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New Dane Cook Comedy Could Be Worst Reviewed Movie Ever

Tomato Meter

Dane Cook, the coked up Fraggle who took the comedy world by storm last year, has his first star vehicle coming out today. Since I'm a fan of comedy, seeing it ranks somewhere around taking a jog while holding in an immense dump on the list of things I want to do this weekend. But I've been closely monitoring its reviews on Rotten Tomatoes because I'm utterly convinced that this movie will end Dane Cook's career. I'm not saying that because of the Fuck Dane Cook sentiment that's been growing on the web over the past 12 months (the internet was fucking PSYCHED for Snakes on a Plane, and look where that movie landed).

But when I saw the previews for Good Luck Chuck at the beginning of the summer there were audible groans in the theatre, a bad sign since these folks would soon be laughing uproariously at a wise cracking Justin Long.

It wasn't clear what was wrong. The premise isn't any worse than your typical Farelly Brothers flick, Jessica Alba was showing dramatic range by wearing panties with a penguin over the pubic mound, and Dane Cook was doing his zany fist pumping thing. And then I noticed it: Dane Cook has Polar Express eyes. That is to say they are creepily dead, and incapable of conveying emotion.

See?

Polar Express performed horribly at the box office, presumably because children and adults alike were terrified of characters that were supposed to be cute and empathetic. Well, Chuck is a romantic comedy, which means it relies on it's male lead to be charismatic (it's why Luke Wilson's romantic comedies suck and Hugh Grants are awesome). When a charismatic actor won't take no for an answer in his pursuit of a woman, it's chivalrous. When someone with the cold dead eyes of a video game character won't take no for an answer, he's going to remind you of a serial rapist. The Tomatometer is hovering at 3% right now, which would make it the worst reviewed movie of the year. I'm setting the over-under for the weekend Box Office at $10 Million and taking the under. Good luck indeed.

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