If you had asked me at the age of 8 whose opinion I respected most in the world, “professional video game reviewer” would have been pretty near the top of the list, perhaps even as high as “Tony the Tiger.” Yet certain events of the past few months have cast an unflattering light on the world of video game reviews. Were you to ask me today to rate “video game reviewer” on a spectrum of job respectability I’d probably place them a little bit below “Adult theater janitor.”
Here’s why: there’s rumors that Konami has forbidden early reviewers from talking about certain aspects of the upcoming game Metal Gear Solid 4, notably the length of the cut scenes or the size of the install. Apparently these sorts of conditions are relatively common for early video game reviews, although they usually tend to be more mundane and spoiler-related, along the lines of, “Please refrain from discussing Luke Skywalker’s parentage.” But these kind of conditions are a little more unusual. We can’t say for sure why Konami felt it necessary to restrict reviewers from discussing the length of the cutscenes in MGS4, although “because they’re terrible and just keep going on” is a popular guess.
I’m not going to turn this into a rant about why I hate the Metal Gear games (short answer: because they’re terrible and just keep going on) and instead use the shining beacon that is this blog to cast the harsh glare of journalistic integrity on the damp world of professional video game reviews.
Some more background: Last November, Gamespot editor Jeff Gerstmann posted a mediocre review for the mediocre game Kane & Lynch. The only problem with that was that the entire Gamespot website was swimming in ads for Kane & Lynch at the time, even to the extent that I believe they were using special promotional fonts. The story goes that the publisher of the game, Eidos, being somewhat displeased at spending several hundreds of thousands of dollars on advertising for the game, and not getting a non-terrible review for their dollar, leaned on Gamespot’s owners to fire Gerstmann, which in fact did happen a couple days later. Management denied any connection, although their denials were muffled somewhat by the huge Kane & Lynch promotional rubber mask they were wearing at the time, along with the Eidos promotional rubber penis lodged in their throats.
There’s tons of these stories floating around the internet, of PR personal leaning on game reviewers for better reviews. Which raises an important question: Why isn’t anyone trying to bribe us? Attention video game publishers: Cracked has zero integrity! Did you see our “12 favorite banner ads” article? If you need a good review for your game, then fire us an e-mail buddy! Check this shit out:
Another curiosity: The common acceptance of the 1-10 rating system, even though everyone out there only uses the scores 6-9. I remember a website called Daily Radar from back in the day, which actually only used 4 ratings, which were Excellent, Good, Fair and Turd as I recall. At the time they were mocked for their lo-res rating system with it’s lack of decimal places, and sure enough the site eventually went out of business. (Although looking back on it now, just being on the web at all in the late 90’s, is generally regarded as being a Bad Business Decision) But here we are nearly a decade later, and everyone’s still dividing game’s up into four bins, the great “9″ games, the good “8″ games, the bad “7″ games and the turd “6″ games. Seriously guys, there’s a reason Siskel and Ebert were reviewing movies with thumbs up or thumbs down, and it’s not just because Roger Ebert doesn’t know how decimals work.
Last 5 posts by Chris Bucholz
- How To Train An Army of Animals To Do Your Bidding - November 18th, 2008
- Everything I need to know I learned from He-Man - November 11th, 2008
- Campaign 2008: The Year in Pictures - November 4th, 2008
- The Scouts are offering a Merit Badge in Boning - October 28th, 2008
- 10 Reasons Canadian Elections are better than your Elections - October 14th, 2008
July 1st, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Look up zero punctuation, best reviewer ever, and no marks, cause that shit is gay
June 26th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
[...] Metal Gear Solid 4 may or may not have insanely long cut scenes. [...]
June 12th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
genius69–You forgot Naked Snake. Who loses an eye.
*One-eye Naked Snake.*
June 12th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
hey, I also saw many hot sexy videos and other funy stuff @ PlusMeet.c o m. Many big boob women and big booty women uploaded their hot photos&videos there. U will not be disappointed!
June 11th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
I think we’re getting off topic, people. This is a Commie-Prostitute-flamethrower forum, and I don’t see how any of you can forget that. Bring on the crispy zombie hordes of flaming Commie Hookers!!!!
June 11th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Make money just to surf the web.
http://www.surfjunky.com/?r=cul8818
June 11th, 2008 at 3:56 am
This just in - anyone who dislikes the Metal Gear Solid series, which invented the stealth genre, you twat, is retarded and should have their consoles and thumbs seized and given to someone who can recognize a good game when they see it.
June 11th, 2008 at 12:07 am
As I know, men like to watch hot sexy videos @ PlusMeet.c o m__, where many big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun&love together! Hi guys, is that true?
June 10th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
I give this article a root negative 1
June 10th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
I remember a great website having a 2 stars rating system… *sigh*
June 10th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
PFFFT @ BreathingMeat for nazism’s
June 10th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
The article’s pretty good, but you have got to learn how to use apostrophes if you’re going to be a writer. For example, you don’t use them to make plurals of things, including the years in a decade. 1990s = good; 1990’s = bad.
Also, “its” when used as a possessive pronoun (eg. “The spider ate its own legs off”) doesn’t have an apostrophe. I know! It’s crazy! But think of it this way: “Its” doesn’t have an apostrophe for the same reason that “his” doesn’t.
June 10th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Fuck you, metal gear games are the best ones out there. Snake’s a badass and the cutscenes are sweet.
June 10th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Oh wow Charles Pierce I feel like I’m in college again.
June 10th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
but thats just an opinion
June 10th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
i dont think can be rated with numbers because ratings are opinions, if i would rate GTA4 i would give it a 7/10
June 10th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/2008/06/…ng-cut-scenes/ s [...]
June 10th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Daily Radar was a great site. They went out of business because they consistently called out shitty Nintendo games for what they were, and eventually Nintendo got fed up and sued them for copyright infringement for posting screenshots. fuck Nintendo.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Actually, Game Informer isn’t afraid to call games 5s and 4s - I’ll assume those are “Super Turd” and “Looking At This Will Dirty Your Eyes” respectively. And for games that are actually good and where they got upwards of 50 grand in advertising money they’ll give it a 9.5.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
As I know, men like to watch hot sexy videos @ PlusMeet.c o m__, where many big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun&love together! Hi guys, do U agree?
June 10th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
After working in the game industry, I can say Jizz Mopper is a much cleaner, healthier job too
June 10th, 2008 at 10:44 am
I would like to comprehend the rationale behind stating Metal Gear Solid is a shit game, your justification is “it keeps going.”
I don’t see how that makes any sense as EVERY game comes to a closure at some point, no matter how long it takes. Even then, Metal Gear Solid games are short.
Metal Gear Solid games appeal to those that want to be able to interact with a movie, this is conveyed clearly with the prolific cutscenes in every game. This is also the reason why it is a love or hate relationship with it.
But yes, Metal Gear Solid is a terrible game, lets overlook the fact it constantly sets the benchmark in storyline, graphics, sound and gameplay in the stealth genre.
No doubt you’re a Halo player that believes Halo games are revolutionary and innovative as you can use vehicles. Congratulations, you’re a moron.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:55 am
I thought Metal Gear Solid was just a pre-teen nickname for penis….just like Solid Snake, Liquid Snake, Big Boss, and Guns of the Patriots…wait this is a game? You fuckin’ with me.
June 10th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Good thing Chris Bucholz has his name on all of his articles, its my warning sign.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:53 am
You know who doesn’t use the antiquated rating system? Jeff Gerstmann’s very own site giantbomb.com. They have a 5 star rating system: 2 stars to tell you how bad the game it, 2 stars for how awesome it is, and 1 for middle-of-the-road. And the actually USE the all! Shocking but true. The sites just starting up, but I have high hopes for what those guys are doing over there.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:49 am
‘The common acceptance of the 1-10 rating system, even though everyone out there only uses the scores 6-9.’
Only scores 6-9? Just because a lot of games happen to fall inbetween those numbers doesn’t mean they’re only splitting games into 4 categories. GTA got 10s, Iron Man got 3/4s, etc. 6 is the AVERAGE, which is why a lot of games are around 6. The above quoted sentence is possibly the stupidest thing I’ve heard in a Cracked article.
June 7th, 2008 at 9:50 am
MGS2 had some of the longest cutscenes I’ve ever seen with the cutscene right before the final boss fight clocked at 27 minutes. no joke I timed it. Doesnt beat the length of Star Ocean: till the end of time’s cutscenes. They were so long and idiotic I didn’t want to even try beating the first “stage”
June 7th, 2008 at 1:11 am
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June 6th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
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June 6th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Thank you for speaking out against Metal Gear Solid; god forbid anyone say anything bad about the series, it’s sacrilegious(however, saying something bad about the Metroid Series IS sacrilegious). At least in the past, the controls were awfully clunky and the story was overrated, and I did not enjoy paying the first one. Perhaps I should have played it when it originally came out as opposed to just last year, but it is completely overrated. At least Snake is cool.
June 6th, 2008 at 5:41 am
just buy a pirate copy or download the game and if sucks you erase the dvd rewritable(yes, im such a saavy pirate) and if its good you maybe,maybe,maybe… reccomend to buy it to another person,and in the very rare ocasion the game is a masterpiece, you buy the original.never happen to me by the way,ill buy gta4 original but im too busy playing it that i havent time
June 5th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
The Elusive Robert Denby Says:
“If after four Metal Gear Solid games you’re still whining about the cutscenes, just shut the fuck up and go buy a Wii; your extremely tiny attention span will thank you.”
Quoted for truth… You’ll see the trend of people saying Metal Gear Solid is shit, while GTA is god. This trend is expected.
June 5th, 2008 at 8:01 am
I thought cut scenes were like intermissions. You know, go to the kitchen, get yourself a healthy snack of Doritos and Dr. Pepper, then come back to the game.
June 5th, 2008 at 5:06 am
Metal gear solid is an awesome game. I credit it with indoctrinating me into the ways of the student who never goes to college and just sits in her room playing computer games. And the only thing that annoyed me was that some of the longest cut-scenes were unskippable, which was laaaaaame.
June 5th, 2008 at 2:28 am
Where is UNFORGIVABLE!?
Dax Flame is pretty badass too…
June 5th, 2008 at 12:47 am
fuck this PAC lives!
we just blazed
June 5th, 2008 at 12:44 am
mgs4 da shit!
since fuckin 88
June 4th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Daily Radar had a scale based on explosions. Dud, Miss, Hit, and Direct Hit.
I have more internets than you, Bucholz. Many, many more internets.
June 4th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Gamespot, if I remember correctly, was really soft on FEAR, like a 6 or something , until it hit big. Then their review went up a few notches.
June 4th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
“GTA4 got 10 on gamespot and every other site, and I recall there was a game about big trucks which got 1. So if 6 is a turd , then that must be like, at least 3 times turdier(a turd that has gone two more cycles through human body?) ?”
I believe the name of the game that received a one was called ‘Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing’. Terrible, terrible game.
June 4th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Now this is a guy who deserves to be famous:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=c0QazceEguE
That’s KING of the lounge lizards.
June 4th, 2008 at 10:52 am
That reminds me of the Lenin/Stalin slash fiction I’ve been writing! Trotsky rounds out the third side of the love triangle in my story.
June 4th, 2008 at 7:56 am
Now I need some Lenin/Marx/Nietzsche fan service.
Marx: “Religion, and thus God, is the opiate of the masses.”
Nietzsche: “Indeed; God is dead. Although you’ll still be screaming His name when you meet my “ubermensch” as I “Zarathrusta” it into you.
Marx: How I long to seize your means of production.
Lenin: Um, I’m going to just assume you’re still talking philosophy/politics/economics/etc. here–so what do I do if Russia hasn’t reached the Industrial and bourgeoisie stage yet?
Marx and Nietzche (together): BUKKAKE!
Oh, the facial hair.
@J-Pappi: I’m having trouble with the Post Office on this one. Apparently sending hacked-up dead bodies through the mail is “illegal” or something stupid like that. Isn’t that ridiculous? I’ll have to try UPS.
June 4th, 2008 at 7:24 am
Now, Nietsche… There was a man with some dreamy facial hair!
June 4th, 2008 at 6:32 am
Was Marx a sexy bitch? I suppose if thats what you’re into really. I guess if beards and all that ’struggle of the workers uniting’ stuff wets your whistle (and other parts besides) then more power to you.
June 4th, 2008 at 1:58 am
If after four Metal Gear Solid games you’re still whining about the cutscenes, just shut the fuck up and go buy a Wii; your extremely tiny attention span will thank you.
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Hi Gregory!
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:25 pm
And say what you want about Lenin, people, but he rocked the van Dyke look before it was cool.
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:24 pm
I had to stay out of this earlier since I don’t play video games and didn’t know what the fuck you guys were talking about, but now that we’re into commies and flamethrowers and dead hookers again I feel safe resurfacing.
Res_Ipsa, still looking for some of those aforementioned dead hookers; even cleaned out my basement. You weren’t teasing me, were you? That would be cruel. I’ll trade you some pokemon cards I got off some dead paperboys.
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Oooh oooh! Using flamethrowers on Communist hookers! Thus making them dead hookers, which as everyone should know, are totally awesome. Chillin’ with my dead Communist hookers, sippin’ on pinko lemonade. Priceless.
@Neil: You’re totally right about getting caught. Working under a local prosecutor (for a law school clinic) was an . . . enlightening experience. Who the Hell shoplifts $13 sunglasses from a grocery store? (Answer: A surprising amount of people.)
@P-S Ross: Is traditional Communist doctrine pure Marxism? Or as modified by Lenin? Trotskyism? Mao-ism? (Answer to “Mao-ism”–NO.) If a Communist falls in the forest, will I still pee on it? (Answer: Yes.) Is the Communist Manifesto one of the most repetitive and boring things I’ve ever read? (Totally yes. I shudder to think of reading Das Kapital.) Was Marx a sexy, sexy bitch? (Yes.)
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:27 pm
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/05/22/AR2008052203905_pf.html
Am I crazy nooooow?
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Neil are you related to Dale from King of the Hill?
June 3rd, 2008 at 6:08 pm
oh, but there are so many more communists today than ever before! You can always go to cube or china, but for the best hunting nothing beat the homegrown american kind. And with Barack Obama having 75,000 person rallies and being a secret commie, there are so many pinkos to take down left and right.
June 3rd, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Actually on traditional communist doctrine they’d be treated as mere socialists.
Oh and I was being satirical about glendoor hunting communists in cool enviroments.
June 3rd, 2008 at 5:08 pm
@Panzier-Stier Ross: have you been to an enviromentalist rally or meeting lately? Greenpeace is all RED.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:45 pm
@ Res_Ipsa: Most of those things, you will get caught. I’ve done the research. And zombies are generally hard to come by. But I have killed a few hobos and puppies. Still, it isn’t quite the unrestrained rampage I look for in a truly uplifting killing experience. I mean where do you even get a flamethrower nowadays?
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I like the 4 system for rating, but 5 is good too. These things get up to 10 because games come out that are better or worse than the scale provides. Like say you have the 4 system of “Great”, “Good”, “Fair”, and “Turd”. Now what if a game comes out that’s one of the best you’ve ever play and is an instant classic (Like any game you are going to lose sleep and days of your life to - for me games like Katamari Damacy, Def Jam Vendetta 2: Fight For NY, and any GTA). It’s better than great. Well now you’re up to 5 “classic”, “great”, “good”, “fair”, and “turd”. But now a game comes out that’s sooooooo shitty that turd can’t possibly define it. It’s so bad that it would be an insult to turds to call it one. So now you have 6: “Classic”, “Great”, “Good”, “Fair”, “Turd”, and “My God If You Buy This Game I Will Come To Your House And Kill You”. Granted the outer ratings should be used sparingly and most will fall into the center, original 4 ratings, but it’s good to have the option. That said I don’t know where they get the other 4 numbers.
Actually don’t need 6, because the last ranking can be a zero. So I’m going with the 5 system as the best. With number 5 being the upper echelon. Because nothing needs a better rating than “Classic” and if something is ever worse than zero, you can go into negative numbers to express your hatred.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Well, unfortunately due to extensive capitalism it’s hard to find communists in their natural enviroments these days.
Most ‘big game’ communist hunters tend to pick off ones in enclosed, captivity-bred spaces, such as bohemian coffee shops, party meetings and college rallies.
The days of hunting wild communists in jungles, in deserts and on the frozen wastes of Siberia (long the terrain of the elusive and highly-sought after wild Russian communist) are sadly over.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Neil: Why can’t you do those things in real life? Remember, it’s only a crime if you get caught!
(Note: That may not be completely true.)
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:29 pm
I rate The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion as SO BORING IT MADE MY EYES BLEED. Seriously, both my roommates were obsessed with that game. I’d walk into my room, sit on the couch and watch then run/jump through the forest and occasionally go up to things to see if they were hiding items. I would pray they wouldn’t. Because then they’d have to scroll through their 15 million items. Ok, every once in a while they would go into a cave and retardedly swat at giant rats with a sword …. and then spend the rest of the time in the cave looking through items. Who the fuck wants to play a game about walking around? If you want to walk around, walk around. You don’t need an icon wearing a loincloth that has a bull’s head to walk around. I could walk around and pick berries if I wanted to. I play video games to do the things I can’t. Like kill zombies or kill aliens or kill bugs or kill mobsters or kill pedestrians and other civillians or play basketball.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Two best games I’ve played in a while are “The Witcher” and “Stalker”. Witcher has made any other sword and sorcery game obsolete and Stalker let me shoot Communists in some really cool environments.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Dammit, Simius Rex Unum (Kingmonkey +1–yes, my Latin skills suck (beyond Legal Latin, which is Short Bus Latin, no offense to the kids who ride the short bus)), and Metalbrainsurgery . . . I really want to play Oblivion, but must wait until I can actually afford a halfway-decent computer. Ugh.
Why do white people hate so many things? This white person hates that site and that spammer. Ugh. (Again.)
I’ve always thought that the MGS series has this bizarre mix of awesome parts, shitty parts, and just plain “what the WTF” [Ed.'s note: "What the WTF? WTWTF? That makes no sense, ass.] parts. It has multiple personality syndrome or something. I’m such a nerd. Ugh. (Thrice.)
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I fell for the ‘go back and forth in the air vent and eventually the chick becomes naked’ glitch in MGS2.
One UK based magazine just took the complete piss out of the situation by describing that after going back and forth to the vent 4 or 5 times would eventually undress her to the point that you could see her ‘dancing naked to Fatboy Slim.’
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:16 pm
I think reviewers like xplay have it best just do 1-5…and I agree Metal Gear Solid is pretty stupid
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:02 pm
I stopped reading when I realized I was illiterate. That’s why Gregory reads this blog for me, and he types up my responses, too.
Gregory: Hi!
What did I tell you about using smilies? Do you want to go back in the cellar?
Gregory: Sorry
That does it.
June 3rd, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I stopped reading when you said Metal Gear was terrible.
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:36 pm
no chitter is more like an aborted hannah montana fetus.
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I second kingmonkey, oblivion deserves the score of infinity.
But my rating for such an awesome game is 10,000 spoons - 1 knife.
I hate alanis morisette and I’m white. get on it thingswhitepeoplehate.com
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:33 pm
GTA4 got 10 on gamespot and every other site, and I recall there was a game about big trucks which got 1. So if 6 is a turd , then that must be like, at least 3 times turdier(a turd that has gone two more cycles through human body?) ?
June 3rd, 2008 at 11:02 am
I typically rate The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion as a solid number “all.”
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:00 am
I rate your reveiw reviewing game reviewers as a 6 (turd, sorry man).
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:55 am
Animal Crossing got a 10 out of 10, I believe. They reviewed FFX too and I thought they gave it a 9 I Thought, but it could’ve been an 8. Animal Crossing definitely did better.
And what do you mean Tom? I remember the guy before Tom! Moltar was a good guy! It’s a shame he had to relinquish his post like that.
….and I’m not that old either.
The only thing I expect out of my video game reviews is comedy, sad really, there isn’t much comedy in most reviews. If I buy something or not is based off what I’m interested in and what I’m recommended by friends, I never listen to those guys. There would have to be an overwhelming negative opinion for me to not buy something I was planning on buying.
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:39 am
Check out a reason to hate Amy Winehouse.
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:57 am
I’m fond of “hojillion kabillion” myself, really.
Since I’m too young to remember anything about the nineties except for how much I loved Pokemon, instead I’ll say this: Before they replaced Tom on Toonami with those other robot… things, and Miguzi, or whatever the hell they’re doing now, I do remember them rating games. Everything got an 8, as I recall. -Everything-.
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:47 am
Like “- fucking billion bazzilion” that’s reserved for Battlecruiser Millenium?
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:12 am
Sometimes a game should be rated with an irrational number