Cracked Columnists

My Brief Time as a Crewmember Aboard the USS Enterprise

DAY 1:

The crew of the USS ENTERPRISE stands at attention in a single line as CAPTAIN KIRK addresses them. DOB walks next to KIRK, smirking like an asshole, his shirt untucked and a cigarette behind his ear.

KIRK

Ladies and Gentleman, this is Mr. O'Brien, he'll be joining our crew as a reporter of some kind.

DOB

Space Journalist, Jim, and it's a pleasure to be here. But, please, "Mr. O'Brien" sounds so formal, call me "DOB."

KIRK

Very well, DOB.

DOBMister DOB.

KIRK

...I'd like to introduce you to the rest of our crew. This is SPOCK, my trusted friend.

DOB

Yeah, how's it going.

KIRK

...Dr. McCoy, our medical officer, we all call him "BONES."

DOB

Uh huh.

KIRK

This is Mr. Sulu.

DOB

Right, how ya doin'.

KIRK

This is Ms Uhura, Communications.

DOBOoh, wassup girl, yeah, what it do, baby?

He flashes some GANG SIGNS. UHURA shifts nervously in place.

KIRK

This is CHEKOV.

CHEKOV

(Russian accent)

Pleased to be meeting you, Sir.

As KIRK introduces the rest of the crew, DOB continues to stare at CHEKOV, uneasily.

KIRK

Basically, we explore the final frontier, make contact with alien races and spread peace throughout the galaxy.

DOB

(Leaning in to CHEKOV. In a menacing whisper)

Hey. Hey. Having a good time? Comrade?

CHEKOV

I'm... I'm sorry?

DOB

Kruschev, gorbachev russkin rasputin, eh? Kremlin!?

CHEKOV

What?

DOB

You heard me, Boris. That's Russian for "I'm on to you, Commie Pig. You won't get away with this."

CHEKOV

I don't think it is.

DOBBorscht.

DAY 3:

Captain KIRK and SPOCK are engaging in a game of ridiculous space chess.

SPOCK

Your move, Captain. Though I shall tell you, after your next move I will have you in check mate.

KIRK

(With a slight smirk.)

Have I ever told you it's irritating to play a game of chess with you?

SPOCK

Irritating, ah yes, one of your human emotions.

DOB

This is fucking stupid.

Ignoring DOB, KIRK moves his chess piece to a surprising spot on the board! SPOCK is irritated.

KIRK

I guess you do understand irritation.

DOB

We're in space for shit's sake, why are you playing chess?

SPOCK

(Ignoring DOB)

Only because my ancestor took an Earth Woman as a wife.

DOB

Oh, hold up, for real? You're, like, a Vulclatto, or whatever?

SPOCK

That's, perhaps, the most crude way you could have phrased that, but, yes.

DOB

Sweet, okay, so I'm thinking about doing a little cross-racial porking of my own, if you catch my space drift. (Pause.) I'm going to have sex with the black chick who hangs around on this ship. What's her name? Hurptutu?

KIRK

Her name's Uhura. And she's directly behind you, like three inches away from you.

She was clearly there the whole time and now stares at the floor, the personification of uncomfortable.

DOB

I know.

DAY 8:

The crew is gathered around, looking at what appears to be an abandoned, ancient ship.

KIRK

Any survivors?

BONES

It's possible, I am detecting some faint heartbeats.

SPOCK

The damages to the hull are considerable, but not enough to make the ship impossible to live in.

CHEKOV

The ship looks like something out of a history book, an old, ancient American wessel.

DOB

(under his breath) This fuckin' guy.

KIRK

I didn't know any Earth vessels made it this far before.

SPOCK

Historically speaking, they haven't, Captain.

KIRK

Can we check the starship registry?

SPOCK

It's unlikely that we'll find the ship registered, Sir. Records that far back are, at best, fragmentary.

KIRK

I wonder... I wonder if this might be a lost ship, floating idly for years, the crew preserved in some way.

DOB

Should I fire all the missiles?

KIRK

Circling the strange galaxy, desperate for contact, searching for their lost home.

BONES

Judging by the look, they'd have to have been cruising since the late nineties. They've probably long since abandoned all hope. Just imagine.

KIRK

Cut off from outside contact for centuries, desperately holding out hope.

DOB

(Hitting a random combination of buttons.)

Firing all the missiles.

ENTIRE CREWNO!

DAY 11:

CHEKOV is eating alone in the space cafeteria. DOB approaches and swiftly knocks CHEKOV'S food to the ground.

DOB

You may have everyone fooled, Stalin, but not this guy. This guy's been around the space block.

CHEKOV

I don't even know what you're accusing me of!

DOB

Don't play dumb with me, Commie, these colors don't run.

CHEKOV

You think I'm a communist? You don't really get how the future works, do you?

DOB

I'm watching you, Raskolnikov.

There is a long pause, while DOB continues to glare.

CHEKOV

I'm...I'm sorry, how long is this going to take?

DOB

Just until I run out of Russian names to call you, Fievel Mousekewitz. I - Nope, that was the last one. Take care!

He exits, whistling.

DAY 13:

DOB enters SCOTTY'S room, a six pack of SPACE BEER in one hand and a NINJA THROWING STAR in the other.

DOB

SCOTTY! What's the happy-haps, my man?

SCOTTY

HI!...Oh...Hey, I'm sorry. The Captain...Captain says I'm not s'posed to talk to you anymore.

DOB

Why the hell not?

SCOTTY

He said it's on account of how last time we hung out you made me beam CHEKOV to an abandoned planet and leave him there.

DOBFor the good of ship!

SCOTTY

Anyway, Captain KIRK says you're a bad influence.

DOB

Pssh. Captain KIRK. More like Craptain Jerk, am I right?

SCOTTY

Heh. Hehehe, yeah. I guess you are right.

DOB

Awesome! So we're pals?

SCOTTY

Yeah.

DOB

Great. So, I beamed down to this planet to search for alternative sources of fuel, right? And I met this green alien chick. Or kidnapped her. Whatever. Anyway, do you want to film me porking her?

SCOTTY

Yes. Yes I do.

DOB

Shit yeah!

DAY 14:

DOB approaches an already uncomfortable UHURA on the bridge.

DOB

Whoa ho ho! Why, hello there, Uhurba.

UHURA

It's Uhura.

DOB

Yeah, we're having a good time.

He glances at his crotch and reacts in mock shock, widening his eyes and throwing up his hands.

DOB

WHOA! Is that an erection in my pocket, or am I just boner to see you?

UHURA

That's not how that joke works.

DOB

(Adjusting a dial that for some reason exists on the front of his space pants.)

Beep boop. Setting wiener to "stun," Captain, beep boop.

UHURA

What are you-

DOB

ENERGIZE!

DAY 18:

KHAN, a leader of EARTH'S EUGENICS WAR of the Nineties, lays in a bed in the sickbay of the Enterprise, seemingly unconscious. BONES enters to check on the patient. As soon as BONES gets close, KHAN grabs him by his throat and holds up a scalpel, stolen while BONES was out DOING SOMETHING. DOB sits over in the corner, his shoes off, his feet propped up on a desk. He eats an apple.

DOB

(Chuckling)

Oh ho ho, shit, he got you, Boner.

BONES

(Terrified.)

O'Brien, hurry, grab a security officer, KHAN must've gotten a scalpel while we weren't looking!

DOB

Oh, I saw him.

BONES

WHAT?

KHAN

It's true.

DOB

Yeah, he does his thing, I do my thing. We're cool.

DOB and KHAN shoot each other some "What's up" nods.

DOB

Yeah. We're cool. He seems like an okay guy.

KHAN

Thank you.

DOB

Ain't no thing.

BONES

For God's sake, he headed Earth's Eugenics War!

DOB

Uh huh.

BONES

He tried to wipe out entire races of people.

DOB

Get right outta town.

BONES

He's choking me right now.

DOB

Maybe he is maybe he isn't. I'm not a doctor, that's not my call to make. Ask the doctor.

BONES

(Turning blue) I'm the doctor.

DOB

Word?

(low)

Hey, can you get me some Space Percocet or what?

DAY 20:

The bridge is shaking and sparks are flying. Emergency lights flash and sirens blare as red-shirted crew members fall to their victimless deaths. KIRK, his hair mussed and a bit of blood trickling down his forehead, holds onto the controls, firmly against the violent rocking of the ship.

KIRK

Alright, we can get through this, but I need everyone to work together on-

He is interrupted when DOB throws a large bundle of trash right at him.

DOB

SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP HOLY FUCKING SHIT SHUT UP WE'RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE!

KIRK

We're going to be fine, we just-

DOB continues to pelt him with trash.

DOBWHY AREN'T YOU SHUTTING UP!? I hate you I hate you I hate you.

He flips off CHEKOV and runs away.

KIRK

Okay, that's fine, we didn't really need him.

BONES

What kind of journalist is he?

CHEKOV

I've never seen him take down a single note.

SULU

He stole my throwing stars...

KIRK

It's fine, we'll get rid of-

CHEKOV

Uh, Captain, I think you should take a look out the window.

We see DOB, wearing two space suits, cruising away in an ESCAPE POD. He's also managed to set off every single remaining escape pod, somehow, and they sail listlessly through space, completely empty.

KIRKShit.