My Name Is Michael Swaim And I Love Chris Crocker: The Friday 9AMer (PST)!
Chris Crocker Is The Bomb!
Hey guys! It's me - Michael Swaim! By the time you're reading this I may or may not be on the front page of Digg with my new and hilarious Those Aren't Muskets! sketch, but you know what? I don't really give a shit about that right now.
I know what you're thinking: "But Michael, you and your amazing sketch comedy group Those Aren't Muskets! put your heart and soul into that video! After all that hard work and dedication, how can you sit there and say you don't care about it?" I appreciate your sentiments, reader, but I can't deny it: This Chris Crocker video has me completely captivated. I can stop watching it for brief periods of time, but I can't stop thinking about it to save my life.
As you all know, I'm Michael Swaim. Being Michael Swaim means lots of things, but first and foremost, being Michael Swaim means hanging on Chris Crocker's every word. What can I say? I love Chris Crocker and I love his videos. They're just so... honest, you know? If you love me, Michael Swaim (and you know that you do), you know that I love Chris Crocker. Considering that, you probably aren't surprised that I'm posting this video for today's 9AMer (PST). There's just not a whole lot to be surprised about here: I love Chris Crocker, I love posting videos at 9AM (PST), and I'm Michael Swaim. It all adds up, right?
I also love poop, balls, poopie balls, and rubbing my balls in poop. Me - Michael Swaim. These are the things I love.
But don't forget Chris Crocker! As much as I love getting my balls all poopie, I think I might actually love Chris Crocker even more! Isn't it great that he turned down all that money and fame so he can continue to say "fuck" on YouTube? Chris Crocker keeps it real! He'll turn down a fat paycheck just to tell it like it is (with profanity)! That's why I love Chris Crocker... almost as much as I love getting my balls all poopie!
Let me be clear here: If there's two things in this world that I love as Michael Swaim (which is who I am), it's a) the physical act of getting my balls all covered in poop and b) watching Chris Crocker videos.
Arrrgh! Don't make me pick a favorite!
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael Swaim enjoys watching Chris Crocker videos, getting his balls all poopie, and being the actual, real-life Michael Swaim (which is who he is)
Hehe, great I like this show!
ReplyI read your posts for a long time and must tell that your articles always prove to be of a high value and quality for readers.
ReplyHello Guru, what entice you to post an article. This article was extremely interesting, especially since I was searching for thoughts on this subject last Thursday.
ReplyYou were searching for thoughts on poopie balls?
I think Vicki was talking about Chris Crocker.
ReplyHey, if you were a lady Smoove would feed you sumptuous berries and then get you freaky in his whirlpool.
ReplyOr maybe break you off one nasty outside the club.
All under the magical influence of a heart-shaped ceiling mirror on a rotating circular bed.
At least he's wearing an expensive hat.
ReplyTell that to the guy who got arrested for humping his picnic table.
ReplyHuh, Cracked just folded in on itself there for a moment.
I've heard furniture doesn't make a very responsive lover.
ReplyI wish I was Smoove B, that brotha gets vagina, and all I get is couch cushion.
ReplyBut I wreck that couch like a champ !!!
Whoa! You'd never catch ROSS making a dumb, repetitive, space-wasting post like that! And responding to your own post is kind of creepy, Michael! Are you going schizo on us??
Reply'with the finest oils and lotions,'
ReplyAre you Smoove B from The Onion by any chance?
The spam has somehow managed to get weirder…
Replyyummy.She's a pretty girl...but there is still something about her eyes that give the creeps..I heard she's looking for rich guys on the free and hot celeb and millionaire dating site "RichMatchMaki ng.c om......" Wish her good luck.
ReplyI know I'm not gay because when I'm down on my knees blowing a guy (or two guys) I never have an erection.
ReplyYes, that is a pretty real accent. I believe Mr. Crocker is from Tennessee and he does film this show in his grandma's basement.
ReplyAt the beginning it seemed like his gag reflex was doing overtime not to upchuck. Is his accent real? Can a southern person please confirm? I am from the midwest so every accent seems kind of genuine.
ReplyI'm from Louisiana, and there are plenty of people down here who talk like Chris Crocker: We call 'em "homosexuals".
This guy is why people don't like Britney Spears. I mean, she can do whatever, I didn't really care, then this whiner showed up on YouTube telling everyone to leave her alone, and I thought "Damn, that is one irritating kid. You know what? No Chris Crocker. I will not leave Britney alone." And that's when I broke into Britney's house in the night and shaved her head.
ReplyTHIS guy is why Americans don't like gay people.
ReplyI read an article about him once. He films this show in his grandparents' basement or something....
Amen!
ReplyHey if your gonna make sweet sweet love to your cartoon lady, it's only the best.
ReplyThat's my motto