New Column! Holy Shit!
Editors Note:
Word Puncher is the first new column since we launched this section of the site, but its author should be familiar to you by now. Robert Brockway has been punching words into Cracked feature articles since last October, when he faced down a surly gang of over 3,000 words about 80s rock, and left them in a bloodied heap of groans called The 10 Most Terrifyingly Inspirational '80s Songs. Since then he has beat the sass out of words on topics from creepy robots to martial artists who make him sad.
Check back tomorrow for his first post as a Cracked Columnist. It's about all the creative ways science is working to make you better at getting drunk, and it just might make your mind crap its brain pan.
I am really excited for this new column!
ReplyCareful Brockway, working at Cracked commonly Results in a case of over-sexeditis, and contact with them can result in chronic dicksplosions.
Replyfantasy macintosh bingo...
Replydistorted enumerate!raiser hoop feverish.redeclares ...
Wow Metal, way to steal my shit. I totaly said "Brock me Amawayus" before you, and I made mine more pun-ish.
Reply@MJ -89: Actually I was the one obsessed with Gladstone's man-pelt.
Reply@greengoddess: "Every Mommy I know is on SOMETHING even if it’s just caffeine and sugar and soft core romance novels." GET OUT MY HEAD.
Kidding. I used to smoke pot too...until the kids went mobile. Once they start to toddle about, I found them to be kind of a buzz-kill. Sorry to be a downer but I wanted to prepare you for that possibility. The good news is that coffee and romance novel addictions are far more affordable.
I say that as a person who remembers when dime bags used to be $10-$15(depending on quality), "homegrown"= sucky pot and "panama red" actually came from Panama. Anybody out there remember Thai-sticks?
@Robert: "Dickies" *snicker
I think Kingmonkey has a fetish for talking about pelts...
ReplyDon't worry, greengoddess. I have no plans of dropping out of school, and I'm currently trying to get a job, so I can't do drugs anymore. I really didn't do it that much, even before I was job hunting.
ReplyJ-Pappi, "thuggish teen hooligan"? You serious? I'd describe myself more like "unusual nerd," because I'm kind of nerdy, but lack the stereotypical nerd things like World of Warcraft, small, weak frame, pocket protector, virginity, etc...
Oregano lumberjacks don't need shirts as their thick, luxurious pelt keeps them warm. He will be a fine replacement for Gladstone.
ReplyI must have missed the lumberjack memo, someone get me an axe and help me find a new flannel as mine is too cold for this climate without the sleeves.
Reply"He is the Lorax; he speaks for the trees!" (there's a tree/broccoli reference thingie in there somewhere).
ReplyDP13, her son isn't some thuggish teen hooligan such as yourself; she just said he wears diapers. So either he's retarded, or he's still eating Gerber carrots in which case she won't eat... You know what? I'm high, and those actually sound like they might be pretty good with some extra salt and coarse ground pepper... Stay away from his food, GreenGoddess! Unless running out forces you to breast feed and we get streaming video out of the deal.
Not supposed to get high when you have kids? Every Mommy I know is on SOMETHING even if it's just caffeine and sugar and soft core romance novels. The Stoner Mommies I know are the most fun. (and don't kid yourselves, we are Legion)
ReplyWait. DP13 - aren't you a young 'un? If that's the case, then stay in school and don't do drugs.
@Brock: You had me at Lumberjack.
i'm just so excited sir!
Replygreengoddess, haven't you ever listened to Katt Williams? You're not supposed to get high when you have kids. You might eat all their cereal or something.
ReplyThanks for the kind words of welcome/genital-related threats, all.
ReplyGladstone,
I'm replacing Roeder?! Does that...does that mean I'm fired already?
lbh, greengoddess,
I don't think I've ever actually worn a shirt. I'm from Oregon, land of the lumberjack, and we're all too busy chopping down trees in naught but our Dickies and beards to purchase and wear your fancy torso coverings.
Robert Brockway is a madman! He also happens to be an absolutely hilarious and potent writer, who will have you laughing your ass off uncontrollably. I am very excited to see a regular column by him posted on this website and you should be too. I am not just saying this because we happen to be great friends or because he recently reminded me of a three month stint where I actually enjoyed scotch whiskey far more than I can bear to recall; I am saying it because it is true. Kudos to you Mr. Brockway... indeed.
ReplyYeah! Dick Jokes!
ReplyI don't know who you are. I will read your article.
ReplyI can always go for more Brockway, whether he's punching words or fighting robots.
ReplyI'm delighted that you've got a column here. Congrats, good sir.
Ibh you read my mind. New guy? Take off your shirt please.
ReplyAnd on a more serious note: Welcome to my Monkeysphere. I am an overeducated stoner Mommy who gets high and reads Cracked while my son naps. This website (sad as it may be) is an adult comedy oasis for me in the middle of a day filled with sticky hands, baby talk and diapers full of human shit.
Thank you in advance for contributing to my mental health.
"...Sure they cry and lament how no one could ever replace Lex or G-Spot or what-ever..."
Reply