As some of you may know I recently signed a contract with Cracked that ensures additional episodes of Hate By Numbers for the next few months. But that agreement was only reached after some fairly intense negotiations. And while Cracked has bound me to a draconian contract more suitable to some sort of Dickensington indentured servitude than a blogging career, I was able to score some points. Here are the three contractual riders that I negotiated:
- No matter how little Gladstone is paid, Cracked agrees it will always pay Michael Swaim less.
- Cracked will demand that Dan O’Brien devote part of his columns to building up Gladstone’s facebook friends.
- While Cracked will never confirm or deny that Ross Wolinsky is the Zodiac Killer, it agrees to never disclose to him where Gladstone lives.
So anyway, since this series began I wanted to do one on Nancy Grace. She had been my white whale, and every week I started my search for clips with her. This week I finally found something suitable. Nancy in all her sanctimonious glory. Of course, the problem with using Grace footage is my only comedic response is usually — “man, you suck.” — which can be pretty funny if delivered with clown nose and rainbow wig, but just doesn’t cut it for HBN. At least former Cracked blogger Ian Cooper –who does all the HBN photoshops– came through again this week.
Gladstone wants to be your special friend. Check out some more of his stuff HERE. And while you may already be his Facebook friend, have you joined the club that all the kids are talking about?
Last 5 posts by HBN
- CNN Thinks Gift Cards Are Complicated (or Contest Winners, Rankings and preparing for the end) - November 17th, 2008
- Twilight Looks Like Crap (or Announcing the Hate By Numbers Contest) - November 10th, 2008
- Japanese Cat Saves Local Economy (Or What Would Hate By Numbers Look Like Without Hate) - November 3rd, 2008
- Marcia Brady Has More Problems Than You'd Imagine (If you imagine that fictional characters are real) - October 27th, 2008
- What if WalMart Made a Movie (or Jack O'Brien works for a living) - October 20th, 2008
September 21st, 2008 at 9:43 pm
The HBN itself was pretty good, but the Zodiac thing had me laughing uncontrollably for several minutes. Maybe it’s because I just finished reading all the subsequent blogs, with people continuing to insinuate Ross’s involvement with ritual killings, but I was in stitches. Oh man, made my day.
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:16 am
Here the wiki on it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Everclear_(alcohol) One time a few of us were drinking it in a parking lot before we went in some where and we had mixed it by pouring out half a bottle of some fruit punch and filling up the rest of the bottle with everclear.
Well back then 16oz drink like coke and pepsi had styrofoam wrappers around then and in the process of mixing the everclear in our bottles we spilled the shit all over the styrofoam and it ate through the styrofoam and tranfered the dyes on the wrappers to our hands, which sitting in the dark in the car we proceeded to get the dyes on our faces.
It was pretty embaressing when we got in the bar with red and blue dye all over our faces.
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:05 am
The sale shit here called everclear and clear springs that, when I drank it, was 190 proof.
September 1st, 2008 at 8:52 am
I found a picture online of the label, for anyone interested.
http://www.like-honey.com/blog/2006/11/26b.jpg
September 1st, 2008 at 8:14 am
We can talk about Kool-Aid and liquor all in the same conversation. It’s called “jungle juice,” and as far as I know it’s only staple ingredients are booze, and something liquid that isn’t milk or water. It’s a common concoction found prepared inside coolers college campuses nationwide. Since you’re really only going to find this at parties where people don’t have much money to invest in their drink, you’ll get the cheap shit liqor and generally a lot of Kool-Aid.
I’m not allowed to make it anymore because I would put this vodka in it called “Devil’s Springs.” I’ve only ever seen it at one liquor store–and I’ve been in quite a few up and down the eastern seaboard–but it tastes like rubbing alcohol and is cheap like no one’s business.
The main reason it tastes like rubbing alcohol is because it’s 160 proof…it says right on the bottle not to drink it straight, and suggests cutting it at least half-way with water.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Beer and liquor, though, now Kool aid and Mt. Dew are fast moving up the list. Also I would say just a vet, I did my job and regardless of my past profession, I am a super nerd, always have been.
Nerds are everywhere, hell half the damn Air Force are nerds, a good part of the Navy, a little less in the Army and the Marines, well….. not so much, though I’m sure there are some. Drew Carey is a former Marine so there you go.
August 30th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Drink Kool Aid or liqour? Its so funny hearing you talk because Cracked strikes me as a website for nerds like myself and here you are, a hrdened vet who used to drink and may or may not have killed a man.
August 30th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
I like Fruit Punch, I don’t drink anymore anyway. Though I have drank enough in my life to float a fucking battleship.
August 30th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
I think we should discuss our favorite flavoof kool aid so I am able to participate!
August 30th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Nancy Grace looks like she is in drag and I am sad to say I am unable to continue this duiscussion of liquor for I am underage…
August 30th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
This one wasn’t so good. You were reaching a bit. I think you wanted to do one on her a little too much.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:52 am
The only rum I’ve had is an Aussie brand called Brundebear, which is quite peppery when drunk with coke.
A friend of mine brought back a bottle of rum back from Spain, called Black Death, which more or less looks like a bottle of liquified tar.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:41 am
I’m not really one for SoCo, my brother loves it though. It’s nice because we never have to worry about one drinking the other’s booze. He’s a whiskey/bourbon (and SoCo) guy, and I’m a rum/vodka/gin guy.
We both love Jagermeister too much to keep it in the house though–none of the bills would ever get paid.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
“Sargeant, I more or less shotgunned half the bottle of Southern Comfort without stopping, then went into someone else’s garden (it was at a party) and promptly vomited.
Chalk it up to a life learning experience.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Some Alexander the Great thing if I remember correctly.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Have Adam West and William Shatner ever been in the same show or movie? Imagine the layers of ironic enjoyment you could get out of that! Thick, sweet, creamy layers of irony like fudge filling in a moist delicious cake frosted with marshmallow icing.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:36 am
I always pictured glendoor42 as a William Shatner type fellow.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Someone I know drinks JD with lemonade, they should be expelled from the Earth for their fucking idiocy and disrespect.
Sargeant, I more or less shotgunned half the bottle of Southern Comfort without stopping, then went into someone else’s garden (it was at a party) and promptly vomited.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:04 am
Leia(husky/lab) and Peachie(silky terrier) got in a fight this morning and the process of breaking it up, Peachie bit the shit out of my hand. At least it wasn’t Leia, that would have hurt.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:58 am
whats with all the name changes?
August 28th, 2008 at 9:35 am
I just don’t think audiences are ready for a You that looks like You. We need someone with more sex appeal, and that means we need someone more Adam West-esque.
Also, I applaud your dog named Elvis. That’s awesome. I’m a fan of early Elvis, like the original Sun recordings.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
and my other three dogs are named Leia, Peachie Poo and Elvis ( he is not a hound dog he is a poodle).
August 27th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Southern Comfort is something that I know quite a bit about too. I can be drank straight from the bottle, just the first two or three drinks are kind of rough. Then it becomes kind of like a real sweet cough medicine.
Contrary to popular belief, some people anyways, it is not a bourbon, it is a liqueur,but it is pretty much a liqueur in name only, seeing how it is 80 proof. For you brave souls out there, there is a 100 proof version that has a green label.
Me, a bottle of green label SoCo and a toilet had a very long and meaniful night once long ago.
@ kingmonkey, fire zombie devil, The dog’s name is Vader and I do not look like Adam West.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Or so he says. I prefer to think of him as a wanderer, a war-torn soldier wandering America, righting wrongs wherever he goes. Drifting from town to town, he wins the hearts of those he meets. He fights crime with the aid of his trusty dog, Shep, who also served in the war. You know, the dog war.
He’s kind of like a one-man A-Team, but he plays guitar. He has a flinty stare, like a young Charles Bronson, and a stony face, like a young Adam West. I’m writing a theme song for his upcoming series. It’s gonna be twelve different kinds of awesome with a little kick-ass sprinkled on top!
August 27th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
josie the sergeant is from Alabama.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Early on in life, I learned that cream soda does not mix with Canadian Club. Nor does Jack Daniels go well with unsweetened cranberry juice.
August 27th, 2008 at 7:37 am
“I found out it’s much cheaper and less fattening to just drink straight liquor.”
Halleleujah! Except don’t make my horrific mistake in thinking just because Southern Comfort is sweeter with Coke than JD means it’ll be sweeter straight too. Straight whisky doesn’t have a concept of forgiveness or mercy.
You know you’ve had a bad night when your vomit has chunks in it.
August 27th, 2008 at 7:19 am
Glendoor–I used to be the exact same way, and it’s actually how I got this name. All my friends call me 12 Pack even though I rarely drink beer anymore. I found out it’s much cheaper and less fattening to just drink straight liquor.
Smiles
August 27th, 2008 at 4:04 am
Right on. It’s addicting. Why are you up? You’re a Georgia resident (I think I read you moved there)..it’s frickin’ late man.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:52 am
Yes, it can happen on anyones blog, about anything.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:11 am
Good. I’m glad to hear that. Any good stoolie knows proper bar etiquette. By the way, is all this crazy commenting (DOB’s blog) normal?
August 26th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
No, the ten dollars was not counting the tip. For a long time in my life I did not even consider six beers drinking, pretty much had to above 12 beers for serious drinking to commence.
But I always took good care of my waitresses and bartenders and trust me, at the rate that I drank those nickels would add up pretty quick.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
@Glendoor: so what you’re saying is you’re a really good tipper, eh? As a former bartender, I would have loved to have you sit at my bar, throwing me nickels.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
I drank the hell out of it once upon a time, a bar I frequented had bud longnecks for .50 cent a bottle. I could get wasted on like ten dollars.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Well thank you greengoddes, I indeed do not drink buttweiser.
August 26th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Yeah, thank god I live in Alabama, we don’t have those kind of people or problems.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
The whole point of the state of Georgia is to make the people from Florida look good in comparison. So thank you.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Metalbrainsurgery,
I do love Georgia. I love the weather, the plants, the wildlife, the countryside. HOWEVER, it really is not that difficult to make people from Georgia look bad.
Yes, there are many fascinating, brilliant souls here, but for every one of us, there are at least a hundred inbred, redneck, Budweiser-drinking fucktards.
Of course, I am including you and myself in the former category…
August 26th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
good one g-stone. I’ll digg it later.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:54 am
It’s obvious that at some point, journalists and editorialists crashed together. In a hilarious , Reese’s Peanut Butter cup-like melding of flavours, both occupations have now become one.
I’m always sad when I find out that people watch CNN for current events. Then I’m further saddened when they switch to FOX as an alternative.
Oh, and Bierfrau greengoddess? I’ve seen Gladstone shirtless– it’s everything you’ve dreamed and more. I’m proud to be his Facebook friend. DOB, on the other hand, routinely ignores my presence there. I have a strange internet odour, though, so I understand.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Eve 6= Radiohead for all I care.
But finaly someone who understands my utter contempt for nancy grace. Every single night when I come down stairs after practicing guitar, the tv has usualy been left on CNN and Nancy is on the tv being so smug that it hurts my soul. She makes the rest of us from Georgia look bad.
And does anyone else think that naming someone two names and then calling them by both names is also annoying. Especialy if you attach baby to it, as if there is another. “Baby John David” Ugh.
Anyway, sorry I havent been around for a while, my home computer is having issues and wont let me post.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Wait, that woman on Boston Legal is actually based on a real person? Does this mean there may be a real Denny Crane?
August 26th, 2008 at 9:24 am
I think Nancy Grace is actually Robert Redford in a wig. At least, all the same lighting and camera tricks are used on each.
Gladstone, my Darling, is it possible to make HBN longer? Or have a link to the entire original segment?
More Gladstone? Is this too much to ask?
And seriously, I thought you and DOB were going to be shirtless from now on.
August 26th, 2008 at 5:30 am
Oh, whaddya know. That is Radiohead. “Stop Whispering”, I think.
It was on their first album, which we all know pretty much sucked except for “Creep”.
August 26th, 2008 at 4:50 am
Hey we may be short but I have been trained to throw my upper body weight at tall people’s waists and legs.
If I do, just for you, I am going to scream “we are the Lollypop GUIIIIIIIIIILD!” before hurtling myself full force towards you.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:28 am
Nice classic Radiohead slap to the face of copyright laws.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:04 am
Gladstone, will we ever see a non-HBN post from you again? I enjoy HBN, but does its insane popularity mean we will never see a written post again?
August 25th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Change the song back. After enduring nearly three minutes of stupidity, the lilting tones of Morphine are needed to maintain one’s sanity.
August 25th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Glendoor:
1. I don’t even know what that is. I googled it and got a bunch of Wizard of Oz midgets so I’m guessing it’s a short joke, to which my clever response is “OH YEAH?!”
2. Maybe we will, and we will be the most powerful trio of short people the world has ever seen.
August 25th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Goddamn, I’m just way off my game today, I meant lollipop guild.
@Robot Jesus, There is no peering into the mind or motives of kingmonkey, robot space pirate.
August 25th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Does anyone else find it strange that Kingmonkey hasnt commened in his witty and sarcastic manner yet? I hope he isnt dead…
August 25th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
I loved the dramatic music that was playing during Nancy’s intense anecdote. Was that originally part of the show or did you edit that in to mock the over seriousness of it all? I think that I was one of the cool kids talking about that Gladstone Club. Just putting that out there and wishing luck on the next episode!
August 25th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Well I fucked that up, meant to say lollipop league.
August 25th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Yeah, you, he and PS Ross can form the lollipop together. Just kidding.
August 25th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
I didn’t know that song was Radiohead.
And I WILL go off and be DOB’s friend.
August 25th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
yes good one. I can’t stand anyone on headline news
August 25th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
I could have swore that end song was Kid Rock.
Nancy Grace is so hot.
August 25th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
radiohead you say? tom yorke is a whinny bitch anyways
August 25th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
eve 6 or not it still clashes with the morphine intro
maybe it’s just me but a little part of me died when i heard the eve 6 outro..it just stole a piece of my soul goddammit
August 25th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Anyone who doesn’t know that song at the end was Radiohead can go off and be DOB’s friend for all I care.
August 25th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
That was awesome G-dude! Best one yet I feel.
Just one question, why is this filed under the Iraq category? Does someone need to be fired?
August 25th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
you can set your spell checker to UK English
August 25th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
For those wondering, the song playing at the end is “Balls Deep” by nineties super-trio and Gladstone’s favorite band, Eve 6. It’s off one of their secret, unreleased albums, there’s only like eight copies in the world and Gladstone has six of them.
August 25th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Poorly satirical comedic battle/comedy for idiot bigots, tomatoe/tomato eh?
August 25th, 2008 at 10:15 am
Who would win the battle of the Olympians? Find out the winner in a celebrity death match between Michale Phelps and Usain Bolt. A comedic battle for the ages.
August 25th, 2008 at 10:01 am
I’m not pissed off, just a bit defensive (and maybe a little touchy cause it’s 1 am here and I’ve been working all day and am very, very tired). Although reading back my posts I do sound really pissed off and bitchy and for that I apologise as well.
However I have noticed that you, like me, refuse to give in to the evil spellchecker that prompts you to use a z in apologise. Go team Queen’s English! *high five*
August 25th, 2008 at 9:56 am
My former boss is Australian. He uses “mate” as much as the locals use “bruddah” or “bra”..
August 25th, 2008 at 9:51 am
It’s only really ever used in sports as a shortening of teammate, but it sounds much more fraternal.
And I do apologise if I’ve pissed you off with my generalisation.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:44 am
@ G-Stone.
Thanks for clearing that up. I seriously couldn’t figure out what was going on… I’m still slightly confused cause my clock says it’s 10:43 in New York but I can live with that. At least now that the black magic tricks have been revealed I can stop trying to figure it out long enough to sleep
August 25th, 2008 at 9:42 am
Glad to see you’ve got the greenscreening working better. Man I wish you could do HBN on a radio loudmouth my dad listens to up here in MA named Howie Carr. I can’t stand the bastard.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Well of course pay tv news is going to cheesy and retarded and, like I said, I just don’t like that you’ve made a huge generalisation about all Australian news because of that (esp when watching a news program most Australians probably wouldn’t bother with unless they had to). Have a go at Skynews like I have a go at CNN, not at every news show that comes out of my entire country. That’s all I’m saying.
I’ve no idea what you mean by the comment about using the word “mate”.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:36 am
This was posted accidentally on Sunday night sans video. Glendoor sent me a message. I fixed. It went live again 9 am. Monday morning eastern time. (That means east coast, MJ — like NY, Maine, Florida….)
August 25th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Scotland, but we don’t like to say Europe.
Europe makes us sound gay, makes our bum look big too.
MJ, I watched Sky News Australia, rather than the network news. I just like the informalness of calling two friends ‘mates.’
August 25th, 2008 at 9:29 am
I may be ahead in time but I did a thorough search and I don’t believe there is any country 12 hours behind America…. It’s not just right. BLACK MAGIC.
I’m guessing you haven’t watched much Australian news… I watch Australian news every night and while there may be a ‘fun’ story at the end it’s mostly quite serious. I don’t know how serious anyone in America takes CNN but I hope either the stories I see on the internet are few and far between or that it falls into the same category as “A Current Affair” or “60 Minutes” does here which is not taken by any of us as actually news rather than people that make up scandals for profit.
Either way we’ve already established that Australian news isn’t actually shown in America (or anywhere else, really) so I’m too tired to talk about it and slightly insulted at your generalisation in regards to all Australian news readers. At least I’m specific when I say this women is a moron.
Good video G-Stone. Goodnight everybody else.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Panzer, you’re in Europe, right?
August 25th, 2008 at 9:19 am
Wow.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:18 am
Oh MJ you Aussies and your forward-time mind-messing whatchamacallit. I’d shake my fist if I wasn’t already shaking with rage.
Australian news is the best news in the world, the newscasters find every stupid story utterly hilarious. I’d like to believe they’re not even pretending to laugh either.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:11 am
Her name is Shapelle Corby.
She traveled to Bali and was caught with like a kilo of marijuana in her boogie board bag. She has always denied it was here and there was a theory that it was put there by luggage handlers to be transported domestically and that they missed taking it out before her plane left the country (A lot of international flights go from Sydney and that’s where it was meant to be removed.) However the general consensus is that even if that is the case she’s a dickhead for not spending the $5 to get her suitcase shrink wrapped when traveling to a country with a drugs = death law. She was lucky not to be killed and since then it’s facts have been reveiled that makes most people believe she’s guilty anyway.
The big scandal was that shortly afterwards an Australian model was caught with ecstasy on her and in her system and was released after her rich boyfriend paid of the Balinese government.
… I’m rambling but yeah, this was a really huge deal in Australia because even though she’s most likely guilty our government was pretty much powerless to get her tried in Australia where she would have been given a MUCH more lenient sentence. Her life was ruined.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:02 am
Funny. And your so totally right. I did see an HBO documentary on the “Ganja Queen”..the chick from Australia who traveled abroad (frick, I forget where) and someone put weed, lot’s of weed, in her boogie board bag. She’s serving like 20 in..God. I forget.
But, yeah. I don’t get Australian news.
August 25th, 2008 at 8:56 am
@Josie.
No. And you don’t get Australian news shown in America. Put bluntly if something worth caring about is happening in America it’ll be shown on international news and vice versa. No country that I know of shows news programs from another country unless it’s on a less popular channel that makes a point to show foreign news. Even then it’s usually “Greek news”, “French news”, “Russian news” etc.
Besides, from what I’ve seen of CNN it’s not real ‘news’ anyway….
August 25th, 2008 at 8:50 am
Thank you, MJ. For the whole time confusion thing. I had it too. To those of you believing it’s still Sunday..four words of advice:
Put the bong down.
MJ: You don’t get CNN down under?
August 25th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Wait… Now I’m REALLY confused:
“This entry was posted on Monday, August 25th, 2008 at 8:00 am”
and then the first comment: “August 24th, 2008 at 8:30 pm”
What is this black magic?????
August 25th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Was she speaking hypothetically about her dead baby or did she actually neglect her child to death and proudly tell the public?
August 25th, 2008 at 8:41 am
… It’s not Sunday? Not only is it Monday night where I am but according to my trusty world clock it’s not Sunday where Gladstone is either; it’s Monday morning. Did I miss something here? I’m so effing confused. Which freaking city is the time on this website set to? (Tell me a city because your American time zones mean NOTHING to my Australian mind)
I laughed the entire way through this so I’m not sure why you expected people not to like it (although I’m sure those noobs at Digg.com will). I’ve never heard of this Nancy Grace chick before but I hate her. Her voice has the same effect on my brain as a dentists drill.
Oh and what’s with the new song? Now I’m actually going to have to download the old one to get my weekly fix… What was it called again?
<<<— This is a joke so there’s no need to cry.
Oh and FIRST. I deserve that first, I’ve been checking for this blog for hours and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to pretend I was here when it came up and not watching Boston Legal instead!
August 25th, 2008 at 8:38 am
the outro tune…very gay.
what happened to morphine?
August 24th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Who the hell is Dick Kensington?
August 24th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Nobody does, HickeryDickery, nobody does. But we endure.
August 24th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
But I don’t even LIKE Hate By Numbers… =[
August 24th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Ha! Wolinsky probably knows where you live, already. You should have saved that bargaining chip for an Eee PC (or whatever it is all the cool, ultra-mobile blogger kids want these days).
Sucker.
August 24th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
A blog post on Sunday? How cool is this!!!!!
August 24th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
that’s really not saying anything for Nancy Grace. Most things are better than a baby murderer.
Regular murderers, for example.
August 24th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
A blog post on a Sunday? What is this faggotry?