The Mask Next Door
Everyone hates masks. At least, that’s what Warney thought. Warney was a bit on the hate side of most things, actually. So much so that he even hated people who hated masks.
“What a complex character we’re dealing with,” thought the narrator as he pat himself on the back. How wrong, he was, though. Warney was, in fact, so not complex that I could probably predict what happens in the entire story.
I predict that Warney will meet someone that just moved in next door. The person next door will act very mask-like and will say things that a mask might say. It will turn out that the person next door is actually a mask. Warney will hate this new neighbor almost most of all. I say “almost,” because someone else will probably move in to the house on the other side of Warney’s house and that person will hate masks even more than Warney. This new person will be named Garren or something stupid like that and Warny will hate Garren so much (because Garren hates masks and Warney hates people who hate masks) that he will temporarily forget about the mask that happened to live next door. Garren and Warney will eventually get into a fistfight and Garren will win. The mask will take pity on Warney and nurse him back to health. This will change Warney’s view of masks, which will make him hate people who hate masks even more than he previously hated people who hate masks. Warney and the mask will team up to take Garren down. They will end up killing Garren, and as Warney looks up to give the mask a high five, he will find that the mask is gone and (perhaps) was never really there. Warney, freaking out, takes in a deep breath and gets a whiff of the inside of a mask (rubber and sweat). Yes, Warney was a mask the whole time. The end.
The narrator put his head in his hands, clearly frustrated with the accurate prediction of his story’s eventual plot. “Fuck,” he thought, and picked up his in-depth outline. Quickly, he tore it up and started from scratch.
The Living Mask Or Whatever
Everyone enjoys a good mask. Warney knew this, which is why he one day wanted to open up his own mask shop. He was only thirteen years old, though, so he had to settle for working at Garren’s Scarin’ Ya With His Masks Mask Shoppe. Every day after school, Warney would hop on his roller bike and pedal all the way to Garren’s and help out in any way he could. Normally this would involve pricing masks or throwing out old masks. Today, he had a much more interesting job…
“Warney!” exclaimed Garren. “Right on time!”
“As always, Mr. Garren, sir,” Warney said as he tied up his roller bike to the roller bike stand Garren had installed when Warney started working at the store. “Any new masks in today?” he asked.
Garren smiled. He would ordinarily enjoy watching as Warney excitedly tried on all the new masks and invented voices and back-stories for each of those particular masks.
“No new masks today,” Garren had to tell Warney.
Warney’s face fell. What was he supposed to do today, then?
“What am I supposed to do today, then?” Warney asked.
Garren smiled again. “I have something exciting for you today, Warney,” he said, and gestured to the back room. “It’s time you became an integral member of the Garren’s Scarin’ Ya With His Masks Mask Shoppe family.”
“Do you mean-” Warney began, his eyes widening.
“-Yes.” Garren confirmed. “It’s time you started making masks of your own.”
Warney jumped with Glee. Glee was another young mask-enthusiast who worked at the shop. He gave Warney a high five and shouted, ”We’re going to The Show, Warney!!!”
Garren grimaced.”Actually, Glee,” he began. “Only Warney will be joining me today. In fact, you’re fired. Your work with the masks has been sub-par at best.”
Glee lowered his head and slowly walked out of the store without another word. No one ever saw Glee again. That is, of course, until the Moongician’s curse was lifted. It’s not foreshadowing if you just say it, right?
Okay, didn’t think so…
When Glee was gone, Garren turned to Warney.
“Now,” Garren started, “It is time that you grow up and become a true mask.”
“What?”
“Er… A true mask maker, I mean,” Garren corrected himself, quite suspiciously.
“I won’t let you down, Garren.” Garren smiled.
“I know you won’t,” he said. “Now you’d best be off to home if you want to get enough sleep for tomorrow.” He stopped suddenly. “In fact, I want you to skip school tomorrow. Fake sick. Sleep in as much as you can. You will need your rest for what you are about to endure.”
“Endure?” Warney asked, confused.
“Just a figure of speech,” Garren explained.
“What will I have to endure?” Warney pressed.
“Goodnight, Warney. Or should I say… Garren…” Garren said with a meaningful look.
“SHOULD you say ‘Garren’?” Warney asked.
“Yes. You now take on the title of Garren.”
“Wait, so Garren wasn’t your name?” Garren Warney asked.
“No, my name’s Ted.” Garren Ted replied, and paused. “Garren? That’s retarded.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Garren Warney sadly agreed.
“Like ‘Warney,” Garren Ted said.
“You’re mean today, Garren,” Garren Warney pointed out.
“Please, call me Ted,” Garren Ted said.
“Can I leave, Ted?” Garren Warney asked.
“Sure. See you tomorrow, Warney,” smiled Garren Ted.
“Don’t you mean “Garren”?” Garren Warney asked.
“No. That’s my name. You’re Warney,” Garren said.
“So why did you-”
“-I like jokes.”
“Fine. Garren, NOW can I leave?” Warney pleaded.
“Sure thing, Garren.” Garren (Ted?) replied.
“So now my title is Garren again?” Warney (?) asked.
“Yep,” confirmed Garren Ted. “Like I said, me likey jokes.”
“Whatever you say, Ted,” Garren Warney muttered.
“WHO THE FUCK IS TED, YOU LITTLE SNOT!?!?” shouted Garren. He turned to the corner of the shop and set his eyes on the push broom.
“Please,” Warney muttered, not at all liking the turn this encounter seemed to be taking.
“Yes…” Garren whispered as he walked over to the corner. “Push broom.”
Warney’s eyes darted across the room, assessing whether or not he could make a run for it. By now, of course, Garren had returned with a push broom in tow.
SPOILER ALERT: The push broom is the villain, I think…
Garren swung the push broom as hard as he could and smacked Warney right across the face. Warney fell to the floor and Garren glared at him.
“Why did you just call me Ted, Warney?!?!” Garren screamed and glared at Warney. Warney spit blood onto the floor and looked up at Garren, who glared at him and stepped on his femur.
“I was confused by your joke about our names, Garren,” Warney screamed as his femur snapped. The pain was unbelievable. He wiped blood from his mouth. All the while, of course, Garren was glarin’.
“What do you mean, ‘joke’?” Garren asked.
“That little joke where you said my new name was Garr-”
“-I HATE JOKES!!!” Garren swung the push broom at Warney once again, this time hitting him square in the chest. Warney puked pretty instantly.
“You will pay for this insubordination, Warney,” Garren warned.
“I feel like I already have,” Warney pointed out, wiping blood and vomit from his mouth.
“Interesting theory…” Garren muttered. He ran his fingers across his chin. “You are free to go.”
Warney got up slowly. His body ached and his head throbbed, but he was elated at the opportunity to leave this awful place.
“See you tomorrow to make that mask?” Garren asked nonchalantly.
“Yeah,” Warney said as he limped to the door. “Probably not. You just beat the shit out of me and I’m fairly certain you wanted to turn me into a mask.”
“You’re a wise, boy, Warney,” Garren whispered. “See you tomorrow.”
“I don’t think you heard me. I won’t be coming back tomorrow.” Warney left the building.
“See you tomorrow, Warney,” Garren whispered, even quieter this time.
************
Later that night, the police showed up at Garren’s Scarin’ Ya With His Masks Mask Shoppe to find an empty warehouse.
“Looks like it’s been abandoned for years,” said Sgt. Lemurs.
Officer Jomathy Taylorb glanced up at the Sergeant and shook his head.
“Fuckin’ kid,” Jomathy began with a sneer. “Must have beat himself up and called us up just to get attention or something.”
Sgt. Lemurs nodded. “Stuff like this happens all the time, rookie,” he said. “Kids make up these silly stories so they can get popular on ViewTuber and FriendPlace.”
“Either that or we don’t investigate properly,” Jomathy pointed out with a laugh. Sgt. Lemurs joined in and they both had a good chuckle.
“Ha ha ha ha ha!” came a third, much more sinister laugh.
Sgt. Lemurs and Officer Taylorb looked around.
“Did that push broom just laugh with us?” Sgt. Lemurs asked.
“I don’t think so, sir,” said Jomathy. “I don’t think it would have a motive.”
Sgt. Lemurs looked Jomathy up and down. “You’re gonna be a good cop one day, rook,” he said and jabbed Jomathy playfully in the shoulder. “Motive. That’s good cop stuff.”
Jomathy smiled.
“The end,” the narrator thought about writing. He reread the story and shook his head.
Through The Looking Mask
People feel certain ways about masks. Warney certainly felt a very specific way about masks. He had a friend named Garren, who had a similar or differing opinion on masks. They were the best of friends, and together they would attend Masquerades (as well as Mask Parades). One day they met a mask that taught them an important lesson about being yourself. Then it made them go insane and kill each other. At one point during the story, they had to solve a riddle together.
The End.
For more Tales To Tell ‘Round Midnight, click on the following…
The Halloween That Was Actually Arbor Day
Now You Invisible, Now You Don’t Invisible
This entry was posted on Saturday, November 7th, 2009 at 5:00 am and is filed under CGI, Celebrities, Celebrities are Beautiful, Chat, Child Pornography, Children of Men, China, Christmas, Music, Uncategorized, Video Games, citizen justice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 21st, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Cody, you are the man. I laughed my ass off at this. Seriously, I’m at the hospital on my laptop waiting to get an ass transplant from my cousin. I don’t care what these other fools think; your shit is absolutely hilarious. And don’t worry everyone gets negative comments, contrary to what someone said down in the proverbial peanut gallery. Once again, bravo sir. Keep it coming.
November 19th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
at least theres someone like cody who isnt afraid to deviate.
you still got it, dude. fuck all these haters
November 17th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I’m just a regular guy, and Cody is awesome. He is one of the reasons I visit cracked.com
If you don’t like him, then go away, don’t read his articles and stop complaining.
November 16th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Look, I don’t care what some of you guys say, this shit is funny. The writer knows that it is stupid, that’s why it is so hilarious, part of the joke is that it is written badly. Plus all the characters have really dumb names that you have to laugh at. Jomathy Taylorb? C’mon, how can you not laugh at that. Not to mention goosebumps make like a seemingly infinite number of books about evil green masks.
November 16th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
“Warney jumped with Glee. Glee was another young mask-enthusiast who worked at the shop.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
I thought u meant jumped with joy, but glee was actually another character
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
Dude your humor and lines like that are so out of place. It is unbearable thinking about how hard u tried to be clever there. U try to make this aloof cool persona as a writer and it is terrrrrriiiibbbbblllllleleleelel. Please meet Death. Death is one of my buddies who will help you with comedy.
HAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAH
no but seriously actually commit suicide
November 16th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Friggin’ “Scholassdick” lol
November 16th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
“No, my name’s Ted.” Garren Ted replied, and paused. “Garren? That’s retarded.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Garren Warney sadly agreed.
“Like ‘Warney,” Garren Ted said.
That made me laugh.
November 16th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Jesus, these Cracked commentators are worse than your average Tool fan. Everybody thinks they have some deep critiquing insight that escapes the columnists, the editors, and all of the people who read this article before it was published.
Shut up. Please, shut up. Nobody cares about your attempts to sound like a literary intellectual.
I had been giggling throughout most of this, but I completely lost it at Officer Jomathy Taylorb.
November 16th, 2009 at 12:35 am
LOL ok not bad , but somehow it feels like your big brother did your homework for you ya know?
Prove me wrong little retarded rat-face man, prove me wrong!
November 15th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Very entertaining! I didn’t think that it would be so entertaining as it was… especially since I’m not too fond of your works. This was still enjoyable and actually, kinda funny. Why? Because you give an accurate idea of what EVERY goosebumps novel is like. Seriously. You are awesome for this.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:24 am
This is your best work, Cody. Put as much work as you did in this article in your others and you’ll have made a new fan. Great read.
Favorite part: “This time it’s personal, one would assume.”
November 15th, 2009 at 12:27 am
@Aaron hates this artical!!
LAME TROLL GTFO MAN U SUK!!1111111!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111!!!!!!!!!111
cody is the best keep it up ma
November 14th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Oh good, I can actually comment on this article now. For some reason, comments were closed when it was first uploaded.
I’m finally starting to get Cody’s humour. This parody of Goosebumps was amazing, and for once I actually laughed at one of your stories, Cody. Multiple times, in fact. Great article, and I hope to see more like it soon.
Again, well done and I’m glad you’re starting to fit in and find your footing.
November 14th, 2009 at 8:08 am
Cody, you are ten different kinds of fabulous!
November 14th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Goosebumps was a book for kids alright - calling them retarded from a adult’s point of view carries no merit. Sure, these days you might look at the plot and think this shit is fucking implausible, violates several laws of science, and there’s some pretty serious identity issues.
But, because of its ridiculous plot line, and that it’s simply written, a 10yr old kid is free to let his imagination run after reading one of those books. I mean, i remember locking myself in the bathroom for 20 minutes cos i freaked out that maybe the people living with me are praying mantis aliens hiding under a fake human skin. That may not necessarily be due to the influence of Goosebumps, but..
November 11th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
This was actually really hilarious. Good work.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Cody keep up the good work I’ve loved every single one of the ‘Tales,’ you’re a comedic genius. “You’re fired, Berthenia” might actually be a new kind of poetry it’s ok if it’s not for everyone, remember: “I will not defy readers’ expectations” you have serious talent sir I just have to remember to pee BEFORE I read your next one.
November 10th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
you forgot the brown hair/green eyes description, all Goosebumps books have that.
Its amazing just how creative R.L. Stine was….
November 10th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
This one made me put Sody just a tiny bit below Swaim at the top of my favorite Cracked writers.
November 10th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I thought it was hilarious. If you were born in the mid-eighties, you probably read those stupid Goosebumps books. This guy captured the retarded nature of the books. Great spoof.
November 10th, 2009 at 11:48 am
I love how when Cody started here everyone was all “Fuck off Cody! Your style doesn’t work here at Cracked!” but now they’re all “Fuck off Cody! Your style is exactly same as one of Cracked’s most popular writers!”
November 10th, 2009 at 10:41 am
[...] Horror. Not as Easy As it Looks. (Cracked) [...]
November 10th, 2009 at 7:15 am
Always love a good rip on Goosebumps. Not really one to name drop, but if anyone was looking for a comedic breakdown of every book in the series, you might want to give bloggerbeware.com a look.
November 10th, 2009 at 4:24 am
I haven’t been a big fan of Cody’s work but I really enjoyed this one.
November 10th, 2009 at 3:15 am
Awesome stuff Cody! Half your stuff is t e r r i b l e and the other half is superb. Might as well keep posting it all - only chumps get offended by their free entertainment. We’re through the looking mask, people!
November 9th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
I loved this article. The names are hilarious, and I thought you did a pretty damn good job of parodying Goosebumps.
November 9th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
This reminds me that DOB is a fagtron
November 9th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Excellent piece, superb parody of the not so beloved books of my childhood (never really liked Goosebumps). Anyway… it was really funny.
And for all the Cody haters: stop reading if you are so annoyed by what he writes.
November 9th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Cracked readers hate Cracked writers, yet they keep reading. That to me is almost as funny as the articles themselves.
You’re doing well, Cody. Some complain that you too closely resemble another Cracked writer…just silly. Why should Cracked’s writers not share a similar sense of humor?
This site makes me happy. Thanks, Cracked.
November 9th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
I liked the first and third, but the second was gold. Good job; Don’t listen to the douchekrakens.
November 9th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
i finally had to put my 2 cents in. i like cody’s stuff, but i was content to let everyone rant in the comments without butting in.
until today, when i saw a certain commenter and his woefully misspelled and poorly worded comments.
i just had to comment, because as much as i did like this ARTICLE, that comment made me laugh. EVEN THOUGH he is entitled to his opinion, THERE ARE better ways to go about insulting someone. even if THEIR articles are awful, you don’t make yourself look AWESOME by coming off as an illiterate. THAT’S just making yourself look silly. cody isn’t the only one who GETS negative comments, it happens to everyone’s ARTICLES. WHICH is odd, because i doubt anyone who writes such terribly written comments has even one ORIGINAL thought in his head.
November 9th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
New rankings.
Seanbaby>>>>>>>>>Cody>Gladstone>Swaim>The two guys I can’t tell apart>>>>>>>>>DOB.
Yes, I like my comedy funny.
November 9th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Yay Cody!
November 9th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
I chuckled at a few parts…you’re getting better Cody.
November 9th, 2009 at 11:58 am
I think I might be starting to like Cody better than Seanbaby…they’re still at the bottom of the list as far as Cracked Columnists go, but they’re currently neck and neck at that spot.
This story had me chuckle once or twice, maybe I’m warming up to Cody’s style. I’m just thinking that after a while it’s going to become stale… where can he really go with this stuff?
November 9th, 2009 at 11:08 am
you guys are all idiots, shit is hilarious
November 9th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Seriously?
November 9th, 2009 at 10:07 am
This wasn’t as terrible as the comments section suggested. There were bright spots.
November 9th, 2009 at 8:50 am
… a raging boner! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ GOOD MAN!!!
November 9th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Cody trying to be DOB, nothing more.
There, I said it.
Be more creative Cody and use your own ideas. Otherwise, you just suck!
November 9th, 2009 at 7:08 am
I bet you got picked on at school.
November 9th, 2009 at 5:10 am
Christ, MoonPower. This shit was hilarious… can’t you tell the difference between intentionally bad writing and just bad writing?
Great stuff Cody… I pissed myself laughing. I hope that makes you happy somehow.
November 9th, 2009 at 4:57 am
I came in here to check if anybody still rips on Cody. Apparently, they do. Look, I found that I didn’t care for Cody’s articles after about the third one. I stopped reading them. What is wrong with the people who waste their time reading something just to bitch about it.
Really people, It’s called casual sex. It’s not that hard to get. All you do is look in a mirror and lower your standards based on what you see.
November 9th, 2009 at 4:53 am
Look at poor Aaron. He’s shouting obscenities in the comments shouting in an effort to feel significant. He also really ‘hates this artical (article)’ everyone. He just wanted you to know, maybe we should send him an email or anything, he’s probably so lonely he gets all excited when telemarketers phone.
Cool stories cody, awful, but funny!
November 9th, 2009 at 4:09 am
Not that anyone gives a shit about anything written in the comments section, but I think you are pretty OK Cody. Pretty OK.
November 9th, 2009 at 2:58 am
can people stop saying ’stop picking on the new guy’?
if i recall correctly, the entire cracked audience was not up in arms telling seanbaby to get off cracked…
cody, your best article yet. in that i managed to finish it without slashing my wrists. it does give me some hope that you may one day improve
November 9th, 2009 at 2:49 am
Hey everyone the title of the artical “my FAILED attemps to write a goosebumps novel” and by fucking jeasus did he fail! OH FUCKING GOD DID HE FAIL!!!! U FAIL AT EVERYTHING!!!! failblog.org has censored you because their site is filling up with your contibutions to cracked!!!
November 9th, 2009 at 2:32 am
Cody, that really fucking sucked. Although I do have to admitt I chuckled when Warney was getting all fucked up…but in the end the whole thing was retarded. Just plain fucking stupid. I can’t really understand what you’re trying to do when you write. I think your parents must have told you that you were talented and funny when you were a kid and you just never noticed that they were smoking crack.
Oh—I think I finally get it! It was titled, “My Failed Attempts to Write a Goosebumps Novel”, so it was supposed to be stupid.
No. Still just really fucking dumb.
November 9th, 2009 at 1:56 am
FUCK CODY!!! get off of cracked! even tho there are a few people that like your works, there is still shit loads of people who HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER DONE!!!
you go take a look at any of the other writers and look at there comment section, no one hates them!! they are awsome!! so thats just saying something about how much you suck! cause you are the only one who EVER get negative comments and all the others get 521,657,123 out of 10 for their articals.
wich bring me to my origional point: GET THE FUCK OFF CRACKED!!!! YOU SUCK ASS HOLE!!
November 9th, 2009 at 1:43 am
love goosebumps !
November 9th, 2009 at 12:00 am
And I’d do it (ie: you) all over again given the chance (and you drink that ‘health shake!’ http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=4&sku=ENGL-CD00260 I also have your named tattooed on my ass under the ‘C’s’ bro! XOXO!
November 8th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Ahaha
“See you tomorrow, Warney,” Garren whispered, even quieter this time.
November 8th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
yeah, and makes the words…. crazy. lol
November 8th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
cody is that guy who makes comedy through wordplay. he plays with the words, bends them, give them another meaning. good work!
November 8th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Haha I used to read until they banned Goosebumps at my elementary school.
November 8th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
I hope you were wearing a mask while writing this. My favorite part is when someone said, “It reminds me of catch 22’s writing style.”
November 8th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
aaronJ your kidna wrong, i was born in 1990 and when i was in about 3rd grade these books were the shit
November 8th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
this was fucking awesome
November 8th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
hahaha, man these stories are funny, yet kinda stupid at the same time. It reminds me of catch 22’s writing style.
November 8th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
haha…. Jomathy
November 8th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Cody, I have to tell you… while you’re other stuff may be pretty crappy… These tales to tell ’round midnight are actually Great. Keep up the good work… err… kinda… most of the time… mehfag
November 8th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
This is fucking golden.
Cody hasn’t done a bad article yet
November 8th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Hey Cody, maybe one day you should write about your failed attempts to write internet comedy articles.
November 8th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Wow Cody, even though I have no were near as much writing talent as you, I’m going to claim that you suck and I hate you and you’re the worst Cracked columnist ever. I don’t have to read your work, or even post a comment, but I do anyway because I want everyone to see posts that contain bad grammar and spelling about how much I hate you.
Hopefully you’ve guessed I’m being sarcastic. On a serious note, this article was rather entertaining.
November 8th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com__ It’s a nice place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
November 8th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
AaronJ:
I’m pretty sure anyone could have been born late 80s/early 90s and would have read Goosebumps. I was born in 88 and my brother was born in 91 and we both loved Goosebumps as kids.
November 8th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Im not a fan of cody and im still not but he is really getting better this was pretty funny.
November 8th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
This is fucking golden.
Cody hasn’t done a bad article yet
November 8th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Quit picking on the new guy.
Good job Cody.
November 8th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
yeah…….i still don’t like codys articles.
November 8th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Eeeheeheehee.
November 8th, 2009 at 10:41 am
This is a great mix between a spot-on parody of Goosebumps, and the usual Cody crazy.
November 8th, 2009 at 10:28 am
omgaahhh that was soo funnyy lol glee poor glee..
November 8th, 2009 at 10:15 am
This story is not realistical at all. Experts all agree that this never happens. Why don’t you tell the other side of the story? Maybe YOU”RE the mask!
November 8th, 2009 at 10:05 am
wow that was top notch, keep spittin’ them out
November 8th, 2009 at 9:46 am
That was awesome. I laughed so hard my eyes started bleeding. Keep up the good work.
November 8th, 2009 at 9:40 am
I loved your last article, but this one sucked.
November 8th, 2009 at 9:07 am
i hated your last article with a passion. this one was actually pretty good.
go read up on bucholz, brockway, and DOB, and keep learning.
November 8th, 2009 at 8:53 am
That was hilarious!
November 8th, 2009 at 8:28 am
this was a good article, but I think Cody’s best stuff is his videos while his articles are usually hit or miss
also I never read Goosebumps when I was a kid (yes I know I was denied my childhood)
November 8th, 2009 at 7:59 am
Oh yes, I liked this one quite a bit. Cody, you’re a funny man.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Yes! I couildn’t wait for Cody to start getting really hilarious, I knew he was good, now he can get the recognition he deserves.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:45 am
Quoth the great Aaron
November 8th, 2009 at 7:45 am
cody truely needs to fuck the fuck of from cracked!! whos wit mee?!
November 8th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Awsome. Simply awsome. I Liked these books as a kid….looking at them now….damn LOL.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:29 am
Wow. That got really out of control, even by Cody’s standards. Hilarious.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:23 am
You nigger! I liked those books back in fifth grade! Cracked i like, the only site on the internet that hasn’t ruined a piece of my childhood. Fuck you Cody.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Garren Ted and Garren Warney - effin genius!! I haven’t laughed that hard in ages!!!
November 8th, 2009 at 7:04 am
This is a perfectly acceptable humorous parody of those Goosebumps books. It’s quite amusing to look back on how poorly written and long winded these books were. I read an article about “Caroline Keene” aka, the two guys who invented Nancy Drew, and at the peak of their success they have a cadre of writers who churned out books with the mirthless proficiency of a Toyota assembly line. They had writers whose sole job was to replace the word “said” with a list of synonyms, i.e. “exclaimed”, “replied”, “retorted”. What a job.
November 8th, 2009 at 5:39 am
The second story was quite possibly the most entertaining piece of literature I’ve ever read. I had tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing only halfways through.
November 8th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Recently, I found an age-gap site called __Agegapmingle.com__ It’s a nice place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not problem there. You may check out or tell your friends.
November 8th, 2009 at 5:07 am
This was a funny article. I liked the “Scholassdick” bit on the cover. I used to read Goosebumps books all the time and found this to be a great parody of how retarded they all were. Cody is going after a very niche audience here so most of you won’t get it. And Aaron, you’re only 14? You GTFO kid. This is where grownups come to make fun of little shits like you.
November 8th, 2009 at 4:14 am
Dude keep it up.
November 8th, 2009 at 3:43 am
Recently, I found an age-gap site called __Agegapmingle.com__ It’s a nice place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not problem there. You may check out or tell your friends.
November 8th, 2009 at 3:27 am
[Reading Aaron's posts made my brain bleed. *sigh*]
Anyways, slightly retarded comment-trolls aside, this was a pretty neat article/story - had me smiling. I must admit Cody’s pretty inventive when he can get it together. More of this stuff please and less of the stuff before from ‘im. This actually had some sort of structure and point.
I liked - good work
November 8th, 2009 at 3:22 am
classic! love it!
November 8th, 2009 at 3:21 am
That was insane. I loved it.
November 8th, 2009 at 3:14 am
I like Cody.
November 8th, 2009 at 2:54 am
Brilliant, matey ! Keep it up !
November 8th, 2009 at 1:56 am
(Points out he is “AaronJ”, not “Aaron”)
Anyone who doesn’t get this article, it’s probably ’cause you were born before… I don’t know, the mid-eighties, and never actually READ a Goosebumps book. Good stuff, Cody.
Yay! Finally our generation gets some of it’s own nostalgia. Too bad it’s shitty horror novels and cartoon characters which we now see fucking each other with pretty shocking regularity.
November 8th, 2009 at 1:55 am
LMAO
This was fucking funny.
November 8th, 2009 at 1:52 am
That’s how I remember my Goosebumps, alright.
“…Warney said as he tied up his roller bike to the roller bike stand”
It reminds me of the deliberately long-winded sentences he used in the Postman article. It was amusing at first read, but subsequent encounters with that phrasing style left me (-.-). Read way too many Cody works.
BTW, I think *all* Cracked writers are talented, irreverently wacky guys with their own respective styles. There are hits and misses, but the anticipation of finding those that really work and send me laughing hysterically is what makes my daily visit to the site worthwhile.
November 8th, 2009 at 1:30 am
“All the fags who are flaming him either don’t get the joke or don’t like ironic humour.” That.. or not everyone in the world shares your taste in humour and simply think Cody’s stuff sucks. But now, anyone who doesn’t like the exact same things you do is a fag with no sense of humour. lulz
November 8th, 2009 at 1:28 am
Hi, Aaron he-DISREGARD THAT. I SUCK COCKS.
November 8th, 2009 at 1:18 am
Cody’s writing is wrapped in so many damn layers of irony, it’s hard to tell it’s been crafted badly on purpose if you’re just reading it in passing. All the fags who are flaming him either don’t get the joke or don’t like ironic humor. If you just take each article for what it is, he’s actually pretty funny. Not like the others on the site…seems to be more about entertaining than saying crazy shit to make you lol.
I find myself smirking at least at some of the creative stuff he pulls in his writing. Like the Abbot and Costello-esque exchange in the middle story. You don’t see people even try that now-a-days because it require too much effort to keep together.
Keep up the good work, Cody. I didn’t like you at first but you’re growing on me.
November 8th, 2009 at 12:34 am
who is this ass face imitating me? ill eat his soul!
/\ /\
/ \ / \
| == |
| O\ /O |
| ____ |
| VVVV |
| |
| |
November 8th, 2009 at 12:32 am
I loved it! It’s so hilariously pointless, well done
November 8th, 2009 at 12:30 am
Jomathy Taylorb is hilarious. Man this article is brilliant. I always tried writing my own Goosebumps books in English back in school. They were all failures like ‘The Evil Lawn Gnome’.
November 8th, 2009 at 12:24 am
please don’t listen to anything i just said, its just me being bipolar again, its best to ignore me. Good article Cody, hilarious
November 8th, 2009 at 12:01 am
Agh, you see i am bipolar and what i said before about me being a raging homosexual that was just me trying to fit in with the rest of you, but as u can see i am over that phase and back to my original Cody dissing ways!
November 7th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
haha good stuff man, your best so far.
November 7th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
As a former reader of Goosebumps books and an intelligent person, I found this article hilarious.
November 7th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
omg that was fucking hilarious i dont care what anyone says
except for the last one, but the first two, seriously, omg
November 7th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
Aaron is never 8! but 14
November 7th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
if you have ever read a goosebumps book than this was pretty damn funny. if not you didnt have a childhood and because you were deprived since birth, you lack any sense of humor. Or maybe you are insulted at this unecessary attack on the great works of literature that is goosebumps.
November 7th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
hey, this is Aaron again, I just want to say I am sorry for spamming your articles and acting like an idiot. The truth is , I’m a raging homosexual, and i love Cody, but he refused to love me back. I am also bipolar, so if I start acting like a retard again anytime soon, just ignore me
November 7th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
Aaron, youre 8, shut up
I thought this article was chuckle worthy, not the best, but still pretty good. Dont know why people are bitching.
November 7th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
I will not defy readers expectations I will not defy readers expectations penis penis boner.
HAHAHA it’s funny because I quoted a Gladstone article.
November 7th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
hey in my previous “Cody dissing” i mentioned homo fart, this reminded me of a a funny occasion Cody shared with his friends in a Spa,
Cody was in a spa with 4 of his closest friends, and a condom floated to the surface, one of Cody’s friends causally asked him:
“Did you fart?”
November 7th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
cody, you have redeemed yourself with this article. lol’d my balls off.
November 7th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
DICK COCK ASS BALL SHIT BASTARD FUCK BITCH SLUT HAG WHORE CUNT WANKER PRICK!!!
DAM SHIT ASS! that guy realy need to stop FUCKING WHORE SULG!
writing for cracked cause HE EATS COCK BALLS BASTARD PIPE! is a terrible writer truly BITCH HORSE FUCK WITH A HOSE!! a BASTARDLY un-funny DICK ASS WANK YOUR PICK! dictator of laughter. SUCK THAT DICK! PUSSY REPULSES YOU! HOMO FART! SPERM COMES OUT!
November 7th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
I agree with Ageegee. I definitely enjoy Cody’s writing, mostly because it is different. It seems like Cracked articles are getting predictable(at least to me), and it’s nice to mix it up with Cody’s different style.
November 7th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
I thought this was actually kinda funny. The cliche plot twists and jokes on the book covers were pretty funny. I really don’t understand why this article is getting so much hate.
November 7th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
NotFunny I actually feel the exact opposite of you. While everyone else on this site is writing dick and boob jokes, Cody’s writing feels the most creative and even smart. This article was not written randomly but was perfectly crafted poorly. I will admit his writing is not the BEST fit for this site, as you can see from the negative comments how the readership is, but I’m glad hes here and is the second funniest person on here (Seanbaby FTW!)
November 7th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
I would also like to say that I have come to this conclusion after reading most of everything Cody has posted and have withheld judgement until now.
November 7th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
WOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!! CRAKED IS THE GREATEST!!!!!! *except cody* I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!! *except cody* ALL THE WRITERS DESERVE NOBEL COMEDY PRIZES if there is a category for that AND IF NOT THERE SHOULD BE! *except cody*
I HOPE YOU ALL ROT IN HELL YOU ASS HOLES!!!! *except everyone besides cody*
November 7th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Cody’s stuff is just really really dumb. I don’t think he fits on a site that is built from articles constructed of intelligence and real creativity. When other authors make dumb jokes it’s satire, with Cody, it’s another meet the spartans. We don’t need more of that. At the very least write something original. There would be this, but all the “jokes” are too random to follow easily. At least give us an intro like other authors on this site do, that give us a small insight to your brain. DOB is random, but his randomness adheres to the situation at least.
Contrary to popular belief, reading someone else’s stream of consciousness isn’t that interesting. Put a filter on it. Get an editor.
November 7th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
i have failed to not have read a single goosebumps book ever, so maybe thats why I don’t get this.
Or
Cody has just failed as a comedy writer. I say FAIL
November 7th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
its pathetic how often you all seem to whinge about certain articles or writers etc who feature on this site.
wouldnt it make sense simply to avoid their stuff if you dont like it?
for example, i cant stand the smell of wet dog food. but i dont eat it, then whinge how terrible it tastes and smells.
November 7th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
To the people who show up on every Cody article saying he still sucks: Maybe you just don’t get his style, so just skip every Cody article from now on so you can stop posting that he wasted your 5 minutes. I have long since done that with DOB’s stuff.
November 7th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Andrea if ur refering to mine than cody truely needs to fuck the fuck of from cracked!! cause i am not trying to be funny!
Just openly mocking u in front of all cracked readers
November 7th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
I don’t recall the ridiculous Goosebumps stories of my childhood, but the silliness of this article alone had me laughing.
November 7th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Do I have to feel sad for Cody because I find the comments themselves, troll/kiss-ass/neutral/etc, funnier than his own articles?
November 7th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
I found this hilarious and am pretty sure that that makes me a bad person.
November 7th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
mindblowing? HA! maybe hes been blowing you just to get at least one person to say this artical was good
CODY SUCKS! U ARE THE WORST CRACKED WRITER EVER!!!
November 7th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Awesome structure. The narrator gag, was mindblowing.
November 7th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Seriously, please stop writing. Your stuff is NOT funny at all
November 7th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
That was seriously fantastic. Good stuff.
November 7th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
Cody’s videos are usually nice, but I really don’t like any of his articles.
November 7th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
????????? help?
November 7th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
i wish aaron would give me deep thought. sounds super special
November 7th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
DOW BLAG FARLAGARAG!!!! BAOW BOYCODYLICKSARSE!! RAGFA! HAGHAGHAG!
im not retarded, im a sped-tard
November 7th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
“havn’t got laid in a while cause i’m only 14 dick cock ball sack!
so stop pining your shit on others so it will take the attention of whats your ass most of they day!
(for all you dumb shits out there, he has a dick up his ass)”
This is the best comment ever. And by “best” I mean “most retardedly awful.” I’m going to use “dick cock ball sack!” whenever I want an argument to end. There’s no way the other person in the argument would not crack up at something so ridiculous.
November 7th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
I loved this. I’m going to name my first child Jomathy, if I ever have a child
November 7th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
I actually really freaking loved this. I read Goosebumps books throughout my entire childhood, and this reads like a lovely summation of all of them.
Thanks, Cody, for allowing me to relive my childhood without the bullshit.
November 7th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
i think aaron may be a retard…
November 7th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
I think I know why I wasn’t able to comment on this article earlier. Cody had to think up enough names to flood the section to even out the negative comments. Boo, I say. Boo.
November 7th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
That was alright.
Ok, no, that was pretty bad.
November 7th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
havn’t got laid in a while cause i’m only 14 dick cock ball sack!
so stop pining your shit on others so it will take the attention of whats your ass most of they day!
(for all you dumb shits out there, he has a dick up his ass)
November 7th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Cody is the only contributer on cracked who never makes me laugh, chuckle, giggle, chortle, etc etc. I am just saying, funny or GTFO
November 7th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
The part where Glee gets fired is pretty funny.
November 7th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
I think Aaron hasn’t gotten laid in a very, very long time.
November 7th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY! IT WAS GAY!
November 7th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
that was the gayest hunk of shit ever! and the guy who wrote it is also gay! he likes giving deep thought cause hes dirty, yer thats right your a dirty boy, get in the shower and wash it off but cant cause it crawling under your skin festering and multiplying you will soon be so full of gay you’ll explode in a sort of gay/orgy while at Garys gay-bash from across the street, and you threw it for him on the hope you’ll get to give him deep thought, cause your dirty, and you like that don’t you? cause your dirty……
November 7th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
2/5? why the hell are you rating it?
oh hell. that was way too funny honestly, the accuracy and puns were incredible.
November 7th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
This is one of the first Cody article’s i’ve read and i really liked it. Great stuff.
November 7th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Concerened, that’s your name? And you left a comment like that? You are the waste of blood and oxygen because you obviously have a supreme case of veritgo because you head is so much like an ass and eveything coming out is shit.
Oh I liked this article much better than the rest, I heard they canned the slutty girls in slutty costumes video, this angers the King Clown Goomba and he demands it be put back up!!! I mean if they did only get rid of it because a few ass bastards can’t see potential…
November 7th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
2/5
Improvement over most of your early shit, but I still think your best work so far is the Epic/Disaster/Superhero Movie list.
Also, a deconstruction of a “horror” series for 7-year-olds doesn’t exactly count as high-quality humor. In fact, it didn’t even feel like a deconstruction; the first part didn’t feel accurate (though I haven’t read Goosebumps in years, maybe I’m wrong), and the only thing that stands out as resembling something from Goosebumps is the “I’m pretty sure you just want to turn me into a mask anyway” bit.
Also, disabling comments was a dick move. Take your criticism like a man.
November 7th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Gay as a fucking may pole fuck you again and again till your rectum is in tatters Cody you fucktasticular waste of blood and oxygen
November 7th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
I love your stuff. the Garren(ted) and Garren(Warney) bit had me in stitches.
November 7th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
hahahahaha.. that was hilarious. The whole did you call me Garren joke thing was so funny.
Keep up the good work. 
November 7th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
It keeps bouncing back and forth between chuckle-worthy and WTF is this?? 3 stars.
November 7th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Pretentious comedy professors don’t seem to be amused, keep up the great work!
November 7th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
I really love your stuff, Cody. So surreal, yet so stupidly hilarious. You’re brilliant. Ignore the haters.
November 7th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
I’m just drunk enough to leave a negative comment. Sir, is your doctorate in mediocrity? How can articles like this dare to stand alongside the dongtacular missives of D.O.B, the skilled double, neigh, TRIPLE entendre of Brockway, or the brain-scalding hyperbole of Seanbaby? I daresay that it cannot. RESIGN SIR!
Change my mind folks, I’m just not getting it.
November 7th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
this is awesome. i’ve seen the mask episode of goosebumps far too many times, and you, my friend, have nailed it.
cody is my home boy
November 7th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Holy shit! This is a masterpiece of meta-humor. At first, I couldn’t figure out if you were an idiot or a genius, and I guess I have my answer.
November 7th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
another epic fail for cody. kill yourself already. kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself
fucking hate you cody
November 7th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
I lost it at “Warney screamed as his femur snapped. The pain was unbelievable. He wiped blood from his mouth. All the while, of course, Garren was glarin’.”
November 7th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
That was a note perfect parody. The fact that the braying cattle at Digg don’t agree cements how funny this was.
November 7th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
“It’s not foreshadowing if you just say it, right?”
Amazing. The funniest thing I read in a while. Perfectly reminds me of Goosebumps back in the day, with the TTTRM treatment.
November 7th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
that was awesome. you should do this again sometime. i mean we, whatever. you and i, lets do this again. this being you write a story and i read it and…you know what? just keep being a funny motherfucker.
November 7th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
“Warney jumped with Glee. Glee was another young mask-enthusiast who worked at the shop.”
So Simple, so stupid, so hilarious.
November 7th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
funny stuff man. keep it up. i miss those good ol’ goosebumps days….
November 7th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
An unarguably good article. Looks like people are going to stop picking on the new guy now. Glad to have you around and pumping out stuff, Cody.
November 7th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
So Warney is OK right? He got away from Garren Ted(?) right? I have to know!!
I seriously enjoyed this. It was kinda like the stuff I find written with feces in my brothers room when he’s having one of his “good days”.
November 7th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Should I be offended? My dad’s name is Garren. Aw, man. *bows head in shame*
November 7th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Just laughed my fucking ass off at the second story. Definitely jibes with my memories of Goosebumps, too. Good stuff.
November 7th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Wow dude u ARE insane. I mean, I had heard the rumours, but I never imagined it would be this awesome.
November 7th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Yes. Perfectly describes my vague memories of the Goosebumps saga.
November 7th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
This was hilarious. I knew you’d get your footing with the article writings soon enough. I rarely laugh out loud when reading humour but this got me a few times.
November 7th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
[...] My Failed Attempts to Write a Goosebumps Novel Found 14 hours, 30 minutes ago The Mask Next Door Everyone hates masks At least that8217s what Warney thought Warney was a bit on the hate side of most things actually So much so that he even hated people who hated masks 8220What a complex character we8217re dealing with8221 thought the narrator as he pat himself on the back How wrong he was From: http://www.cracked.com [...]
November 7th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
i lol’d at the garren ted and garren warney dialogue. pretty clever stuff.
November 7th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
so you must call garren ted garren garren and you must call warney garren, no no no that can`t be right… great article, although i wouldn’t get your hopes up with the horror novel buisness, your true calling is in making people laugh, not scream
great article ^^
November 7th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Cody, you are completely insane, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.
November 7th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
That was really funny. God job, Cody.
November 7th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Hey, comments are back! I’m the first comment! Awesome!