Nancy Grace: Better Than A Baby Murderer
As some of you may know I recently signed a contract with Cracked that ensures additional episodes of Hate By Numbers for the next few months. But that agreement was only reached after some fairly intense negotiations. And while Cracked has bound me to a draconian contract more suitable to some sort of Dickensington indentured servitude than a blogging career, I was able to score some points. Here are the three contractual riders that I negotiated:
- No matter how little Gladstone is paid, Cracked agrees it will always pay Michael Swaim less.
- Cracked will demand that Dan O'Brien devote part of his columns to building up Gladstone's facebook friends.
- While Cracked will never confirm or deny that Ross Wolinsky is the Zodiac Killer, it agrees to never disclose to him where Gladstone lives.
So anyway, since this series began I wanted to do one on Nancy Grace. She had been my white whale, and every week I started my search for clips with her. This week I finally found something suitable. Nancy in all her sanctimonious glory. Of course, the problem with using Grace footage is my only comedic response is usually -- "man, you suck." -- which can be pretty funny if delivered with clown nose and rainbow wig, but just doesn't cut it for HBN. At least former Cracked blogger Ian Cooper --who does all the HBN photoshops-- came through again this week.
Gladstone wants to be your special friend. Check out some more of his stuff HERE. And while you may already be his Facebook friend, have you joined the club that all the kids are talking about?
The HBN itself was pretty good, but the Zodiac thing had me laughing uncontrollably for several minutes. Maybe it's because I just finished reading all the subsequent blogs, with people continuing to insinuate Ross's involvement with ritual killings, but I was in stitches. Oh man, made my day.
ReplyThe sale shit here called everclear and clear springs that, when I drank it, was 190 proof.
ReplyBeer and liquor, though, now Kool aid and Mt. Dew are fast moving up the list. Also I would say just a vet, I did my job and regardless of my past profession, I am a super nerd, always have been.
ReplyNerds are everywhere, hell half the damn Air Force are nerds, a good part of the Navy, a little less in the Army and the Marines, well..... not so much, though I'm sure there are some. Drew Carey is a former Marine so there you go.
Drink Kool Aid or liqour? Its so funny hearing you talk because Cracked strikes me as a website for nerds like myself and here you are, a hrdened vet who used to drink and may or may not have killed a man.
ReplyI like Fruit Punch, I don't drink anymore anyway. Though I have drank enough in my life to float a fucking battleship.
ReplyI think we should discuss our favorite flavoof kool aid so I am able to participate!
ReplyNancy Grace looks like she is in drag and I am sad to say I am unable to continue this duiscussion of liquor for I am underage...
ReplyThis one wasn't so good. You were reaching a bit. I think you wanted to do one on her a little too much.
ReplyThe only rum I've had is an Aussie brand called Brundebear, which is quite peppery when drunk with coke.
ReplyA friend of mine brought back a bottle of rum back from Spain, called Black Death, which more or less looks like a bottle of liquified tar.
"Sargeant, I more or less shotgunned half the bottle of Southern Comfort without stopping, then went into someone else’s garden (it was at a party) and promptly vomited.
ReplyChalk it up to a life learning experience.
Some Alexander the Great thing if I remember correctly.
ReplyHave Adam West and William Shatner ever been in the same show or movie? Imagine the layers of ironic enjoyment you could get out of that! Thick, sweet, creamy layers of irony like fudge filling in a moist delicious cake frosted with marshmallow icing.
ReplyI always pictured glendoor42 as a William Shatner type fellow.
ReplySomeone I know drinks JD with lemonade, they should be expelled from the Earth for their fucking idiocy and disrespect.
ReplySargeant, I more or less shotgunned half the bottle of Southern Comfort without stopping, then went into someone else's garden (it was at a party) and promptly vomited.
Leia(husky/lab) and Peachie(silky terrier) got in a fight this morning and the process of breaking it up, Peachie bit the shit out of my hand. At least it wasn't Leia, that would have hurt.
Replywhats with all the name changes?
ReplyI just don't think audiences are ready for a You that looks like You. We need someone with more sex appeal, and that means we need someone more Adam West-esque.
ReplyAlso, I applaud your dog named Elvis. That's awesome. I'm a fan of early Elvis, like the original Sun recordings.
and my other three dogs are named Leia, Peachie Poo and Elvis ( he is not a hound dog he is a poodle).
ReplySouthern Comfort is something that I know quite a bit about too. I can be drank straight from the bottle, just the first two or three drinks are kind of rough. Then it becomes kind of like a real sweet cough medicine.
ReplyContrary to popular belief, some people anyways, it is not a bourbon, it is a liqueur,but it is pretty much a liqueur in name only, seeing how it is 80 proof. For you brave souls out there, there is a 100 proof version that has a green label.
Me, a bottle of green label SoCo and a toilet had a very long and meaniful night once long ago.
@ kingmonkey, fire zombie devil, The dog's name is Vader and I do not look like Adam West.
Or so he says. I prefer to think of him as a wanderer, a war-torn soldier wandering America, righting wrongs wherever he goes. Drifting from town to town, he wins the hearts of those he meets. He fights crime with the aid of his trusty dog, Shep, who also served in the war. You know, the dog war.
ReplyHe's kind of like a one-man A-Team, but he plays guitar. He has a flinty stare, like a young Charles Bronson, and a stony face, like a young Adam West. I'm writing a theme song for his upcoming series. It's gonna be twelve different kinds of awesome with a little kick-ass sprinkled on top!