This past weekend, newspaper and huge narc The News of The World, released a photograph of eight-time gold medal winning Olympian, Michael Phelps, absolutely sucking the holy bejezus out of a bong. Seriously, he’s got half his face in there - almost an ear.
This naturally provoked a sea of tongue clucking and weakish jokes about lung capacity. However, there was one thing about this coverage that interested me: With the exception of a few lunatics, very few people seem outraged by what Phelps did (smoking dope) or gained (temporarily increased hands-awareness). Instead, most profess amazement at the stupidity he displayed, and how this would threaten his sponsorship deals - the implication being that the sponsorship money lost is a bigger issue than the drugs. Everyone seems to have taken it for granted that this is a gravely embarrassing scandal without explaining what specifically is embarrassing or scandalous about it. Weed’s a scandal, but no-one can quite remember why anymore - possibly because of too much weed.
“I’ll tell you what the real scandal is, man. You ever noticed how every time you smoke weed the government starts reading your thoughts?”
In fact, the weed part of this is so little of a scandal that it looks like, for the most part, Phelps has gotten away with it. None of his sponsors have said ‘boo’ about the incident. Maybe major corporations are a lot hipper than we’ve been giving them credit for?
“I didn’t ask if people liked him, I asked if he was cool.“
I think the most surprising thing about the whole story is the fact that someone was taking photos of someone else doing drugs and they managed to walk away without getting beaten into a stew. Stoners are too peaceful I guess. Remember that guy who took those photos of Mike Tyson shooting speedballs into his eyeballs? Of course not - he fucking disappeared in a cloud of blood and gristle before he could release his photos to the tabloids. I’ll go so far as to state that the very fact that we haven’t seen photos of Mike Tyson inserting horrific drug cocktails into his orifices is proof that he has been doing just that, and then murdering anyone nearby with a camera or photographic memory.
So, given the grave dangers involved and knowing the complete lack of moral character Cracked readers possess (you guys are absolutely feral sometimes), below I’ve compiled some helpful examples on how to safely capitalize the opportunity in similar situations. The next time you’re around a world class athlete engaging in behavior which could be described as unsavory if viewed in the unsexy light of day, just refer back to this list, which I encourage you to print out and keep on you at all times.
__
Terrell Owens swearing at a small child
The scenario:
While signing autographs, Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens takes offense to an imaginary slight by a small child. He tells the child to *^#@.
How to capitalize on this:
There is no way to capitalize on this. T.O. will in no way be embarrassed by this at all, and will hold a press conference on his own, during which he will call out the small child and point out their many flaws.
Roger Federer soliciting sexual services
The scenario:
You’re loitering in the prostitution district, hoping to sell some sexual services when you observe a competitor speaking with tennis star Roger Federer.
How to capitalize on this:
If you manage to get one, a photograph of this particular happening will fetch a high price. If you can capture an angle that reveals both Federer’s face and the existence of both sets of genitals on the other party, all the better.
Derek Jeter committing tax evasion
The scenario:
While working for a tech-support hotline, you get a call from Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter, who asks for help fixing his computer. Following your instructions, he allows you to remotely access his machine, whereupon you discover that he has not paid taxes in eight years.
How to capitalize on this:
Computer evidence is easy to forge, and not very convincing. Really, your only option here is blackmail. The trick to getting away with blackmail is to make no threat, or offer a bargain. Just reveal that you know, and observe that the proper thing to do is come forward. Let the offending party offer to pay you off. I made $23 off Tony Danza this way once when I saw him use the bathroom without washing his hands.
Maria Sharapova crapping on your lawn
The scenario:
You’re up late watching downloaded episodes of the Cosby Mysteries when you hear a sound outside. Thinking it’s the newspaper arriving, you open the front door and are surprised to find tennis beauty Maria Sharapova pinching one off in the middle of your lawn.
How to capitalize on this:
A photograph, again. It should be obvious by now that keeping a camera handy whenever you’re around famous people (or bathrooms) is a good rule of thumb to live by. One quirk about this particular case study is that while a tabloid will certainly be interested in a photograph of this nature, certain “alternative publications of dubious legality” (if you know what I’m saying) will probably pay much, much more.
Tiger Woods people smuggling
The scenario:
You’re taking your usual walk down by the Jersey docks one morning when you happen to see golfing superstar Tiger Woods standing beside a shipping container full of Ukrainian prostitutes, as a greasy man peels bills off a large wad and hands them to him.
How to capitalize on this:
Easy one: Run like hell. If they saw you, expect a tense cat and mouse game while the world’s most enigmatic multi-racial criminal mastermind stalks you, intent on silencing you with a single gloved hand. If you survive, you can call Crime Stoppers. I believe they offer a small reward for information leading to the conviction of Tiger Woods.
LeBron James enriching uranium
The scenario:
You visit your neighbor, Cleveland Cavaliers small forward LeBron James, to borrow a cordless drill. Noticing his garage door ajar, you enter to find him supervising the operation of a multistage gas centrifuge unit of his own design, the rich scent of uranium thick in the air.
How to capitalize on this:
Threaten to report him at the next meeting of the Homeowners Committee. Do it casually, like it’s something you don’t want to do, but given how strict the committee is about things like this, you really don’t have a choice, but maybe if he wouldn’t be such a goddamned crybaby about how your hedges block the sun during the early afternoon and maybe if he would also pick up his goddamned dogs goddamned shit off your goddamned lawn you could forget what you saw.
Peyton Manning filming snuff porn
The scenario:
While answering personal ads seeking “lonely souls who few knows exist, and none will miss” you meet Superbowl winning quarterback Peyton Manning, who wants to have sex with you on a bed with rather too many knives sitting nearby.
How to capitalize on this:
Manning had knee surgery during last year’s off season, and looked a little shaky for the first half of the season this year. Strike wildly at his knees until he collapses, then flee the room and pursue a book deal immediately.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009 at 8:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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July 10th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Strike wildly at his knees until he collapses, then flee the room and pursue a book deal immediately.
That line got me.
I spit my ramen onto my keyboard.
thank you.
February 26th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
I originally posted this on the most recent Daisy Owl comic about advertising stoners can agree with, but it goes as well here as there soooooo…. (Edited of course because I’m not exclusively cutting anyone down.) (Or AM I?)
” Just going to shoot down ______ for the sake of it being so blatantly wrong and amusing that he thinks Cannabis is harmful.
(I am a Pro-Cannabis Activist in the Columbus Ohio area. I know sh*t.)
First off, your right. About the carcinogens in cigarettes I mean. Weed doesn’t contain any.
If you’ll take a minute to look up the definition of carcinogen on Dictionary.com, you’ll realize that it’s, “carcinogen (kär-sĭn’ə-jən) Pronunciation Key
A substance or agent that can cause cells to become cancerous by altering their genetic structure so that they multiply continuously and become malignant. Asbestos, DDT, and tobacco smoke are examples of carcinogens. ”
Basically, anything that tends to cause cancer.
Now, tobacco causes cancer (Smoking cigarettes has been successfully linked to higher rates of lung cancer and, while unconfirmed, (though there is strong emerging evidence to say so) bone cancer in smokers of tobacco) due to the fact that tobacco is grown in phosphate fertilized soil and the hairs on tobacco leaves (The leaves of which are what cigarettes are made from, mind you.) concentrate Radium226 inside themselves, which persists after processing, breaking down into Polonium210 and Lead210, both of which emit highly localized alpha radiation—WHICH DOES CAUSE CANCER!
(I won’t go into this much further due to the size of my comment already, but know that when burned, cigarette smoke is just as harmful/deadly whether it’s directly inhaled by puffing directly or, as in second-hand smoke, inhaled from the air where it has been blown. (Theirs also such a thing as third-hand smoke where still active carcinogens land on surfaces for extended periods of time to be later stirred and entered into the body. (Think of a smoker’s couch or car (The smell I mean; it’s a lot more then unpleasent.).)
Now, where Cannabis is concerned:
1#: Cannabis contains ZERO carcinogens. (Not a single one.)
2#: The belief that Cannabis is more harmful then cigarettes comes from studies from 1970 where the Federal Government, in a case of now-called “reefer madness,” compared the tar content of marijuana leaves to that of tobacco leaves. (Hang on a second, this is where the bullsh*t comes from.) While it’s true that marijuana leaves contain twice the tar content of tobacco leaves, tar isn’t what causes cancer. Tar by definition is actually just particulate matter that the lungs have yet to expel. The kicker? Lungs can naturally expel tar with time. But things like Po210 and L210 can’t be. (Their classified as “insoluble” for obvious reasons.) Also, remember that Cannabis doesn’t contain ANY carcinogens. So it doesn’t matter if you have twice the tar content or even 500 times (Though I would think that in it’s self would be sufficient enough to kill.) as much! As long as their aren’t any carcinogens, it doesn’t matter. The real kicker? Marijuana smokers don’t smoke the leaf. They smoke the bud. “So what?” you ask? Marijuana buds contain only 33% the tar that tobacco leaves do, volume-for-volume. And NONE of the things that’ll kill you to boot!!
3#: It’s believed that the U.S.A. would generate /save on average 10-14 Billion dollars annually if ONLY marijuana were legalized. (Don’t even get me started on the practical applications for commercial Hemp.) (Hemp being another member of the Cannabis family, containing less then 1% THC Marijuana does, and many of the counteracting cannabinoids (Cannabinoids being any compound found in cannabis, F.Y.I.) that prevent the intoxicating effects of THC. A.K.A. You can’t smoke it. But what it is good for is everything from food to producing x4 the amount of oxygen per acre then larger trees do.)
4#: Because it contains none of the addictive chemicals (The name of which escapes me at the moment; work with me here!!) found in 99% of every other compound(s), smoking Marijuana IS NOT PHYSICALLY ADDICTIVE! Mentally? Possibly. But there are also people out there who are mentally addicted to online-gaming and shopping, so choke on that.
5#: Marijuana cannot be used to Overdose on. It would take roughly 100 or-so pounds of Pure THC to cause cardiac arrest. (Not only is it next to impossible to get your hands on that much pure THC, without E.R. stimulants, you’d pass out before you could administer it all.)
6#: NOT ONE CASE OF CANCER HAS EVER BEEN SUCESSFULLY ATRIBUTED TO CANNABIS!
I’ll stop here, because I think I’ve proven _____ to be full of sh*t already.
(For more information, visit Erowid(dot)org. If you want to get the latest news on all things Cannabis, visit NORML(dot)com. (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws.) ”
California is seriously considering the legalization and “-introduced comprehensive legislation to tax and regulate the commercial production and sale of cannabis in a manner similar to alcohol.”
(As of February 23rd, 2009), of which San Fransisco’s…. something-another’ is also on-board.
Legalization of cannabis (By which I don’t mean just decriminalization either) is estimated to be here in the next 1-to-3 years.
Huzzah!!
February 18th, 2009 at 6:00 am
HAHAHAHAHAHA ohhhh man. i go to U of SC where this bongsmokage went down. I heard the sellout got 250,000 gs for that picture. Anyhow, hilarious article I rarely comment but the increasingly ridiculous scenarios of the last 3 mentioned are fucking hysterical. lebron james enriching uranium oh man. nice work. made me LOL!
February 11th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Jim Morrison,
Anything can ruin your life if you get too obsessed with it, if you spend all your time finding your limited edition G.I. Joes on Ebay and dwindle your money away on them would that not be the same exact thing?
Oh and you CAN NOT be physically addicted to weed, so poor argument.
Also i love how you say “Go to church and pray, go get a job. Even so called dead end jobs are better than living off of wellfare. ” making the assumption that we don’t do any of this except for live on welfare, now you know what they say about assumin’ stuff dont ya? well Jim my boy, i would like to let you know i have two part time jobs and im currently in college, oh and still enjoy weed, so as for that, another poor quality argument. I must say, you have never done this or the one time you have you had a bad experience which i apologize for, just dont be so quick to judge everyone when you have no idea what your talking about.
So on 4/20 this year i was thinking everyone who smokes should all meet at DC and have a peaceful gathering of all the protesters in the US and have one hell of a protest. who knows maybe even phelps will show up…
February 11th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
I just graduated from the University of Michigan last May…so I’ve heard a lot of Michael Phelps stories while he was training in Ann Arbor, and apparently the guy is kind of a dick, so I never liked him or understood his fame…he was a huge drunk, and I’d be surprised if marijuana was the only drug hes into. I just remember stories of him being so shitfaced he’d wander/break-into peoples apartments like he owned the place…hes just an egotistical dick.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Um, @ Wolf and Jenn -
Both ways are acceptably correct, in terms of possession with proper nouns ending in S. So you’re both right grammatically, but also both wrong for being dicks.
And fuck it, I’d totally smoke with Michael Phelps.
February 9th, 2009 at 3:41 am
I’m feral in the bedroom. RAAAAAARRRR!
February 8th, 2009 at 10:11 am
“Wolf Says:
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Dink
an Asian, esp. a Vietnamese. Also used as a disparaging term for a North Vietnamese soldier or guerrilla in the Vietnam War. Origin: 1965–70, Americanism; cf. Australian slang dink Chinese person; perh. back formation from dinky, reinforced by rhyme with Chink -Wikipedia
So Phelps’ friends are Vietnamese? I don’t get it.”
Next time you see a white fella who’s had a few joints, have a look at his eyes.
February 8th, 2009 at 12:54 am
His sponsors did say boo. Kelloggs dropped him. He’s also been suspended from USA Swimming.
N0vA, you didn’t say the ad said ‘winners don’t do drugs’, you said the ad said ‘there aren’t many jobs for potheads.’ Put down the bong and focus.
And if you think Olympic gold medalists are “winners”, you need to check out what Bruce Jenner is doing these days. Mary Lou Retton too for that matter.
February 7th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Jim Morrison, are you asking the good men and women of Cracked.com to come to your church while high?
Because that would be perhaps the worst idea you’ve ever had.
February 7th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
To Jim Morrison, below:
Your religion is gay. Drugs kick ass.
February 6th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
If iam famous I will never let anyone take me a picture while iam drunk, I can’t believe that a picture will destroy hes career, WOW
February 6th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
An above the influence ad found in many comic books:
“hey not trying to be your mom, but there aren’t many jobs out there for potheads”
How does it feel Above The Influence?? How does it feel to know that WINNERS DO DRUGS?
And Jim Morrison(the self-righteous prick commenter not the stoned-as-fuck musician) won’t feel pity when you potheads do your thing, so I guess yo should be really heartbroken now.
February 5th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Tony Danza called…he wants his $23 back.
February 5th, 2009 at 7:02 am
@ Jim Morrison – fuck off you sanctimonious prick!
February 5th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Kid trips out after trip to dentist: the REMIX! hilarious!!! I’ll have what he’s having…
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=5690823d30d15269a980&page=1&viewtype=&category=rf
February 4th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Shit… that is a proper noun… haha
Oh well… who cares anyway, fuck Phelps, what a fucking loser.
Maybe one could respect him if he came out and said, “So what. Fuck you all.”
Retarded ass looking fuckwad. He looks like a damn re re. I didn’t give a fuck about his medals, didn’t give a fuck about the Olympics, and I don’t give a fuck if he dies of a cocaine overdose.
YAWN
February 4th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
I know a lot of people who are pissed off at Michael Vick’s boys since none of them took the fall for him for cash. I would probably be willing to say that I was a puppy killer and serve time for 5 million if I had the choice.
February 4th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
i wonder if someone sold the photo to that British tabloid…
February 4th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Look people. Dope destroys lifes just like alcohol. Please, stop trying to justify your failure of a fucked up life and go to rehab. Seriously. Go to church and pray, go get a job. Even so called dead end jobs are better than living off of wellfare. So, Phelps did this and Jimmy Hendrix did that. Look, it’s not the first famous person to use drugs. So, but eventually, if you continue using dope and you are unable to go through life without being alienated and addicted to a drug (be it tobacco, alcohol or pot), then, you have failed, you are not able to be yourself without the use of drugs, of something else. And you will crash so hard, I wont be feeling sorry for you. Drugs are the great equalizer, they help destroy the lives of those who don’t have a strong enough psyche to make it on their own. But the least I can do is warn you, poor little idiots.
February 4th, 2009 at 10:13 am
I agree with Matt below. No one cares about the weed because, really, who gives a fuck about people smoking weed anymore? oh, though there is one sheriff in the county that he smoked in that is trying to ascertain whether or not he “inhaled” and if he did he is going to press criminal charges. I smell a douche bag who sees a career maker.
February 4th, 2009 at 3:46 am
Michael Phelps is Superman on weed.
February 4th, 2009 at 2:08 am
It’s funny that everyone forgets about his previous DUI as soon as he’s seen taking a bong hit.
Also, why is this article/post called “Michael Phelps’s friends are dinks” when there’s practically nothing about his supposed friends.
February 4th, 2009 at 1:39 am
Maybe nobody cares about the weed because it’s just fuckin weed. It’s only illegal because the CIA makes a boat load of money smuggling it into the country.
February 4th, 2009 at 1:06 am
Phelps’ apology.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=69YcOuH9Zs4
Funny. As. Shit.
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:56 pm
See NOW I know his name.
Swimmer? Who?
Smoker who is helping to show the true face of pot, OH THAT GUY! Yeah, he’s great!!
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:17 pm
Christian Bale goes spacko on the set of Terminator Salvation: The Dance Remix!
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=295cdfb709c91ac898e7
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:01 pm
There is a reason why Phelps didn’t realize the implications of this photo. This was obviously at least his 3rd bong hit.
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:25 pm
echocharlie, it took me an embarrassingly long amount of time to catch the sarcasm in your post. i was actually contemplating whether or not i should make a post solely commenting on your idiocy.. but then it hit me.
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:09 pm
If Phelps keeps smoking weed he will never make anything of himself…
February 3rd, 2009 at 7:49 pm
hey man, if michael phelps can smoke weed and STILL be an amazing athlete, doesn’t that just mean hes like even BETTER of a swimmer than we thought? like its hard enough to swim like a fish when your lungs are healthy, but when they have tar and shit in them? damn! he should be applauded MORE now! not criticized for doing something that most people have at least tried.
February 3rd, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Failing Dong torture pool?
February 3rd, 2009 at 7:36 pm
The guy’s famous for winning an awful competition hosted by a bunch of human rights nightmares. I dunno, smoking pot seems like less of a scandal than swimming in the Falun Gong Torture Pool, y’know?
February 3rd, 2009 at 7:24 pm
The picture of the marketing executives made me laugh.
February 3rd, 2009 at 7:18 pm
first!!!!!!!!!!!11111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111
February 3rd, 2009 at 6:50 pm
So basically what I’m saying is that I’ve never, ever heard an argument for the criminalization of weed that ever stood up to any scrutiny. They’ve all been based off of misinformation, misconceptions, ignorance, or agenda.
—–
I believe the main argument made in congress to criminalize marijuana in the first place was the effect it had on the degenerate races (non-whites). Also, that it would lead to interracial relations, mean white chicks would get stoned and have sex with black dudes.
February 3rd, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Thank you Phelps. My parents attempts at trying to get me off drugs have completely and utterly failed. Now I know I can be successful. Bill Gates inspired me to leave community college and now you have inspired me to continue smoking dope.
February 3rd, 2009 at 4:36 pm
After this Superbowl, I’m wondering Kurt Warner’s going to be secretly following Roethlisberger with a camera hoping to catch him slip a few roofies to some Miami of Ohio college girls. Or guys.
February 3rd, 2009 at 4:21 pm
So THAT’S why he ate so much for breakfast.
baZING
February 3rd, 2009 at 4:05 pm
The first thing I thought when I heard what he did is “See, smoking weed does NOT mean you will forever sit in your parents basement eating Dorito’s”. He is MORE inspirational now than ever.
February 3rd, 2009 at 3:10 pm
BONG HITS 4 AMERICA!
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Hey Wolf, dink is also slang for dick. DIAF
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:57 pm
What I found interesting is that the Washington Post article reporting on this took the time to critique the British tabloid’s general sensationalist approach to reporting,then went ahead and reported the story of Phelps banging the bong with the same photo.
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Actually for proper nouns ending in “s,” the correct way to add a possessive is to put ’s, such as Phelps’s. So Wolf, you should eat a dick for being such an idiot.
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:47 pm
At least he was smarter than that Canadian snowboarder and waited until after he got his medals to toke up.
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:47 pm
The tiger woods part almost made me fall out of my chair.
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:26 pm
I think, if anything this should be a step towards legalizing pot. Phelps should just go on the news and be like “That’s right i fucking burn all the time and I still kicked the world’s ass at the Olympics!” This just proves that pot is not bad, and it shouldn’t even be called a drug. Imagine the tax’s our country would get if everyone was allowed to smoke it. The unemployment rate would decrease because less people woule fail drug tests, and Obama would be the shit.
As for Wolf, who the fuck cares about grammar. If that’s all you got out of this, then you need to sit back, crack open a beer, maybe hit the bong, and think to yourself “maybe I should stop being a douche”
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Maria Sharapova can crap on my lawn any day of the week.
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Wolf, are you advising a guy who doesn’t care about grammar to kill himself?
To be honest I think he’s the one with less of a problem.
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Anyways, Bucholz, this article was fuckin’ funny. Keep doing your thing, man.
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:50 pm
OMGosh I wish they would leave the poor guy alone! A little pot never hurt anyone now did it? Phelps is now the poster child for pot heads all over the world!
RT
http://www.real-privacy.us.tc
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I didn’t know who Michael Phelps was or what he was famous for up until this shit happened. Now that I know, he has my total support. Who fuckin’ cares if he gets high on his time off, What matters are the results he’s producing. But since the Powers-That-Be decided that the “goyem” needed another distraction this week instead of paying close attention to Obama and his pro-war policies, now we gotta clog up the news with that fuckin’ photograph and endless filler about what to do with such a disgraceful individual such as Michael Phelps.
Shouldn’t they be parading around some well-connected senator that was caught sodomizing a teenager or something? Or showing coverage of the results from all the Hamas bombing raids in Palestine supported by the U.S.?
But Nah, Michael Phelps toked up so now that takes precedence over all other matters during this dark period in America.
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Dink
an Asian, esp. a Vietnamese. Also used as a disparaging term for a North Vietnamese soldier or guerrilla in the Vietnam War. Origin: 1965–70, Americanism; cf. Australian slang dink Chinese person; perh. back formation from dinky, reinforced by rhyme with Chink -Wikipedia
So Phelps’ friends are Vietnamese? I don’t get it.
And it’s Phelps’ not Phelps’s… aren’t you a writer? You should kill yourself.
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
I actually wanted to help people
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
I rode the bat at canada`s wonderland on acid and I felt like such a winner. It was great…though for some reason the ghoster coaster was more fun, I can`t expain that.
The universe itself split when We were dropped at the peak and I felt like I was being tested by the cosmos themselves and when I got off the ride at the end of it all, I felt anew, righteous and as if I`d earned my place in the great celestial balance and now my duty was to be the guardian angel to all those I love. Every ride became some quest and my soul from within the hallowed rails of the coaster lifted to ever higher heights setting my name in stone amongst a elite few whom understand fully what the term “Hero” means. I lifted to heights not known by mortal men and I became immortal. Gazed upon the tiny ants of god`s creation from up high and knew what I was to do…
see? Drugs are bad
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:20 pm
i thought this blog was great. I laughed my ass off at the entire Derek Jeter part. Good shit.
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Who cares? Well enough people to make a freaking world report out of it. I think it would be great if Phelps stared in a shot-by-shot remake of Reefer Madness to make up for the ills he plagued our once great society. America used to be the shinning beacon in this world covered with the thick smoke of everyone else’s illicit drug use. Now, it seems that America’s beacon is just another Graffix bong in this messed up grateful dead show (without Gerry Garcia) we call Earth.
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Dooood maaan, yyyeaaaaahhh, the vast synthetic and non-hemp rope conspiracy has been holding us back for years…
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:00 pm
In response to “Legalize It”:
I’m not arguing that there isn’t some danger to smoking cannabis, as scientific study has proven that there is potentially both direct and indirect harmful effects. But to use the “danger” of weed as a reason for its illegality is just ridiculous. Taking into account any of its dangers, it is a significant less dangerous and more benign drug than many legal over-the-counter drugs, most prescription drugs, and, most importantly, alcohol. The question of dosages barely even enters into it, as the amount of THC necessary for a fatal dose is so high that there’s no possible way to reach it even with the most potent bud out there.
So basically what I’m saying is that I’ve never, ever heard an argument for the criminalization of weed that ever stood up to any scrutiny. They’ve all been based off of misinformation, misconceptions, ignorance, or agenda.
As for Michael Phelps, yes, he broke a law. He broke an unjust law, but given his position he broke it stupidly. I mean, how hard is it to not get caught smoking weed? It’s easy. Why the hell did he let himself get photographed?
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:59 pm
It was funny. It wasn’t the best you’ve written but it was funny.
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Didn’t he already get a DUI a couple years ago? You would think he would be a little more discreet about his substance use after that.
Tiger Woods is such a threat to America that he should be on Colbert’s list.
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
You might have missed out the minor side-effects of psychosis and brain damage if used in the long term.
Phelps saying “Come on I’m 23,” should have been followed up by him yelling at his parents, packing up his guitar and the only 3 t-shirts he owns and heading off to the coast “just to swim around for a while, find myself, get away from your goddamn fascist rules!”
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:50 pm
“If you look at the spoils from the War On Drugs you’ll find plenty of rational arguments as to why it’s illegal.”
Okay, fair enough. Let me change my point then: Specifically taking into consideration what’s best for the people, their happiness, and society, then there’s no rational reason to keep weed (and really any other drug) illegal, and all sorts of reasons to make them legal and regulated.
The reasons for keeping it illegal include but are not limited to keeping the hemp industry down, which is advantageous to a number of other industries but a detriment to literally everybody else (and arguably the reason cannabis was made illegal in the first place), allowing the police to seize property during drug convictions, which is to the advantage of the police and the state, but unconstitutional and to the detriment of the people, giving the police and other law enforcement agencies the ability to detain, harass, or brutalize people in the name of enforcing drug laws, which the police love but is hugely detrimental to everybody else, especially the poor and minorities, or allow politicians in power to target specific groups of people who often form their political opposition, which is exactly what Richard Nixon did, and is an example of a horrible abuse of power.
So, sure, assuming you know all the facts about weed, there’s lots of reasons to keep it illegal if you’re greedy, callous, sociopathic, maliciously opportunistic, unsympathetic, or just an all around horrible person.
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:48 pm
btw.. i wrote that when i was high.
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:47 pm
BrK, I’m all for legalization, but part of what you said just isn’t true. While the United States Government has ignored multiple conclusive studies about weed, they ignored tests that argued for its continuation as a Schedule I drug just as often as tests that opposed it. The tricky thing about weed is the extreme range of THC that can be found on just one leaf of a cannabis plant. It can range from 6% around the stem to 22% concentration near the tip. This, along with other factors, is what has led to the misuse of scientific studies. I’m not denying that the government has been biased, or saying that cannabis should remain illegal, but your argument is basically just saying, “nuh-uh” to everything the opposition argues. They have a base for their beliefs, and what they have proven cannot be completely ignored; we just have to prove that the rare circumstances they provide for the misuse and abuse of weed DOES NOT outweigh the positive influences it can carry.
You said that, “Michael Phelps didn’t do anything wrong”, but Michael Phelps broke the law. That IS wrong, in and of itself. In my opinion, no matter how off base a law may be, it cannot be simply ignored, especially by someone who’s in the spotlight as often as he is. If Michael Phelps wants to advocate for legalization, then power to him, because as you said, there aren’t very many legitimate reasons for the criminalization of weed. But disagreeing with a law doesn’t mean you can ignore it completely and expect to get away with no consequences. People under the influence of marijuana have been deemed hazardous to others around them, and unfortunately a large portion of the population believes that. Either way, Phelps made a mistake that he should not have made. He went to a party where he knew no one, and went crazy. He smoked, he drank, and he did whatever the hell he wanted to do. This type of behavior is what constitutes the majority of the bias held against the average “stoner”. If we hope for the legalization of weed to be taken seriously, as I’m sure most of us here on Cracked do, we have to improve that. Unless we do, we’ll have to come up with some pretty damn irrefutable evidence to prove our point.
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:42 pm
The important thing about the phelps picture is that there’s a bud light on the desk. I don’t know if I’m glad ridiculously rich athletes still drink normal beer, or if I feel bad for him because it’s not even a Bud heavy.
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:38 pm
The funniest part is that Hasselbeck has been so high on the fumes of her own self righteousness it took her almost three months to notice she was knocked up. In other words: shut the fuck up, bitch.
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:35 pm
“There’s no rational argument as to why it should be kept illegal”
You’re assuming that it’s illegal because it’s potentially harmful, which isn’t the case.
If you look at the spoils from the War On Drugs you’ll find plenty of rational arguments as to why it’s illegal.
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Well it turns out that according the numerous scientific studies, smoking weed is harmless, safe, and fun, despite anything the United States government says. (The US Government has explicitly ignored or thrown out the results of most scientific studies regarding the effects of cannabis on humans.) There’s no rational argument as to why it should be kept illegal, and tons of intelligent, rational arguments as to why it should be legalized and regulated. Michael Phelps didn’t do anything wrong smoking weed, and in fact probably deserves a good victory puff more than anyone else on the planet. I’d be more concerned about his DUI, because that actually endangers himself and others.
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:18 pm
What does uranium smell like? I bet it’s that new car smell . . . hmmmm
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Edit. The last line of paragraph 8 should read: “…or if his coach is Snoop Dog.”
(As if anyone will read that far, anyway.)
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:07 pm
So sue me.
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:04 pm
8 gold medals. Stick that in your pipe & smoke it.
Phelps responsibly enjoyed the same victimless activity as millions of other people his age. I would say that it is no different than if he were drinking alcohol, except of course that cannabis is more benign than alcohol. After all, he wasn’t arrested for fighting at a bar, or for driving while intoxicated (at least not this time,) or passing out on an airplane. He is an adult who smoked cannabis with other adults.
Big deal.
If Phelps has lost any credibility as a positive role model over this, then I don’t know what a positive role model is.
Also, I suggest that cannabis is actually a performance enhancing substance, though likely not for reasons with which the Olympic committee would agree. I have no reason to believe that Phelps ever touched cannabis during the course of his training or competition, and I cannot speak for his experience with it. In my own experience, cannabis is a great motivator because it inspires strong feelings of intrinsic passion for simple procedure.
I love working out at the gym when I am high. I have heard others express the same sentiment. Most people would probably scoff at the notion, simply because they are gym goers who have never been high, or they are just potheads who have never gone to the gym.
I believe those naturally lacking in motivation may have a predisposition towards cannabis for the very reason that it affects some passion within them. Those people may waste this on worthless endeavors, but with cannabis I have felt significant motivation and passion of which I have been otherwise sorrowfully devoid in my life. Whatever I am doing, I am strongly motivated to continue or to cease whatever it is I am doing at the time. Even after the effect of cannabis has slipped quietly into the night, this new found passion is all that remains. Not a bad substitute for an alcoholic hang-over.
To engage in an action requires motivation, however, to stop doing something also requires motivation. The idea that cannabis causes one to lose motivation is total hogwash. Either way, it’s no one’s business but Phelps’, whether he just smoked it once, was just hamming it up for the camera, or if his coach is
Incidentally, an Olympic gold medal winning Canadian snowboarder was disqualified after THC was found in his system. He challenged the ruling and it was reversed because cannabis was deemed to not be a performance enhancing drug.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Rebagliati
Ross Rebagliati currently runs his own snowboarding school called the Rebagliati Alpine Snowboard Training Academy.
R.A.S.T.A for short.
As for the gateway drug argument, I do not buy it either. However, when I get into discussions with people about legalization, and the argument is made: “Marijuana is a gateway drug. If a kid tries marijuana, he’ll start shooting smack!”
I respond: “Cannabis is a gateway drug solely due to prohibition.”
As an illegal ‘drug,’ cannabis is grouped in with narcotics such as heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, crystal meth, et cetera.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Schedule_I_drugs
When a teenager, who has been told “drugs are bad, mkay?” all her life, inevitably tries cannabis for the first time, she realizes she’s have been lied to about what turned out to be, at worst, an innocuous substance that is not going to destroy her life after all. It is logical for her to assume that she has been lied to about the dangers of the other illegal behaviours, or substances in that group, as well. In many ways, she is correct in this assumption.
In this respect, one could certainly argue that cannabis is a gateway substance. The gateway is opened by prohibition.
How unproductive for society is a man who is free to smoke cannabis whenever he wants? How unproductive for society is he behind bars, with his personal property seized and auctioned, and with his finances leeched through fines?
Prohibition and punishment do not stop demand. But legalization could very well reduce the use of cannabis, or other substances and behaviours, particularly with respect to youth.
Under prohibition proprietors face the same penalty no matter who, or how old, the consumer is. More often than not with an illegal substance, the consumer will be young as they have little to lose if caught with contraband, unlike an adult with more material possession and social status. (Even though he enjoys cannabis, he either does not use, or very carefully hides his usage, out of well founded fear and unfounded shame.)
In a regulated market official vendors are allowed to sell to legal members of society, but will be penalized for selling to non-legal, as is the case with both tobacco and alcohol. The regulated legality of these substances has resulted in great gov’t control. Through rigidly enforced laws combined with information, (some accurate, some not,) tobacco and alcohol use among underage youth has been controlled and in many places drastically reduced from the time when they were celebrated in advertising and other media.
If a witch hunt were engaged upon professional sports of the use of cannabis, the light shed on the reality that so many of these successful sport elite are enjoying cannabis and thriving, would do more harm to the benefactors of prohibition than would it serve their dubious purpose.
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:50 am
How do we know he was smoking pot? Maybe the bong was filled with HARMLESS TOBACCO.
Actually, I would totally smoke dope with Michael Phelps.
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
Up yours Phelps. Up fucking yours. You know what I do when I’m not not smoking? I watch Robot Chicken and sing along to the bock-bock-bock at the end, I think about doing laundry and then decide that it’s not in my best interest. I cook all six packs of mac and cheese that come in the box. What do you do? You win fifteen thousand fucking gold medals.
I used to think, if Phelps would ever return any of my phone calls, and the conversation turned to recreational drug use, that it would go something like: me: you ever seen the Olympics? And Phelps would be all like: yeah. And then I would be all like: you ever seen the Olympics, on weed, man? And Phelps would say no and I would call him a square and laugh. Now, in this post Phelps hitting a bong fantasy of mine he would again say ‘yeah’.
I NOW HAVE NOTHING! NOTHING!!!!
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:27 am
Mr. Phelps should switch to a safer and legal recreational pursuit, like flamethrowers
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:26 am
I wouldn’t call the NOTW a newspaper. More like ‘a filthy rag for barely-literate moral-panickers.’ They could scoop a photo of the Queen taking paracetamol and claim she was a drug fiend. In short, fuck the News of the World!
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:22 am
Tony Danza is going to be pissed when he realizes he paid you $23 for nothing.
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:20 am
Wow, you mean Michael Phelps is… *gasp* Human?? I like him more because of this incident. He’s not just just some swimming robot… he’s a kid who is trying to have new experiences outside of an olympic pool. You go Michael!
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:18 am
@Toolfan,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ross_Rebagliati
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:13 am
I am HORRIFIED that a guy who’s won 13 gold medals will smoke weed. If winning is all it’s said to be, shouldn’t he be too busy squealing with joy to get high?
Winners suck!
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:03 am
I saw on a different thread about how he should be stripped of his medals the same as bonds or macguire shouldnt be in the baseball HOF for their substance use. I feel this is irrelevant, steroids aided the baseball statistics, weed has nothing to do with improving swimming, if anything it hinders it. Thoughts?
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:56 am
# Billy goat Says:
Breaking News! The phrase “winners don’t do drugs” failed empirical testing!
I am laughing so hard right now. . .
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:42 am
just wondering if people would have the same reaction if he had his face stuffed into a bottle of bourbon rather than a bong…
sweet bourbon…brownest of the brown liquors…what`s that, you want me to drink you? But i`m in the middle of…
Excuse me, i`ll be right back
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:41 am
PHELPS IS AN ASSHOLE
You know why? Cuz of how ridiculously restrained he is. What a namby-pamby goody two-shoes dickhole he is. If I was an 8 time gold-medal winning Olympian, I’d be the biggest jackass on the planet about it.
Anyone gave me shit about tokin up, I’d punch their mothers in the uterus. I’d kick down the doors to preschool classrooms across America and scream violently at toddlers about how they’ll never be as good as me. I’d be like the Mike Tyson of swimming.
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:39 am
Actually, Phelps has 13 (13!) gold medals if you count the previous Olympics. Fucking stoner.
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:38 am
Breaking News! The phrase “winners don’t do drugs” failed empirical testing!
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:35 am
I have pictures proving that Micheal Phelps is a dolphin.
For any tabloids reading this, contact me @the internet, and we can hammer out a deal…
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:14 am
See kids, smoking pot DESTROYS YOUR LIFE. Just imagine, if Phelps had never touched the demon weed he could have 80 Gold Olympic Medals by the age of 23, instead of the pitifully low 8 he has now.
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:07 am
Clearly this individual was never tried ANYTHING EVER:
“Phelps is an asshole Says:
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:48 am
Well, Phelps should not have smoked pot. First we have a role model like Barack Obama, who was able to quit drugs and become president, and tells us to get a sense of excellence, and then we have this retarded Michael Phelps who may or may not become the Britney Spears of the olympic world.”
C’mon, dude, quit drugs? It’s like saying you beat alcoholism because you sipped a beer once and didn’t like the taste, or defeated the hideous spector of cigarette addiction because you sat next to a smoker on the bus and can’t stand the smell. Not every experience with altered states sends you into a downward spiral into addiction and agony, dude.
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:06 am
I liked that Phelps’ semi-apology included the phrase “I’m 23 years old”….hopefully he then paused, allowing the unspoken “Get off my damn back” to linger for a moment.
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:52 am
*~COUGHS~* dude when like your swimming or running and your high, you like glide through the water.*~cough~* And there was that canadian snowboarder who lost his medal for pot smoking, which was tottally harsh because he like snowboards, you know*~cough~* what were we talkin about
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:50 am
What I find very interesting in a bad way is the comments of NOTW’s “Source” about Phelphs “holding court”, “having girls all over him”, “toasting everybody immediately”, presumably rather than being an awkward sociophobe like said “Source” etc.
I guess its a lesson for famous and successful people to never do anything even remotely objectionable in the presence of anybody else than tested and reliable friends, because you never know whose bitter absence of sex life and peer respect you’re going to bump into. Its sad, really.
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:48 am
Well, Phelps should not have smoked pot. First we have a role model like Barack Obama, who was able to quit drugs and become president, and tells us to get a sense of excellence, and then we have this retarded Michael Phelps who may or may not become the Britney Spears of the olympic world.
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:30 am
I think it’s hilarious how The News of the World keeps instructing you to ‘click here’ for a larger version of this photo.’ Seriously, they do it like three times. Maybe to cover up the completely tabloid-worthy ‘quotes’ that accompanied it? I don’t know.
“He was the gold medal winner of bong hits.”
See, this is why my insides are a seething, boiling cauldron of hate.
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:22 am
I’m surprised that anyone still cares about pot. Aren’t all high schoolers handed their first joint by the principal on day one if they havent ever toked up already?
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:08 am
Oh NO!!! not….marijuana!!! Next thing he’ll be giving hand job in the pool for crack money. Not you Michael…..not you….(sob)…
Seriously, who gives a rats ass??? He’s a young American legend…..let him have some fun.
February 3rd, 2009 at 8:30 am
If I was Phelps, I would get some new friends. You have to be a complete Ass-hat to sell pictures of that. Anyway, who cares what Phelps does?? The guys a friggin legend.
February 3rd, 2009 at 8:16 am
Another useful how-to post. Thanks, Bucholz!
(”Dinks”?)