So in today’s episode, I count off CNN’s truly disturbing attempts to cast a teen version of Sex and the City with a bunch of jailbait celebrities.
Speaking of jailbait, today’s shoutout goes to two teenage girls who have absolutely nothing in common except for their alleged (and highly dubious) desire to marry me. If you read the comments (like I do while wearing a velvet robe and sitting in a chair of fine mahogany and leather) you might realize I’m talking about our own Nerdlette and Direwookie. But which to marry?
One lives in Canada (somewhere); the other lives in Texas.
One is a future Greenpeace activist; the other shoots guns and likes Sarah Palin’s style
One looks like Tina Fey’s punk rock niece; the other, the love child of Jamie Lee Curtis and Nicole Kidman.
I can’t decide. I have so many questions: Will their boyfriends mind? How about my wife? And just how illegal would it be for me to even exchange an erotic email with them? (Answer: very, very illegal).
Ultimately, I think this should be decided by cage match, but that’s my answer for everything.
This entry was posted on Monday, October 6th, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
The Trials of Gladstone (as told by Franz Kafka)
An Open Letter To American Express
Adam Lambert vs. Clay Aiken: The Gayest Feud of All-Time
A Practical Guide To Sexting (For Men Over 30)
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:34 am
I think that it is a very interesting and amusing article. Practically all its main points are true.
December 11th, 2008 at 6:33 am
No video again. I’m becoming disillusioned…
October 9th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
I love you, Gladstone. A freaky sensitive exploited child told me that we are meant to be together. I went to Gladstone Elementary school and Gladstone is my favorite British PM! Don’t that beat all?
October 9th, 2008 at 6:20 am
Haha that was great! Laugh out loud funny actually. I think Dakota Fanning is an excellent actress, especially in Taken, and if she did a sex and the city crappy movie it would be a big shame.
October 7th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Great HBN! I love the zinger, you really need to include that more often
October 7th, 2008 at 8:02 am
bear+rifle=dead bear
DONE
(this is the only type of math we can do in texas.)
October 7th, 2008 at 6:09 am
>and nerdlette’s CANADIAN.
>c’mon!
>she’s afraid of a cage match; she knows i’d flatten her in seconds.
I wouldn’t discount the fact that Nerdlette’s Canadian. Canada also has bears.
You do the math. I’m going to bed.
October 7th, 2008 at 5:40 am
You don’t need parental permission from what I was told. When I was in highschool (two years ago) They gave us out a booklet called “Am I Old Enough?” which deals with the laws that effect adolescents the most and we also had a whole information session on it. Obviously sex was a hot topic because we were all curious to know how illegal it was for us, turned out not at all. I’m under the impression that marriage is completely irrelevant when it comes to sex in Australia. (Link to the 2008 PDF of the book http://www.legalaid.vic.gov.au/upload/cl.am_i_old_enough.pdf)
A friend of my mine who recently graduated from the Police Academy was taught the same as what’s in that book when we discussed it a couple of months ago.
How long ago did they tell you that you needed parental permission? I’m really curious to know if they’ve changed this or if it’s just information that isn’t made very available anymore. Cause if so that’s really misleading.
October 7th, 2008 at 5:36 am
I’m actually glad I didn’t know about the law in Victoria that time I was in Melbourne.
That’d just be way too much pressure.
October 7th, 2008 at 4:47 am
Oh, and MJ -89, technically you need parental permission if you’re under 16 and not married. Also, it’s illegal to get married if you’re under 16 but if you got married somewhere where it was legal and then moved to Victoria then you can still legally have sex.
(They gave us a booklet about this stuff in highschool - it was a few years ago now, but I doubt it’s changed much)
October 7th, 2008 at 4:45 am
Pluck pluck pluck pluck pluck.
Brilliant. Best HBN ever? Possibly.
Also, Adam44, I really like the word “Swaimliness”. It should be used at every opportunity henceforth.
October 7th, 2008 at 1:23 am
@ Res_Ipsa
You think 14 is bad?
I guess in Victoria, Australia most people would say it’s 16 (unless the other person in a carer in which case it’s 18) however between the ages of 10 and 15 you can legally have sex with anybody so long as they’re not more than 2 years older than you.
October 6th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Why is this newsworthy? Ugh, CNN has serious problems. Next thing you know that “What the Buck” buy will be an anchor there.
That “ZINGER” was awesome.
October 6th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
HBN has steadily gotten better since you got back from the computer failure-indued hiatus. Nice.
Still not DOB-level, but approaching Swaimliness.
October 6th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
my vote goes to direwookiee
For one, nerdlette is all scene, and I hate scene chicks. 2: green peace=fucking crazy
Gun shooting is preaty bad ass.
Also direwookiee is … er… um .. cute? Can I say that? Not like a pedo or anything, she just looks more attractive.
October 6th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
you da man, gladstone
October 6th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
and nerdlette’s CANADIAN.
c’mon!
she’s afraid of a cage match; she knows i’d flatten her in seconds.
October 6th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
That has got to be the creepiest CNN segment ever. I never really understood the popularity of Sex and the City or the young actresses they mentioned. But aside from all that, this episode of HBN was very funny.
October 6th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
No campaigning Nerdlette. This can only be solved by cage match.
October 6th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Direwookiee likes Sarah Palin.
C’mon.
October 6th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
You mean he’s not already a cult leader? I was thinking that he’s well on his way . . .
October 6th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
You could fix the marrying underage girls thing and the multiple wives thing by starting your own cult.
Just think a compound in the middle of nowhere, flowing robes, a spiritual ban on underwear, 24/7 reverence and all the crazy lady / girl booty a charasmatic leader could ever need!
October 6th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
You should have wrapped it up by finding an excuse to talk in the sexy voice of last weeks HBN. Heck, if you can’t find an excuse, just doing it out of the blue would be good enough.
And TheGWD is right. I’ve studied phsychology, and I know that all straight men have brains like those cardboard tubes that they’re nice enough to pre-wrap in case you want to give one as a gift.
October 6th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
no, nerdlette
I am the winner.
the winner is I.
October 6th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
There are actually a bunch. http://www.avert.org/aofconsent.htm There you go, Gladstone. Now you should be able to cover your ass well enough. While tappin’ that ass.
October 6th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Nicely done, Gladstone…
October 6th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
I’m the raping man.
October 6th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
I’m the thinking man.
October 6th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Me, the winner is me.
Just so you know.
October 6th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
MJ- seeing as Emma watson lives in the UK, I’m just saying that when she turned 16 you could have flown over and done anything you wanted, nice and legally.
October 6th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
I think it’s Hawaii Res but I honestly don’t want to be right about that.
October 6th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
16 is legal age in a lot of the states. One of the states’ age of consent is actually 14. But I’m too lazy to look it up.
And in some parts of Casnadia, or so I hear, it’s 14. 14!! And don’t even ask about Japan.
October 6th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
brilliant! Remember its not Pedophelia if they dont find the kids body!
October 6th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Haruhi, I’m pretty sure that law like that effect people depending on the country they are presently in and not which country they are a citizen of.
That’s really an upside though, Gladstone can just fly over to one of the “cool countries” and no longer be a criminal! (Until the American police track him down again)
October 6th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Haha, magic age.
That sounds like it should be the title of an adult Harry Potter;
Dirty Harry Potter and The Magic Age of Consent.
October 6th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Also, interesting tidbit of info, as Emma Watson is a UK citizen, she’s been legal for 2 years now (16 is the magic age here)
October 6th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Pfft, why pick one girl, when you can stick both in a blender and shag whatever comes out.
October 6th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
My god! That guy has the worst Pedo-smile I’ve ever seen!
October 6th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Aaaah not to worry Gladstone! Personally, I like to embroider catchy phrases on my dog’s sweater while baking cookies. While wrestling bears. Multifunctional is the new metro.
October 6th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
But seriously, nice job Gladstone. This is my favorite HBN so far
October 6th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Shana does have a right to be insulted! Just look at her incredible… um … grammer!
October 6th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
BEST
HBN
EVER
October 6th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
I am so insulted that you wrote about jailbait cracked readers and I was not once mentioned!
October 6th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Well done. I love pedophilia! I mean…um…JOKES about pedophilia…
October 6th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
@lapinot
Why after this HBN? What about his special sexy episode last week?
October 6th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
p.s. Hire Molly McAleer, now formerly of Defamer.
October 6th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
I would very much like to pluck the smiley woman on the right but after this HbN I’m also willing to exchange erotic e-mails with Gladstone.
October 6th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Mrs. Nelson is soooo strict!1!! like major bitch freak!!
she saw my phone and was all like “hey, no phones!” and i was all like “puhleeeese” and she was just like “kay watever”.
so me and my bff Kelsi (her mom spells it Kelsey but she likes it better with an i) went to the bathroom so we could check our phones
October 6th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
2 and 3 were the best.
October 6th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
You should pluck them both.
October 6th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
There are so many things wrong with the CNN segment. So creepy…
HBN, however, just keeps getting better and better.
The T-shirt is sexy.
October 6th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Nerdlette and Direwookie can’t respond until they get out of school. They said they will try to comment from their iphones at recess but if Mrs. Nelson catches them then the have to stand by the wall for the rest of gymclass.
October 6th, 2008 at 11:50 am
That was pretty plucking funny. This was the best plucking HBN in a while.
October 6th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Amazing and disturbing. I think my laughter just got me fired. Kudos.
October 6th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Working on a car while wrestling a bear? That’s called multi-tasking, and that’s not very manly.
October 6th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Gladstone, you dirty prick, did you just steal a joke from MAD magazine? Go stick a fork in the wall-socket, the pain is no more then you deserve.
Big fan of HBN, btw. Keep up the good work.
October 6th, 2008 at 9:34 am
This was awesome
October 6th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Gladstone you fiend, I can’t stop laughing. That zinger alert was hilarious. The whole thing was hilarious.
Favorite line “Thats like a new form of cancer featureing leprosy.”
October 6th, 2008 at 7:48 am
CAGE MATCH!
October 6th, 2008 at 7:44 am
Best HBN so far, in my opinion.
I’d like to name my favourite parts but I’m fairly sure I’d just be copying and pasting the script.
Let’s make babies.
October 6th, 2008 at 7:39 am
Very creepy! Btw, which of those two girls are you going to pluck, Gladstone?