OJ's 'Acquittal Party' Planner: Worst Job Ever?
In the midst of all this political hoopla, important stories can often fall through the cracks. Important stories like the conviction of longtime murderer-at-large (or persecuted superstar, if that floats your boat) OJ Simpson, who faces life in prison for a complicated plot involving guns, sports memorabilia, and massive quantities of chutzpah. Chutzpah like planning an acquittal party for the day the verdict is to be read.
But as much as getting convicted on the thirteenth anniversary of his prior acquittal must have stung Mr. Simpson, it's important to remember one thing: his life wasn't the only one affected that fateful day.
When not writing for Cracked, Michael fucks shit up as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
I don't normally post to blogs but I neeeeeed you to take a quiz I made. I love your blog. One out of every four people I've given it to has loved it. Which Simpons character are you? Go to my website to take it.
Reply[...] OJ's 'Acquittal Party' Planner: Worst Job ever? [...]
ReplyBy far the BEST voice I
ReplyFrank, you make me laugh. I hope everything works out between you and Michael. You're right, Scott was never right for him.
ReplyDrink milk OJ kills.
ReplyPoor guy, I wish i could've gone to that party.
...is there supposed to be a video or something? I can't see anything...
ReplySwaim, while I might find you physically repulsive and a narrow-minded simpleton, I have to hand it to you: this is one of the funniest things I've seen since David Sedaris gave Fabio head at my birthday party.
ReplySeriously, this was amazing.
Swaim, I love you (though clearly not as much as Frank...), but there are many people waiting on confirmation of your being influenced by Tim and Eric. What gives? Fuck it; I don't care.
ReplyBy the way, I just realized I'm balding, too. Solidarity, comrade!
Oh hey, it's me again. Sorry if I came on a little strong there Mike. I didn't mean to leave so many messages on your article and your answering machine. Hope you don't think I'm "crazy" or anything lol.
ReplyCall me alright?
Alright, answer me this. Does Scott have pictures of your face printed out and stuck on his walls and some of the walls of his college? DOES HE?
ReplyHe doesn't get you like I do. He just doesn't.
Oh fuck that! Scott's website is just a load of crap lifted form Podge and Rodge. If you want to come to Ireland stay with me Michael. We're meant for each other. You've always been the best cracked writer in my eyes. I love you.
ReplyAgreed, metalbrainsurgery. I'll be relieved when the site goes back to not noticing anything that happened after 1997. I'm not cut out for all this caring.
Reply'... and then we'd wheel in the ice sculpture of Cocharn raping Lady Liberty' needs a mention, so I'm mentioning it.
ReplyThis reminded me of Tom Goes to the Mayor.
ReplyI don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I laughed so that's a plus.
There's a couch or two there for ya, Michael. Bring a friend. It'd be a pleasure.
ReplyMake sure to bring both your boozing and your canoodling hats though. The famous, nay, legendary Irish welcome is essentially just alcoholism and smoke and mirrors.
We'll swing out of a few loose women, have some cheap laughs, kill a hooker. I reckon you'd enjoy it.
All I can say about his possible life sentence is that it's about damn time. Remember not to drop the soap, Mr. Juice Man!
Reply"He soars with the hubris of a thousand eagles, on wings of feathers and wax, bold Icarus, ever towards the sun-"
And that is the moment when I lost my shit, in a strictly non-literal sense. Funny stuff, Swaim.
Scott,
ReplyI liked your joke about the vagina made of leaves. Your site is funny. i really want to come to Ireland. If I do, can I stay with you?
Michael
I think I love you, Michael Swaim.
Replyyour football metaphor was fantastic!
ReplyFYI It's tru tv now, not court tv.
Reply