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My Brief Time as a Student at Hogwarts

DAY 1

[RON, HERMIONE, HARRY and Hogwarts' newest student, DOB, are seated at that big cafeteria or whatever, discussing this and that. DOB tells a story, smirking like an asshole.]

DOB

And then I says, "More like SHITerin!" Get it?

RON

Yes.

DOB

Because I took a shit in the sorting hat.

RON

I said yes.DOB

And I said kiss dick, guy, I was talking to Hermione.

HERMIONE

It was a lovely joke.

DOB

Bam. Two points, Ron, count it.

[RON slumps in his chair.]

HARRY

I have a bad feeling about this year, guys. Something deep in the pit of my stomach.

HERMIONE

I know what you mean.

DOB

Yeah, totally. Say, by the way, Hermione, when you turnin' 15, girl? That happening soon, or what?

RON

Fifteen is still illegal in this state. In all states, everywhere.

DOB

This fuckin- What is your problem, guy? Was someone talking to you? Christ, go eat that chocolate that turns people into rats or whatever.

HARRY

[Quietly]

That's not this movie.

RON

You're thinking of Witches.DOB

Actually I'm thinking of eat shit, Beasley, what is your deal?

DAY 4

[HARRY is in his dorm room getting ready for the OBLIGATORY GAME OF POINTLESS QUIDDITCH. DOB is quietly planting HARD WIZARD DRUGS in RON'S DRESSER.]

HARRY

Alright, DOB, I'm about to head out to the big game. Are you sure you don't want to play?

DOB

Nah. I'ma try to call Hermione so we can set up our own game of Quidditch, if you catch my boner.

HARRY

Right. See you later, then.

DOB

Yeah, man, go- Jesus. Is that how you're going to dress?

HARRY

I... this is traditional wizard garb, for Quidditch, I thought-

DOB

Yeesh. Boo. It looks like a shitty community theater is staging a musical version of my nightmares and you're auditioning for the female lead.

HARRY

I'm not sure I-

DOB

You look like the worst kind of lesbian.

HARRY

Got it.

DAY 9

[DUMBLEDORE,an old fellow with a long beard who constantly dresses in robes, has gathered a few of the students in his PRIVATE QUARTERS to tell them some SECRETS, which is probably a good idea in a movie/book that is aimed at LITTLE CHILDREN.]

HERMIONE

Dumbledore, it's not fair.DOB

Oh, hell yeah, you tell him, 'Mione.

HARRY

It really is unfortunate, Dumbledore, is there nothing we can do?

HERMIONE

This is ruining all of my plans!

DUMBLEDORE

I'm sorry, but there's not much I can do. We're short staffed, so I'm afraid I can't offer Potions as a course this year.

DOB

Is that what we're all pissed about? This is the stupidest wizard camp ever.

HERMIONE

I'm certain that class would earn me high enough marks to make it to the top of the school.

DUMBLEDORE

It's out of my hands! I'm afraid with our high level of mysterious murders, fewer and fewer teachers want to work here.

DOB

Yeah, that'll do it.

HARRY

Could Snape double up on a class?

RON

Or couldn't we cut one of the other courses?

HERMIONE

It's because Professor Slughorn left. He could have taught this class. He was supposed to, wasn't he?

DOB

Who's Slughorn?

HARRY

We need Slughorn. We need to get him back.

DOB

Hey, guys, who's Slughorn?

RON

Good luck with that. He's gone off to live with the Muggles, he's in hiding.

HARRY

But we can find him... With Dumbledore's help!

DOB

Alright fuck you guys.

DUMBLEDORE

It can be done. I can track him down... Do you think you children could convince him to come back?

HARRY

I'm positive!

DOB

What an awesome plot for a movie about wizards.

DAY 14

[Our heroes are stuck on an island, surrounded by a bunch of little PALE GOBLINS OR SOMETHING.]

RON

This looks dangerous! What'll we do, Harry?

HARRY

Our magic is blocked here, for some reason, we can't disapparate, there's some kind of enchantment. We're running out of options.

DOB

[Slowly waking from an ALCOHOL-INDUCED COMA]

Oh, man, that was a- Oh, for fuck's sake are you kidding me? What have you morons gotten us into?

HARRY

Thank goodness you're awake, we've got to-

DOB

Yeah, listen, shut up for like 10 seconds, here, it's a little early for your shit, know what I mean?

HARRY

I apologize.

RON

It's seven o'clock at night...

DOB

More like... stupid o'cock at... at all over your face, and there's... Oh go fuck yourself, Ron, no one's talking to you.

[HARRY nods in agreement.]

DOB

Alright, I'll get us out of this. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, let's think about this. Fuck. We can't use magic, Hermione's probably still asleep and incredibly sore, and I broke Dumbledore's wand for a reason I can't immediately remember. We've got an army of Gollum's happening right now, I say our only option is feeding them Ron's gay face and converting the rest of Ron into a boat that we can paddle to shore. Or maybe we'll just turn him into, like, a puppet or something, whichever's funnier. That guy's the worst.

HARRY

We can't! And those aren't Gollums, you're confusing franchises again.

DOB

What? Bullshit those aren't Gollums. (Addressing the Gollums): Yo, which one of you pygmies wants the precious?

HARRY

I'm telling you, that's not-

SMEAGOL

I would like the precious...

DOB

Boom! Three pointer. Ron, give those little bastards the precious.

RON

What would that even-

[DOB swiftly pushes RON into the little GOLLUMS, who immediately start clawing at his stupid flesh.]

DOB

Swish! I'm the best.

DAY 17

[HARRY, RON, DOB and some of the other RANDOM INTERCHANGEABLE STUDENTS are discussing women problems.]

RON

It's so difficult. I know Hermione fancies me, but I just started dating Lavendar, and it would be unfair of her if I abandoned our relationship. But HERMIONE and I are such good friends.

DOB

Uh huh.

HARRY

And I'm in love with Ron's sister, but I don't know how she feels about me, and I don't know what that would do to our friendship.

SOME OTHER KID

My word, these are tricky situations!

DOB

Tell me about it. I heard Ron cries when he poops.

RON

That's just a rumor, where did you hear it?

DOB

I forget, I think some guy screamed it while he was boning Hermione in my car last night. We're getting off topic here, the point is Harry's sad about some bullshit or whatever.

DUMBLEDORE

I know what we need, we need something to take our minds off our girl troubles, and Ron's unfortunate toilet situation.

RON

It's not-

DOB

Like a baby, Dr. Wizard, a giant, pooping baby, it's awful.

DAY 20

[RON, HARRY and DOB are visiting their CREEPY, ELDERLY PROFESSOR SLUGHORN who hands them UNMARKED GLASSES FULL OF SOME LIQUID, and the children all take the drinks, because Hogwarts teaches BULLSHIT DRAGON MAGIC and INVISIBLE BROOM-HUMPING instead of D.A.R.E and COMMON SENSE. RON takes a sip and almost immediately starts stumbling and clutching his throat. He falls to the floor.]

HARRY

Ron! What's wrong?

RON

[Coughing.]

This... wine is... poison.HARRY

No!

DOB

Poison?

RON

Yes!

DOB

Deadly?

RON

[A crushed gasp.]

Yes.

DOB

Moving it slow?

RON

[The life draining.]

Yeah... I guess.

DOB

Lookin' for a mellow fellow like DeVoe?

RON

[Turning blue.]

...what?

HARRY

Not now, DOB. Don’t worry, we'll save you, Ron. We've got to do something, quick!

PROFESSOR SLUGHORN

I'll call the authorities.

DOB

Let's cure it 'cause we're runnin' outta time!

PROFESSOR SLUGHORN

Yeah, we got it, DOB. It'll be alright, Ron, we'll get through this.

HARRY

If I knew what the poison was, I could reverse it!

DOB

Oh, I know!

HARRY

How do you know?

DOBMe and the crew used to do her! Bam!

HARRY

Oh, Goddammit, shut up, we need to save Ron.

DOB

Eh.

PROFESSOR SLUGHORN

Who could have done this?

HARRY

The one whose name we dare not speak, I'm sure he was behind it.

DOB

I may have an idea.

PROFESSOR SLUGHORN

Or it could've been Draco! He's always had it out for Ron.

HARRY

Oh, fucking Draco, that's right, it was probably him, too.

DOB

Was it a big butt, Ron? A smile? Did you trust them? Because, really-

PROFESSOR SLUGHORN

He hasn't much time left!

HARRY

Hang in there, buddy.

DOB-you should never trust a big butt and a-HARRY AND SLUGHORN

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

DOB

P-P-P-P-Poison!


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Daniel O'Brien

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