Well, folks, it's that very special time again, a time I look forward to all year. I tremble with anticipation for this event, in fact, because it's just so magical it makes Christmas morning look like violent prison rape. What event am I talking about? Is it Mother's Day? No, that was last week. Is it Free Iced Coffee Day at Dunkin Donuts? No, that was yesterday. Is it Robert Darcy, 4th Earl of Holderness's birthday? Nope, that's tomorrow. Is it the "DOB's Abs Are Fantastic" Celebration? No, that is a year-long event. What I'm talking about is better than all of those things combined. Ladies and Gentlemen, Carlos Mencia is back.
I know, I know. You were worried for a while when you didn't see any new episodes of his show, Mind of Mencia, for a few months. "Was Carlos cancelled?," you probably wondered. "Where will I get my fresh, edgy, fredgy comedy?" But he's here. Don't worry. Not only will Mind of Mencia be back May 21st, but Carlos has a stand-up special on Comedy Central on Sunday in case, like me, you just can't wait until tomorrow to get your Mencia fix. Me? I'm giddy as a schoolgirl, positively bursting at the crotch with anticipation. I've been personally lobbying for Mencia Mayhem to replace the Weather Channel for the past three years now. 24 hours of just Mencia and his unique catalogue of jokes, (the one about how Mexicans are infamous for laziness, etc). Fuck weather. Mencia all day every day. That's the kind of America I want to live in. Still, I recognize that Carlos Mencia might not be for everyone. His comedy is what we in the biz call "High Brow," (rhymes with "eyebrow"). Mencia's comedy is a little more intellectual than your Seinfeld's and your Pryor's and your Goldthwait's. It's cerebral. You might not laugh every minute of his standup, or even once, but that's because Carlos likes to challenge his audience and make them think. All too often I've watched helplessly while some of Mencia's golden punchlines sail gently above the heads of the masses, lost on them forever. They may never know how funny it is to hear Carlos tell them the one about how lazy the Mexicans are, (hint: very). They'll just have to trust that Carlos Mencia is hilarious, despite all existing evidence to the contrary. Well, fear not, sweet readers. I feel it is my duty as a full-fledged Mencia Maniac, (Meniac, lol), to explain to you, the Entire Planet, why exactly Carlos Mencia is funny. I'll be doing my part to spread his humor to the world. It's the least I can do for him; he's filled my life with so much joy and laughter I just might poop. So, sit back and relax while I countdown the four reasons why Carlos Mencia is very funny, (even though you don't necessarily laugh whenever you watch him perform comedy). The Complex and Cerebral Comedy of Carlos Clarified 4. He's Edgy You might not think so, but his edginess is detailed right on his website, so like it or not, it's true. If you check out the description of Mind of Mencia over on Comedy Central, you'd see that Carlos "takes no prisoners, and... mercilessly skewers the current and the cultural, whether in the studio, in the audience, out on the street, or in commercial parodies." He's dangerous, folks, that's for sure. And fearless. He's like a terrorist, but with words, (words like, for example, 'beaner'), and he's unafraid to tackle any issue, whether it's "race relations," "racial stereotypes," "immigration," or the "subtle difference between the way white people and non-white people dance." See? He's got the whole world covered. No comedic stone is left unturned. Mencia's going to skewer everyone from "Mexicans (who he thinks are lazy)" all the way to "other Mexicans who can be seen doing things that may not necessarily be considered productive." 3. He's You Now, perhaps you've watched Mencia's show, (Mind of Mencia), or maybe one of his stand up specials and perhaps you thought "This isn't clever, he's just making the same tired racist jokes over and over again and liberally seasoning his act with the word 'beaner.' And sweating. He is really sweating. A lot." But you'd be wrong. See, Carlos specifically tells us that he's just saying what everyone else is afraid to say. According to his bio on Comedy Central, he "represents the internal voice inside us and demands we admit to thinking what he says out loud." Admit it, you loud, sweaty bastards! You know that time Mencia told that joke about Mexican people being lazy? It turns out you were always thinking that, but you were just afraid to say it. See, it wasn't Carlos Mencia who said "I want Julio to hop the border and cut my grass" it was You. You said that, which makes it edgy. And funny. Laughing yet? I can see this is all very tough for you to wrap your brain around. Let's move on.
2. He Often Makes Fun of Retarded People Sure, any old comedian can take the tedious minutiae of everyday life and put a clever, unique and hilarious spin on it, but it takes a real comedic hero to make fun of retarded people. Frankly, I think we're all pretty much in agreement over the fact that the mentally disabled have had it too good for too long, and it's about time Carlos Mencia finally put them in their place. "Dee dee dee" is the inventive phrase that you hear all the cool kids saying these days. Conceived by Carlos (?), the phrase represents mentally challenged and stupid people because...because stupid people say 'dee dee dee' a lot, I guess? Or because he once heard a retarded person or...something. I don't know. There's a song that goes along with it. It's complicated. Regardless of why he came up with it or what it means or why it took the nation by storm, the point is, he came up with it. (Probably.) If Shakespeare was alive today, (and, according to some theories I've been kicking around, he is), and, further, if he was an ethnic comedian instead of a (zombie) playwright, you can bet your ass that he'd be wishing that he was the first one to think of saying "dee dee dee" when he was making fun of retarded people. Considered by most historians as the "Elizabethan Carlos Mencia," Ole' Bill Shakespeare was a pioneer in the field of cruelly mocking retarded people, and you can put that shit on a t-shirt. His "dee dee dee"'s were a little more involved and generally in iambic pentameter, but the sentiments were the same. 1. He's the Miles Davis of Comedy Here is, perhaps, the most important aspect of Carlos Mencia and his comedy. It's the reason most people don't "get" Carlos. Get ready, white folks, because I'm about to rock your world. See, Dave Chappelle once did a skit to show the world what it would be like if there was a black president. And it was funny in a "makes you laugh often" sort of way, which is fine if that's what you're looking for in a comedy. But Carlos Mencia opted to take the road less traveled by doing exactly what Dave Chappelle did several years later, but with a twist: Mencia was going to show the world what it would be like to have a black president, but he was going to do so without being funny or relevant. See? He's a comedian who didn't tell a single joke. Not once. If you feel like there's a bunch of gross, warm goo inside your skull, it's because Carlos Mencia just blew your mind. While Miles Davis was acclaimed for the notes he didn't play, so too should Carlos be applauded for the jokes he isn't telling. Follow that logic and you'll have to agree, Carlos Mencia is the funniest man on the planet.