It's been a long time since I last blogged about a small human interest story. Slowly but surely, my purview has come to encompass only the weightiest, grandest matters of the day: world politics, the machinations of our idols, and an alarmingamount of pornography.
So today I thought we'd take a break from important issues to laugh at a moron. I know Ross usually has this beat thoroughly covered, but as there is no video attached to this story about a guy getting robbed by a nude maid he hired on Craigslist, I figured it was time to step in.
The man in question waited until his wife was out of town and then, fulfilling every misogynist’s fantasy, trolled the personals section of Craigslist for a woman who would come and clean his house in the nude. I assume he tried and failed to find nude women to darn his socks, cook a pie, and plow his fields, and so had to settle for some light housekeeping.
But, my ducklings, it was a very different kind of cleaning out this ingnue had in mind. She got away with 40,000 dollars in jewelry, presumably after the man excused himself to use the bathroom for the ninth time that day.
And I say good. The moron deserved it, and not only because he’s a rich adulterous lecher. I say he deserved it because he’s dumb enough that the sexiest thing he can imagine paying a woman to do is clean his house naked.
In fact, maid service is probably the least sexy thing a woman can do nude, and that includes cleaning a barrel of sturgeon (I’ve seen it, and it’s sexy as all hell).
Sure, a nude maid sounds all cute and coquettish, but imagine the disgusting complications:
If you’ve got the money and lack of scruples, at least shell out for a nude woman to do something worthwhile. May I suggest any of the following for those looking to hire some Craigslist-approved vocational nudes:
See? All of those are sexier than Maid, and technically I only made up about half of them. Get with the program, jerk.
In closing, I’d like to thank Craigslist for their continued dedication in providing sexually retarded deviants enough rope to hang themselves for our general amusement. Keep up the good work, boys.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael provides nude mortuary services as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!