DAY 1:
The crew of the USS ENTERPRISE stands at attention in a single line as CAPTAIN KIRK addresses them. DOB walks next to KIRK, smirking like an asshole, his shirt untucked and a cigarette behind his ear.
KIRK
Ladies and Gentleman, this is Mr. O’Brien, he’ll be joining our crew as a reporter of some kind.
DOB
Space Journalist, Jim, and it’s a pleasure to be here. But, please, “Mr. O’Brien” sounds so formal, call me “DOB.”
KIRK
Very well, DOB.
DOB
Mister DOB.
KIRK
…I’d like to introduce you to the rest of our crew. This is SPOCK, my trusted friend.
DOB
Yeah, how’s it going.
KIRK
…Dr. McCoy, our medical officer, we all call him “BONES.”
DOB
Uh huh.
KIRK
This is Mr. Sulu.
DOB
Right, how ya doin’.
KIRK
This is Ms Uhura, Communications.
DOB
Ooh, wassup girl, yeah, what it do, baby?
He flashes some GANG SIGNS. UHURA shifts nervously in place.
KIRK
This is CHEKOV.
CHEKOV
(Russian accent)
Pleased to be meeting you, Sir.
As KIRK introduces the rest of the crew, DOB continues to stare at CHEKOV, uneasily.
KIRK
Basically, we explore the final frontier, make contact with alien races and spread peace throughout the galaxy.
DOB
(Leaning in to CHEKOV. In a menacing whisper)
Hey. Hey. Having a good time? Comrade?
CHEKOV
I’m… I’m sorry?
DOB
Kruschev, gorbachev russkin rasputin, eh? Kremlin!?
CHEKOV
What?
DOB
You heard me, Boris. That’s Russian for “I’m on to you, Commie Pig. You won’t get away with this.”
CHEKOV
I don’t think it is.
DOB
Borscht.
DAY 3:
Captain KIRK and SPOCK are engaging in a game of ridiculous space chess.
SPOCK
Your move, Captain. Though I shall tell you, after your next move I will have you in check mate.
KIRK
(With a slight smirk.)
Have I ever told you it’s irritating to play a game of chess with you?
SPOCK
Irritating, ah yes, one of your human emotions.
DOB
This is fucking stupid.
Ignoring DOB, KIRK moves his chess piece to a surprising spot on the board! SPOCK is irritated.
KIRK
I guess you do understand irritation.
DOB
We’re in space for shit’s sake, why are you playing chess?
SPOCK
(Ignoring DOB)
Only because my ancestor took an Earth Woman as a wife.
DOB
Oh, hold up, for real? You’re, like, a Vulclatto, or whatever?
SPOCK
That’s, perhaps, the most crude way you could have phrased that, but, yes.
DOB
Sweet, okay, so I’m thinking about doing a little cross-racial porking of my own, if you catch my space drift. (Pause.) I’m going to have sex with the black chick who hangs around on this ship. What’s her name? Hurptutu?
KIRK
Her name’s Uhura. And she’s directly behind you, like three inches away from you.
She was clearly there the whole time and now stares at the floor, the personification of uncomfortable.
DOB
I know.
DAY 8:
The crew is gathered around, looking at what appears to be an abandoned, ancient ship.
KIRK
Any survivors?
BONES
It’s possible, I am detecting some faint heartbeats.
SPOCK
The damages to the hull are considerable, but not enough to make the ship impossible to live in.
CHEKOV
The ship looks like something out of a history book, an old, ancient American wessel.
DOB
(under his breath)
This fuckin’ guy.
KIRK
I didn’t know any Earth vessels made it this far before.
SPOCK
Historically speaking, they haven’t, Captain.
KIRK
Can we check the starship registry?
SPOCK
It’s unlikely that we’ll find the ship registered, Sir. Records that far back are, at best, fragmentary.
KIRK
I wonder… I wonder if this might be a lost ship, floating idly for years, the crew preserved in some way.
DOB
Should I fire all the missiles?
KIRK
Circling the strange galaxy, desperate for contact, searching for their lost home.
BONES
Judging by the look, they’d have to have been cruising since the late nineties. They’ve probably long since abandoned all hope. Just imagine.
KIRK
Cut off from outside contact for centuries, desperately holding out hope.
DOB
(Hitting a random combination of buttons.)
Firing all the missiles.
ENTIRE CREW
NO!
DAY 11:
CHEKOV is eating alone in the space cafeteria. DOB approaches and swiftly knocks CHEKOV’S food to the ground.
DOB
You may have everyone fooled, Stalin, but not this guy. This guy’s been around the space block.
CHEKOV
I don’t even know what you’re accusing me of!
DOB
Don’t play dumb with me, Commie, these colors don’t run.
CHEKOV
You think I’m a communist? You don’t really get how the future works, do you?
DOB
I’m watching you, Raskolnikov.
There is a long pause, while DOB continues to glare.
CHEKOV
I’m…I’m sorry, how long is this going to take?
DOB
Just until I run out of Russian names to call you, Fievel Mousekewitz. I - Nope, that was the last one. Take care!
He exits, whistling.
DAY 13:
DOB enters SCOTTY’S room, a six pack of SPACE BEER in one hand and a NINJA THROWING STAR in the other.
DOB
SCOTTY! What’s the happy-haps, my man?
SCOTTY
HI!…Oh…Hey, I’m sorry. The Captain…Captain says I’m not s’posed to talk to you anymore.
DOB
Why the hell not?
SCOTTY
He said it’s on account of how last time we hung out you made me beam CHEKOV to an abandoned planet and leave him there.
DOB
For the good of ship!
SCOTTY
Anyway, Captain KIRK says you’re a bad influence.
DOB
Pssh. Captain KIRK. More like Craptain Jerk, am I right?
SCOTTY
Heh. Hehehe, yeah. I guess you are right.
DOB
Awesome! So we’re pals?
SCOTTY
Yeah.
DOB
Great. So, I beamed down to this planet to search for alternative sources of fuel, right? And I met this green alien chick. Or kidnapped her. Whatever. Anyway, do you want to film me porking her?
SCOTTY
Yes. Yes I do.
DOB
Shit yeah!
DAY 14:
DOB approaches an already uncomfortable UHURA on the bridge.
DOB
Whoa ho ho! Why, hello there, Uhurba.
UHURA
It’s Uhura.
DOB
Yeah, we’re having a good time.
He glances at his crotch and reacts in mock shock, widening his eyes and throwing up his hands.
DOB
WHOA! Is that an erection in my pocket, or am I just boner to see you?
UHURA
That’s not how that joke works.
DOB
(Adjusting a dial that for some reason exists on the front of his space pants.)
Beep boop. Setting wiener to “stun,” Captain, beep boop.
UHURA
What are you-
DOB
ENERGIZE!
DAY 18:
KHAN, a leader of EARTH’S EUGENICS WAR of the Nineties, lays in a bed in the sickbay of the Enterprise, seemingly unconscious. BONES enters to check on the patient. As soon as BONES gets close, KHAN grabs him by his throat and holds up a scalpel, stolen while BONES was out DOING SOMETHING. DOB sits over in the corner, his shoes off, his feet propped up on a desk. He eats an apple.
DOB
(Chuckling)
Oh ho ho, shit, he got you, Boner.
BONES
(Terrified.)
O’Brien, hurry, grab a security officer, KHAN must’ve gotten a scalpel while we weren’t looking!
DOB
Oh, I saw him.
BONES
WHAT?
KHAN
It’s true.
DOB
Yeah, he does his thing, I do my thing. We’re cool.
DOB and KHAN shoot each other some “What’s up” nods.
DOB
Yeah. We’re cool. He seems like an okay guy.
KHAN
Thank you.
DOB
Ain’t no thing.
BONES
For God’s sake, he headed Earth’s Eugenics War!
DOB
Uh huh.
BONES
He tried to wipe out entire races of people.
DOB
Get right outta town.
BONES
He’s choking me right now.
DOB
Maybe he is maybe he isn’t. I’m not a doctor, that’s not my call to make. Ask the doctor.
BONES
(Turning blue)
I’m the doctor.
DOB
Word?
(low)
Hey, can you get me some Space Percocet or what?
DAY 20:
The bridge is shaking and sparks are flying. Emergency lights flash and sirens blare as red-shirted crew members fall to their victimless deaths. KIRK, his hair mussed and a bit of blood trickling down his forehead, holds onto the controls, firmly against the violent rocking of the ship.
KIRK
Alright, we can get through this, but I need everyone to work together on-
He is interrupted when DOB throws a large bundle of trash right at him.
DOB
SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP HOLY FUCKING SHIT SHUT UP WE’RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE!
KIRK
We’re going to be fine, we just-
DOB continues to pelt him with trash.
DOB
WHY AREN’T YOU SHUTTING UP!? I hate you I hate you I hate you.
He flips off CHEKOV and runs away.
KIRK
Okay, that’s fine, we didn’t really need him.
BONES
What kind of journalist is he?
CHEKOV
I’ve never seen him take down a single note.
SULU
He stole my throwing stars…
KIRK
It’s fine, we’ll get rid of-
CHEKOV
Uh, Captain, I think you should take a look out the window.
We see DOB, wearing two space suits, cruising away in an ESCAPE POD. He’s also managed to set off every single remaining escape pod, somehow, and they sail listlessly through space, completely empty.
KIRK
Shit.
This entry was posted on Friday, May 8th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Star Trek. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 11th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Haters be damned - this was great!
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:45 am
LoL! I loved the bits with Chekov (but then I just love Chekov)! DOB, you’re too awesome.
October 17th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
http://www.ihatestevecommentingoncracked.com/id=1846644
September 16th, 2009 at 9:36 am
http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1846644
August 31st, 2009 at 7:18 pm
lol, Uhurba. Oh, God, that was freaking hilarious. The whole article had me laughing so hard I damn near pissed myself. Great ending, lmao.
August 16th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
I thought it was funny. Chekov scenes were the best.
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:00 am
Let me have your babies…lol. This article was a total panty creamer and ab workout rolled into one lmao
June 28th, 2009 at 12:05 am
I suppose I should include “from laughing like a retard” to that previous statement
June 28th, 2009 at 12:05 am
I was fucking drooling by the end of this shit
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
the chekov and scooty pieces were just great.
now i have to ask my russian teacher how to say communist in russian.
June 13th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
lame brother real lame!
June 10th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
Fucking hilarious. Especially the bit with Scotty, god damned awesome.
June 8th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
This was pretty great. I love the part that was from the episode “Where no man has gone before”. For the most part, I could see most of the characters acting as described
Awesome.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Nice one DOB. I don’t know what got so many other people so worked up. I found this to be quite funny.
June 2nd, 2009 at 9:25 am
mediocre at best…
May 30th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
When all your article can remind me of is Shredded Moose, you know something’s wrong with it.
May 29th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
good shit man!
May 28th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
This was not funny. I can’t even feel sorry for telling you how not funny it is, because it’s so bad I actually do not feel guilty at all for giving you negative criticism. You’ve written some funny things. This? Is just lame. Fails to be funny for a Star Trek joke and fails to be funny for a joke in general.
Better luck next time.
May 25th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
There were times when it wasn’t up to par, but for the most part it was absolutely hilarious! Way to go, just keep up the good work.
And he’s going to pay attention, not just shrug it off. Any good artist takes any kind of criticism as an opportunity to improve his or her craft. Trust me, I’m a musician. I welcome both positive and negative criticism so I can improve my playing ability with it. I do that wioth everything I do
May 20th, 2009 at 3:24 am
heh, its funny cuz i dont think many of you realise that no matter what you comment on any article, the writer of that article would not take heed if its just a few people that find something wrong with it, i mean 1 compliment and the writer will be happy, but 1 negative thing and the writer will just shrug it off, because unless someone is sayin something nice or funny, then who cares about them?
May 15th, 2009 at 7:26 am
You are by far the best writer (write her? i hardly know her!) on this site. I always enjoy your articles and am ashamed I am a week behind on this masterpiece.
May 13th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Hilarious, as usual! Haters to the left, please.
What makes the whole thing even better is the fact that day three is an actual scene from the episode “Where No Man Has Gone Before” (I swear I only know the episode name because I happened to watch it recently!). How am I the only person to have commented about that?
Why so nerdy, self?
May 13th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
ROFLMAO
this artucle is funny as shit
I wonder what happened to you after you left their spaceship
oh right, you came to earth and now you work at cracked
keep up the good work
May 13th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
GREAT ARTICLE. “This fuckin’ guy” The russian convo was hillarious. You are a champ
May 13th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Dan, marry me.
Your incredible mix of violence, misogyny and racism is precicesly what we need to get this country out of a recession.
i don’t exactly know how that would work… but i know it would.
May 13th, 2009 at 5:57 am
wtf?!?!
fuckin hilarious!!!
May 12th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
i love you dob, your hilarity never ends
May 12th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Cereal Dude… DID NOT!!!
May 12th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Did so!
May 12th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
hahhahahhahahhaahhahah!!!!>,< very entertaining!
May 12th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Did NOT!
May 12th, 2009 at 10:59 am
They started it.
May 12th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Yo Mama!
May 12th, 2009 at 9:46 am
What the hell is this crap on my Cracked? Both of you shut the hell up.
May 12th, 2009 at 9:41 am
The funny thing is that you people can’t seem to simply make a viable argument without resorting to sophomoric “momma” jokes. No wonder you think this article is funny.
May 12th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Seriously… from the heart: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=10&sku=ENGL-CD00394
May 12th, 2009 at 8:23 am
ow. that hurts. I see you’ve found a website that can do your “clever” thinking for you. That’s really super neat.
May 12th, 2009 at 8:14 am
She really is: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=32&sku=E-CD00257
May 12th, 2009 at 7:19 am
I can’t think of anything more pathetic than a horribly cliched tirade aimed at insulting the mother of a message board commentor who disagrees with you. Nobody is offended, ever, when you attack their mother anonomously. It just makes you look like a retard.
May 11th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
DOB’s shit is aight! werrrd.
May 11th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
XD i love this article. i was laughing so hard while reading it.
May 11th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
He craps out rainbow colored gerbils!
May 11th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Do you know how Andrew found out his Dad was gay?
When he went down on his Dad his dick tasted like shit!
May 11th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Hey… Dipshit! When you sit in your Mom’s basement (and you’re not busy watching her take showers with other men to pay the rent on your trailer) bitching at your favorite gay synchronized swim team blow their meet we don’t hear it on here like we would were we stupid enough to be caught in a room with your gay ass! People that write for this site do so for FREE entertainment. Do you think the negative comments on here with have them realign their writing style to suit a few people that can never be made happy?! What your welfare, fat, slutty mommy should have taught you (between taking it the ass from guys with 5 bucks to spare) is that if you cunt saying anything nice… shut your fucking cocksucker. Ahhh… you’re right. This freedom of speech directed towards strangers is fulfilling (just like your mom’s stinky, loose, dripping twat!). PS: is this your bitch…opps, I mean, is this your Mom? http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=4&sku=ENGL-CD00260
May 11th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Talk about a name that will get the shit kicked right out of your Homo genes… and that’s Andrew!
May 11th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Where did people suddenly get this idea that Cracked readers have no right to complain when they don’t find an article funny, simply because they can’t or don’t write comedy? By that token, no one should ever be upset when their sports team loses because, hey, it’s not like you’re out there playing. And don’t say it’s different because you pay to watch a game. I never pay to watch games, they’re on TV for free. And I still bitch when my team fucks up. If we weren’t allowed to criticize un-funny, shameless, whore promotion like this article, then Cracked should get rid of the comments. Otherwise the readers have every right to keep them honest when they try to pass off shit like this as comedy.
May 11th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
CUNTY!
May 11th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
STOP THE WHORING!
May 11th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Lol’d hard
May 10th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Take heed: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=29&sku=E-CD00262
May 10th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Let’s see you write better hotshot, big mouth, daddy-fucker. Let’s us draw our conclusions. Otherwise… don’t like what you read here on this free site… move your fat ass elsewhere, trying to be clever (but NOT) Poster.
May 10th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Did you mean to type: ‘… lit on fire.’ you moronic cunt?
May 10th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Sorry, this article is weak.
Your over-the-top “alternate ego” or should I say “Mirror world character” doesn’t fit at all.
I know that’s what you’re going for, because that formula can work sometimes. But this was TOO much, and just ended up being completely retarded.
If you were my child, and you put this on as a skit, I’d have you lighted on fire.
May 10th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
It made me giggle. I like how you’re a bad influence on Scotty. : )
May 10th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
I’m all of the above. Momus baby..
May 10th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
That was crap. I saw the movie and I liked it more than this… which is to say, at all. I mean, WOW. Normally you’re pretty good, but I coulda knocked this out while stoned and in a high-speed chase and suffering both amnesia and explosive diarrhea.
Anyone who actually thought this was funny obviously:
A. is suffering major brain-damage from a little too much of the paint-fumes.
B. harbors a secret desire to be DOB’s bitch.
C. is, in fact, DOB.
Doctorchaos’ and arrogantguy’s posts are both separately funnier than this article would be if you cloned it as many times as Tribbles reproduce in an hour. That would only result in the Suck increasing to the point of creating a Crappy Writing-fueled black hole.
Ugh. Also, YOU’RE a Commie.
May 10th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Beep Bop Boop.
May 10th, 2009 at 8:30 am
We’re ALL shocked… LOSER Motherfucker!
May 10th, 2009 at 7:48 am
This is so good. Like having-sex-with-the-arch-deacon-even-though-you-know-he’s-leaving-you-for-the-tranny-nun good.
Habadashery
May 10th, 2009 at 5:09 am
I cannot believe you actually wasted 5min writing this. And me reading it.
May 10th, 2009 at 4:56 am
Fucking EPIC!!!!!!!!!
May 9th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Spock would not say “The damages to the hull are considerable” as this is incorrect! Spock would say “The damage to the hull is conserable” or possibly, “The hull appears to have sustained considerable damage”
May 9th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
I can’t believe you didn’t touch on the fact that Scotty and Uhura dated as some point! Not in the actual series since it aired in the 60s, but in the movies. Totally should have been a drunken fight over naked Uhura photos.
May 9th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
HAWT! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=28&sku=E-CD00321
May 9th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
DoctorChaos,
Sweetpea. You need a life.
Enough already. Surely you made your point. Must we be victims? I care so fucking little about your shit. When you learn to amuse and be fun, should you be allowed back. In the meantime..go fuck the first guy you can find and get back to me.
May 9th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
HA! Loved the cartoony shallow character. I think it really helped make it funnier in that the crew mostly ignored you except for when it was made impossible to do so. Funny stuff man. It made me laugh, smile, and run to the bathroom to open a large #2 wormhole. I say that in comparison to your article was like a large meal that left me satisfied, full, and uuuuhhhh well you know……it has to come out sometime.
May 9th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
The only difference between sex and rape is salesmanship: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=28&sku=E-CD00379
May 9th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
hold up just a sec- so did dob get to fuck hurobo, or what? or was it technically rape? either way, i wanna see that tape he and scotty made… (;
May 9th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
I like this article. DOB, nice job again. I typically enjoy your articles, they’re the same weird, violent, zany brand of humour as the other stuff I laugh at, like The Might Boosh and other stuff like that.
I especially love your character, a violent, hateful arsehole with a confusing, deluded mind. I like to imagine that this all really happens, to the same person, every single week. One minute he’s fighting swine flu and wearing face-hats, the next he’s causing chaos in Enterprise, not forgetting that time a while ago when you were trying to figure out what type of wood a steel table was made out of.
Just make sure Brockway doesn’t surpass your insanity.
May 9th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Who tells you that… your Dad? http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=4&sku=ENGL-CD00317
May 9th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Your welcome. I have the vagina of a fifteen year-old..or so they tell me..
May 9th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Thx. 4 posting pics of your vagina! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=23&sku=E-CD00263
May 9th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Crap. While I am at it..those of you that went on for days; Kids. it’s a bitch to read. Yeah, it’s cute - get’s attention. Ugh. I am so not impressed. I want humor. I don’t know about y’all, but fuck my head hurts. I am kinda impressed you have the mind power and bullshit to respond..but fuck. Use that power in a better way already. Surely your mother’s have told you.
May 9th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
HA! I am always taken with the kids that write comments and today is no different. Jesus..some of you should write for a living. My favorite part was Dan photo-shopped in on Day 20. Hee hee he looks so..foolish. That was my first laugh-out-loud moment. Regardless, I chuckled throughout. Yeah, it’s nonsense. Isn’t that why we are here?
May 9th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
“I’m watching you, Raskolnikov.”
I just read Crime and Punishment, so that made me shit my pants with laughter.
May 9th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
meh.
May 9th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Just like your post… faggot!
May 9th, 2009 at 7:24 am
Not that great, but still okay.
May 9th, 2009 at 3:10 am
Great stuff DOB. You never fail to amuse me.
May 9th, 2009 at 12:57 am
HAHAHA wonderful!
May 9th, 2009 at 12:44 am
Funnier yet are those that comment on people’s comments (like I’m doing here). So Andrew, you can spin my dreidel. And by spin I mean suck and by dreidel I mean cock. Andrew?! Fuck… there’s a name that’ll get you ass-raped every recess. Fucking pussy! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=28&sku=E-CD00379
May 8th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
So you sexually assaulted that alien while Scotty held the camera?
May 8th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
i thought it was awesome
May 8th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
fievel mousekewitz… wow, i wasn’t expecting that. that was great. i tip my hat to you, sir.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Fucking hillarious.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Awesome article very funny!
May 8th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
@Andrew
Thats really funny, and it’s probably true that they are shameless whores. Lol
May 8th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Your Mom made the mistake of not swallow that John’s spooch!
May 8th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
But DOB! You forgot the best Russian name! Romonov Neitskinski.
@ CamboD
Hilarious.
May 8th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
@ anti Doctorchaos folks:
C’mon, everyone’s entitled to their opinions. Especially those who’s opinions are generally amusing.
May 8th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
I find it disturbing that some people are on the internet so much that they have come to know the nuances and differences of the various bloggers and contributors. There seems to be something very bizarre about that.
May 8th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
@Riven. That is a killer idea. We should start a space petition.
‘WHOA! Is that an erection in my pocket, or am I just boner to see you?’
I’ve have been making dozens of these jokes in relation to Hermoine Granger. So I snorted coffee out my nostrils when I read this. Now the inside of my nose is all burny…
May 8th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Doctorchaos, a frightened school?
May 8th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
done: http://www.snmcomics.com/comic_pages/doctors_1.html
May 8th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
fucking fantastic.
May 8th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Oh dear. I want to say something supportive. I really do. But this time, well…uh..sorry. I’m guess I’m just spoiled by your usual genius.
Still a fan.
May 8th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
I find it funny how many people are saying you’re complete shit, when not only are they fucking nobodies who haven’t written a good word in their whole lives, but are rendered idiots anyways by these two facts:
1. You write for Cracked.com
2. You write well, that includes this article which was very funny. Good show.
May 8th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
weak
May 8th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
BEST USE OF THE TERM “space drift” EVER.
Rock and roll, Dan!
Fiona
May 8th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
boring as fuck. Thought i’d let you know, that you shouldnt write boring shit anymore. Seriously dude, boring as fuck.
May 8th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
DOB, I thought this article was very funny. I hope you don’t let those ass-holes who always have something negative to say get to you. I think there must be a lot of un-funny jealous jerks out there. Here’s an idea idiots–if you don’t like someones work,don’t read it!
May 8th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
*Punch, then shoot.
My mistake.
May 8th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
If this article was any more weak, unfunny or stupid, it would be my daughter.
I will literally punch shoot mother in the ovaries with a crossbow if your next article is this bad.
May 8th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Awesome.
Space awesome.
May 8th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
hmmm
May 8th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Why don’t you write something better, cunt?! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=10&sku=ENGL-CD00370
May 8th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
This was like B- material, DOB. It would have been OK if Gladstone wrote it, but you can do so much better. I’d like to see more of your articles wherein you comment on something directly. Give the fanfiction a bit of a break. Remember “Watchman fan cordially invites(someone, I forget) to eat all the dicks”? Cause I do. It was hilarious.
May 8th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
…I think we need to get a collection of all the comments ever made against Doctorchaos. Somehow I think that would make the best Cracked article of all time.
May 8th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
More Star Trek??
YA YA, the movie is coming out.
It will Blow.
More talk on Transformers, GiJoe or Matthew Mcconaughey !!!!
umm……. I didn’t just say that.
May 8th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
that was amazing!
May 8th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
DOBskis i love you.
write more everythings.
May 8th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
He flashes some GANG SIGNS. UHURA shifts nervously in place.
Hahaha I lolled everywhere when I read this
May 8th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I love this for several reasons. Mainly, I saw it last night at the end of the credits to Star Trek. Then Dr. Chaos’ reply was at the end of THOSE credits and arrogantguy’s reply was at the end of THOSE credits. Hollywood is learning. America loves their tags at the end of credits.
May 8th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Seriously, DOB. Marry me?
May 8th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
I would rather watch this than the actual movie.
May 8th, 2009 at 11:10 am
You’re wasting your time on these idiots my friend! I’ve tried posting exactly the same thing.
They’re just jealous, do-nothing, unhappy, unproductive, insecure, immature, couch-critics… take them for what they are…
L - O - S - E - R - S - !
Just send them this: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=29&sku=E-CD00250
For FREE! Lol!
May 8th, 2009 at 11:04 am
I LIKE THINGS TOO
May 8th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Could any of the people who comment against DOB´s (or any other columnist) work, explain to me what kind of authority you posses in order to criticise them? Seriously what´s your goal? Hurting their feelings, getting them to change their stuff, just being assholes?
Cracked is a public website, therefore no one here (directly) pays to either read their articles or watch their videos. All in all, they are just a bunch of people (whom I love, by the way) that produce their stuff and publish it on a website, if you like it then show support, but if you don´t then move on. I know that a lot of people may think they are the coolest, most handsome, and most intelligent person on the whole wide world, and that their opinion MUST be heard, but thruth is no one cares.
The Internet offers unlimited genres of entertaiment, and if you can´t find it here, then tough luck mate.
And even if you can´t resist to comment against some piece of work then please just be polite and now and then try and suggest something, I can assure you that it will be much better than saying “That sucked hard.”
May 8th, 2009 at 10:17 am
That was fantastic, arrogantguy.
May 8th, 2009 at 10:16 am
… get a fucking life cunt with your ‘first’ loser shit. Go to Perez Hilton for that crap and STOP FUCKING YOUR DAD YOU SLUT!!!
To: DOB - nice work. Star Trek gives me a raging boner!
May 8th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Arrogantguy’s comment just may be funnier than this article. Srsly.
Word, man.
May 8th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Made me laugh right the fuck out loud, nice job DOB.
May 8th, 2009 at 9:53 am
The awesomeness in the comment below this one….made me cry. Thank you, arrogantguy. Thank you.
May 8th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Fucking See!!!!!
May 8th, 2009 at 9:43 am
For some reason my posting have not been showing up? but I bet these one will.
May 8th, 2009 at 9:36 am
SOCRATES: Dude, Dionysodorus!
DIONYSODORUS: Wassup.
SOCRATES: Did you know that sometimes people write dialogues really just as a format to hector their audience but create the illusion of entertainment or possible argument when that is in fact entirely ficituous?
DIONYSODORUS: Yeah, totally. Like the later Socratic dialogues when Plato uses the format more as a soapbox for his ideas then genuine discussion.
SOCRATES: I know, man. And they’re just as fucking pretentious as that sentence.
DIONYSODORUS: Actually I’m cool with that. Such discourses are pretty wicked, dude.
SOCRATES: Except when commenting on a humour website and attempting to be funny.
DIONYSODORUS: Yeah that sort of sucks. But you know what would be even worse?
SOCRATES: What?
DIONYSODORUS: If someone then commented on that dialogue with another dialogue explaining why the first dialogue sucked, and just to be a wanker he used classical Greek names from Platonic dialogues.
SOCRATES: Terrible idea. Worse still, what if he pretended it was funny by awkwardly using ”hip’ lingo he doesn’t even fucking understand?
DIONYSODORUS: Yeah that would be awful. Let’s go get some beers.
SOCRATES: Word, Dionysodorus.
May 8th, 2009 at 9:33 am
Nope, he did it himself. Good job DOB.
May 8th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Doctorchaos made DOB the editor?
May 8th, 2009 at 9:25 am
I’m with “…” on this one.
May 8th, 2009 at 9:24 am
2 great articles in one! DOB and Doc chaos. ftw!
What would the world be if we all just “got along?” pretty f’ing boring I would think.
I just love this site and all the people who post on it.
Don’t ever change, ever!
May 8th, 2009 at 9:16 am
i like big butts and i cannot lie
all you other brothers cant deny
May 8th, 2009 at 9:16 am
haha. funny stuff.
@docchaos. stop licking my balls. it tickles.
May 8th, 2009 at 9:11 am
You had me at
“Kruschev, gorbachev russkin rasputin, eh? Kremlin!?”
May 8th, 2009 at 9:06 am
That’s even worse than the time Doctor Who enlisted me as his assistant.
May 8th, 2009 at 9:03 am
I wish Cracked.com was funny because I have this strange attraction to it like my other strange attraction to putting dude’s weiners in my mouth…
May 8th, 2009 at 9:01 am
I want to see the picture of DOB wearing two space suits and flying away in an escape pod…. Photoshop department??? I’m looking at you!
May 8th, 2009 at 9:00 am
@Royce: he’s fine just as he is. This was a great article. Just down a six-pack of beer, take a few shots, and re-read it. You’ll see. It’s pure genius.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:59 am
@Doctorchaos
If you’re going to get all pretentious like that you should at least learn grade 10 English first.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:54 am
I was going to write something longer in response to your obvious lack of self-awareness, but that’s all it comes down to really. You simply don’t “get” it. Not finding this article may have been enough, but critisizing it for talking about Star Trek was retarded.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Doctorchaos, I’m not sure you really “get” Cracked.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:50 am
Vulclatto. Heh. Thanks for an enjoyable read.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:46 am
I am always entertained/perplexed by the polarity of the responses to these articles. There’s always going to be some haters.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:41 am
oh shi-
The Doctor has spoken.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:31 am
DOCTORCHAOS:
(Leaning on water cooler) So, Bob, you remember that website I told you about a couple of months ago, the one that claims to be funny but is usually just a web based Donkey Show?
BOB:
Yea, hows that goin for ya?
DOCTORCHAOS:
Same ‘ol, same ‘ol. Has a few good bits once in a while but is mostly total shit, especially the editor dude, his “contributions” are basically the text based equivelent of that dry crusty stuff that forms on the rim of the sewerage evaporating tanks.
BOB:
Is that the short funny looking guy who you think is a total faggot and has a thing for SWAIM?
DOCTORCHAOS:
Yea that’s him, the one that looks like a frightened school and exudes as much authority and awe as a newborn kitten. Well last night he made a piss poor feeble attempt at taking the mickey out of Star Trek. Was a total failure of course.
BOB:
Oh right, an article featuring Star Trek, fuck man, that’s really…out there isn’t it, like beyond the final frontier man, nobody is doing that at the moment, fucking NOBODY. I mean the movie is released any day now and not a single motherfucking critic, reviewer, commentator, blogger or columnist is daring to mention it at all in any form of media. That DOB guy is a fucking trend setter man, a real rebel. Years from now there will be a bronze bust of him somewhere in the Pulitzer building.
DOCTORCHAOS:
Sensors are detecting a sudden massive occurance of sarcasm eminating from an area near the water cooler. Go to yellow alert and brace for impact.
BOB:
LOL. Did you notice how I slipped in that “final frontier” bit?
DOCTORCHAOS:
Yes Bob, yes I did. With subtlety and guile like that, you sir could write for some kind of comedy based website, of course we’d have to remove half your brain with an icecream scoop and replace it with shredded newspaper and navel lint.
BOB:
Meh, it’s something to consider in the future, or maybe a bit of income on the side. Tell you wat though, I’d never do one of those stupid fucking articles where they lay it out like a movie script.
DOCTORCHAOS:
Good on you Bob, those sort of articles are fucking stupid. They take to long to read, delay the intended humour of the article, if not void it completely, and they take up way too much space on a page. Plus they’re a real bitch to edit.
BOB:
Ahhh, well don’t have to worry about that last bit, apparently comedy website editors don’t actually “edit” shit these days, it’s like an honourary title or something, maybe a tax dodge or whatever. No, these days all an “editor” has to do is show up to work, walk around like he has a carrot up his ass, shuffle some papers and pretend to have important conversations on the phone.
DOCTORCHAOS:
So, they don’t filter content, veto irrelevant or unfunny contributions, check spelling and grammar, organise the entire team, coordinate with advertisers and make sure their publication is the best possible one they can offer, with adequate content that appeals to the widest possible audience in order to maximise readership and generate a profitable income for the owners of the company.
BOB:
Nope, not anymore. Now they sit around playing beer pong and molesting bobble headed comic book heroes and let pretty much any old piece of shit through the screening process.
DOCTORCHAOS:
Sweet, I think I’ll make up some business cards and con some half blind suits into thinking I know what the fuck I’m doing. Hey, why are you only taking half a cup of water there Bob?
BOB: Well there’s only one cup left and if I take it all I’m duty bound by the unspoken sacred rules of the office to replace the bottle, and I basically can’t be assed doing that.
DOCTORCHAOS:
Always one step ahead Bob. One step ahead.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:29 am
I always get a kick out of these. Great job DOB!!!
May 8th, 2009 at 8:22 am
That was funny, but at the end I wanted Spock to drop you with a nerve pinch and put you in a space pod with a bunch a horny Tribbles.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:02 am
.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:01 am
@BornBeyond-
That might be the nicest thing anyone’s ever said. Thank you.
May 8th, 2009 at 7:47 am
last part was the best, f’sho
May 8th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Vulclatto FTW.
May 8th, 2009 at 7:18 am
DOB–You are most definitely the shit! (This week, anyway).
May 8th, 2009 at 7:13 am
“We see DOB, wearing two space suits, cruising away in an ESCAPE POD. He’s also managed to set off every single remaining escape pod, somehow, and they sail listlessly through space, completely empty.”
Simple amazing.
May 8th, 2009 at 7:08 am
tl;dr, made me want to kill myself
May 8th, 2009 at 7:03 am
Absolutely hilarious, I loved how you kept calling Chekov a Commie XD
May 8th, 2009 at 6:53 am
I laughed so hard at this article! DOB rocks!
May 8th, 2009 at 6:44 am
this may or may not be extremely funny… but i won’t be reading it, or any more articles on fucking star trek!
enough already!!!!
May 8th, 2009 at 6:39 am
Remind me to befriend you if we’re ever on the same star ship or whatever, because my ass is so laying claim to an escape pod as soon as we get on.
Great article.
May 8th, 2009 at 6:37 am
Better than the movie.
May 8th, 2009 at 6:37 am
I <3 DOB.
May 8th, 2009 at 6:22 am
DOB writing = stoner humor + nick hornby
precisely why i find it so fucking hilarious
May 8th, 2009 at 6:16 am
itll be fine, Kirk dont need no damn escape pods.
But there must be a sequel, we must know if the boning of Uhura was complete.
May 8th, 2009 at 6:14 am
hehehe, i do love DOB.
It didn’t make me laugh out loud, which is good, cause i’m in a library. but it was quietly awesome =]
May 8th, 2009 at 6:12 am
I’m sorry, but that really wasn’t funny.
May 8th, 2009 at 6:03 am
Okay, Cracked. I know economic times are tough. We’re all feeling it. But really, are you guys THAT desperate for free tickets to the new Star Trek movie?! They’re like ten bucks! Jesus, every single day there’s another article involving something in the Star Trek universe. You’re a bunch of shameless whores!
May 8th, 2009 at 5:47 am
@royce
you’re the only one
May 8th, 2009 at 5:43 am
DOB this is a classic
May 8th, 2009 at 5:41 am
So, this is pretty much the funniest thing I’ve read on this site in awhile. You are the epitome of awesome, DOB.
@Teemu & Action Figure Man: What are you talking about?! DOB is the best thing this site has going for it. Of all the articles of his I’ve seen, only one was awful, the rest were ridiculously hilarious.
May 8th, 2009 at 5:33 am
Wow. I actually read to the end and I’m sorry I did. Nothing about this was funny. I hope they replace you soon.
May 8th, 2009 at 5:28 am
This is really weak stuff.
May 8th, 2009 at 4:56 am
Combining that, in my head, with the preview footage I’ve seen up to this point would create the most awesome movie since the first Matrix film.
May 8th, 2009 at 4:50 am
awesome
May 8th, 2009 at 4:44 am
LOL - awesome
May 8th, 2009 at 4:43 am
Am I the only one who thinks this “Mr Bean without Rowan Atkinson’s physical comedy” shtick has run it’s course? You’re better then this, Dan.
May 8th, 2009 at 4:34 am
i’m never letting you anywhere near my star destroyer.
May 8th, 2009 at 4:33 am
Classic DOB
May 8th, 2009 at 4:27 am
That sir, was awesome, i am literally erect.
May 8th, 2009 at 4:21 am
Damn - missed by a matter of seconds…
Anyway, pretty entertaining, DOB!
May 8th, 2009 at 4:20 am
First? =D
May 8th, 2009 at 4:20 am
now that was some funny stuff right there