Enter the late 80's. It was a tender time in a young boy's life. Our bodies were changing in strange, unsettling ways, and our parents, as usual, had failed us at every turn. Luckily, Television was there to do their job for them. Inside that glowing box we found a bounty of fictional vixen, drawn to exacting specifications and designed to fill us with feelings we wouldn't understand until years later, when we spent the night at the house of the kid whose parents had the Spice Channel.
10. Gadget from Chip N’ Dale’s Rescue RangersThe Show: A group of rodents living in the park solve major crimes throughout the city, and believe it or not, you’re not huffing glue. Well, maybe you are, but the show was real, and Chip wore an awesome bomber jacket.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Gadget Hackwrench was a brilliant inventor, pilot, and mechanic who also happened to be a field mouse. A field mouse that seemed to have fashioned a tiny auburn wig out of locks of human hair, and whose ability to turn discarded soda cans into airplanes put MacGyver to shame.
“Chip and Dale aren’t the only ones who are going to be storing nuts in their mouth.”
The Internet Fallout:Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): According to the show’s Wikipedia entry, Chip was modeled after Indiana Jones and Dale after Magnum, P.I. How’d you like to be the meat in a Harrison Ford and Tom Selleck sandwich?
9. April from The Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesThe Show:TMNT introduced us to a giant ninja rat, a man-sized alligator, a clan of feet, a guy who was a brain inside a jar inside another guy, and all other manner of mutated horror we had no way of understanding. But God bless us, we begged our parents to buy it all anyway.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: April O’Neil, fiery reporter for Channel 6 news and one of the turtles’ only human friends. She was also one of the only female characters who wasn’t some kind of hideous monster, so that helped.
“I’d like to bebop her rocksteady! Krangggggg!”
The Internet Fallout:Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Look, I don’t want to cast aspersions on my female readers. So I say, if curiosity got the better of you and you wanted to be quad-teamed by turtles named after Renaissance painters…hey, who am I to judge?
8. Cover Girl from G.I. JoeThe Show: The least realistic, but most effective Army recruitment video ever made,G.I. Joe taught us about the inherent goodness of American values and the inherent evil of foreigners and people with lisps.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Cover Girl, like most of the Joes, was named after her occupational specialty. Once a supermodel, Cover left the sexist world of high fashion behind to get grunted at by a bunch of testosterone-fueled, sweaty guys who haven’t had sex for two years.
“I know she’s breezy and beautiful, here’s hoping she’s easy.”
The Internet Fallout:Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Pretty much the whole rest of the show. Go nuts, ladies.
7. Cheetara from ThundercatsThe Show: Take some Superman mythology, the Herculoids milieu, some He-Man mentality and a bunch of cats, and you’re halfway there. The other half involves a demonic mummy god, yeti knights, robo-bears and a heaping helping of Snarf.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Cheetara, the only adult female Thundercat, served as the outlet for our pubescent needs. The fact that she was often depicted wielding a staff that grew when she held it didn’t hurt either.
“Thunder-, Thunder-, Thundercat BLOOOOOOOOOW me!”
The Internet Fallout:Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Lion-O’s the obvious choice, but with that whole “mind of a child” thing, you might be getting a call from CPS. I’d stick to Snarf, the lovable comic relief. Hey, he may not be a looker, but he’ll make you laugh! That’s what women want, right? Dear God, please tell me that’s what women want.
6. Tarra from The HerculoidsThe Show: During the prehistoric phase of life on the distant planet Quasar (not to be confused with an actual quasar), a family of humanoids must battle every day for their fragile lives, their only aids a dragon that shoots lasers, rhino that shoots boulders, immense radioactive ape, and two sentient beanbag chairs.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Tarra was the matriarch of the caveman family, and while her crude smock of a dress was a little more concealing that Wilma Flintstone’s, at least her hair wasn’t a cubist bun. Plus she wore shoes (I always imagine Wilma’s feet as scabborous, misshapen lumps. Just me?).
“Forget Tundro, baby, you can fire my energy rocks anytime.”
The Internet Fallout:Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): While Tarra’s busy with us, you’re welcome to give her husband Zandar a try. He’s your basic He-Man clone, so there’s plenty of fun to be had. Be warned though: Zok likes to watch.
5. Smurfette from The SmurfsThe Show: A French cartoon about little blue people who live in mushroom houses, have a nearly one-word vocabulary, and do…actually I’m not sure what they do. Harvest things? Make shoes? They’re blue. I think I said that already. Moving on.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Smurfette got our attention for two reasons: One, because she was the only female smurf and two, because all the other smurfs vied for her affections with a ferocity that led us to believe she had a magic vagina. Although if there was only one vagina within a hundred miles, I guess that'd be magic enough.
“I’d like to smurf the smurf out of her smurf with my dick.”
The Internet Fallout:Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): I’d have to go with Hefty Smurf, the jock of smurf village. He takes care of his body, sports some wicked heart tats, and is widely acknowledged as having a smurf like a jackhammer.
4 and 3. Daphne and Velma from Scooby DooThe Show: A group of kids who should be in College are instead tooling around the country in a van (occasionally with the Harlem Globe Trotters or Marx Brothers) in an attempt to eat giant sandwiches and prove that monsters are really just old men in masks.
The Objects Of Our Misguided Affection: Daphne was the looker of the group, and Velma was the brains, incisive wit, and heart. Also, Velma’s breasts were much larger. Between them, they represented the perfect woman (which is to say, a good-looking girl with large breasts).
Insert Scooby Snack reference here.
The Internet Fallout:Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Fred, the all-American 60’s surfer dude with the white sweater and bizarre fetish for ascots. He’s aggressive, leaderly, and the only real option besides a talking dog and the skeeziest motherfucker you’ve ever laid eyes on.
2. Wonder Woman from Super FriendsThe Show: A group of superheroes who are also best friends gather for weekly parties and to politely pretend like Superman couldn’t do everything himself. This tree fort-like scenario also attracted two bumbling teens and their dog, whose presence is never fully explained. I think they may have been auxiliary Robins Batman was hanging on to just in case.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Wonder Woman was a goddess who came from a race of Amazons as an ambassador to man’s world. In order to establish a precedent of proud femininity, she flounced around in a corset and flew by squatting in an invisible plane above people’s heads.
“The only thing I wonder about that woman is whether she’ll let me have sex with her.”
The Internet Fallout:Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Batman. Batman Batman Batman. In fact, this is the only entry on this list where I’m kind of more attracted to the subsidiary recommendation than the primary one. After all, Wonder Woman’s just a beautiful goddess from beyond the stars. Batman is Batman.
1. Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?The Show: Okay, it’s actually a movie, but it did come out in the 80’s. And when it did, it represented not just the pinnacle of sexy cartoon ladies, but their uncomfortable emergence into the world of actual eroticism. I’m pretty sure there were just as many dads sweating to frames of Jessica as there were kids wondering why they were no longer concerned about the dangers of cooties at all.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Jessica Rabbit, a cartoon character so arousing she gets visible rises out of several of the film’s live action characters. What’s more, she did it all without ever changing her clothes and with what appear to be two amphibious slits where her nose should be.
“Jessica Rabbit, please have sex with me.”
The Internet Fallout:Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): To my mind, Eddie Valiant is the clear choice. He may not have the spontaneity or physical elasticity of Roger, or the tall, dark and handsome qualities of Judge Doom, but he does have one thing going for him that they don’t: a real, live, honest to goodness penis. And that puts him well ahead of every other man on this list. Here’s to you, Eddie.
When not examining the details of his own perversions, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!