Chris Crocker Is The Bomb!
Hey guys! It’s me - Michael Swaim! By the time you’re reading this I may or may not be on the front page of Digg with my new and hilarious Those Aren’t Muskets! sketch, but you know what? I don’t really give a shit about that right now.
I know what you’re thinking: “But Michael, you and your amazing sketch comedy group Those Aren’t Muskets! put your heart and soul into that video! After all that hard work and dedication, how can you sit there and say you don’t care about it?” I appreciate your sentiments, reader, but I can’t deny it: This Chris Crocker video has me completely captivated. I can stop watching it for brief periods of time, but I can’t stop thinking about it to save my life.
As you all know, I’m Michael Swaim. Being Michael Swaim means lots of things, but first and foremost, being Michael Swaim means hanging on Chris Crocker’s every word. What can I say? I love Chris Crocker and I love his videos. They’re just so… honest, you know? If you love me, Michael Swaim (and you know that you do), you know that I love Chris Crocker. Considering that, you probably aren’t surprised that I’m posting this video for today’s 9AMer (PST). There’s just not a whole lot to be surprised about here: I love Chris Crocker, I love posting videos at 9AM (PST), and I’m Michael Swaim. It all adds up, right?
I also love poop, balls, poopie balls, and rubbing my balls in poop. Me - Michael Swaim. These are the things I love.
But don’t forget Chris Crocker! As much as I love getting my balls all poopie, I think I might actually love Chris Crocker even more! Isn’t it great that he turned down all that money and fame so he can continue to say “fuck” on YouTube? Chris Crocker keeps it real! He’ll turn down a fat paycheck just to tell it like it is (with profanity)! That’s why I love Chris Crocker… almost as much as I love getting my balls all poopie!
Let me be clear here: If there’s two things in this world that I love as Michael Swaim (which is who I am), it’s a) the physical act of getting my balls all covered in poop and b) watching Chris Crocker videos.
Arrrgh! Don’t make me pick a favorite!
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael Swaim enjoys watching Chris Crocker videos, getting his balls all poopie, and being the actual, real-life Michael Swaim (which is who he is)
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April 18th, 2008 at 1:10 am
I think Vicki was talking about Chris Crocker.
April 14th, 2008 at 5:32 am
Hey, if you were a lady Smoove would feed you sumptuous berries and then get you freaky in his whirlpool.
Or maybe break you off one nasty outside the club.
All under the magical influence of a heart-shaped ceiling mirror on a rotating circular bed.
April 13th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
At least he’s wearing an expensive hat.
April 13th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Tell that to the guy who got arrested for humping his picnic table.
Huh, Cracked just folded in on itself there for a moment.
April 13th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
I’ve heard furniture doesn’t make a very responsive lover.
April 13th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
I wish I was Smoove B, that brotha gets vagina, and all I get is couch cushion.
But I wreck that couch like a champ !!!
April 13th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Whoa! You’d never catch ROSS making a dumb, repetitive, space-wasting post like that! And responding to your own post is kind of creepy, Michael! Are you going schizo on us??
April 13th, 2008 at 8:37 am
‘with the finest oils and lotions,’
Are you Smoove B from The Onion by any chance?
April 13th, 2008 at 6:18 am
The spam has somehow managed to get weirder…
April 13th, 2008 at 2:23 am
yummy.She’s a pretty girl…but there is still something about her eyes that give the creeps..I heard she’s looking for rich guys on the free and hot celeb and millionaire dating site “RichMatchMaki ng.c om……” Wish her good luck.
April 13th, 2008 at 1:21 am
I know I’m not gay because when I’m down on my knees blowing a guy (or two guys) I never have an erection.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Yes, that is a pretty real accent. I believe Mr. Crocker is from Tennessee and he does film this show in his grandma’s basement.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
At the beginning it seemed like his gag reflex was doing overtime not to upchuck. Is his accent real? Can a southern person please confirm? I am from the midwest so every accent seems kind of genuine.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
This guy is why people don’t like Britney Spears. I mean, she can do whatever, I didn’t really care, then this whiner showed up on YouTube telling everyone to leave her alone, and I thought “Damn, that is one irritating kid. You know what? No Chris Crocker. I will not leave Britney alone.” And that’s when I broke into Britney’s house in the night and shaved her head.
April 11th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
THIS guy is why Americans don’t like gay people.
I read an article about him once. He films this show in his grandparents’ basement or something….
April 11th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Amen!
April 11th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Hey if your gonna make sweet sweet love to your cartoon lady, it’s only the best.
That’s my motto
April 11th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
That stuff about the plastic baggie would have been exceptionally vile, had you not specified that it required the FINEST oils and lotions.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Chris COCKer… get it? ’cause he likes cocks… inside of him.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
No, I think you were spot on the first time Glen.
Now. When you fuck velma, did you create a life like rubber doll to have your way with or did you just go the cheap route and fill a plastic baggie with the finest oils and lotions, stick it between the couch coushions, and tun on cartoon network?
April 11th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
I’d fuck Velma, I meant to say.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
I fuck Velma.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
What? Clearly you didn’t read the article. Swaim states multiple times that he is, in fact, the one writing it.
But seriously, Robb, I got it. That was the joke. Feigning ignorance is bliss. If the Scooby Gang needs another member to fill the Mystery Machine, I’m sure they’ll give you a call. Velma’s been needing a “split up and explore” partner for years.
Citing characters from children’s shows is fun.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
You know, about the video.. I find it hilarious that he is continually swallowing, and that he says the words “Put my ass on the line”, but maybe i find suggestive humor at every turn.
Oh, And Bob, dear sir. Ross wrote this, pretending to be the other guy… You really need to be more observant in your complaints, you give Bobs everywhere a bad name. Except Bob The Builder, who has a kick ass name regardless of circumstance.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I thought Miceal Spam was Chris Crocker?
April 11th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Who hasnt learned to play checkers with Chris Crocker?It’s hard to balance that checker board on your back while he makes a man out of you. So practice often if you want to win.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Like what? Checkers?
April 11th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Oh, he’s taught me more than you’ll ever know.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Who is Swaim talking to? That asshole that wrote that article about the girls beating up that other girl? Wrong blog, Swaim. If you’re gonna bash somebody, bash them in the proper location. Hasn’t Chris Crocker taught you anything?
April 11th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Where there’s a crocker there’s a way? More like where there’s a COCK there’s a GAY!
Am I right? Guys, am I right?
April 11th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I hope you realize what you’ve done here Wolinsky. You’ve taken your life in your hands here, and there’s no stopping the maelstrom that will come…you know, as soon as they let me post again in, like 72 hours. And as long as I can find something topical that can be turned into an insult.
SO BEWARE!
April 11th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
But if he keeps sucking, does that make me bi?
did I say me again?
April 11th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
But if he didn’t enjoy it, it proves he’s not gay.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Good catch Robb. Thats like Apocowarg saying “I suck two dicks a week just to make sure I’m not a flaming fag”
Kinda defeats the purpose.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Erm… The mack dad will make ya, Jump Jump… The daddy mack will make ya, Jump Jump… Chris Crocker will make ya, Jump Jump… Uh huh, Uh huh?
Hmmm… Somethings not right here. Well, at least he’s the one wearing the hat…
April 11th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
So.. you want to beat something that is pretending to be gay, or is gay.. Thats fine, gay bashing is an American past time.. But you want to do it with you cock… So thats kind of questionable.. As in, that might make you gay kind sir.
April 11th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
I want to beat this to death with my cock.
April 11th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Laura?!?!….o no a pumpkin
April 11th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Speaking of saving face, don’t his eyebrows look fabulous?
April 11th, 2008 at 11:54 am
I don’t think he turned anything down. He looked (as usual) like he was about to cry. I think they dropped him (wisely) and he made up this cursing thing as a way to save face. I think he should have just committed suicide like most other face saving cultures. Nice blanket by the way, damn baby. I’ll give you something to cry about, bitch.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:47 am
If there was a God, surely Chris Crocker would have been smited by now?
April 11th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Hah! Rush Hour.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Chris Crocker was hilarious in Rush Hour.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:38 am
I don’t think he’s gay. Gays are supposed to look good, right? Great hygiene and stuff. They’re not supposed to have a hair-do that looks like they lost a bet. So based on my math he’s straight.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:31 am
As a Jew, i completely take offense to that remark, and as a result i will no longer be doing your taxes. Thats right bitch, you just got H&R Cocked blocked on your personal finances. Word.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:21 am
BWHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA
April 11th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Michael Swaim, I just want to tell you that the daily 9AMer (PST) has been just gold since you started doing them. It’s so much better than Ross Wolinsky’s stupid Daily Nooner (EST), which isn’t even daily seeing as how we didn’t get one today. Fucking Jews man. Am I right?
April 11th, 2008 at 11:16 am
The rumor is Chris Crocker is Betty Crocker’s step-cousin. Which means Swaim is Chris Crocker’s 3rd twice removed step-daughter. So if your doing the math like me, Chris Crocker is in fact homosexual.
On paper, anyway..
April 11th, 2008 at 10:22 am
I’m going to go out on a limb here, but is Chris gay?