Iron Mic: Eli Porter Vs. Envy
It was a brisk autumn afternoon in 2003 and there I was, sitting at the Iron Mic Freestyle Battle at Chamblee High School in Atlanta. That was nothing out of the ordinary, though; Eli Porter and I were pretty tight back then, and Envy and Marv-O were always joking around with me. Envy would always ask me, “Who are you and why are you hanging out at our high school?” “Good one, my man!” I’d reply with a hearty laugh, holding my hand up for a high-five. Then Marv-O would say, “No, seriously - Envy, go get security in here,” and I’d point at my still-raised hand and say, “Don’t leave me hangin’, bro!” Then security would come and escort me off school property, knowing full well that I’d be back the next week and we’d do the whole thing all over again. That was like our little inside joke.
Anyway, I remember this particular day very clearly. It was a day or two after the judge told me I wasn’t allowed within 200 yards of Chamblee High School, and Eli Porter and I were sitting in the school cafeteria. Eli was working on some lyrics, but he seemed really nervous.
“If you’re nervous about battling Envy, don’t even sweat it,” I said. “You’re a way better rapper than he is.”
“I’m going to call security,” he said without even looking up from his notebook.
“This is no time for inside jokes,” I replied. “You need to get your head in the game if you’re going to beat this guy.”
“Dude, how old are you? Why are you always hanging out at our high school?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “The point is this: Envy is a total chump. Seriously - the guy is like Rosie O’Donnell at a bisexual bridal shower.”
Eli looked up at me wide-eyed, and starting scribbling furiously in his notebook. Emboldened I went on, spitting potentially awesome science to be dropped.
“Envy doesn’t even need to come out, because he’s already in a gay parade,” I said. “You’re the best, man - you did it.” Eli slammed his notebook shut, got up and went racing into the studio. He didn’t need to thank me, and the police were already dragging me out of the school, so it was kind of a moot point anyway.
I guess what I’m trying to say is this: It’s my fault that Eli Porter lost this rap battle. Do I feel good about that? Of course not, but you know what?
Nobody ever said the rap game was going to be easy.
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April 18th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
He name Envy and no wonda
N***a face turn green when I buss like thunda
Lil bitch run up with slaps and shin-kicks
Get dat ass sent home from da Special Olympics
PEACE
April 15th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Hell yeah, glenmoor42 is mentally handicapped, he’s half Scottish remember.
April 15th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Oops, I just read my comment. I actually meant to joke about glenmoor42 being black, but not about him being handicapped. That was my poor grammar. I’d never joke about him being handicapped. Not after he cried so much the last time. I laughed at him, and stole his crutch (or as we call her, Mrs. glendoor42).
April 15th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Geez, John, we’re at least used to cora’s level of weird, Engrish enthusiasm. It kind of ruins the fun of ridiculing you if you just come out and ask us to join directly. Could you at least pretend to be a rapper, black, or handicapped (like Eli or glenmoor42)?
April 15th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Would you like to join in ~~TALLHUB.C om ???
April 15th, 2008 at 7:04 am
Really Birdie? Too first person?
For me there was too loose a narrative structure, not enough characterisation and just way too much sophomoric references that don’t appeal to a broad enough readership.
Tsk, it’s almost like Ross Wolinsky wasn’t even trying to write a novel, and that’s boring.
April 15th, 2008 at 6:58 am
Ha, ha! He’s retarded! Congratulations on that Webby nomination, by the way.
April 15th, 2008 at 1:39 am
Yeah, Birdie? Why don’t YOU write your own comedy blog?
April 15th, 2008 at 1:33 am
These blog articles are getting too first person, it’s boring.
April 15th, 2008 at 12:40 am
the kenyan dELIght if he was from kenya
April 15th, 2008 at 12:11 am
“Seriously, his rhyme was better, or “doper,” than Envy’s. What would Eli’s rap name be though?”
Eli Special K
April 14th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
What? Gay sex is apart of gangsta rap. It’s just a given…
April 14th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
No one else has brought this up…didn’t anyone notice how touchy the host was getting with the judge in the middle?
April 14th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
funny. I have seen this video on marrymillionaire.com. There are many hot interesting video on that club.
April 14th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
LMFAO! that’s funny.
April 14th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Aww but the Pringles can singing jump around by House of Pain is kinda cute… I’d hit it, but it probably wouldn’t fit, you know, ’cause I’m such an endowed man. I fucking hate the whistling enzyte song.
April 14th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
DOB. I knew that was wrong as i was typing it, but it sounded good and I didn’t think anyone would catch on. And remember, for every shred of rap cred you gain for your partial blackness, you lost three fold for your Irishness. (House of Pain.)
April 14th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
That’s not how I heard it Dan O… in fact I heard they called you D.O.B or Dirty ol’ Bastard.. You got arrested for exposing yourself to unwed teenage mothers with polio..
in fact, you’re still await trial for 3 out of the 6 charges.. I saw the special on court TV.
April 14th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Best rap battle ever: Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZbbxA8a_M_s
April 14th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
JT, if I hadn’t retired from the game along time ago, I would wipe the floor with you. I’m a legend in the underground rap scene. A child prodigy, “Statutory Rap,” they called me.
April 14th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Who want to BBBBBattle Rapppppp meeeee?
April 14th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
It would appear there is a fine line between looking like a 2008 rapper and looking retarded, and I’m not sure any of these fine gentlemen are on the right side of it.
April 14th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
the writing is actually funny today, is it opposite day? just kidding! or am i?
April 14th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
I nearly shit a brick when Gladstone came out with that Starsky line. You should give thought to rapping Gladstone, fuck DOB he doesn’t know what hes talking about, he like Rosi O’Donnel at a bisexual bridal shower
April 14th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Sadly I think Eli can take me in a rap battle, and in a fist fight. He would then take my woman make sweet monkey love to her, and buy my mother’s house to evict her.
Eli is true gansta !!!
April 14th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Christ, Gladstone, Starsky was the driver. For this reason, (as well as many others), you would make a terrible rapper.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Wow, i actually watched the video.. And i must say, even as a white, and i mean WHITTTEEE jew, i could completely school these fools. Fo sho.. Oh and someone play holy diver under this, i swear it sounds amazing.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Really, Ross? I’m thinkin’ you should have gone with “I drive like Hutch and punch like Starsky.”
April 14th, 2008 at 11:26 am
This seems very O’brien-esc in its style
April 14th, 2008 at 11:23 am
DOB: I know hindsight is 20/20, but the obvious choice should have been “Charles Barkley.”
April 14th, 2008 at 11:22 am
I think this has been your most bizarre blog so far, Ross. You just needed a priest somewhere along that story and now we’re talking.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:21 am
and for the record Eli said freakin, I heard him.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:19 am
I would near about pay to see Eli rap some more. He was robbed in that competition.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:18 am
About two years ago when Ross was in his rapping prime, I would frequently watch him spit fire in various underground rap establishments. So, from someone who attends a lot of rap battles, I can tell you- this was a remarkably uncomfortable one. I mean, Ross has had some awkward moments, (in the semifinals of a competition in 2003, he couldn’t think of a good rhyme for “malarkey,” so he got nervous and stabbed his opponent), but that stuff was nothing compared to this.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Is freestyle rap in the Special Olympics now? Why didn’t anyone tell me?
Seriously, his rhyme was better, or “doper,” than Envy’s. What would Eli’s rap name be though?
April 14th, 2008 at 11:04 am
Tard rap is sweeping the nizzation !!!
April 14th, 2008 at 11:04 am
I am completely lost on this, but i do find it odd that an old guy couldn’t go into a high school and become a mentor to a minority youth, it always happens in the movies.