Mexico Just Got A Whole Lot Awesomer (There's Emo Blood Involved)
Some would call my suddenly blogging about Emo kids a transparent attempt to plug the newest Those Aren't Muskets! sketch. Those people would do well to chill the fuck out and enjoy some embedded video. I'll meet you on the other side with some exciting news about Mexico.
Well, here we are on the other side. Hopefully you're not all laughed out, because I have some tragically hilarious news to share with you. Specifically, that Mexicans have once again done the dirty work we couldnt do ourselves by beating the living crap out of a bunch of eye shadow-wearing, spiked hair-having, My Chemical Romance-listening Emo kids.
You read that correctly (unless you didn't); there are currently riots raging in Mexico during which people rove the streets, muttering to one another about these goddamned kids with their striped shirts and black nail polish (in Spanish mind you), looking for gaggles of hipsters sitting on a parking lot divider to hit with a two by four.
They follow the sounds of Dashboard Confessional like a homing beacon, and then release their collective fury on behalf of all of us who have ever heard a Death Cab for Cutie album and thought Jesus, does this asshole seriously want me to feel sorry for him because he feels bad about cheating on his girlfriend? Id like to punch him in the mouth.
Things have gotten so bad for the Emos that police have had to come in and protect them, a civic duty somewhat akin to guarding a child molester while he moves from one cell block to another.
Thousands of presumably weeping Emos have started gathering in protest, foolishly making it all the easier for beefy Mexicans to round them up and smack the white lipstick off of their pimply faces. Put that in your livejournal, bitches.
Fights have even broken out between the various subsets of self-involved Mexican teens. Marauding bands of Rockabilly kids clash with the Metalheads and Emos like its all some ridiculous re-enactment of The Warriors.
Which, if it is, they should have better group names, like the dEMOlitionists or RockaKILLy. Rockabilly just doesnt have the panache of The Orphans. Speaking of which, something I always wondered about that movie: if theyre penniless orphans, how did they all afford to get matching sets of rags made that say The Orphans on the back?
But I digress. Hey, take a look at this Mexican anti-Emo hate site!
Most of it is just bleeps and blips to me (I only read the Queens English), but I notice something about Emo being gay there on the right, and the linking article tells me they call themselves an Anti-Emo Death Squad.
You know, Im beginning to think this could be just the kind of important cause Mexico can finally gather behind. I predict well be hearing a lot more from these brave citizens.
Id watch out if I were you, Scenesters (Jesus, just look at them. I can hardly stand it).
I know you say you hate Emo kids too, but somehow I doubt Construction Worker Pedros going to appreciate the finer nuances of whiny junior high fashion trends.
One day youll be jiving squares at the mall, rabidly discussing how superior you are to that bitch Kimberly and her imitation checkered converse, and BAM! Right to the back of your black bouffant hairdo.
And you know what you nave, cruel little shits? Ill be at the Orange Julius next door in a plain white t-shirt, slippers and Pink Floyd pajama bottoms, and Ill laugh until frothy cream shoots out my nose.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael plugs the hell out of Those Aren't Muskets!
I probably have those same Pink Floyd pajama pants Swaim does, and I wear them every damn day. Not in public tho, cuz they're men's pants, and i'm a 105 pound girl, so they're big on me. They just don't seem to make cool pajama pants for chicks.
Replygente murió saben...
ReplyThis is such a feel-good story. Our younger generation (hereby dubbed "Generation Dumbass") is killing themselves over stupid s**t no-one cares about.
ReplyAt least in my day, Mods and Rockers had a actual, real reason to hate each-other... wait... ¬_¬
Fuck that, I'm moving to Mexico. Everything is too god-damn politically correct these days. I feel like beating up some fags. They're asking for it any-ways, "Oh my life's so shit, I hate my private school and suburban house..." ^^
ReplyHappy fun rape time!
Replyya know, it just doesn't sound right when adults talk about emos and scene kids, especially when they try to get their view
Replyemo girls are the hottest imo but any girl on webcam is just sexy
ReplyOh, and Kim, you sound like an Emo sympathizer to me. I think you'd better keep an eye on her, Cracked. She's going the right way for a good ol' fashioned loyalty review. In fact, I say we blacklist her right now, that kind of talk could be considered an act of Emo subversion.
ReplyI always just figured The Orphans' poverty was the reason that they only had green t-shirts while other non-orphan gangs like the Hi-Hats were able to get their parents to buy them hugely ornate mime outfits.
ReplyOn a lighter note, how many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
The answer is it doesn't matter because they are all cut up in barrels in my basement.
This is utterly insane. I'm not an emo, and yeah, fine, they're a little weird. I personally don't like the trend but people are insane if they think that's an excuse to beat them up. Jesus Christ, they're not hurting anyone! I know it's apparently got links to anti-homosexuality, but that's no damn excuse either. What the hell is wrong with this world that people would gather en mass to beat up teenagers because of what clothes they were and what music they listen to?
ReplyThis is disgusting.
maybe they should stop crying and get mad. just up and kill the s**t out of people like I do. something bothering you? confront the problem and shoot it in the nuts and laugh over its writhing form. then kick it's face in.
Uh, what? Death Cab, emo? I know it's a stupid name and all (which is on par with emo bands) but the music is much more Decemberists than Dashboard. In fact it's not Dashboard at all? It's mostly Decemberists. Only kind of harder, at points. Transatlanticism is brilliant.
ReplyThe point is, put aside the stupid emo-esque name and look up "Passenger Seat" on youtube or something. They're not emo.
personally, i think "emo" has gone way out of control since beatings are occurring and i generally don't like "emos" but i'm siding with them. i see it more as a phase, like in a couple years "emos" are going to grow up and be like "hey, remember how i used to dress and do my hair?" because who wants to see a forty year old guy with fringe down to his nose?
ReplyI have to say that these beatings are wrong, i mean, yeah "emos" are weird, but who isn't? there are tons of "emos" in my school and they don't come off as unhappy as you'd expect, some are content with their lives. not all of them are gay too, they are probably just experimenting because of how young they are. but i do think that their whole scene comes off pretty gay because its gotten to the point where i'm at the mall and am like "what a cute boy. wait! that's not a boy! it's a girl!" :(
"emos" do sometimes have a disturbing air about them that makes me dislike them sometimes. they seem too caught up in their culture and sometimes come off like they know who's cool and who's not, and i think that is what a lot of other people think. it's just a bunch of teens fighting for what's cool, basically. before the rampage was with he gangsters, but no one messed with them because they came from the streets. with the "emos", who stem from the music, they are easier to pick on so those metalheads target them.
in the end, "emos" are kids trying to prove that they're unique. they dress like that to be different, but don't realize that nearly every teen is thinking the same thing. as for the rockabillies or whatever, they should leave them alone because they're coming off as complete assholes who don't know how to accept people. everyone should act like themselves and grow up! be yourself and stop letting other damn people's looks get in the way! life is not about fitting in groups or standing out, like high school, it's about relating to people despite how different they are. the best and long-lasting way to be different is based on your mind, so work on that instead of how you look because looks and trends always end up fading.
look up "OFFICIAL Scene Kid Documentary - "Scene Doc."" on youtube
What's more annoying than Emo or Scene kids?
ReplyScene-mo.
It's a ungodly hybrid of the two, forged in the depths of the most sickening pits of hell and brought to your local coffeeshop and/or independently owned record store. (Trust me, they were [and still are] everywhere north of North Avenue in Chicago.) What's eve more annoying is how they manage to combine whining and sarcasm all into one irksome package. Don't get me wrong, I have friends that consider themselves "emo" and act accordingly (i even helped them dye their hair pitch black out of friendship and complete boredom). But not a day goes by where I want to break a My Chemical Romance CD in half and cut their stupid emo selves up with the shattered disc. But sadly....they would like it if someone cut them.
Hey, I resemble the Orgcore Punker from that yourscenesucks website too! That website is awesome, thanks for the link total immortal. I laughed my ass off.
ReplyJonny Ryall:
ReplyThat's good to know. I was outraged at first, but now I feel okay.
I despise emo kids as much as the next guy, and am relatively homophobic(maybe less so than your average trailer trash, I originally wasn't but having a gay brother I have had an opportunity to meet more queers than I would have liked). Just so you people know mexican emo kids being beaten has more to do with homophobia than it does with music. Essentially it has less to do with the music(how do people listen to that shit anyway?) and more to do with the perception in mexico that emo kids are homosexuals.
Replydon't mean that toward you, swaim; enjoyed the video. yeah, a bit more than the blog. "cut myself 'cause that's how i roll," nice.
Replyshayn n.
i say we all rally together and strangle these acting-like-they're-14-years-old 14-year-olds with their stupid argyle socks. cut their wrists for them with those box-frame glasses. toss their jonathan safran foer books into a flaming pile, then drive their pink mopeds at 15 mph into the heap. gauge their eyes out with their eye-liner; how's that for EYE-rony? death cab for cutie? death cab for YOUtie. and who foots the hospital bill? their PARENTS! HA!
Replywas that a good impression? i think i got it down.
Chilean pokemones aren't emo. Chile has emo, too, and they're just as silly in Stgo. as they are everywhere else. And treated about the same...
Reply[...] then I realized something. Who needs to link to a real story? That’s for amateurs. Children. I’m the oldest Cracked blogger, and I’d better start acting like it. (I [...]
Reply