My Brief Time As Iron Man's Sidekick
My Brief Time as Iron Man's Sidekick
INT. STARK EXPO STAGE
Millions of fans, reporters and celebrities are gathered together at the Stark Expo. Iron Man-inspired dancers perform provocative routines on stage as IRON MAN descends from above. A complex system of machines remove the Iron Man suit to reveal TONY STARK, in a full tuxedo.
STARKOh, it's good to be back!
The crowd cheers.
INT. BACKSTAGE
PEPPER POTS, JAMES RHODES and DOB are backstage, watching Tony Stark charm this enormous and excited crowd.
PEPPER
I'm worried about Tony.
DOB
The billionaire superhero? I think he'll be fine. I think those are the only two things that are always fine.
RHODES
Me too. He's just taking on more than he can handle.
PEPPER
He always does this, but I just fear he'll be in over his head this time.
RHODES
I don't know why he thinks he has to do this on his own, it doesn't make sense.
DOB
Oh, I don't know, I think it makes about as much sense as forty million people showing up for a God damned science convention.
PEPPER
He's going to slip sooner or later, I just don't know what's going to happen.
RHODES
I'll handle it.
DOB
Seriously, look at the size of this freaking crowd. For a large-scale Science Fair, that's all this is, right? I mean, I won't even turn on the Discovery Channel unless I can be guaranteed I'm going to see some monkeys fucking, and all of these people showed up for a Tech Expo?
STARK
(Addressing the crowd.)
Presenters, don't worry if you don't get a chance to show off your inventions tonight, the Stark Expo goes all year long.
DOBAll year long, was that a joke? Did people travel for this? Does anybody work? Can you guys even hear me?
PEPPER
I just wish he would let one of us in, so we could help him.
DOB
Alright fuck you guys.
EXT. CAR RACE TRACK
A bunch of cars are driving around a track INCREDIBLY FAST. Suddenly, WHIPLASH emerges from the pit crew with two giant, electric whips. He promptly whips the shit out of everything, including Tony Stark's car. He slices the car in half, and then throws a bunch of shit at Tony.
PEPPER
Oh my God, Tony!
RHODES
Oh no!
DOB
Whoa ho ho now, here we go!
PEPPER
Are you laughing?DOB
Sorry, Pot face, I'm just happy to finally see something in a superhero movie that isn't a science expo or a congressional hearing. I'm weird like that.
PEPPER
What's Tony going to do without his suit?
RHODES
Watch out, Tony! Watch out for his whips!DOB
Wow, just stellar work, Rhodey.
PEPPER
This is a highly exclusive event- how did that maniac even get in here?
DOB
He came with me. He's cool.
WHIPLASH looks to DOB and they both raise their fists in the air (like they just don't care) for solidarity.
PEPPER
You let that maniac in here? What if he kills Tony?
DOB
He's a bastard lunatic Russian whose super suit leaves his skin seventy percent exposed in a time when bullets exist. If someone can't stop him by shooting or, let's be honest, just like throwing a rock at him or something then, frankly, we all deserve to die.
WHIPLASH
I vill crush you, Stark.
DOB
Yeah, you tell him, Ivan Drago.
RHODES
That's Ivan Vanko, not Drago.
DOB
Bullshit.
TONY STARK finally gets his Iron Man suit on and starts fighting Whiplash.
WHIPLASH
He's not human, he's like a piece of iron.
DOB
Aaaaand the defense rests.
RHODES
That doesn't prove-
DOB
Aaaaand suck it, Rhodey.
INT. STARK'S WORKSHOP
Tony Stark and DOB are discussing Tony's reckless lifestyle.
DOB
At any rate, the doctors say that her baby will probably be fine. Full disclosure: I don't feel even an ounce of guilt.
STARK
That's fine, but we were actually discussing my issue.
DOBUgh. Are we still on you?
Tony lifts up his shirt to reveal dark veins appearing in the area around the arc reactor core that acts as his heart.
STARK
Now, remain calm.
DOBWhat the fuck?
STARK
I said "remain ca-"
DOB
Fuck your calm, what is up with your freaking chest, that is the grossest thing ever. Your veins are all popping and dark and- No, I'm sorry, but you are just the worst, that is awful and disgusting and I hate you.
STARK
It's the Paladium in my chest, it's making-
DOB starts throwing various objects at TONY STARK. Whatever he can find, really.
DOB
Ah! Ah ah ah- no, don't- I don't want to know about your weird black poison vein disease, thanks very much. That is just gross. You are gross.
STARK
I need you to focus, because I think I can reverse it if-
DOB
Is it spreading to your neck now? Nooo, fuck that. Fuck that forever.
STARK
Okay, then I'm just dying, then.
DOB
Oh thank God.
STARK
What would you do if you knew you were dying?
DOB
I'd start by never showing anyone my horrifying freak-out veins that, by the way, have reached your face and you're acting like it ain't even a thing. But beyond that, I'd do whatever I wanted.
CUT TO
INT. STARK'S HOUSE
It's his birthday, so Tony Stark is dressed in an Iron Man suit and drunk off his ass.
DOB
This is in no way what I meant. You could have easily done this regardless of how close to death you are, it's what rich people do.
Tony tries scratching a record and does a little dance.
DOB
Oh, excellent, a superhero dancing like an idiot, I'm glad we saved that from the Spider-Man franchise. Super excited that dancing made the cut, that's awesome, you guys are really tapped in to what the fans want.
STARK
Woo!
RHODES
Tony! You need to be cool. I'm here to shut this party down.
DOB
Aren't you a colonel in the military?
RHODES
It's time to end this, Tony.
DOB
Seriously, shouldn't- Isn't there anything better you can be doing than crashing parties in Malibu?
RHODES gets into HIS Iron Man suit and the two Iron Men FIGHT EACH OTHER. Tony's house gets completely destroyed, he gets knocked unconscious and Rhodes flies away.
DOB
Thank you colonel?
EXT. SCARLETT JOHANSSON'S ASS
We pump zoom in and out on Scarlett Johansson's Ass for about 8 minutes.
EXT. Some PARK or SCIENCE EXPO. Basically any place where there'd be a massive crowd.
DOB and TONY STARK are in their respective IRON MAN costumes. Suddenly, about 20 giant robots encircle them and pause, menacingly.
STARK
We got company.
DOB
Are they seriously just standing around looking at us? Since when do robots engage in intimidation? What could that possibly accomplish?
STARK
So I figure I'll take the high ground, you take low, and we just split up the amount of robots we have to fight.
DOB
Oh, we're going to fight? I don't even think it'll come to that. The robots might just whip out cigarettes and leather jackets in accordance with their non violent psychological attack strategy.
The robots finally advance and we get the second action sequence out of this entire movie.
DOB
YES! Yes, FUCK YES! Things are happening! I'm the best!
TONY
Duck!
DOB
What? You duck, I'm fighting robots.
TONY fires LASERS that kill all of the robots, about 13 seconds into the fight.
DOB
I hate you so much.
"Nooo, f**k that. f**k that forever." Oh dear God, Dan, I can't handle how awesome you are sometimes!
ReplyAbsolutely brilliant :L
ReplySo why aren't you this badass on Agents of Cracked?
ReplyBecause that's a character. His real life is an alcoholic rage fueled by awesomeness.
dan you are awesome! gladstone is an idiot for not letting you be funny on hate by numbers
ReplyCan you make more of these? I think Twilight would be hilarious...hmmm...maybe you could tie one in when the next eragon book gets released. I like those books, but they're full of gaping plot holes. Gaping. Heh.
ReplyHoles. Heh.
You are my favorite cracked writer, and attractive too. I second somnambulus; I will also have your babies.
Reply"I’m sorry, but you are just the worst, that is awful and disgusting and I hate you." DOB i wanna have your babies.
ReplyDOB, I wanna film the process of her making your babies.
Must fufil Rule 35 on her Rule 34.
Great article. Normally i don't like your "my time as _________" articles, but this is good.
Reply"Is it spreading to your neck now? Nooo, f**k that. Fuck that forever."
Replylol i laughed so hard
that's about right, this movie felt ridiculously long. We could have lost two or three intricate plot points and cut in like four or five major action scenes. The whole movie was kind of sad because by the end i felt it could have actually been a good movie if not so loaded down with extraneous plot.
ReplyFuck you O'Brien. Fuck you for being funny to the point that I realize I have no hope of ever being considered funny. Well, I've still got funny looking...
ReplyThis article was more "snicker" funny than "OMG HI-LARIOUS HAHAHA" funny, but seeing how DOB has made me laugh so consistently over the last couple years, I'm more than willing to chalk this up as Dan being too frustrated with "Iron Man 2" to muster up many jokes. Kind of like how I felt after seeing it, actually. Which reminds me, someone should punch Sam Rockwell in the throat.
ReplyI got the impression he was half drunk and all hitting-on-Mickey-Rourke throughout the entire film. It was creepy.
This article is fake and gay.
ReplyJust like the superhero movie industry. OH I WENT THERE.
About the thousands of people there for Stark expo for a whole year, just think about the millions who travelled to Chicago or St Louis for World's fairs back in the day. Same thing. Oh and the movie strongly implied that the fair his father designed was EPCOT, and millions visit that City of Tommorow as well. So I buy it.
ReplyBack in the day. Different world.
The start of that movie was so bad it was funny, but later I got into it.
ReplyIn preparation for reading this, I broke my rule of reading all 3 articles every day, went and downloaded the movie, watched it and came back today to read this. That's right, I didn't read the article to remember and laugh at the movie, I watched the movie to be able to fully enjoy the article. And it did not disappoint!
ReplySaw "Iron Man 2" today. Thought there might be a more clamatic showdown with Mickey Rourke's face. And what's better than fighting one robot? 100 robots!
ReplyWere you unsure whether to go for 'climatic' or 'dramatic' so you just mixed the 2?
I generally like DOB's article, and I DO agree that Iron man 2 was pretty gay. But this time I gota say, so was this article.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesGay? Its more of a journey to Tony Stark's past. If you want gay, watch Topgun...."you can be my wingman anytime!";)
Iron Man 2 was disappointing,but if you buy the DVD,skip around to the action sequences,and don't think about it too much,it's still a nice movie.
No, jericoparazo, you can be mine.
Ba-do-do-do-do Hiiighwaaay tooo the danger zone!
This article summed up the retardedness that is Iron Man 2 nicely. Congratulations DOB. You should win money.
ReplyHmm.. The title reminds me of how good Iron Man 2 was. That's about all this is good for.
ReplyOkay, but how funny do think an article about Iron Man 2 being a good movie would be?