Cracked Columnists

Now Hump the HD-DVD player!

humpingcocker.jpgLike a frat boy after a long night of boasts and Jager Bombs, the HD-DVD format has been on pretty wobbly legs for the last little while, and experts predict that it's only a matter of time before it finally gives up the ghost and collapses in a pool of it's own vomit. Following the recent collapse in studio support for the format and Wal-Mart's announcement last week that they'd no longer be stocking HD-DVD players, there's little reason for HD-DVD enthusiasts to hope for a "puke and rally."

Way back in 2006, one of my very first articles for Cracked actually examined the HD-DVD vs Blu-Ray war. This article was notable in that it came out a solid year before anyone anywhere actually cared about said war, and also because it was really stupid. Using absolutely no sensible reasoning at all, I declared that HD-DVD would win the war. I believe my line of reasoning could be summer up simply as: HD-DVD would win because Blu-Ray had a stupid name.

The admission that I'm an idiot shouldn't come as a big surprise for any regular reader of this blog. I have as much business analyzing technology trends as an otter does maintaining aircraft engines. The only comfort I have in all of this is that if anyone is using my writings as a basis for their investments they're even stupider than I am.

Anyways, to pad this post out a bit more, here's a list of things you can do with the now-useless HD-DVD players I forced you to buy:

Prop up a table that has one leg about 2.5 inches shorter than the others.

Elevate anything by about 2.5 inches.

Keep it by your front door, to wipe your soiled shoes on.

As ballast for your clipper ship, or hot air balloon.

As a booster seat for a young child or elderly relative.

Set your drinks down on it so as not to leave condensation rings on something else.

Elevate one end of it with a brick, then jump a BMX off of it.

While making love, try placing it underneath your ladies hips for an exciting new variation on the missionary position.

Slide it in the front of your shirt to use as a makeshift bulletproof vest.

Put a wig on it, and use it to practice kissing.

Film yourself humping it and become the next big YouTube sensation.

___ Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.

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