A friend of mine, for a Spanish class, needed to write something about her life and then translate it into Spanish. Also it needed pictures. She did not want to do this. Instead, I got drunk, had a different friend find me 7 random JPEGs from the internet, and I wrote this for her to use in her class. She did not use it.
One thing I’ve learned in all my years living in Lebanon is that I was born in Lebanon. Specifically, it was a small town called Town Lebanon, Lebanon. It’s weird how, when you look back after so many years, everything is so much smaller than you remember. Take this map of Lebanon, for example. I mean, come on! What is this, a country of quarks? Quarks being particles that are really, really small, like this map is really, really small. I also think it’s weird how the quark is Lebanon’s state bird.
I continued life in Lebanon and eventually entered tweenhood. This is when I made the decision to kill myself. Then I decided not to kill myself, but I got really into Clorox Bleach. I would buy a whole case of the stuff and just ask it how its day was. In Lebanon, Clorox is sold by the case. That phase ended quickly and the next day I drank it all and felt fine.
So this is a picture of a nice-looking Asian family. I don’t know what kind of Asians they are, but they adopted me for a brief period in the 90’s. I don’t know what part of the 90’s it was, but one of them was named Lebanon, which I thought was a remarkable coincidence. All of the others were named Ping. Also, “ping” sounds like “bing” which almost sounds like “bingo” which makes me think of dingoes!
These dingoes are adorable. When I turned 30, I visited Australia for a couple summers one year. My friends let me visit the Australian Zoo and I took this picture. Right after I took it, the baby dingoes turned to look at me and I said, “Cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute.” Then they ripped out my eyeballs, but I was okay with it because I got to feel their soft, soft dingo fur. They kept the eyeballs, I look like a freak, and now I hate most people for being normal.
One thing that’s for sure not normal is this Leviathan. Just look at that weirdo. It reminds me of when I moved to and briefly lived in the small town of Town Leviathan, Leviathan. Please never go there, it’s full of magic. While living there, I had one of the strangest days of my life, and it was on a Monday. I call that day Magic Monday because magic was so involved.
This picture (School of Athens) represents racism. Do you remember that Italian painter who was cool but rude? His name was Raphael Ninja Turtle, and he drew this painting. Personally, I’ve never been to Athens, but I think it would be very racist. If you look at the colors used in the painting, you’ll notice “nigger” is not one of them (blue, yellow, and white, however, are all over the place). I think that is quite telling.
The last thing I want to say is that cell phones are questionable. This picture is of me in the future when we are all skeletons. We will still have cell phones in the future, but they will also function as our daily meals. They will still taste like cell phones, but they will be much better for you, nutrition-wise. Also, if you look closely at the picture, you won’t notice anything in particular.
In conclusion, thank you for reading the only things I have ever done.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 6th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Music, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 21st, 2009 at 12:55 am
ive done this before. clearly, not as awesome as this, but close. i miss random google image searching. ahhh high school.
November 15th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
I didn’t laugh once but this article didn’t have me in tears so good job Cody.
November 15th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
hi, I will just go ahead and take this article, but don’t worry I won’t mention your name anywhere. You can see more info on how I’m a retarded plagiarist on my blog.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:04 am
Hi, Can i copy a few sentences from your this article, i find somes are very good! i’m want to write the same as yours. But don’t worry, if i copy, i wll add your links in my blog posts!you can see more life related information on my blog.
November 14th, 2009 at 3:27 am
Dingoes. Win.
November 9th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
“If you look at the colors used in the painting, you’ll notice “nigger” is not one of them (blue, yellow, and white, however, are all over the place).”
Classic!
I can dig the Tales to Tell ‘Round Midnight, crack a smile now and again, but this article had me laughing from start to finish. Awesome stuff.
November 7th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
This is rad. That is all
November 6th, 2009 at 8:54 am
I’m not going to internet hate monger on Cody. It’s got to take some guts to try that hard knowing (at this point anyway) that strangers will crap on you. Yeah the writing appears immature, and the “humor” is not my style, but I know there are enough retards on the net that this writing style will appeal to. It will probably increase cracked readership, even if in my opinion, it’s the wrong direction. Anyway, stop trying to please others, write stuff you yourself are proud of, and eventually you’ll emerge as a budding seanbaby or DOB. It just takes practice. I hope you get there. Honestly. I will enjoy your work then, and just forcibly erase your earlier work from my mind much as I have done with the matrix sequels.
Good luck.
November 1st, 2009 at 3:34 pm
this is by far my favorite of your stuff. Cody-haters, please take note: not all humor needs to be in-your-face outrageous. Well done sir
October 25th, 2009 at 10:56 am
you are awesome. seriously. a big glorious bag of pure awesome, with little awesome candy sprinkles.
October 22nd, 2009 at 1:36 am
I lol’d at the dingoes.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Since I don’t understand the humor, it automatically sucks.
& since I majored in humor and write for a lot of websites I’ll tell you what it’s missing.
1.-pictures of drunk girls
2.-nut shots
3.-quick jokes I can memorize to make me seem cool in front of my friends.
4.-Forgot what I was going to write here, but I’m sure it was amazing and made me feel awesome.
Thank you for your time, Off to figure out what “idiots for dummies” is all about.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:04 am
some of the internet loves you. a lot of the internet does not. i am indifferent. plus, i hate you. remember the bernards? nope.
October 18th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Not your best work but it was pretty good.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
LoL this is totally random and FREAKING HILLAROUS
October 14th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
@ Dogletta
We would have an amazingly weird story of how we got together
October 14th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
@ Dogletta
Maybe I should fall in love with you instead
October 14th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
@MG
I agree with you more than I’ve ever ended up agreeing with someone ever.
October 13th, 2009 at 10:09 am
I decided to give Cody a second chance after a commenter bitched about him in a totally unrelated bucholz article. Like Jack O’Brien said, he’s DiFfeReNt, all right. But its kinda growing on me. Cody, you seem so dark and twisted I could fall in love you… in a uncomfortable, insecure, full of fears and doubts kind of way.
October 12th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Gold. I don’t know how people can go around calling this material “immature.” The randomness is calculated for maximum humor impact, or something.
The bleach paragraph, oh god, the bleach. It toys with the reader so much.
October 12th, 2009 at 10:12 am
I’m laughing my ass off. Kudos.
October 12th, 2009 at 3:45 am
Oh my God, I loved this one so damn much. I love you Cody. XD!
October 11th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Okay, um, so you may have noticed that I’m commenting on all of your articles. This is because I find them wonderful. This may be my favorite so far. ‘k?
October 11th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
your alright man.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
this guy is awful… you’re awful Cody. jus sayin
October 11th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Incredible? Really? REALLY?
Look, I love abstract thought, but this isn’t INCREDIBLY funny…
It’s not bad… But you need to work harder.
“I call that day Magic Monday because magic was so involved.”
Vomit.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:22 am
I think I just did not get it. Maybe after some more of Cody I will, you know, get it. I really hope.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Nigger?
Really?
October 11th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Obviously everyone who says that Cody is bad can’t laugh without dick’s being referred to every 40 words.
October 11th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Pretty damn hilarious.
I’m so glad to see some intelligent humor on Cracked - not that I don’t love the normal stuff, this is just a good kind of different.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:07 am
Holy fuck. Incredible.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
The use of the ‘n’ word was really not necessary.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
“Like all the video game videos, it’s just not funny for the common man. There’s too little to relate to and it is way too childish to be put on a site like this.”
Too childish for a site that is built on immaturity wrapped in immaturity? Oooohhhhh, I get it. Dick jokes are suddenly mature, I get what you’re saying!
Also, Cody, you make my penis happy every time I read your stuff. Like sex only more verbose.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Loved it. What I don’t get is why people say “get off this website” and other shit. What are they complaining about? The other columnists are still there, if this isn’t your thing then just ignore it. Are you that dedicated to killing what people like?
October 10th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
you’re different, which is scary to these clone people. just do your thing cody, i’ll keep reading
October 10th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
This was awesome, I love how off topic everything was and how obviously you where just making it up. I love the random line “This is when I made the decision to kill myself. Then I decided not to kill myself, but I got really into Clorox Bleach.”
October 10th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
I think I might’ve thought this was funny a few years ago. Or 15 years ago.
I like penis jokes and pointless jokes, as much as the next guy but I’ve just outgrown shit like this.
Like all the video game videos, it’s just not funny for the common man. There’s too little to relate to and it is way too childish to be put on a site like this.
October 10th, 2009 at 11:55 am
this is hilarious. it’s not the normal kind of cracked humor, which i think is still great, but it’s fucking funny. the point of cody was that he would be really, really weird and really, really different, and he’s doing a great job so far. the humor’s different but i still love it
October 10th, 2009 at 11:50 am
This is like the cardboard additive to Cracked’s delicious meat pies.
October 10th, 2009 at 10:24 am
I love the people in the comments for all of Cody’s stuff. They don’t get the humor and they’re up in fucking arms about it!
I for one think Cody is hilarious and completely deserves a spot on the blog wall. I’ll just be happy to get someone that updates a lot.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:36 am
Fucking Leviathan.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:22 am
This was so retarded it was hilarious.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:08 am
hey everyone maybe they threw this dude on here to make the other columnists look funnier?
just saying///
October 9th, 2009 at 8:57 am
There’s something evil at work here, men (and women.)
Something wickedly boring this way comes. The Creeping Death of all funny is taking over Cracked. We need to get some of the Brockway Family Gin, ignite it, and burn the place down. Maybe, just maybe, this will take Cody down with it.
October 9th, 2009 at 4:26 am
I quite liked it. Yes it’s daft and pretty confusing, but it had its moments were it made me chuckle.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
I liked it.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Man i think you should remember this is a comedy website…
Don’t forget about the FUN!!
I mean not even a crappy pun….
October 8th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Wow…you are really terrible. Like, seriously, just REALLY REALLY bad. How did you end up on here?
October 8th, 2009 at 9:28 am
I regret the fact that i’m reading this on the internet as opposed to hearing you live. I want to be able to “Booo” you so aggresively, that it will sear away your last string of stubborn, unwarrented, self-confidence, sending you reeling back to your Data-Entry job.
I find you to be negative funny, is what i’m saying.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:38 am
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October 8th, 2009 at 3:02 am
why, god why?
i guess i have to leave cracked forever, its been spiraling downwards for months now, and this guy just is rock bottom!!
October 7th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
The amount of funniness in this whole article is the equivalent of 1 single word in a Dan O’Brien article.
October 7th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
I hate blasting comedians, cause I like to think of my self as “funny”, and I know how it can be hard to drop a lame one and to get blasted, but man… just not feeling your material.
October 7th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
You need to get the fuck out of here right now, and stop ruining one of my favorite sites. There are a few bad writers on here, but you’re making them look like George Carlin you asshole. Fucking carrot top would be funny next to this shit. Put down the keyboard … and back away from the Computer.
The only reason I keep reading these is I hope I’ll find something in one of these that this has all been some kind of sick joke put together by Seanbaby, or Brockway, or someone.
October 7th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
It seems to me that this is some sort of “Emperor’s New Clothes” situation that got this guy on Cracked. Reading this is like standing around a modern art museum and listening to the conversations. I’m sure there is something funny somewhere, but if I wanted to dig for humor I’d just watch TV.
Get this guy off of here.
October 7th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
If this guy actually gets paid for making dihearea dumps on his keyboard ill blow my brains out
October 7th, 2009 at 5:07 am
Wow, people really don’t like this guy do they? I though “If you look at the colors used in the painting, you’ll notice “nigger” is not one of them (blue, yellow, and white, however, are all over the place)” was amusing, if pushing it a little.
October 6th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
I think I have a theory you’re Gladstone trying to make yourself look better by posting something that is terrible.
October 6th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
REPETITION DOESN’T MAKE IT FUNNY REPETITION DOESN’T MAKE IT FUNNY REPETITION DOESN’T MAKE IT FUNNY REPETITION DOESN’T MAKE IT FUNNY REPETITION DOESN’T MAKE IT FUNNY REPETITION DOESN’T MAKE IT FUNNY REPETITION DOESN’T MAKE IT FUNNY
Don’t explain the joke
Drunk is not always funny
REPETITION DOESN’T MAKE IT FUNNY
REPETITION DOESN’T MAKE IT FUNNY
REPETITION DOESN’T MAKE IT FUNNY
Obviously confusing joke is obviously not funny
October 6th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
This is not a comment
October 6th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
How did you get a job writing something that was supposed to be funny? That was horrible. As were all of your other articles.
October 6th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
NIGGER!
(im just pissed im not kramer anymore)
October 6th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Fuck those other niggers, nigger!
I thought this was nigger funny, what with all the bangin of the white women nigger nigger nigger
No seriously, this made me chuckle, im sure alll the people who are critisizing you will not only take time to read your other articles of today, (5!) and still take their hand away from their penis long enought to annonamysly bash u.
Dont take that shit to heart, cause hearts dont pump shit.
Blood, they pump blood.
Nott niggeer blood, or ‘bloods’ in niggerese.
Have i said nigger to many times? Should i switch to darkey or junglebunny or chink?
I know chink isnt a black slur, but ill just go ahead and offend everybody.
Mic womp honkey sand nigger ingine texas
ok
good, i even got nother nigger in, good for me.
October 6th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
The use of the n-word was ballsy, but I’m not sure there was quite enough humor to justify it or back it up.
October 6th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
cracked’s been hacked. That’s the only explanation for this shit getting on here.
October 6th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
I think this article is hilarious. I wouldn’t have except you mentioned that you were drunk in the beginning, which changed the way i read the article. I laughed really hard at the ping comment too
October 6th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
where the hell did you spring from???
what is up with you?
I mean.. Ican’t even criticise you. You are just that bad
October 6th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
I sort of agree with the hacked idea. I can’t believe Cracked would actually sink this low.
October 6th, 2009 at 6:33 am
Has Cracked been hacked by this dude? Who the fook are you???
October 6th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Wow this article is crappy. I can sense the seconds of effort and thought put into this.