Throughout the history of TV, cartoons have always been able to get away with a little more than their live action counterparts. That insulating shield of paint and ink seems to give the creators license to stretch, and sometimes to downright goatse, our notions of decency. The first show on TV to show a young boy spewing diarrhea onto his mother’s face was South Park, and there’s a reason for that. It just wouldn’t work on The Drew Carey Show, not even during their April Fool’s Day special. It’s the same reason the Road Runner cartoons of the 60’s sold so much better than actual footage of coyotes getting mangled to death.
Enter the late 80’s. It was a tender time in a young boy’s life. Our bodies were changing in strange, unsettling ways, and our parents, as usual, had failed us at every turn. Luckily, Television was there to do their job for them. Inside that glowing box we found a bounty of fictional vixen, drawn to exacting specifications and designed to fill us with feelings we wouldn’t understand until years later, when we spent the night at the house of the kid whose parents had the Spice Channel.
The Show: A group of rodents living in the park solve major crimes throughout the city, and believe it or not, you’re not huffing glue. Well, maybe you are, but the show was real, and Chip wore an awesome bomber jacket.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Gadget Hackwrench was a brilliant inventor, pilot, and mechanic who also happened to be a field mouse. A field mouse that seemed to have fashioned a tiny auburn wig out of locks of human hair, and whose ability to turn discarded soda cans into airplanes put MacGyver to shame.
Perks:
Bummers:
The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust:
“Chip and Dale aren’t the only ones who are going to be storing nuts in their mouth.”
The Internet Fallout:
Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): According to the show’s Wikipedia entry, Chip was modeled after Indiana Jones and Dale after Magnum, P.I. How’d you like to be the meat in a Harrison Ford and Tom Selleck sandwich?
The Show: TMNT introduced us to a giant ninja rat, a man-sized alligator, a clan of feet, a guy who was a brain inside a jar inside another guy, and all other manner of mutated horror we had no way of understanding. But God bless us, we begged our parents to buy it all anyway.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: April O’Neil, fiery reporter for Channel 6 news and one of the turtles’ only human friends. She was also one of the only female characters who wasn’t some kind of hideous monster, so that helped.
Perks:
Bummers:
The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust:
“I’d like to bebop her rocksteady! Krangggggg!”
The Internet Fallout:
Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Look, I don’t want to cast aspersions on my female readers. So I say, if curiosity got the better of you and you wanted to be quad-teamed by turtles named after Renaissance painters…hey, who am I to judge?
The Show: The least realistic, but most effective Army recruitment video ever made, G.I. Joe taught us about the inherent goodness of American values and the inherent evil of foreigners and people with lisps.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Cover Girl, like most of the Joes, was named after her occupational specialty. 
Once a supermodel, Cover left the sexist world of high fashion behind to get grunted at by a bunch of testosterone-fueled, sweaty guys who haven’t had sex for two years.
Perks:
Bummers:
The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust:
“I know she’s breezy and beautiful, here’s hoping she’s easy.”
The Internet Fallout:
Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Pretty much the whole rest of the show. Go nuts, ladies.
The Show: Take some Superman mythology, the Herculoids milieu, some He-Man mentality and a bunch of cats, and you’re halfway there. The other half involves a demonic mummy god, yeti knights, robo-bears and a heaping helping of Snarf.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Cheetara, the only adult female Thundercat, served as the outlet for our pubescent needs. The fact that she was often depicted wielding a staff that grew when she held it didn’t hurt either.
Perks:
Bummers:
The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust:
“Thunder-, Thunder-, Thundercat BLOOOOOOOOOW me!”
The Internet Fallout:
Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Lion-O’s the obvious choice, but with that whole “mind of a child” thing, you might be getting a call from CPS. I’d stick to Snarf, the lovable comic relief. Hey, he may not be a looker, but he’ll make you laugh! That’s what women want, right? Dear God, please tell me that’s what women want.
The Show: During the prehistoric phase of life on the distant planet Quasar (not to be confused with an actual quasar), a family of humanoids must battle every day for their fragile lives, their only aids a dragon that shoots lasers, rhino that shoots boulders, immense radioactive ape, and two sentient beanbag chairs.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Tarra was the matriarch of the caveman family, and while her crude smock of a dress was a little more concealing that Wilma Flintstone’s, at least her hair wasn’t a cubist bun. Plus she wore shoes (I always imagine Wilma’s feet as scabborous, misshapen lumps. Just me?).
Perks:
Bummers:
The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust:
“Forget Tundro, baby, you can fire my energy rocks anytime.”
The Internet Fallout:
Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): While Tarra’s busy with us, you’re welcome to give her husband Zandar a try. He’s your basic He-Man clone, so there’s plenty of fun to be had. Be warned though: Zok likes to watch.
The Show: A French cartoon about little blue people who live in mushroom houses, have a nearly one-word vocabulary, and do…actually I’m not sure what they do. Harvest things? Make shoes? They’re blue. I think I said that already. Moving on.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Smurfette got our attention for two reasons: One, because she was the only female smurf and two, because all the other smurfs vied for her affections with a ferocity that led us to believe she had a magic vagina. Although if there was only one vagina within a hundred miles, I guess that’d be magic enough.
Perks:
Bummers:
The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust:
“I’d like to smurf the smurf out of her smurf with my dick.”
The Internet Fallout:
Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): I’d have to go with Hefty Smurf, the jock of smurf village. He takes care of his body, sports some wicked heart tats, and is widely acknowledged as having a smurf like a jackhammer.
The Show: A group of kids who should be in College are instead tooling around the country in a van (occasionally with the Harlem Globe Trotters or Marx Brothers) in an attempt to eat giant sandwiches and prove that monsters are really just old men in masks.
The Objects Of Our Misguided Affection: Daphne was the looker of the group, and Velma was the brains, incisive wit, and heart. Also, Velma’s breasts were much larger. Between them, they represented the perfect woman (which is to say, a good-looking girl with large breasts).
Perks:
Bummers:
The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust:
Insert Scooby Snack reference here.
The Internet Fallout:
Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Fred, the all-American 60’s surfer dude with the white sweater and bizarre fetish for ascots. He’s aggressive, leaderly, and the only real option besides a talking dog and the skeeziest motherfucker you’ve ever laid eyes on.
The Show: A group of superheroes who are also best friends gather for weekly parties and to politely pretend like Superman couldn’t do everything himself. This tree fort-like scenario also attracted two bumbling teens and their dog, whose presence is never fully explained. I think they may have been auxiliary Robins Batman was hanging on to just in case.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Wonder Woman was a goddess who came from a race of Amazons as an ambassador to man’s world. In order to establish a precedent of proud femininity, she flounced around in a corset and flew by squatting in an invisible plane above people’s heads.
Perks:
Bummers:
The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust:
“The only thing I wonder about that woman is whether she’ll let me have sex with her.”
The Internet Fallout:
Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Batman. Batman Batman Batman. In fact, this is the only entry on this list where I’m kind of more attracted to the subsidiary recommendation than the primary one. After all, Wonder Woman’s just a beautiful goddess from beyond the stars. Batman is Batman.
The Show: Okay, it’s actually a movie, but it did come out in the 80’s. And when it did, it represented not just the pinnacle of sexy cartoon ladies, but their uncomfortable emergence into the world of actual eroticism. I’m pretty sure there were just as many dads sweating to frames of Jessica as there were kids wondering why they were no longer concerned about the dangers of cooties at all.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Jessica Rabbit, a cartoon character so arousing she gets visible rises out of several of the film’s live action characters. What’s more, she did it all without ever changing her clothes and with what appear to be two amphibious slits where her nose should be.
Perks:
Bummers:
The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust:
“Jessica Rabbit, please have sex with me.”
The Internet Fallout:
Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): To my mind, Eddie Valiant is the clear choice. He may not have the spontaneity or physical elasticity of Roger, or the tall, dark and handsome qualities of Judge Doom, but he does have one thing going for him that they don’t: a real, live, honest to goodness penis. And that puts him well ahead of every other man on this list. Here’s to you, Eddie.
This entry was posted on Monday, January 12th, 2009 at 8:00 am and is filed under Cartoons, Childhood, Sex, TV. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 16th, 2009 at 11:37 am
ROFL!!!! I remember Gadget, Daphne, Velma and of course Jessica Rabbit. (Hard to believe that Daphne and Velma are still out there and active though… there was a new Scooby Doo animated film relased this past halloween, I checked it out, it was lame.)
I’m surprised however that the Chippettes from Alvin and The Chipmunks didn’t make it on here. I mean, I would watch that with my bro and he seemed to REALLY like them!
As usual keep up the good work!
October 28th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Between them, they represented the perfect woman (which is to say, a good-looking girl with large breasts).
Hilarious, it’s damn near impossible to argue with Jessica Rabbit as the #1, even if you don’t like gingers. On the other hand, I was always more into the Baroness than Cover Girl in G.I. Joe, and what about Disney, the movies I recall the most were in the Early 90’s I believe but the 80’s movies and Disney in general seemed to think of an ideal woman’s physique much in the same way Jessica Rabbit’s creators envisioned her. Either way Jessica Rabbit is at the top of the fantastical cartoon spank bank……oh shit, did I just say that out loud.
September 29th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Seriously, the other four or so guys are totally right–Where’s Jem?! Hell, fuck Jem, let’s talk about baby sis Kimber or that damn hologram!
September 23rd, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Huuuur duuur, for all of you guys that said sailor moon (and especially the guy that made the specific list of references that people were wrong about) Sailor Moon was all from the 90s. Hell, the States didn’t even get the anime on PBS until like 1996.
Also Michael…really? You couldn’t have mentioned Casey Jones as “for the ladies” for TMNT?
September 23rd, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Anime chicks are deliberately done sexed up, even young ones. Also, they all have the exact same face that is ruled by the anime style, so it is less of a pick of “who is cuter” and more of “who’se haircut I like more”.
Also, notice how he only post “Too Confusing” over a few of the pics. That’s because the internet is… well… Too Confusing. Look up “futanari”, then thank me. Oh, wait. That’s not it. Then hate me. That’s it.
That said, one about the 90ies cartoons should be in order. Though I fear there’s MUCH more options there to pin down, not to mention much more animations. Also, maybe Swain was too old for the 90ies stuff… (Even though I don’t consider you’re ever “too old” to watch cartoons).
September 15th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Alrighty then, that was, er, interesting. I’m pretty sure it was satirical….Disturbing, but the humor came accross well. Cartoons have, and still do set the basic standards in young children—unfortunately, and it only gets worse. Luckily we have Danny Phantom and Code Lyoko.
September 5th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Protip: To get a better idea of the pros and cons of these fine female specimens, head to deviantart.com and look them up.
Oh, and register on the site to see the “better” ones.
August 17th, 2009 at 4:45 am
One thing they forgot to mention about Gadget was the constant cameltoe she walked around showing due to the tight cut of her jumpsuit. This alone catapults her to #1 in my book, as it was at the time the closest thing I had seen to a vagina.
August 16th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
The Original Ghostbusters movie just came out when most of these shows were on, the spinoffs didn’t come for years.
I agree with this list. April was really my fave cuz I was a huge ninja turtles fan and as Michael Put it “Double Kinky”.
August 15th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Jeaneane from “The Real Ghostbusters” isn’t on here. WTF?
August 14th, 2009 at 5:24 am
20 years from now, there will be a list written here that i can relate to…..
August 12th, 2009 at 10:31 am
“OLD FRNDS ARE GOLD”… “NEW FRNDS ARE DIAMONDS”… IF YOU GET DIAMOND DON’T FORGET THE GOLD. BCOZ 2 HOLD A DIMOND YOU NEED A BASE OF GOLD… SO DON’T FORGET OLD FRND.
August 9th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Yeah, you probably should have had some from the Masters of the Universe. Plus, it’s been suggested that Velma is a lesbian.
August 8th, 2009 at 8:00 am
@Uptoolate: where did you hear that Roger is Bugs’ son?
August 4th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Roger Rabbit is bugs bunnies son, so yeah they’d be similar
July 9th, 2009 at 11:22 am
How about video game women next? I’d like to nominate Lara Croft (duh) and more than half the girls from the Sonic series (Amy, Rouge, Sally, and Fiona come to mind. Okay, those last two are from the comics, but still…)
July 8th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Okay, is that middle picture of the smurfette a photoshop of Mariah Carey? If so, good work. lol
July 5th, 2009 at 6:42 am
I agree with Viper. Wonder Woman may be hot, but she’s got nothing on anime chicks.
June 8th, 2009 at 7:08 am
It’s funny, cause I used to have a huge crush on Gadget when I was a kid and Jessica Rabit. Jessica Biel looked hot as HELL playing her on SNL not too long ago.
But you want to talk hot chicks, you should do one of these for Japanese Anime chicks. They blow these girls outta the water.
May 31st, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Okay… These chicks are hot, but it’ll take more than that to give me a rock hard ********. I’ll take Raven from Teen Titans anyday.
Check out the link….
Sure wish I could be that guy.
http://www.karbolab.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/01/1-raven-assfucked.jpg
May 31st, 2009 at 3:27 am
Jessica rabbit gives me a raging hard smurf
May 25th, 2009 at 6:02 am
She Ra was way hotter than Tarra! Not only was she hot, she was, rich, rode a flying horse, and could kick your ass! The huge sword is a little intimidating, but I thought you liked that sort of thing Swaim.
May 16th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Eh, I was always more of an anime guy… XD Pretty funny list though. Rule 34 is still in effect.
May 16th, 2009 at 3:41 am
lol@ bugs bunny in drag!
May 8th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Love it, love everything about it. I had me more than a few laughs reading this thing, and as a HUGE fan of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” I was very pleased to see old Jess in the number one spot. Now it’s just a matter of someone coming up with a list of the hottest animated girls of the 00’s, just so that I can confirm that I’m not the only one with a huge thing for Raven from “Teen Titans”.
April 24th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
I love you, Michael Swaim. I want to have your babies.
April 20th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
as a female, I must say I’d pick shaggy over fred. because fred is a douche and probably gay with his gay ascot. also, I’ve always liked the tall skinny scruffy look. so there.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Hey, hey, hey!
Dude.
Seriously.
Where’s Rainbow Brite?!
March 21st, 2009 at 2:28 am
Thankyou for the post. Good to be here….! Great Job !!
March 5th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
A good list that would have been great if you had chosen the Baroness and Evil-Lyn over Gadget and Cover Girl. I question if you ever watched G.I. Joe. How did you miss the Baroness!?
March 4th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
As a girl, and a fan of scooby doo, i’d go for Shaggy rather than Fred. Shaggy’s funnier and loves animals
BTW i kinda look like Velma xD
March 3rd, 2009 at 4:35 am
Cover Girl? COVER GIRL?! She wasn’t even IN the cartoon, like, EVER. Where’s Scarlett? Where’s The Baroness?! How could you pass up a sexy, black leather catsuit-wearing Russian GODDESS for a character that was, maybe, in the cartoon once. In the background. I call shenanigans.
Also, Herculoids? Not 80’s. The Herculoids was a show in the late 60’s. You guys are almost 20 years off target there.
I’d swap out Smurfette (what the hell is wrong with you people?) for Teela or Evil-Lyn from He-Man. Hell, even Steelheart from Silverhawks would be a better choice!
February 27th, 2009 at 1:57 am
Mmmmm, Gadget Hackwrench.
February 22nd, 2009 at 4:00 pm
How did you miss Jem?
Those legs that body, I still compare real women to her…none have come close.
February 17th, 2009 at 4:11 am
What a ripoff… You totally messed up on the GI Joe portion!
The BARONESS was the hottest damned woman on that show, bar NONE! Come on now, the hot-evil-librarian-with-an-assault-rifle-and-HISS-tank thing doesn’t work for you? Check your pulse!
I was insanely jealous of Destro for a LOOOONG time, so much so I think it caused me to go bald [Ironic, I know!] Now all I have to do is figure out how to chrome-plate my head… But yeah, you blew it on that one. Other than that nice work.
February 15th, 2009 at 12:57 am
Once again, you’ve perfectly summed up the magic (and creepyness) of my long lost ’80’s childhood…Bravo!
February 13th, 2009 at 9:50 am
What about She-Ra?
http://misslarson.com/walls/tv/she-ra.jpg
February 12th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Why has nobody mentioned Arcee from Transformers? I’m sure that someone out there has a robot fetish.
martin Says:
“you forgot that girl from cool world”
1992. Not ’80s.
MichaelFurlong Says:
“Eh, what about all the women from the X-men, especially Rogue and Jean”
Also not ’80s
EmeraldDragon Says:
“What happened to Charley Davidson from Biker Mice?”
Still not ’80s.
Wren Says:
“you forgot under Bummers for Wonderwoman that she’s an oversexed lesbian dominatrix.”
How is that a “bummer”?
HOOWAH Says:
“Also, I never understood the sexual infatuation with Gadget. She was cute in her way, and exhibited a lot of attractive traits. I dunno. Maybe I was a weird kid. But show me a human version of Gadget and I’m sold. I’d follow a chick like that around like a lost puppy.”
That’s the whole idea. We all wished that Gadget was human… and, you know, a real person.
ranchoth Says:
“HOOWAH—The human version of Gadget would either be Kari Byron…”
The girl who hangs with the Mythbusters but never gets to actually build/invent anything? Pfft. If anyone is a real-life Gadget, it’s Lisa Winter, the girl who built Mecha-Tentamoushi for Battlebots.
Normgarry Says:
“WHAT ABOUT Jasmine from “Aladdin””
1992. Sorry.
Bachalon Says:
“Lola Bunny, Babs Bunny, Minerva Mink”
Space Jam, Tiny Toon Adventures, and Animaniacs are all ’90s.
Does everyone here suck at math or something?
fender Says:
“2. Sailor Moon”
To hell with that. Mercury is where it’s at! Not only is she a genius, but her short blue hair is TO DIE FOR, and her palmtop displays quotes from Robocop.
t-boner Says:
“OMG! people!!! Have we overlooked oober hot Leela from Futurama?!?”
Futurama was not from the ’80s. In fact, it was only BARELY from the ’90s.
February 12th, 2009 at 7:44 am
oops…..just saw the “80’s” reference……..but still……….mmmmmmm………Leela…………….Who’s your daddy????
February 12th, 2009 at 7:41 am
OMG! people!!! Have we overlooked oober hot Leela from Futurama?!?( there’s a one eye monster joke here somewhere…….). And what about Little Mermaid chick??? O.K., granted her lower part might smell a little fishy but she’s cute as hell!!!
k, gota go now…….just realized what I’ve been ranting about for the past 30 seconds and I feel……………..dirty…….Oy!
February 12th, 2009 at 2:40 am
Too confusing=dickgirl, Smurfette looks like Mariah Carey becuase she is (decent photoshop IT), and they forgot to censor the one to the lefts honey colored snatch
February 11th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
I’ve been around a while. And so have several of these cartoons I saw in the 60s.
February 11th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Holy crap, she does look like mariah!
February 11th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Is it just me, or does that Smurfette in the middle look like Mariah Carey??
February 9th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
for anybody who thought the smurfette bit was funny, check out the Robot Chicken take on it - the movie Se7en set in smurf world. Sick and hilarious.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
So in the minds of Cracked article writers, “too confusing” = vagina? Now I’m confused…
February 9th, 2009 at 9:08 am
I concur. That’s absolutely Mariah Carey as a smurf.
February 7th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
1967 Wikipedia ref
February 7th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
I concur but the Herculoids where from 1965 no?
February 7th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
You can see Smurfette’s snatch hair. Success for the enemies of censorship!
February 5th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
hahaha sickk
#10 is really sick !
February 4th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
you forgot strawberry shortcake….
i likey me strawberry….
January 30th, 2009 at 4:36 am
Michael Swaim, I love you.
In a word, AWESOME!
January 30th, 2009 at 3:35 am
You are doing a wonderful thing here on the Internet. I wish you the very best. Kindest regards.
January 28th, 2009 at 3:38 am
Dude, Snarf? Tira and Panthro are where it’s all at!
That said, I appreciate the Velma love. Daphne may be the more obviously pretty one, but people tend to forget that Velma has big boobs, a miniskirt and a brain, and she’s kinda cute too.
With THAT said, I’d happily take Shaggy over Fred. The former can be bribed with food and frightened into submission, the other seems to have a rather inflated opinion of himself and considers himself in charge. No choice, man.
Can I just ask, though, why the hell anyone would look at Jessica Rabbit and think, “You know what she needs? Bigger boobs!”?
January 26th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Sexy girl fights two guys: HOT!
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=fab6abfcf1c333aa9838&page=8&viewtype=&category=mr
January 24th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
notice how 5 of these are redheads? can we blame 80’s cartoon women for the over-sexed redhead stereotype?
January 24th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Wait wasn’t Scooby-Doo from the 60’s?
January 24th, 2009 at 6:11 am
Very nice list! just a few comments.
Cover girl? It was always Scarlett or Lady J. Baroness was
not so much though..
Jem and She-ra?Good choices but how many young teen boys
would admit to watching what was meant as ‘girl’ cartoons?
Thundarr’s Princess Arial should have been one..
January 20th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Mmm, Gadget, how I used to look forward to Disney Afternoon because of… er… I mean… uh… this is NAUSEATING!!! What kind of SICK PERSON would ever find THIS stuff ATTRACTIVE?!?! I can’t believe anyone could even THINK this way!!!!!!
January 18th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Great article dude. I wasn’t around in the 80’s, so almost all of these are new to me. I’d heard of a few, but I’ve never seem most of the toons… Apart from Scooby Doo of course. That program will never die, no matter how many spin-off series they decide to make out of it.
Also, to anyone who says “You are wrong and sick, look at real women you freak!”, I’d like to point out that it doesn’t matter what you’re looking at, at the end of the day it’s still your hand. It’s not as if looking at a real woman makes your hand a real woman.
Let me think of a way of putting it… It’s like when some people dream up their perfect car. They know they’ll never get it, and will have to put up with some shoddy Vauxhall or something, so they dream of something indestructible that goes a thousand miles an hour, and is armed with an insane amound of weaponry and other gadgets that probably don’t exist. Kinda like the Batmobile.
So, why not think of a woman with beachball tits, if that’s what you’re in to… Tall, short, thin, fat, human, furry… If you’re going to think about a fictional girl (or guy), why not go crazy, give them all the attributes you want, whether those attributes exist or not. Everyone has a fetish. Some are just weirder than others.
Also, To The Guy Down There Who Types Like This… give your shift-key a break, please.
-Dark-
January 18th, 2009 at 2:13 am
No Jemm?
January 17th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
with Harley Quinn, there’s a good chance her Puddin’, Mistah J is watching from a two-way mirror
also, where is outrageous (truly, truly, truly, truly, truly outrageous) Jem?
January 17th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
HARLEY QUINN. YOU FORGOT HARLEY QUINN. YOU HAVE FUCKING SMURFETTE BUT-
Oh, wait. 80’s. Right. Do the 90’s, man! I mean, I’m a straight female, but I would have totally done about half of the female cartoon characters from the nineties… I mean, shit! Did you WATCH Batman the Animated Series?
January 17th, 2009 at 4:56 am
Do you whippersnappers recall the shocking glitch in the Colecovision video game of Smurf: Rescue in Gargamel’s Castle? Legend has it that if Rescue Smurf Smurfed far enough out to one side of the screen where Smurfette is trapped up on a shelf in Gargamel’s office, her dress disappeared. I had the 2600 version but DON’T THINK I DIDN’T TRY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
*sigh*
No takers on Trixie from Speed Racer? Because holy crap Speed Racer was my man.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
What? No Bugs Bunny dressed up as a woman?
January 16th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
“She’s got a kid. Downer, dude.”
fuck you, I’d hit on a MILF any day of the week.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Cheetara be my wife!! *swing!*
January 16th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Since I was a kid at the time, I’d probably put Penny from Inspector Gadget on this list (although it was more of a friend thing).
No Jem?
January 16th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Real or not, I would TOTALLY do Kim Possible
January 16th, 2009 at 12:26 am
rule 34!
January 16th, 2009 at 12:20 am
Miko? Pff. Yaku all the way. And Nailkaiser from Angel Blade, for hentai in general.
January 15th, 2009 at 1:18 am
1. Miko Mido
2. Sailor Moon
3. Miko Mido’s mom…
January 15th, 2009 at 12:27 am
How about those from Anime who surely ushered people to manhood?! More interesting!
January 14th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
Hey,I Do Have a Life!!
A Fairly Decent One Considering
I’m a Middle Aged Diabetic!!
January 14th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
…
Holy shit, Russian spammers?
January 14th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Freddy was an ass. Forced to choose, I’d pick Shaggy any day.
Secondary Title Suggestion: “The Origin of Rule 34″
January 14th, 2009 at 9:17 am
[...] мультяшки Cracked.com опубликовал десятку самых сексуальных героинь детских [...]
January 14th, 2009 at 9:17 am
[...] мультяшки Cracked.com опубликовал десятку самых сексуальных героинь детских [...]
January 14th, 2009 at 9:16 am
[...] мультяшки Cracked.com опубликовал десятку самых сексуальных героинь детских [...]
January 14th, 2009 at 9:04 am
[...] мультяшки Cracked.com опубликовал десятку самых сексуальных героинь детских [...]
January 14th, 2009 at 9:04 am
[...] мультяшки Cracked.com опубликовал десятку самых сексуальных героинь детских [...]
January 14th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Scarlett was WAY hotter than Cover Girl.
That is all.
January 14th, 2009 at 7:32 am
Man you guys need to stop pulling over toons and find some real pussy get a life you geeks.
January 14th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Lola Bunny, Babs Bunny, Minerva Mink.
C’mon, I’m gay, and I remembered those.
January 14th, 2009 at 6:46 am
Fucking freaks
January 14th, 2009 at 12:50 am
Unless it’s been mentioned in the forums, any G.I. joe fanboys might want to check out casting for the film version they’re coming out with for 2009 at IMDB or wherever you get movie news. I hear a Victoria’s secret angel is playing Cover Girl.
January 13th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
LostOne Zero in Cracked. Now that’s a surprise… of sorts…
Anyway. Where on earth is Janine, the one woman who instantly made me fetishize on both redheads and glasses girls!?
January 13th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
I’m generally in agreement with this list, but there’s another glaring omission: Mrs. Cunningham from Tale Spin!
January 13th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Holy shit, I thought I was the only one who had a crush on Gadget.
January 13th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
As Long as Wer’e Getting Into Anthromorphic Cartoon Characters,Forget Cheetara from Thundercats!!
Polly Pureheart From Underdog Was a Whole Lot sexier!!
January 13th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
How about some from today:
(1)Erin from ESurance.She takes on the bad guys and draws customers into her world as well!!
(2)Disney’s Kim Possible.Schoolgirl by Day,Spy By Night.
Very Sexy To Boot!!
(3)Nancy Gribble from King of the Hill.
Imagine Nicolette Sheridan’s Character Edie from Desperate Housewives Animated and Living With Your Conspiracy Theorist/Exterminator Hubby and Your Native American Lover in a Suburb in The Dallas-Fort worth Area!!
Still,With Her Big Texas Blonde Hair Would Definitely Make You Holler’Yee Haw!!’.
January 13th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Minmei, Lisa Hayes, and Dana Sterling from Robotech Generation 1.
(God I hope none of them are the purple haired chick who was really a dude, from Generation 2 or 3)
Oh, and also Red, from Fraggle Rock.
January 13th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Someday…Do one about hot anime chicks. Plzkthnx.
January 13th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
She is absolutely stunning!!1!
http://ihatekaty.com/?id=60980#6dzz5z54fsdq7ez78z8d
January 13th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Actually, Sir SWAIM, if you’ve ever read the original novel Who Framed Roger Rabbit was based on (titled Who Censored Roger Rabbit by Gar Wolf), Roger dies in the middle of the book. Apparently, you can kill cartoons. Especially with a machine gun.
So all you fan boys still have a chance.
January 13th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Several previous posters beat me to this, but how could you possibly leave out Teela from Masters of the Universe?
January 13th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
CARTOON GIRLS I WANT TO NAIL
http://geocities.com/TelevisionCity/1356/
January 13th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
You can keep Cover Girl and Lady Jaye (and I’ll flip ya for Zantanna) but the Baroness is all mine.
January 13th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
What? No Janine Melnitz?
January 13th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Ranchoth: The producers of Rescue Rangers are on record as saying that Jordan from “Real Genius” was one of the inspirations for Gadget.
And, yes, I have to point this out: TEELA! Talk about your conspicuous absences! What’s not to love? Strong! Brave! Compassionate! Beautiful! She was it in the 80’s.
Glad to see someone else remembered “The Raccoons.” Must be another Canadian.
January 13th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Thiever of ideas! I left a comment suggesting this very thing in “The 10 Most Disastrous Saturday Morning Cartoon Adaptations”!
Your GOD DAMNED WELCOME
January 13th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
How about JEM? hmmm, has the holographic earings that can make her look like anyone you want? gotta be something worth plunging into…
and the rest of the band is cute too.
January 13th, 2009 at 11:39 am
Teela to much for you to handle?
January 13th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Wow…that’s…that’s ballsy, Swaim. I only reluctantly copped to Princess Lana a few weeks back, and that didn’t even involve bestiality or midget-lust.
Say what you want about Swaim - from horrifying racist to problem drinker to closet furry - the man’s got chutzpah.
January 13th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Pretty good! Man, those internet examples really make me wonder….thanks!
January 13th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Wow! I had no idea you could get a sexual thrill out of cartoons!
Here I have been using women to satisfy my needs, and all the time, I could have been jerkin to two dimensional, un-accessable, marginal femminine pulchritudenous pictures? Go on!
I was eight, she was twelve, and into {eh, whatever you want to call it when your eight!} we did delve. Uh, there weren’t any “toons” then, you couldn’t get hot over Olive Oyl, and Tom Terrific was gay. Yeah, in the fifties, jerks! But all thats changed now, you see, I got to get me some of that booty toons!
Anime is soooo compelling! Whacka-whacka-whacka
January 13th, 2009 at 9:27 am
That’s because She-Ra was into incest and wierd creepy tantric.
Plus, she did have quite a mannish edge, I swear I’ve seen ‘chicks’ looking like her hanging around outside those ‘different’ kind of clubs.
January 13th, 2009 at 8:18 am
You forgot aboot Shera Princess of Power. You f’ed up with her and you’ve got her big brother to deal with.
Who honestly hasn’t thought about her. MEOW!
January 13th, 2009 at 7:13 am
[...] Once again the boys are Cracked are at it again. This time they take an in-depth look at cartoons that were partly responsible for us growing into or should I say growing our “manhood.” Let’s face it. Sexy cartoon definitely get those juices flowing. There’s no question about it. Especially these 10 cartoons. [...]
January 13th, 2009 at 6:31 am
I wonder what will be the repercussions of this article on google trends.
January 13th, 2009 at 6:27 am
Swaim, this isn’t really the usual ‘boo, you suck you fucking sucker’ sort of criticism you get, but the article sort of slided too far away in the direction that makes me want to spend time alone in a darkened room.
Goddamn internet fallout.
January 13th, 2009 at 6:09 am
About Cover Girl, I think she’s the only Joe woman to have her own comic series (the Baroness have her own miniseries too). Too bad she ain’t in the upcoming GI Joe movie.
And why are you recommending Snarf for the ladies? There’s two other manly males in hat show.
Another thing, maybe not so much in the 80s cartoon, but April have a boyfriend, Casey Jones in the comics and the new series. Besides, that chick from Biker Mice is hotter (and I think have a sexual tension with one of the mice).
January 13th, 2009 at 5:41 am
As soon as I saw the topic, I knew Jessica Rabbit would be number one. She’s our generation’s Marylin Monroe… which says something really said about our generation.
But who am I to judge? I’ve probably beat off to Jessica Rabbit more than I’ve had sex with real-life women. Sadder still, I’ve dated women for the exclusive fact that they look like Jessica Rabbit… right down to the red hair and similar waste-to-bust ratio. (Not exact… I’m pretty sure a real woman would die.)
Also, why do so many of these drawings look like they’re pulled from a BE fetish site?
January 13th, 2009 at 4:10 am
@ Normgarry
Its seems you didn’t pay attention to the article. Aladdin came out in 1992 and automatically doesn’t qualify as a CARTOON FROM THE 80S!!
January 13th, 2009 at 4:02 am
It wasn’t just the boys who have fond memories of Gadget….Though I remember her from the 90s…
January 13th, 2009 at 3:24 am
DUDE! What about Teela from HE-Man!!!! holy shit man!
January 13th, 2009 at 1:48 am
If Roger Rabbit is happily married to Jessica Rabbit, then just what is he doing up another guys overcoat, hmmmm??, and, as for Batman, his sidekick wears hot pants and leotards, I wonder if thats just to create a comparative point of reference?
Penelope Pitstop was one of my all time favourites, poor old Dick Dastardly, he never did get to use his Dastardly……well you know!
January 13th, 2009 at 1:37 am
Am I the only one who had a thing for Rock1 from Bionic Six?
January 13th, 2009 at 1:17 am
I laughed at the “skeeziest motherfucker” line for much longer than I should have.
January 13th, 2009 at 1:14 am
Rearrange the letters in “Baroness” and you get “Assboner,” which is downright eerie.
January 13th, 2009 at 1:12 am
I liked Daphne when I was little, but now she doesn’t do a thing for me whereas Velma is just about the spitting image of my fantasies. Freckles, thick glasses, short hair…yeah…and she reads books! Actual books!
I actually know quite a few girls who think Shaggy is adorable. Confusing, yeah.
I second (or third, or tenth, or whatever it’s up to niow) that the Baroness is *the* GI.Joe chick.
January 13th, 2009 at 12:10 am
WHAT ABOUT Jasmine from “Aladdin”
Diney has constantly drawn absolute sluts in their movies and I thank them so much for that.
January 13th, 2009 at 12:00 am
First of all, there is an OLD website you should check out named
CARTOON GIRLS I WANT TO NAIL
http:// geocities.com/TelevisionCity/1356/
Hasn’t been updated but its cool to check out.
Secondly, I never really felt overly sexual to Cheetarah cause she reminded me too much of my mom. The same goes for Wonder woman. They both bare all, but I’m not feeling it.
Sort of a reverse oedipus thing.
My favorite female characters have been from video games. No - not Laura Croft…I like Mileena, Kitana, Jade and gasp…I’d even fuck Sheeva !!!!
WHAT ABOUT THE BARONESS from GI JOE?
Baroness has an ass that they haven’t drawn in years !!!!!
WHAT ABOUT JUDY JETSON? Has no one seen the pics of George nailing Judy? They were AWESOME !
January 12th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
Translation: Its vaguely like an idea that has been in production for months. I feel ripped off because someone had a vaguely similar idea months ago.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
This strikes me as remarkably like an idea I pitched last month that got nowhere with the editors. I feel ripped off and violated.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
awww c’mon cat tongue’s gotta be a perk!!
January 12th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
I think that the effect of Gadget had terrible, terrible results…
Like try to search on the Encyclopedia Dramatica the words: Ray Jones.
That will haunt your dreams for ages.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Ah Yes,Velma and Daphne from”Scooby Doo”!!!
Sure,Daphne Was Most Definitely Babealiscious!!
But Velma,In Her Nerdiness Woulda Probably Been
a Lot Better In The sack!!
Think About It:Every Swingin’Dick Would Follow Daphne To The Toilet Just To Smell Her Pee!!
Essentially,Daphne Was Paris Hilton Forty Years ago!!
Velma On The Other Hand Was The Poor Nerdy Girl Who Made The Honor Roll,Yet Never Had a Date To The Homecoming Dance/Prom/etc. and Truth Be Known,Woulda Loved It If Fred Asked Her To Be His Date!!
Now Whether Fred Was Being a Gentleman or If It Was a Dirty Trick ala Sissy Spacek in”Carrie”,No One Knows!!
However,Don’t Get Girls Like That Too Riled Up,Else They’ll Cause Havoc at The Prom BFT!!!
Anyway,Nerdy Girls,If Given Half a Chance Would Jump Your Bones ASAP Given a Chance!!
Think About Miss Jane Hathaway on The Beverly Hillbillies:
Sure,Nancy Kulp Was a Lezbo In Real Life;But You Notice How She Was Doing Everything Short of Pulling Jethro’s Pants Down and Givin’Him a BJ!!
Yet,He Was Too Busy Trying To Make The Sexy Time With The Starlets at Mammoth Studios Who Shot Him Down Like a Patriot Missile in Gulf War I!!!
If He’d Only Took Her Up On It!!All They Woulda Had To Do Is Lock The Door To Her Office;Hop Up On The Desk;Hike Up Her skirt and Pull Down Her Panty Girdle and Tell Him”Well Doggies!!!Ride Me Like A Buckin’Bronc You Big Dumb Stud!!”.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Haha, that was a hilarious article. I’m (a mostly straight) female, so thanks for all the little touches that made it worthwhile for me to read too.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
HOOWAH—The human version of Gadget would either be Kari Byron, or Jordan from the underexposed 1985 comedy “Real Genius.”
January 12th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Uh, Wren? Those aren’t vaginas…
January 12th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
I had the same idea, Willie. The article was just an excuse for Swaim to post the pictures.
And definitely the chick from Goof Troop. Although an underage dog is a little weird, she still gave/gives me a boner.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Rachel Nichols and Sienna Miller are to play Scarlett and Baroness, respectively, in some GI Joe movie to be released whenever.
Also, I never understood the sexual infatuation with Gadget. She was cute in her way, and exhibited a lot of attractive traits. I dunno. Maybe I was a weird kid. But show me a human version of Gadget and I’m sold. I’d follow a chick like that around like a lost puppy. :p
January 12th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
Wren: since when is being an oversexed lesbian dominatrix a bummer?
January 12th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
I love how you found all the direct pics of vaginas ‘too confusing’.
And you forgot under Bummers for Wonderwoman that she’s an oversexed lesbian dominatrix. In fact, I think there was a reference to that in a Cracked article a ways back.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
I was with you on everything… except for Gadget. It kind of made a bezoar form in my stomach, Dude, to counteract the poison that is unmistakeably copulating inside your DNA. And when your angry, mouse-lusting cells generate enough pre-cum, I mean, electromagnetic energy to affect all who are reading your brain, I then realized I needed to shield my soul from that tiny coital darkness.
And yes, Velma does have big tits. Considering she got reductive surgery in elementary school, that is no small feat.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Outstanding! But where’s Minerva Mink? (oh right, 80’s, I forgot.)
January 12th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
EchoCharlie, you’re thinking of the broad from Josie and the Pussycats in Outerspace, Alexandria. Her brother was voiced by Casey Kasem.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
I was wondering why Linka, Gi and Dr. Blight from Captain Planet weren’t here, but Wikipedia informs me that it actually started in 1990, so fair enough.
I do find the inclusion of anthropomorphic animals and Smurfette weird and disturbing though.
January 12th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
“She’s probably the only female on this list who would have found our 11-year-old junk imponderably huge.”
Triple LOL
January 12th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
What about teen age Pebbles?
I’d Bed her Rock!
And Veronica - the nasty bitch with the skunk hair from The Archies. She’d be perfect for an angry dragon!
“Snarl all you want vinegar tits. You know you loved it!”
January 12th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Thanks for putting up the female section- I totally agree about Batman. Batman is friggin hot. Loved him wayyyy before Christian Bale came on the scene.
January 12th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
[...] 10 Female 80s Cartoons That Ushered Us Into Manhood | Cracked.com cracked… some of the finest internet comedy hits it on the head again. (tags: cartoon) Share and Enjoy: [...]
January 12th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
What about Sheila and Diana from Dungeons and Dragons?
Fur bikini and thigh boots for the win!
January 12th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Some of these cartoons are not from the 1980s. And as for cartoon hotties, Peg from “Goof Troop” always made me hot for some paint and ink ass.
January 12th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Absolutely hilarious work.
January 12th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
…I always had the hots for Egon.
January 12th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Where’s Teela?
January 12th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Great job, Mr. Swaim, very funny.
“It’s ok to yell Jinkies” made me laugh so hard I peed a little!
Keep up the great work.
January 12th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Why do I get the feeling Swaim was surfing for cartoon poon when he suddenly came up with a great idea for an article?
January 12th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Baroness from C.O.B.R.A. was by far the hottest on the show.
January 12th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
No Ariel from Thundarr the Barbarian?
January 12th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
I’d love to see an actual full article like this, written by a female writer (you do have those here at Cracked, don’t you?), with our male cartoon crushes…but thanks for thinking of us, Michael.
Raphael was always my favorite Turtle…but I don’t remember ever lusting after him…
If you went into 90’s cartoons I always had the hots for Wakko Warner from Animaniacs.
Yes I’m strange. That’s why I’m here.
Still, if it’s animated characters I’m after it’s more in the Anime and videogames that have the hotties.
January 12th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
thanks alot Swaim, now i have the chip and dale theme song stuck in my head! bastard.
January 12th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
this site just got me to new heights.
January 12th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
…i feel weird, mr. swaim.
i always thought i was straight, and now i’m reminded of how hot i always thought jessica rabbit was.
January 12th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
I had such a weird, inexplicable crush on Gadget. If I had been in that disturbing “Coo-coo Cola” soda pop cult with her, I’d have wrecked that field mouse vag! Word…
January 12th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
The ’something for the ladies’ in TMNT was Shredder. C’mon.
January 12th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
artic,
your choice of favourite ninja turtle was based on the colour he wore?
January 12th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Where are the girls from the “Dungeons and Dragons” cartoon!?!?!? I’ll never forgive their absence in this article!!!
January 12th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
contrary to cartoon standards, all the smurfs have pants. except smurfette.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
A very good article sir, exactly what I needed after a long day.
http://ihatekaty.com/?id=496587#6dzz5z54fsdq7ez78z8d
January 12th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Cover Girl frok G.I. Joe? What the hell…
We had fantasies about the Baroness or Lady Scarlett.
Who the hell is Cover Girl?
January 12th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
I agree. Poop. Word.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Sir Unimaginative, they’re very probably censoring out the dicks that have supposedly been drawn onto these beautiful cartoon women. So I do believe that it is YOU who is new to the internet
January 12th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
So i vaguely remember this one episode of Thundercats where there were clones of all of them. And so Cheetara had to fight her clone. I think that was probably the origin of my catfight fantasies.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
[...] VIEW THE ENTIRE (hilarious) LIST HERE « 2nd ANNUAL MONSTER BEACH TIKI PARTY Jan. 17, 2009 - Pat’s Pub [...]
January 12th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
lol I saw 1 from a mile away
January 12th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Thanks for putting the “Something for the ladies” section. I typicaly skim most articles with a male intended audience, but that made it worth reading.
Michealangelo from the TMNT was my childhood non-existant crush. Orange is über-sexy.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
tex,
The hot chick for Thundarr the Barbarian was Princess Ariel. You can see that I referenced her lack of inclusion way down in the comments.
Hope this helps.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
http://ihatekaty.com/?id=480966#6dzz5z54fsdq7ez78z8d
touche sir
January 12th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
As a lady, I appreciate Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals). Real penises are my favorite.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I think its safe to say that alot of names were missed here (Tela, Evilin, almost every female from Jem, and even Rainbow Brite [there was just something about her, you know?]), but still a great article. Maybe a part 2 is in order.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Gotta agree with Nimrod and tj. Baroness all the way.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
When I was a kid, I used to watch Pokemon with my little brother. He had a crush on Misty (yes, the slutty preteen redhead), and I was all up on James (yes, the whiney blue-haired idiot who’s always getting beaten into submission by his partner in crime).
What does that say about me? I don’t want to know.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
What about cupcake… what guy wouldn’t wanna grab those pigtails while… um yeah good article
January 12th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
http://ihatekaty.com/?id=428621#6dzz5z54fsdq7ez78z8d <——–great drawings of all of these girls and more. hysterical.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Well, at first I was going to ask why NONE of the many, many females of “Jem” were included on this list! (And believe me, there were many.) You missed a perfect oppurtunity to wonder if the carpet really matched the drapes when the drapes were in such wild colours as pink, blue, green, purple, and in one case pink and yellow and orange and teal all at once!
All was forgiven, however, with the inclusion of Jessica Rabbit, the toon that first made me question my sexuality. Have mercy!
January 12th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
You go with Covergirl not Scarlet? Now granted Scarlet is dating the most badass ninja ever, but come on, she’s still way hotter than covergirl!
O.k. maybe not way hotter, but she’s strill pretty hot, it’s not like we’re talking about Lady J here, and Scarlett’s got the better back story.
And hey, where’s She-Ra? Where’s Tela? Where’s Evilin! Come on, you put gadget and smurfette on here, but not Evilin! Did you know she’s evil? Evil chicks are always super freaky, just ask Batman.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
wtf? fat april
January 12th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
As a female, my choice of Thundercats would be Tigro, because he has brains and somehow the 40-50s man-charme which is lacked by George Clooney entirely.
Alas, as a teenage girl I was all about Lion-O because I liked Lions and well…. MUSCLES.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Swaim, you “forgot” to censor Smurfette’s bush.Guess there’s nothing too confusing about that.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Maggie said:
“1) Why are vaginas “too confusing” for you?”
You’re new to the Internet, aren’t you.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Great article. Missing, though, was Teela, He-man’s unitard-clad girlfriend..? Sister? Also, anybody know the name of the hot chick in Thundar The Barbarian’s gang? She was sooooo hot when I was, um, like, 5.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
@Maggie: too confusing for his 11-year-old self, is what I think Swaim meant. But these are pictures he found on the internet, so there’s really no certainty that those are vaginas under there.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Oh… all the merchandise that had to be harmed (raped) for the making of this article. Your my hero Swaim.
This article finally makes me understand Japanese fetishes. I mean, look at the cartoons they’re raised on.
Swaim you are indeed one of natures geniuses. You may hump fluffy dolls, but you have made a breakthrough in sexology and understanding the Japaneseology.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I know this isn’t 80s, but my cartoon hottie was Derek Wildstar from Star Blazers (I can still sing the theme songs — both to and from Iscandar thank you).
And the Shaggy line cracked me up, too. But mostly because Mr. Greengoddess looks like a cross between Shaggy and Gladstone.
Also, I am Wonder Woman.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
With all of the He-Man references in this article, you failed to include my childhood cartoon crush…Tela. She wore almost nothing, and I was imagining her naked before I even knew what went in those places.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
i always liked baroness better than cover girl.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
if you like the pics, it’s rule 34 and for more go there:
http://rule34.paheal.net
don’t be worried about the ‘00ers, avatar the last airbender is quite popular
January 12th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
And sweet Polly Purebread. But that’s just sick.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
we do love a sense of humour over all else
January 12th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Of course I also had Natasha saying “moose and squirrel” in that luscious Russian accent.
But if it’s warped sexuality you want, talk to anyone reaching puberty during the original Star Trek run. Or found “Gilligan’s Island” a rich source of fantasy material.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
How could you not include FireStar from Spiderman and his amazing friends?
January 12th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Jinkies!
January 12th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I actually used to masturbate a lot in honor of Gadget and Cheetara, and Temis from “Ulysses 31″ (which was french, so I doubt most people remember that show at all) and also the girl from the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I’m pretty sure that is a photo shopped picture of mariah carey as Smurfette. *shudder*
January 12th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
With all this talk about the 80’s, all I can think about is Dolph Lundgren in his mankini, oiled up and sweating all over the place. Masters of the Universe = greatest film EVER if you’re female. Phwoar.
P.S - Don’t worry Swaim, us women will always love your sense of humour!
January 12th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Meanwhile, in Japan:
http://www.news.com.au/technology/story/0,25642,24576437-5014239,00.html
Talk about taking it to a whole new level!
January 12th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
“the skeeziest motherfucker you’ve ever laid eyes on” Probably the funniest line I’ve read on this site in a long long time. Great stuff
January 12th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
The best thing about Cheetara - the very best thing - is that some pervert gave her figurine a cameltoe.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
There were new episodes of all the shows you mentioned produced in the 80’s (yes, even six episodes of the Herculoids). Sometime in the 80’s, someone drew those women and put them on TV and we watched them. That’s as close as you can get to being from the 80’s without putting on a slap bracelet, as far as I’m concerned.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
By the way, #s 2, 3, 4, and 6 were not from the 80s. The Superfriends started in the 70s (and the version used in this article was from the 70s as well), Scooby Doo started in 69 (that joke just wrote itself), and the Herculoids are from the 60s.
And yes, this from the guy who just cried about Betty and Veronica not being in this article. I’m actually still physically crying about that too.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Two things to say.
1) Why are vaginas “too confusing” for you?
2) D’you think maybe 80’s animal cartoons are to blame for furries? You openly admit to finding a mouse and a cat sexy right here, and you’re not even a furry (as far as we know.)
January 12th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Who was Riff-Raff’s girlfriend on the Heathcliff and Riff-Raff show? I can’t remember her name, but she had big, furry, perfect…oh good lord.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Great article! I love revisiting fads of the 80’s!
I can’t imagine why you’d have an elastic muumuu though…..
January 12th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Betty and Veronica not even in the top ten, let alone not #1? Those two were both smoking hot, were totally different, and perfectly epitomized confusion in what males want. Look at what they did to stupid ass Archie. And FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, we need a picture of them in this article doing what Velma and Daphne were doing.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
muffinman ‘I just wanted to say, I absolutely did not save any of those pictures to my computer at all’
Yeah - me neither. I’m going to look for the uncensored ones :p
January 12th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
For the record, people who were on the list but lost out when it got narrowed down: Cupcake from The Happy Days cartoon, The D & D people that were mentioned (esp. the Acrobat), Josie and the Pussycats (not 80’s), Judy Jetson, She-Ra, and a couple others.
Although I second Penelope Pitstop. I forgot her.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I happen to have one friend who was more attracted to Shaggy than Fred. One reason: Freddy’s very clearly gay.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I just wanted to say, I absolutely did not save any of those pictures to my computer at all
January 12th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Taarna
January 12th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Finally! Now that I know there are others like me, I don’t have to be ashamed of sporting wood over cartoon women any longer.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Speaking of Thundercats, did anyone see this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fb50GMmY5nk
January 12th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
What happened to Charley Davidson from Biker Mice? How did she not make this list?
January 12th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
According to furries of my acquantence, there’s a female bat called “Foxglove” who actually has more fans than Gadget . . . just putting that out there. Cause knowledge is power.
Great article BTW. 80’s cartoon nostalgia is always good times.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
what about the d&d cartoon.aye it was lame but it had a black chick in a fur bikini and a ginger in thigh high slut boots.ill admit it focused on the dudes but still….brown suger!sommit you have lacking in your list.
ps.jessica rabbits huge breasts.wooooooooooo
January 12th, 2009 at 11:55 am
I grew up in a much better time for this.
1. Penelope Pitstop. Crude euphemism, anyone?
2. Betty Rubble. Always barefoot.
3. Josie. And ALL THE PUSSYCATS! (High fiving)
4. Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
5. Betty and Veronica. Oh my god, Betty and Veronica.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:49 am
I’m going to have to call bullshit on Cover Girl too. Scarlet or at least the Baroness, now that is uncomfortable cartoon lust!
January 12th, 2009 at 11:41 am
@ Bearman:
It’s Chip; Dale has a red nose.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Great list, it really takes me back. And some of that fallout is scarey, while the rest of it is…
January 12th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Eh, what about all the women from the X-men, especially Rogue and Jean.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Where’s She-Ra? And I so wanted to see the erotic She-Ra fan art… Man she’s hot… I’d tap her for the honor of Grayskull..
January 12th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Some things:
Did he just use goatse as a verb?
Also, Swaim, you fucking rule, run for president, I’ll vote.
Wtf is “skeeziest” - assuming this is a Shaggy reference.
One of the better articles I’ve read in a long time, but I do love a lot of the vids that get air time.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:25 am
How can you not put Evil Lynn, Sorceress, Teela, and She-Ra on this list? I would have accepted a combined entry for the sake of crap. Other than that, hilarious article.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:23 am
you forgot that girl from cool world.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1FqSlyAdJ4
great list though!
January 12th, 2009 at 11:22 am
“Hey, he may not be a looker, but he’ll make you laugh! That’s what women want, right? Dear God, please tell me that’s what women want.”
That made me laugh.
Dammit, Swaim. I’m playing right into your hands.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Cover Girl? No way, not with that short hair. Scarlett all the way!
January 12th, 2009 at 11:15 am
This List of animated women is so wrong on so many levels LOL
January 12th, 2009 at 11:11 am
You had the same results as the nostalgia critic besides smurfette , tara and gadget everyone else pretty much.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:07 am
The mushroom in the first Smurfette picture is hilarious, and is the second one Mariah Carey?
January 12th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Funny, but man a NSFW warning would have been nice to have before scrolling down to the “Internet Fallout” of Chip and Gadget. Was it Chip or Dale? I can’t tell without his shirt on. Anyways, I know this is all pretty perverse, but I found the Gadget thing more perverted than any other on this list for some reason.
While I’m ranting, I never knew about Smurfette’s plastic surgery. Read her Wiki bio, it’s a feminist’s worst nightmare.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Dude, forget Cover Girl, it was always the Baroness. Nerd glasses, a skin tight leather dominatrix outfit, a serious rack, and an accent? That’s four fetishes in one luscious package!
January 12th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Now I’m not saying you ripped anyone off, but you should know that someone has composed a similar list that even includes April, Cheetarah, Daphne, and even Jessica as the #1 pick, and it was posted back in July.
http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic/910-top-11-hottest-animated-wome
This is probably coincidental, as your list includes the somewhat disturbing (yet intriguing) fan drawings. And it’s not like anyone has a monopoly on evaluating animated jerk-off material. Perverted minds think alike, not that I’m anyone to judge.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Oh dear GOD, it’s the Yiffy…
January 12th, 2009 at 10:42 am
That was the most disturbing yet humorous insight into mens’ minds ever.
Thank you, Swaim.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:42 am
They forgot Lady J from GI JOE, she is just as hot as Covergirl in her own way! And then there was Scarlett. I mean seriously she was way hotter then Covergirl. Now that would make for one wild cartoon all-girl threesome that even Vivid Video producers would want to sponsor.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:41 am
you failed to mention the little mermaid
all she wore was a shell bikini, and when she sang her and the waves crashed behind her her rack was quite distinctive
oh… the confused feelings
January 12th, 2009 at 10:38 am
GI Joe is not the most unrealistic recruiting tool. The commercial where the marine climbs a cliff and kills a dragon is. Seriously, what the fuck?
January 12th, 2009 at 10:37 am
“Reading this, I truly feel sorry for the young men that will grow up in the 00s. I mean, the 90s, there was a decline in amount of hot cartoon girls, but they were still there, though the only one I can point out off the top of my head is Jessie from Team Rocket.”
So many of the new cartoons have this abstract kind of design. The animation in these older cartoons wasn’t always great, but many of the characters are drawn more realistically.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:33 am
I had a thing for Melissa Raccoon as a kid for reasons I can not explain right now
January 12th, 2009 at 10:19 am
I don’t know who edited that picture of Love Hina to have Velma and Daphne’s faces, but I want to punch them in the junk very hard.
Anyway, so yeah. This article made me uncomfortable because at some point I had a crush on every single character on this list. Some of them, I still do. (ahemJessicaandGadget)
January 12th, 2009 at 10:11 am
I have to agree with EM. Did you somehow forget that Rule #34 was still in force? None of this surprises me. It’s funny, but none of it really bothers me.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:06 am
In He-Man world it was all about the Sorceress.
Teela and Evilyn come close, but it’s just hard not to want the keeper of the castle.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:04 am
You haven’t seen TMNT internet fallout until you’ve watched this cartoon my cousin made.
Extremely NSFW:
http://www.janicak.com/images/Art/other/janicak_dougan_tmnt.wmv
I believe this took him 3 months to make.
Ah, college.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Personally, I’d go for Scarlet over Covergirl.
Also, no Teela or She-Ra? Man, those chicks had it going on!
January 12th, 2009 at 10:02 am
You haven’t seen TMNT internet fallout until you’ve seen this cartoon my cousin made.
Extremely NSFW:
http://www.janicak.com/images/Art/other/janicak_dougan_tmnt.wmv
January 12th, 2009 at 10:00 am
And why a lot of these fantasy characters have red hair?
January 12th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Honest to God, Jessica Rabbit made me sweat. Now I am relieved that this happens to others too. You left out Teela from He-Man, Diana Palmer from Phantom, Panacea from Asterix. Now, if nobody shares these crushes, I will have to go back being ashamed.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:52 am
The Smurfs are Belgian, good article for the rest
January 12th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Where’s the Little Mermaid?
January 12th, 2009 at 9:41 am
LOL, Scooby Doo ROCKED!
http://www.privacy.de.tc
January 12th, 2009 at 9:38 am
15 years on and I still find that scene with Jessica Rabbit singing incredibly sexy. It’s perfectly choreographed and Amy Irving has a brilliant voice. Remind yourself here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yy5THitqPBw
@Ein: Not Jessie, Misty =P She always had that cute girlish charm and borderline neurotic temperament.
Those crushes always seemed so innocent and cute back then, but unfortunately you grow up and they never do. So it just turns into creepy cartoon pedophilia and bestiality.
Oh and it’s Delorean, not Delorian
January 12th, 2009 at 9:37 am
re: G.I. Joe - I was more a Lady Jaye man, myself. At least she was in the show occasionally. Not that Cover Girl was a BAD choice, mind you, just not the one I woulda gone with.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Rule #34, raping your childhood while you’re still in it.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Mmmmmm, Batman.
Thanks, Swaim!
January 12th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Maaan. Jessica Rabbit is so very one of my girl crushes and i cant even explain how confusing that all gets when you actually stop to think about it.
I mean…the body, the hair, the eyes, that VOICE?
sheesh
January 12th, 2009 at 9:10 am
One of the best things about Cheetara from Thundercats was she was NAKED in the opening episode. After seeing that there was always a hope for another chance that her outfit would rip off because she was running so fast.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Swaimmy, Swaimmy, Swaimmy,
How could you forget Princess Ariel from THUNDARR THE BARBARIAN. She was royalty. She wore a flimsy cavewoman outfit much along the lines of Tarra from The Herculoids. She could work magic with her hands, and she had a serious rack to boot. I mean a serious rack. In fact, did I mention her rack… Sorry, to cut this short but I gotta go.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Don’t forget Dora The Explorer….
Ohhhh! No he did-n’t!
January 12th, 2009 at 8:53 am
“Too Confusing”
I’m scared to think what this could possibly mean in this pictures…
January 12th, 2009 at 8:49 am
You pretty much nailed everything except for the female-Bugs-Bunny-what’s-her-name-again.
January 12th, 2009 at 8:48 am
This article made me feel unclean
*goes to have cold shower*
January 12th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Reading this, I truly feel sorry for the young men that will grow up in the 00s. I mean, the 90s, there was a decline in amount of hot cartoon girls, but they were still there, though the only one I can point out off the top of my head is Jessie from Team Rocket. Now the only one I know even EXISTS is the same one I just named.
January 12th, 2009 at 8:40 am
First!
January 12th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Don’t forget about Bugs Bunny in drag. Va-va-va-VOOM!!!
January 12th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Too much censorship on these internets!