Like a frat boy after a long night of boasts and Jager Bombs, the HD-DVD format has been on pretty wobbly legs for the last little while, and experts predict that it’s only a matter of time before it finally gives up the ghost and collapses in a pool of it’s own vomit. Following the recent collapse in studio support for the format and Wal-Mart’s announcement last week that they’d no longer be stocking HD-DVD players, there’s little reason for HD-DVD enthusiasts to hope for a “puke and rally.”
Way back in 2006, one of my very first articles for Cracked actually examined the HD-DVD vs Blu-Ray war. This article was notable in that it came out a solid year before anyone anywhere actually cared about said war, and also because it was really stupid. Using absolutely no sensible reasoning at all, I declared that HD-DVD would win the war. I believe my line of reasoning could be summer up simply as: HD-DVD would win because Blu-Ray had a stupid name.
The admission that I’m an idiot shouldn’t come as a big surprise for any regular reader of this blog. I have as much business analyzing technology trends as an otter does maintaining aircraft engines. The only comfort I have in all of this is that if anyone is using my writings as a basis for their investments they’re even stupider than I am.
Anyways, to pad this post out a bit more, here’s a list of things you can do with the now-useless HD-DVD players I forced you to buy:
Prop up a table that has one leg about 2.5 inches shorter than the others.
Elevate anything by about 2.5 inches.
Keep it by your front door, to wipe your soiled shoes on.
As ballast for your clipper ship, or hot air balloon.
As a booster seat for a young child or elderly relative.
Set your drinks down on it so as not to leave condensation rings on something else.
Elevate one end of it with a brick, then jump a BMX off of it.
While making love, try placing it underneath your ladies hips for an exciting new variation on the missionary position.
Slide it in the front of your shirt to use as a makeshift bulletproof vest.
Put a wig on it, and use it to practice kissing.
Film yourself humping it and become the next big YouTube sensation.
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Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.
Last 5 posts by Chris Bucholz
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March 10th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Adrien Online Dating…
This post sounds familiar. It actually reminds me of some dating sites I joined. Haha. I don’t know about you folks, but that tickled…
March 8th, 2008 at 7:30 am
Selling Shoes On Ebay…
Want to take a look at my site, you will find it very interesting….
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:35 am
No, no, he means ‘ladies hips.’ Chris is a swinger.
Or he collects body parts.
February 21st, 2008 at 3:18 pm
I hope you meant “lady’s hips” because I ain’t gonna stand for anyone saying I have ladies hips!
February 20th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Even though I totally retroactively agree with your previous article, most of the people I’ve talked to think that Blu-Ray sounds better. Even though I fucking hate it. But I guess that speaks about the company I keep…
February 20th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Naturally, I always check out tall dating forums for the most current tech news.
I think if you’re asking about high definition DVD formats on a dating site… well, let’s just say the magic 8-ball thinks the outlook is not so good.
February 20th, 2008 at 3:19 am
Yes,There was no way Sony was losing this one. some girl said on a hot forum on ~~http://Tallmingle.com
February 20th, 2008 at 12:15 am
i seem to remember reading a cracked article waaaaay back when that said that blu-ray would win out in the end becuase it’s name explained to stupid people what they were buying: a dvd player, but with a blue laser. i could very well be wrong, but i have been using the “stupid people can identify it” reasoning whne advising less tech savvy family members what to invest in.
February 19th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
When I bought into High Definition about a year ago, I was prepared for the possibility of backing the losing format.
Bought myself a powerful computer and an XBox drive, reasoning that if HDDVD loses I can just add a Bluray drive (once they come down in price) and I’ve got myself a dual-format player.
Two years ago, if I had to pick a winner, I would *just* have edged HDDVD in front, because it’s cheaper to produce (would have thought that would get more studio-support) and was ready sooner than Bluray.
But, Toshiba seriously dropped the ball on marketing. Even their recent 2.7mil Superbowl spot was reportedly pathetic, and I think that, most of all, lost the format war.
Doesn’t much matter; I’m expecting to at least double my HDDVD collection in the coming firesales (another of the reasons I bought into a format, knowing it might lose) and that should keep me satisfied until about 2010 when Bluray releases a cheap drive.
February 19th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
if it helps, ithought hd-dvd would win too. it has a much better name. oh well. everyone with any intelligence waited till the “war” was over before buying. no offence, people who paid money for a format thatyou weren’t sure would be the standard.
February 19th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
There was no way Sony was losing this one. They were still pissed off about the betamax.
February 19th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
I’m gonna use mine for target practice. It’s not very aerodynamic, but even if I miss I imagine it’ll make quite the satisfying little mess when it lands.
February 19th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Whoa! Hold up! Nick is back?! THE Nick?!
February 19th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Or you could use them to watch HD DVDs. Go figure.
February 19th, 2008 at 9:03 am
It looks like the DIVX character in the Penny Arcade comic strip might get a significant other.
February 19th, 2008 at 8:41 am
Stupid advancing video technology. Now I’m gonna have to get rid of my betamax machine.
February 19th, 2008 at 8:33 am
Think of it this way. If you bought a PS3, now it has a use.
February 19th, 2008 at 8:24 am
It’s already collapsed into a pool of its (high definition) vomit because Toshiba just gave up making the things and let blu-ray win. They said “If we had continued, that would have created problems for consumers, and we simply had no chance to win.”
Although after saying that they also said that HD-DVD players would continue until the end of March, so I guess its ok to create problems for consumers when you still have to get rid of backstock.