5 Insane Supervillain Schemes by Real Governments 5 Things Nobody Tells You About Breeding Endangered Animals 4 Lame Jokes You Start Telling as Soon as You Become a Dad
Cracked Columnists

Old Men Falling Up, Okies Getting Decked and Your Patented Childhood: The Daily Nooner!

Awesome Video Of The DayOld Man Falls Up An Escalator

I feel kind of bad about posting this. On the one hand, it's kind of mean-spirited to laugh at an old person falling up an escalator, but on the other hand, you know, people falling down is funny. Kurt Vonnegut once said that he thought people falling down was the funniest thing in the world, and he was a "Humanist" so I think that means it's okay to laugh at. Then again, guess how Vonnegut died earlier this year?

Yup - falling down.

At any rate, I'm really only posting this to demonstrate how FULLY it's possible to fall down. Not in terms of extreme heights or speeds (we've all seen videos of people face planting harder than this), but in terms of THOROUGHNESS. I've never seen a more drawn-out fall in my entire life. It takes an eternity.

Did he think it was going DOWN instead of up? If so, why was he trying to get on? That would've put him right where he wanted before he even stepped onto the escalator. Maybe there's no point in diagramming a SICK 360. Bottom line? It's funny when people fall down. End of story.


Failed Gadget Roundup"Brilliant" Gadget #2: Method of Swinging on a Swing

Remember how you used to "pull alternatively on one chain and then the other" while "on a standard swing suspended by two chains from a substantially horizontal tree branch"? Guess what? Your entire childhood was one big copyright infringement, and you owe an inventor named Steven Olson a hefty chunk of change.

Make no mistake, though: Steven Olson isn't patenting one specific model of swingset, or swingsets in general... Steven Olson is patenting the METHOD of swinging on a swing. If this is legally sound, I have a few other suggestions for patents that don't seem to be taken yet:

  • Method of Sliding Down a Slide
  • Method of Seesawing on a Seesaw
  • Method of Monkeying Around on the Monkey Bars
  • It's time to make money... one playground at a time.


    Wild CardThe Weirdest Animated GIF I've Ever Seen

    What the hell is this? A rough prototype for that ass kicking machine from a few days ago? If so, why did it take - oh, I don't know - 80 YEARS for the patent to finally get issued? And why is it punching out a bunch of unsuspecting Okies? They weren't asking for any trouble. They were just standing by the side of the road with their shovels, probably hoping to get some work. I'll tell you what they WEREN'T hoping for: to get punched in the face by a mechanical accordian fist shooting out the side of a Ford Model T.

    This has to be from an old-timey movie of some kind, and that makes me sad. Why don't they make movies with crazy mechanical accordian fists shooting out of moving vehicles and decking Okies anymore? American cinema has lost touch with its roots.

    • Random

    Recommended For Your Pleasure

    Ross Wolinsky

    • Rss

    More by Ross Wolinsky:

    See More
    To turn on reply notifications, click here

    4 Comments

    The Cracked Podcast

    Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

    The Weekly Hit List

    Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
    Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!