Nigerians Knows A Good Business Model When They See One: The Friday Nooner (EST)!
Evil Altar Trailer (Nigerian Movie)
I think I understand how Nigerian email scams work: If you send out enough emails promising enormous fortunes to anyone with an American bank account, eventually someone is going to fall for it, you're going to make a little profit, and this in turn will allow you to invest even more money into annoying the living shit out of every single person who uses the internet. Seems simple enough, right?
Enter the the Nigerian film industry, which, thanks in part to cheap video technology, has grown in recent years to become the third largest in the world behind the USA and India, and is known primarily for putting out a prodigious amount of horrible, low-budget films. I'll admit that a lot of these movies don't look so hot, but Evil Altar might be a mind-blowingly amazing exception to the rule. (Not to mention King Of My Village and Baby Police 2.) Although a lot of the words in this trailer sound like gibberish to me, I did manage to take this much away:
"Every fourteen years, this shrine must receive human head. If not, the oracle go vex and men and women gon' die mysteriously."
That's great and everything, but I don't see what's so "mysterious" about the men and women dying. I haven't even seen this movie yet, but it's still pretty obvious that they're dying because the shrine hasn't received human head. Oh - and the oracle has gone vex. It's not exactly rocket science.
This movie looks totally sweet, but most of the others really do look like complete & utter garbage. Can somebody please explain to me how Nigeria has built a multi-billion dollar film industry with this crap? There can't possibly be that many people buying these movies, right? It just doesn't make sense!
Oh well - it's probably best not to ponder these unanswerable questions. As for me, I'm out - I'm gonna go order my copy of Evil Altar at izognmovies.com! They make ordering a breeze - all you need to do is fill in your name, address, social security number and all of your personal financial information.
This is gonna be awesome!
This comment might be so awfully belated but i'd like to put here anyway.
ReplyLet me say that I laughed for nearly an hour after seeing this and I do not even have any adverse comment on this piece and all the comments so far, despite the fact that as a Nigerian, I sometimes think that some of them are quite unfair.
But let me say that I think Wollinsky is wrong in his bleeding assumptions on why the Nigerian movie industry has moved on to become the third largest movie industry behind the Us and India- its not for what you might call 'cheap' film technology because these days, Nigerian movies employ the kind of technology that you can find anywhere in Europe at least. This is a fact!
I must say anyway that this is rippy and prick-my-teeth-for-me kind of article on the Nigerian movie industry.
Chigozie.
obviously you stick your penis in it.
ReplyNice site and fine content
ReplyHey, don't knock him. I think he's the voiceover guy they use for the Crazy Discount Larry Electronics Superstore commercials who shouts at you for 30 seconds.
ReplyI was expecting the narrator to say "I dun know whut this is talking about, I have ENOUGH WITH THIS FILM!!"
ReplyAnd then the sounds of a chair being turned over.
Because...sequels is exactly the point. Huh?
ReplyThat is the best trailer I've ever seen I just know that this trailer will be remixed into a rap and when it does I'll die a happy man.
ReplyI would like to point out that like our own Hollywood, Nollywood is apparently obsessed with sequels.
Replyi swear it took me a good 30 seconds to realize the narrator was speaking english... sort of.
Reply"Wit dem want to sleep with pregnant woman"
ReplyThat line alone makes me want to see the film.
Dammit, Swaim's right. They do say someone's goin' vex in Baby Police 2. I'm going to suffer from catchphrase overload at this rate, between expensive hats, goin' vex and whatnot.
ReplyStill, I'm going to try and find out what other movies Larry Koldsweat's been in. I'm a fan just because of his name.
THOSE VERY BITS were part of the 3 hours I surrendered to the site! I've never laughed so hard in my life. Well, maybe one or two other times I've laughed like that, but watching those 2 buffoons attempt to do British slapstick was one of the highlights of my internet-surfing year.
ReplyWait. You can put PICTURES in the COMMENTS?
ReplyThese are actually two different facial expressions, I guess, but you have to admit that they both kinda kick ass.
ReplyUh-oh, Miguel Swaimo's goin' vex.
ReplyI swear to Baal the Baby Police 2 trailer also had something "goin' vex" in the narration. Someone back me up on this.
ReplyIf we learn nothing from Nigerians (apart from what it looks like to run very fast marathons), we need to replace our deep voice movie trailer guy with a yelling crazy Kenyan occasionally accompanied with lightning bolts. I would see any movie endorsed by the yelling crazy Kenyan occasionally accompanied with lightning bolts.
ReplyIt's a bold directorial choice to use multicolored Comic Sans for your title. Kudos.
ReplyThere was an actor name Larry Koldsweat in Evil Altar, unless I am very much mistaken. The cake was taken by the title logo for Evil Altar, along with the cheap thundercrash sound effect. It's sad that there's apparently a multi-billion dollar industry out there making movies as watchable than anything I could put together, and I'm not getting my cut.
ReplyI think I'm going to move to Nollywood and become a big-time (or at least medium-time) movie tycoon. Or a movie mogul. Which is bigger?
(I remember when my ex-wife went vex, my bank account died mysteriously.)
Thanks for the link. I'm ordering my copy of "Church Prostitute" right now!
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