Cracked Readers, I'm going to do you all a huge favor today. I'm going to save you some money. You've no need to thank me, though, if you must, I accept gift certificates to Chili's, (Pepper in some fun!), donations to charity made in my name, and pornography, (Pepper in some tits!). Here you go, a one-step method to save your money: Don't go to the movies this weekend. I know, the temptation is there- It's summer, it's a Friday night, a few new movies will be coming out- it all sounds irresistible. Well, folks, let me tell you, those movies are The Happening by M. Night Shamalan, the creepmaster extraordinaire whose name I refuse to look up for spelling purposes, and The Incredible Hulk. Do not waste your money on either of these movies. You're welcome.
Now, you might be wondering what I'm basing my arguments on. Did I see these movies? Well, not in the technical sense. Cracked.com Headitor Jack O'Brien took all of the other Cracked Columnists to see both movies last night so they could write up reviews but, due to an acerbically-worded court document, I'm not allowed within 500 yds of Jackaroni and Cheese or his family. His stupid, stupid family.
So instead, I watched the trailers of both movies a couple of times and, really, I feel like that's gotta be enough to write a fair and unbiased review. If you feel my reviews are unfair, feel free to email me. If it turns out that I didn't provide my email address, feel free to go ahead and suck it. Long and hard and all over town.
The Incredible Hulk[Starring: CGI, Ed Norton, Liv Tyler's Breasts]
It's been five years since Ang Lee's The Hulk came out, (Starring: CGI, Eric Bana, and Jennifer Connolly's Breasts), which is apparently more than enough time for this remake/sequel that is neither a remake nor a sequel. The understanding is that Ang Lee's Hulk kind of blew, but this one's gonna rock, and here's my problem with this thinking: Hulk will always blow, and it has nothing to do with the writer or director of a movie. Hulk is just an frustratingly dull character by nature. Let me ask you something, did Ang Lee's Hulk feature a big green stupid-fucking-monster destroying a bunch of shit? Did it feature a timid Dr. Banner who hates the monster inside of him but can't control it? Yes and yes. Here's the inside scoop, Sports Fans, that's all Hulk fucking does. It's not like Ang Lee disappointed a bunch of Hulk fans by leaving out Hulk's lesser known, non-smash-related tendencies. There are no non-smash-related tendencies. Unless The Incredible Hulk makes some bold choices, (making their movie about Spider-Man instead, for example), it's going to be just as bad. Decades of Hulk comics have taught us that all he does is get angry, (and, when that happens, rumor has it that your fondness for him will dramatically decrease), and he smashes things. (Oh, and occasionally gets sent into space, but that's another story.) Hulk's problem is that he isn't an interesting or compelling character. It's why you make a movie about Batman instead of the Batmobile.
So, since the plot of The Incredible Hulk promises to be just as bad as the first Hulk disaster, I'm going to go ahead and base my judgements of this movie on some of its other aspects. Namely, the quality of breast that will be carrying this movie.
It's absolutely no contest. Jennifer Connolly's Breasts win the day by a landslide.
The Happening[Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Zoey Deschanel, The Faint Sound of M. Night Shamalan Masturbating Out of Self-Satisfaction]
I don't know why they keep letting Shamalan make movies. Honestly. Sixth Sense was okay, I suppose. Watch it again, now that you know the twist. It's really slow and kind of boring, isn't it? Then go ahead and watch the other pieces of shit he did. They're also very slow-paced and uneventful. In any given M. Night movie, there are no more than two moments of actual action. (1. "I see dead people." 2. "I'm Dead." "I know, I can see you.") Everything else is just atmosphere. M. Night spends so much time setting the mood and playing creepy music and having his actors stare at things looking confused and, meanwhile, nothing actually happens.
And The Happening looks no different. I'm gonna go ahead and guess that the first bit of action in this movie will be people killing themselves when they're struck by this stupid disease or whatever, and the second bit of action will be the big, destined-to-be-disappointing reveal at the end, ("Turns out aliens were making us kill ourselves but they're afraid of water. Goodnight folks!").
Now, let's look at this trailer a little harder. Without a doubt, the most hilarious moment to me comes at about 31 seconds in when Cameron from Ferris Buehler's Day Off addresses the panicked crowd with "Ladies and Gentlemen, there appears to be an event happening." Everyone's nervous and scared, and they want answers. "There's appears to be an event happening"? Why the hell was this guy elected to speak to the crowds?
"Hey, Mr. Mayor, what is this? Some kind of event?"
"You betcha. And it's happening."
"Well, that clears everything up."
"M. Night Shamalan's a fantastic writer."
Bad dialogue, plot, and directing aside, I for one will be really impressed if Marky Mark manages to maintain that eyebrow-scrunching constipation-face throughout the entire two hour movie.
So there you have it, Folks. Skip these movies and use the money you'll save on a more noble cause, (me.) Or better yet, hold on to the money so you can watch The Dark Knight over and over and over again.
I can't friggin' wait for that movie.