ONS stands for Official Nintendo Seal, the esteemed honor that Nintendo bestows its retail products. This is of course slightly downgraded from the previous honor, the Official Nintendo Seal of Quality. The new version is a refreshing, almost stupid disclosure of the product's lack of quality. It's like telling consumers, "If we felt right about describing this as good, we would." The Official Nintendo Seal, because "Look, guy. I'm going through a real messy divorce, and every morning I come to work to this huge pile of kids games. I don't really have time to try them all out. Maybe my wife's new teenage boyfriend does," doesn't fit on a sticker. Classic gamers know that even back when its games legally had quality, a lot of suck got through Nintendo's quality filters. Now, with all oversights on suck lifted, may God help your Nintendo. Bad video games are stealing money from the stupid faster than Amazing Sea Monkeys and magic candy bar salesmen combined. The actual numbers would astonish you, so instead here are two others: 12, seventy-umpleen*. * Novelty economic figures. In this installment of the ONS awards, I'm focusing entirely on the Nintendo DS. In a recent television campaign, glamorous celebrities are depicted enjoying quirky, fun games. Sexy Beyoncé giggling at Rhythm Heaven? When is the media going to show an accurate representation of the Nintendo DS? Where are the "normal" women with bad skin, healthy hips and gills struggling through a game based on the monster truck, Bigfoot, with their cloven pig hands? Take back the night! In the ONS Awards, each game will receive one to five Official Nintendo Seals in the categories of Graphics, Fun and Challenge. Many of these games were reverse engineered from market research based on how many copies they would sell to people who don't give a fuck if they're good or not, so the Graphics, Fun and Challenge will all be of poor quality. But remember, the Official Nintendo Seal never said anything about quality. So a high number of Official Nintendo Seals only means MORE not-quality. If you need an example, picture you're in a sack race. The sun in shining, the air is filled with laughter, and you score one ONS for winning the sack race, or five ONS's if you stay in one place and masturbate into your bag.
Writers often say that there are no bad ideas during brainstorming. Grey's Anatomy likes to extend that policy through the entire writing process until the actors are actually performing a scene about a doctor fucking a ghost or giving someone a feces transplant. Those, by the way, are real plot points. Women turn into lesbians, doctors were lizard doctors the whole time... you know, this could be a really good game!
Like the show, the game centers around boning people in a hospital. The dreamy men and nutbar slut-women are CGI'ed as realistically as possible which might have been a mistake. It ends up creepy. It feels like you wandered onto a crime scene where a talented but insane man made a lifesize Grey's Anatomy cast out of mannequins to watch him kill teen runaways. Hold on, let me try to sum this all up in case the re-release, Grey's Anatomy: Platinum Edition, wants a box quote: "Sexy... You'll feel like you're interacting with a murderer's mannequins!"
All I needed was 30 seconds to realize this was the Game of the Year. My, no bullshit, first challenge was to coerce Patrick Dempsey into sex. It gave me a choice between "Play Hard to Get" and "Be Flirtatious." So I picked "Be Flirtatious," put together a three-piece puzzle of Ellen Pompeo using my knowledge of where chins and eyes go on human faces, and did it.
My next goal in the game is to trace a circle to get Meredith to kiss Patrick Dempsey. I'm good at video games, so I do. Long and hard. And now Patrick Dempsey is giving me some speech about starting a relationship with me. He can't keep chasing me like this! What is this I'm feeling? Oooh, my inner woman is so going to town on herself. God, just look at me! I feel like a celebrity judge at a Phil Collins dicks-in-the-mouth world record attempt!
I have a new pity if not respect for women and the depressing materials they're given to jerk off with.
I wouldn't be so insulting as to say that curling is the worst sport ever invented, but a gold medal in this event is so meaningless that if you send one in to Cash4Gold, they return it with a rejection letter. You play curling by shoving a stone down the ice while two people with brooms sweep in front of it. This video game simulation is painstakingly faithful to the proud tradition of cur- where am I? I fell asleep typing.
With these competent graphics, you can certainly tell you're curling. But given the nature of curling, that's like giving perfect eyesight to someone watching themselves starve to death over the course of many lifetimes. Bad graphics would have been more humane in this case.
Surprise: this isn't fun. But it's a sport known for the sheer spectacle of its boring pointlessness, so what did we expect? It would be... impossible... to make it fun, right? Well, let me tell you another story about the impossible. One day a group of yogurt executives decided to market a yogurt that makes you shit. Poop yogurt, for your generation. These yogurt men called themselves Yo-Plus and they needed a graphic designer that could draw a logo that visually said both "taking a shit" and "delicious."
You might as well design a logo that travels back in time to invent leprechauns and buy stock in George Foreman Grills. It's a task that's fucking impossible flying on a luck dragon. People don't want to hear about poop while they eat creamy, lumpy dairy food! But that genius graphic designer somehow did it. He or she drew some bubbles churning in a naked woman's belly that said bowel loosening and fruit flavor all at the same time, and in a world where that can be achieved, some dickhead should have been able to program at least one fleeting moment of fun into a game about curling.
There are some who appreciate the challenge of curling. They are broomed people who throw themselves into the delicate war that rages between low friction and shoves! Are you one? Well, these unique winter sports fans all have one thing in common: they were born to a mother who competed in mercury eating contests during her first through fourth trimesters. So please consult with your local genetic research lab before attempting this game or any other wildly retarded activity.
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