard to lose that it’s almost racist.”
I nearly choked myself laughing.
There is now tropicana all over my desk.
Thanks.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
This sucked, nintendo didn’t make those games, those aren’t peanuts, blah blah blah. I SUCK!
May 14th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
yeah that. bitches.
very funny!
May 14th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
[...] Article here (thanks NDUDE!) [...]
May 14th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
If Nintendo actually made any of these, I’d get it. They didn’t. I do get the point that they don’t seem to care if absolute trash comes out for their systems, but both also have plenty of great games. I’m certain you could’ev made this list with 5 shit games from any other system out there right now. It’d be no different.
This Nintendo trashing is getting as old as the Chuck Norris fad.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
oh dear god, this is the funniest fucking thing i have ever seen. however, i was eating a sucker as i read it and almost choked on it from laughing so hard.
you’ll be hearing from my lawyers, seanbaby.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Hahahaha that shit was hilarious!
May 14th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
OK. Have to add.
Seanbaby knows this, probably, but the stuff coming on the market in Japan right now makes these games look like what DukeNukemForever was SUPPOSED to be. Be afraid… be very afraid…
Just as examples. Cooking and gardening for DS. Games. With mommies, dibbles, sweet potatoes, and measuring cups. And it is cute. With difficulty levels. Mix your soil properly, or UH OH! I recommend the Japanese versions. They will melt your heart.
This article will have to be completely rewritten in 3 months. Does anyone ever wonder why Seanbaby NEVER runs out of funny stuff to write about? Watching his head explode on a weekly basis has been great entertainment for me for over a decade.
Learn to appreciate Seanbaby, he is bigger than Cracked. He is the Ur.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Loved it! Keep rockin!
May 14th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Seanbaby, I’ve been reading your stuff since your own website back in the day, and goddamn are you a funny dude.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Dya think wynona rider could play the Robocop/Interpreter love interest?
May 14th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
For the most part, Nintendo’s first party games are still great. But yeah, there’s a flood of horrible third party games, especially on the Wii and DS. Seems like good games are becoming a rarity.
Anyway, not my favorite article by far, but it was still funny.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
how… only olds
May 14th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
The sad thing is I don’t think Nintendo’s even changed. I think we all just grew up.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
1) There’s a traditional Cracked style? Numbered lists and dick jokes?
2) Curling is awesome.
3) Nobody had better steal my “Robocop Goes to the Planet of the Apes” script idea.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Hey now I have come to enjoy Curling these past few years.. It’s the only time I ever see women sweep.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
“I took this game out to make sure it wasn’t some kind of prank, and in the time it took to inspect it for the Official Nintendo Seal, my DS had managed to lodge five sleeping pills in its cartridge port. I think it’s trying to kill itself.”
Holy shit, I almost pissed my pants over that one
May 14th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Also, while the Wii isn’t really my thing (though I have one, and it has some awesome stuff between the generic cash-ins), I consider the DS the best system on the market today with nothing worthy of being considered in the same breath with it.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Honestly, I get a little tired of hearing all of the slamming of Nintendo, especially with the casual / hardcore game divide that has no reason to exist. Hell, I’ve been playing games for 14 years yet I wouldn’t consider myself hardcore and have no problem with the industry going mainstream.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
I love when idiots and assholes complain that Seanbaby doesn’t write in the “traditional” Cracked style…that’s because he doesn’t fucking have to! He’s much more funny than any other writer here and maybe he can help bring this site more fans than just the basement-dwelling nerds that populate this place right now. Stop whining like little bitches when someone comes along with some fresh new ideas and doesn’t follow your gay-ass idea of how Cracked “SHOULD” be.
“If you need an example, picture you’re in a sack race. The sun in shining, the air is filled with laughter, and you score one ONS for winning the sack race, or five ONS’s if you stay in one place and masturbate into your bag.”
Fucking classic.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
funny article. well done. don’t listen to the pre-teen ADD riddled haters who can’t handle all the adverbs and spell even worse (irrelivent??).
favorite line: The actual numbers would astonish you, so instead here are two others: 12, seventy-umpleen*. good numbers indeed, and i remain unastonished. (disastonished?)
May 14th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
I LOL’ed and hurt my back, so you owe me a new spine, Sean. And you haters, I hope your ferrets escape tonight and devour your whole family.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
deimudda is just upset that Seanbaby insulted her idol and favorite game of Hanna Montanna.
Great article, Sean.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Yeah, Nintendo really doesn’t give a damn anymore. It’s sad really, because Nintendo was my childhood. It’s what kept me sane in between beatings. It’s pretty much why I haven’t killed myself.
But now everything I see is made of AIDS. Fuck you Wii. Fuck you DS. Burn in hell.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:43 am
I guess i should go get tested because i think curling ROCKS!!!
May 14th, 2009 at 11:42 am
LMAO this is hands-down the funniest thing I’ve read on Cracked in years.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:39 am
Another great article, and I will admit that I am biased to Seanbaby’s work. I will also mention that I am biased to Seanbaby’s work because it is good. Phil Collins Dick Jokes make me giggle every time.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:37 am
fuck you seanbaby!!
yes, again!!!
either that or start being funny and start getting the cracked format,
you just suck hard at “list articles”, and at life probably too!!!
May 14th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Back off Seanbaby, I’d play curling for the DS any fucking time.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:31 am
“Looking at that picture I can just imagine a pterodactyl busting through the window and eating Miley Cyrus.”
Bless you, Jake.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:55 am
“Man this shit is about as funny as watching an old man try to get up from falling out of his wheel chair.”
i dunno, that sounds pretty fucking funny to me
May 14th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Man this shit is about as funny as watching an old man try to get up from falling out of his wheel chair. You’re style is as boring as Juan Manuel Marquez’s pugilistic advancements.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:35 am
I fell asleep reading your article.
I can’t believe you used to write for EGM.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:31 am
It’s almost as if it would take someone with the brain power of a lemming with Parkinsons to come up with these ideas for games. The sad thing is, except for the Curling one, people will buy these as gifts for their children or grandchildren or whatever and forcibly subject the person to a living hell. The Curling one, I don’t see anyone buying for anybody…except in Canada.
The truth is that Nintendo is overflowing the market, making it head towards another crash like Atari in either ‘83 or ‘84, I can’t recall. Do they care? Nope, apparently not. Whoever came up with these mindrapes they call games should be rogered by a syphilictic Donkey
May 14th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Will I get a writer’s credit if I submit my super-awesome ideas for your Terminator-Interpretor epic? But list me under Alan Smithee, just in case.
BTW, your sentence “People have dated handfuls of vegetable oil less easy than this” made me snort out loud!
May 14th, 2009 at 10:27 am
“It’s the perfect game to take my mind off the screams coming from my van!”
Every article you write is the best article I’ve ever read on this site.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:20 am
I’ve been reading Seanbaby’s work for 6 years or so, and as usual, this one delivers
May 14th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Looks like somebody knows what it’s like to get “ass-raped for 6 hours”. In his case though, it’s probably not rape.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Decent article. Just need to work on delivery. I enjoyed it though.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Awesome.
That is all.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:47 am
This article was great, but the Hannah Montana screen shot made me nostalgic for Silent Hill. Looking at that picture I can just imagine a pterodactyl busting through the window and eating Miley Cyrus.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:42 am
That screen shot in entry #1 reminds me of Silent Hill…
…but that may be just me waiting for Pyramid Head to pop out and start killing everyone.
Who makes a game based on Grey’s Anatomy!?
May 14th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Funny article, although unnecessary. Everyone knows that games produced from existing cash-cows (movies, television, sports etc) are terrible. But I’ll give you that gaming culture is degenerating at an alarming rate due to the mass production of games for preteens and old people (that’s who watches Grey’s Anatomy, right? Old people? I think even they stopped watching a while ago.) To those people, I say, GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR GAMING COMMUNITY. You have not developed/lost all coordination and appreciation for genuinely good games.
Get back to pandering to the nerds, gaming industry. Stop developing for the “average Joe,” because that just makes for average games. I miss the games of yesteryear. They had worse graphics, but better story telling, dynamics, and game play, and they didn’t mince it down for the general public. And they didn’t take forever to make, either. E3 and all those gaming conventions are so redundant now. “Here’s that sequel we’ve been working on and showing here for the past five years! It’s coming out in 2015. We’ll be back next year to show a few more minutes of game play.”
And yeah, as it’s been said, these aren’t actually produced by Nintendo. The article should be “The Latest and Worstest [sic] Games Released for a Nintendo Console.”
May 14th, 2009 at 9:33 am
Much as I love Nintendo, I can’t deny that they follow Sturgeon’s Law all too well; 90% of the games they offer are just plain awful (though this holds true with pretty much everything). But these games make you wonder just what the hell they were thinking, who had to be bribed (and with what), and…and…
Seriously, Curling? Grey’s Anatomy? Hannah frikkin’ Montana?! And Puppy Trainer is a Nintendogs wannabe! Though I must credit to that game; it seems like it really captures just how tedious it must be to train other peoples’ dogs day after day after day.
And the tennis game…I’ve seen homebrew DS games with better graphics and better entertainment value.
These games wouldn’t look so bad if there weren’t other DS games that are so much better.
Great article though!
May 14th, 2009 at 9:32 am
HAYUCK THIS ARTICLE IS LIKE FAG MIXED WITH GAY HUURRRR
PHIL COLLINS MORE LIKE PHIL COLON RITE GUYZ
HEY GUYZ IM TOTALLY STR8 COS I SAY FAGGIT LOL
May 14th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Really good article. This column is so far incredible. Good luck with the other new one.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Hey Seanbaby, why don’t your rankings make sense? Did you know that Nintendo didn’t make these games?!!!!??11111!?> Also, the quality symbol was invented by Ichiro Kuwasaga in 1989, he was CEO of Fun for Nintendo America and they just guaranteed the game worked and was official, not that it was super haxx0r. Why do you hate Nintendo Seanbaby?!!! I hate you and all human notions of “humor”. I now have to go home and readjust the stick up my virgin ass. lulz!!!! >>>DDD>D>D (insert simpsons quote)
God, some people are lame.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Seanbaby for president!
May 14th, 2009 at 9:17 am
I lol’d. Repeatedly.
“Apparently, there’s also a part in every Miley Cyrus song where she lumbers over to a keyboard and pounds out a completely different song with one finger.”
May 14th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Ooh, speaking of nintendo, I bought Yoshi’s island for the SNES recently, What a game.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:01 am
This is just the tip of the iceburg on shi….im sorry I fell asleep. Where am I?
Great article man….I’ve really liked everything Seanbaby has been putting out lately.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Great article. The graphics part of the Hanna one made me laugh out loud, heh.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:34 am
great article sean! you fuckin rock!!!
i love your game related articles
May 14th, 2009 at 8:27 am
Great article. All of the haters can never seem to explain why they hate the article. They’re most likely people who can’t stand an outsider coming in and being this funny. Get over yourselves, guys. Seanbaby is mainstream and he’s the hotness. If I was a woman I’d pound Seanbaby’s ass with a black, diamond-studded throbber while we laughed at the idiots who wanted to break down what the Nintendo seal actually means as if it matters.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Alright so: After RoboCop and Interpreter hide the body of tennis in the backwoods of the Appalachian mountains, we skip a year into the future. ED-209 shows up at RoboCop and Interpreter’s apartment. RoboCop is ready to attack, but ED-209 has a basket of muffins (TWIST). He’s their neighbor, but get this: He only speaks mandarin Chinese (DOUBLE TWIST!), and he’s also the building’s super (WE ARE TWISTING AGAIN, LIKE IT WAS LAST SUMMER!)!
May 14th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Robocop should get infected with a tennis virus which got into his system when he killed Tenis, and therefore, he tries to kill the Interpreter with tennis equipment. Hilarity Ensures.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:16 am
How can you make curling exciting?
One word: landmines.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Robocop and Interpreter vs. Hannah Montana.
Use it as you wish but I keep the rights to the game.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Number 3 inspired me to new heights of crushing souls! I will build a game, which is a follow-on to Puppy Trainer. It will have the same soul-crushing graphic detail and use the same mechanics, but will have a twist. Instead of working for some rich person who can’t be bothered with actually interacting with their own dog, you will be working in an animal shelter. The better you do your job, the less chance there is that the dog will be euthanized. No, you cannot bring that chance below…hmm…. forty percent. Watch that cute puppy (displayed in amazing graphic clarity and photo realism) be taken off to be put down!
Mwahahahaha!!!!
May 14th, 2009 at 7:49 am
Hayhayhay, as a full-fledged Nintendo fangirl, I have to point out it isn’t Nintendo’s fault. 3 were Ubisoft, but Nintendo gave them permission to use the DS for the game. I still loved this article.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:35 am
I love your work, You have replaced DOB as my fav around Cracked. Well done sir!
May 14th, 2009 at 7:34 am
Could you at least have the rankings make some semblance of sense and continuity? Or was part of the point that your assignment of quality seals was completely random and had nothing to do with the actual games themselves?
May 14th, 2009 at 7:30 am
Hey, Seanbaby!
You do know that none of these games were made by Nintendo, right?
May 14th, 2009 at 7:21 am
@Nick Burn: It’s depressing that Nintendo’s definition of Quality is that a cartridge doesn’t brick your system when you slot it in.
“This game I bought ‘actually’ WORKS!! Now that is Quality!”
Maybe Microsoft should bring in that kind of Seal for their 360s.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:01 am
The Nintendo Seal of Quality was an assurance that the CARTRIDGE would work, it had nothing to do with the games itself.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Awesome.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:56 am
“run by sliding the stylus, re-angle it to select the power of the return shot, tap quickly to apply spin, then spell your favorite color in Esperanto.”
Esperanto made my day. I think that just made this the most memorable article I’ve read on Cracked.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Funny article, and while we are all tired of shit games, these are not “Nintendo games”, they are third party games. That official seal, formerly seal of quality (which is odd that this is brought up now since games haven’t branded the ’seal of quality’ since the N64 days) is just saying that they can sell their crap games on Nintendo systems, not necessarily that they are or ever were good.
It seems to me like it’s really hard to get a balance of good third party games, if they are too strict with third party releases, people say they don’t support third parties well enough, but if they do let third party companies do things they want to for just the purpose of making a quick buck, then they get yelled at for supporting the shit.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Too bad jkuhl… too bad.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:50 am
“I have a new pity if not respect for women and the depressing materials they’re given to jerk off with.”
This made me shoot hot tea out of my nose.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:49 am
I blame gamers!
If more gamers had bought N64s and Gamecubes Nintendo wouldn’t have had to build a sh1tty console like the Wii to make all their money back!
It’s your fault I don’t have an HD Zelda you b4stards!
May 14th, 2009 at 6:49 am
You didn’t say these games aren’t made by Nintendo. they are lisenced by them, hence the Approval thing, they have to approve them to get lisenced to get published for their game system. Nintendo itself is still making some good games, and licensing good ones by 3rd parties, but these are just some of the shitty ones that have come out.
I played the gray’s anatomy one, and I agree, it is one of the worst games ever.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:43 am
For the purposes of this post: I like curling!
You may think that makes me crazy, and I bet the victims of that tragic school fire would agree with you, but me? I think that just makes me special. My mom used to tell me I was pecial. She’d say it every night as she locked me in the closet with the dog.
I have no fingernails!
Poop
Poop
May 14th, 2009 at 6:26 am
Ok. Because of the economy, these games are released in droves is because they are made by the Dark Lord Satan in an effort to steal souls via black magic and cheap marketing.
He tagteamed with Disney and various other crappy developers who obviously enjoy sodomizing raccoons and masturbating to Cspan to create such abominations and sell them as alternative to the “good” games they basically ripoff of/ is a spin off some lame ass TV show.
The target audience includes: Joanas Brothers fangirls who’s main dream is to marry all of them which involves the legalization of both polygamy and zoophillia (I’m told the Jonas brothers are part lobster, somehow….); The fans of this Hana Montana thing (I assumed, at first, that was some kinda Rockymountain stripper); the sexual predators who are fans of both Hana Montana, Joanas Brothers, as well as most “kids” tv shows and their fanbase; Those cheapass relatives who are so ass cheap, instead of getting that awesome RockBand IV game, they get the-knockoff that features what look like someone who ate the smurfs and my little ponies then vomited the resulting chum on a computer screen then added gorrilla semen for “effects,”plays like your commiting genocide, and sounds like the screams of a thousand tortured squirrels+sobs of dying orphans- for your birthday/christmas and you have to at least play it in front of them so you dont “hurt” their supposetly existing “feelings” all the while your screaming in your head as the Devil slowly tears away a piece of your soul; Stupid people in general; And at last the cheap parents who get to you as a last minute gift, which shows that they actually hate you and want you to die a slow painful death.
Honestly…(not trying to bring up any political debate) I think the people who claim the CIA tortured would have an even stronger case if these were forced upon the terrorist. Actually…these games should be the standard for the death penality.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Oh and don’t worry about the comments you’ve been getting. Sure you’ve had a bit of a hit and miss affair on this site but most of the fags here think SWAIM and DOB are funny as fuck no matter what shit they churn out so clearly, they wouldn’t know actual humour if it tied them up and ass-raped them for 6 hours.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Bashing? Since when is calling someone merciful and forgiving a form of slander?
That Grey’s Anatomy screenshot is scaring me, by the way.
Oh, and Nintendo should really have removed that word when they call the Total Recall game ‘quality’.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:25 am
what doctorchaos you have something nice to say you were better when you were cruel man thats what you are good at
May 14th, 2009 at 6:24 am
nice it amazes me that nintendo releases games like gray s anatomy and hannah montana it gives me hope though i should contact nintendo for my game monkey s on acid that bitch will get all the fucking ons awards yeah
May 14th, 2009 at 6:23 am
This is classic Seanbaby, fucking funny stuff man.
Most of the DS games I’ve seen seem to have worse graphics than my old Commoore 64. This is the 21st century for fucks sake. We sent a billion dollar Tamiya toy to mars and have special olympic games for 6 million dollar men ripoff’s but they still have shitty little game consoles like this.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:19 am
Why is the US market calling him Rafa?
was Rafael to ethnic sounding?
what about that ninja turtle?!
May 14th, 2009 at 6:16 am
I really enjoyed this and your MMA article that was solid gold
May 14th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Seanbaby, I’m a fan of your video game reviews since you wrote for EGM, they’re still funny as fuck. This is like my morning laughter vitamins.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:02 am
i want my 10 minutes back
May 14th, 2009 at 5:57 am
I fondly remember curling on the N64 version of Nagano Winter Olympics, actually. Takes a day to learn but a lifetime to master!
May 14th, 2009 at 5:56 am
God sucks, deal with it.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:55 am
All my ideas for Robocop and the Interpreter involve Robocop boning her with a 12″ platinum dong that he removes from his trap-door thigh and affixes to his glimmering metal codpiece.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:52 am
do you have to bash God in every one of your articals? even when it’s completely irrelivent.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:48 am
Seanbaby, I have been reading you since BadCandy was a new and funny site. You always crack me up.
You got a good gimmick. You got charisma.
Yo Plus… yes, I know it is just one of your formulaic rhetorical tricks, but no one paints it like you do.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:48 am
Meh.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:38 am
This clearly isn’t getting the attention it deserves. I mean, goddamn, Seanbaby had to play these games. Or at least watch people playing them. And for that, he’s a braver man then I.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:25 am
While funny, I think I felt a piece of my soul die from this. Don’t worry, seanbaby, I blame Nintendo.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:11 am
Hmm. Nope. Didn’t work for me.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:05 am
MRosendorf
You’ll have to get some friends first
May 14th, 2009 at 5:04 am
Hannah Montana eats the hearts of her enemies to gain their power. she hopes to one day travel back in time to eat her own heart thereby doubling her power instantly.
Hannah Montana is the only thing evil enough to survive such a paradox.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:57 am
do you think puppy trainer for the wii would be better? :maybedodgy:
May 14th, 2009 at 4:56 am
Christ, this was terrible. The seal means the game works, that’s all.
As if there’s never been a bad game before.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:50 am
Meh.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:46 am
First?
May 14th, 2009 at 4:46 am
I’ve read better Dan Brown novels than this.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:37 am
== SugarMommyMatch.Com == The first and largest mingle site for Mature women and men.Thousands of single members with real pictures are here waiting for you. Search for what you want, find more than you dreamed! Whether romantic or flirtation.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:34 am
So Nintendo has given up, huh? Well, that’s okay, because i’ve given up on them too.
Once they made a system that required me to get out of my seat and actually move around, that was it. All that work to play a driving or baseball game, i might as well go outside and do the real thing.