This is not a film. It is an insult. Do not abide it.
If I find out a single Cracked Blog reader attended this movie on opening day, even if it results in sex, there will be hell to pay. Besides, do you really want to have sex with someone who would watch Meet the Spartans? Do you really want that inside of you?
I feel strongly about this.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes pandering, referential comedy videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Friday, January 25th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Harbingers of Doom, Meet the Spartans, The End of Rational Thought. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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May 19th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
i love asian girls they are so hot
April 5th, 2008 at 9:59 am
Naked Girls Naked Young Girl Naked Teen Girls…
I can not agree with you in 100% regarding some thoughts, but you got good point of view…
April 5th, 2008 at 1:24 am
Naked Girls Naked Black Men Girls Naked…
I can not agree with you in 100% regarding some thoughts, but you got good point of view…
March 7th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
300? HellooOOOoooo, eyecandy! As a chick who likes movies where lots of people get shot and they blow lots of shit up…I was quite entertained by Gerry and his (partially) sprayed-on abs. I’ve been drinking with one of his old friends (and I worked on Dracula 2000–now there’s a prize winner)….heh. Funny drunken Gerry stories. I just wish 300 had been more like the graphic novel (yes, I own it): More of the Spartans shoulda been completely nekkid! Woohoo! And, like I said, I worked on Meet the Spartans. I’m sorry. I had bills to pay. At least those who’ve seen it only had to see an hour and a half. I had to watch all 95 (NINETY-FIVE!!!!!!) hours of it. Imagine that kind of pain and weep for me! I said, WEEP you bastards!
March 6th, 2008 at 8:06 am
“2) How the fuck didn’t said Spartan force (reminder: in its entirety), renowned for their keen senses and self-preservation instincts fail to notice this Persian galloping in on horseback on rocky terrain from a large distance away?”-ass_master3000
For the same reason that Angel Eyes in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly can sneak up on Tuco and Blondie in the graveyard even though they’re in a relatively flat valley and should logically have seen him coming the whole time: He’s not in the same frame. You’re free to argue the line between trickery and artistry, but this is not anything new they’re trying.
February 13th, 2008 at 8:54 am
tiger gps…
http://sumpit.info...
January 31st, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Hot ones, too.
January 31st, 2008 at 5:35 pm
kingmonkey,
Sin City was done much better than 300. Marv smashing through walls…I had no problem with anything like that in that movie because it establishes early on that there are people that are superhuman. The problems of ‘accuracy’ in 300 stem not from a discontinuity of believablility, but rather from tacky, brainless decisions by the filmmaker that simply defy LOGIC. Such as, and I’ve even written a blog entry about this, the scene where the Spartan captain’s son gets beheaded from behind. This scene defies believablility not because it spurns the laws of physics, but for these reasons instead:
1) Why the hell is this one Persian guy riding up to the entirety of the Spartan force after 1 bajillion of his comrades just got their asses handed to them?
2) How the fuck didn’t said Spartan force (reminder: in its entirety), renowned for their keen senses and self-preservation instincts fail to notice this Persian galloping in on horseback on rocky terrain from a large distance away?
3) If they really wanted the Spartan captain’s son dead that much, why didn’t they just off him in battle, as opposed to this unecessary scene?
Your answer, I imagine, is probably ‘who cares besides anal retentive nerds’? While I concede it is a good one, it is incomplete, because it fails to acknowledge that the director of 300 failed to think of these things because he frankly didn’t have the foresight or sense to realize it actually does matter in terms of the films overall quality. And just because it only matters to a few people like myself, doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t matter to more people.
Finally, Sin City had more naked chicks in it.
January 31st, 2008 at 1:14 pm
At the risk of making myself out to be a geek (what a geek on Cracked? no!), a comic book is typically a regularly published, standard format comic magazine. A graphic novel is usually a trade paperback consisting of original maaterial (as opposed to a trade paperback collecting various issues of a comic). Also, comics are regularly priced, while graphic novels and trade paperback collections undergo a magical, geometric increase in price (if they’re Marvel comics).
Frank Miller’s work is never meant to be taken too seriously. He has fun in the genre he’s writing, be it Sin City, 300, The Dark Knight Returns, or Ronin or whatever he’s working on.
Did you go to Sin City and say “how did Marv bust through a wall, or Clive Owen jump down three storeys without at least pulling his ankle?” Propbably not, because of that thing called willing suspension of disbelief. If you’ve gone to 300 and said “none of this and this is possible” then either the movie was poorly done, or you’re in the wrong theatre.
I didn’t see 300 because I am one of those guys that says “this isn’t faithful to the comic.” I’ve liked some comic book movies in the past, but some are too far from the original to be enjoyed. (I’m looking at you, V for Vendetta.)
January 30th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Tom… You obviously didn’t read everything if the first thing you say is “Am I the only one that noticed 300 was based off of a freakin’ comic book?” Did you not read the last 5 posts between me and Ass_master? That’s the whole thing we were talking about was that basing it completely on the graphic novel rather than better hostorical fact was a bad choice. It’s not a bad movie, but it could have been better.
FYI, it’s a graphic novel not a comic book, I’m not quite sure what the differences are myself, but there are differences somehow.
January 30th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Am I the only one that noticed 300 was based off of a freakin’ comic book? How are you going to bitch and moan about historical inaccuracies when it was based on a freakin’ comic book? If you went in to 300 expecting a history lesson, or anything less than a comic book on celluloid, you’re an idiot.
January 29th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Totally agree with you, Sir. That would have made for an amazing movie instead of just an okay one.
January 29th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
True, THE Guy.
But why limit it to that. If it’s BASED on the graphic novel, couldn’t it then differ in some fashion?
Why not take the best elements of both? Say, the graphics from the graphic novel, and the history from, well, history…? Doesn’t seem like it should take a massive intellect to come up with that one. And to those who would then say: ‘What a piece of shit! It wasn’t faithful to the comic!’ I would say shut the fuck up and be thankful the director had good sense.
January 29th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Ass_master: It’s because it was based on a graphic novel and not historical fact, which in turn is the director’s fault for choosing a poor source to base a movie on.
January 29th, 2008 at 11:15 am
@Pantera:
Perhaps I’m being over-critical, but the point I was trying to make earlier was this:
Even though it is a steaming pile of rot-turd, Meet the Spartans has no pretense of being anything other than that, while the people behind 300 appear to be taking themselves deadly serious. Movies need to put their money where their mouth is; if they are claiming to be a gritty, realistic action movie, well, make it gritty and realistic. What we have instead is a fanfare of stylized bullshit that defies simple logic at times, and any movie that takes itself seriously needs to cover their ass in that regard, or else the (objective) audience loses interest and respect for the film.
Why bother paying that much attention to detail? Because it really is the difference between a masterpiece and an average movie. Watch the movie No Country for Old Men if you haven’t already done so, and pay attention to the incredible detail in every scene. These details aren’t there as pedantic self-references that only beret-wearing, scarf-toting, poetry-writing douchebags understand. Rather, they are subtle reflections of the story and imagery that develops as the movie goes on.
So back to 300…
obviously not to be taken AS seriously as No Country for Old Men, but why not have the same attention to detail? It would only serve to enhance the overall effect, and it would stop whiny asses like me from writing interminable comments like this one that serve only to irritate you further.
January 29th, 2008 at 9:29 am
The history channel kicked ass with it’s “documentary” of the real Blair Witch. OMG that shit, (while proven to be made up) was about a million times scarier than the actual movie. If somebody can find it somewhere let me know.
January 29th, 2008 at 8:30 am
The killing was great. It was that the stuff that was inaccurate was so FAR from accurate that it was distracting. It was an okay movie, I mean I still bought it, but the reason that the spartans did so well is because they had really heavy armor, not because they had abs you could crack a walnut on. Their shields would have each been painted with thier own symbol too… I blame the history channel for ruining this movie for me.
January 28th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
What’s with this bashing of 300? That movie was awesome. Albiet, it wasn’t very historically accurate and we’re pretty sure Leonidas wasn’t that buff, but it was 2 hours of people being stabbed, slashed, decapitated, and killed in various other gruesome manners. How much more awesome does a movie have to be in order for you to like it?
Also, if you read up on the real way the Greeks fought, it was probably one of the most intense things you could ever encounter in your life.
January 28th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Those people that make movies purely for the red necks demographic (Talladaga Nights, Walk Hard…) should be castrated….
Yeah, Costner got a good one finally with Mr. Brooks: Good plot, really creepy, boobs, and death. I think it’s because his slightly monotonic acting works with his character to make him more creepy instead of just making him boring like in 95% of his other films.
**spoiler**
The idea of hiding a dead body in the ground of an open grave where a coffin will be placed over it the next day is awesome. That’s how I’m going to hide a body should the Mafia ever call in the favor I owe them…
January 28th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!
THE best movie to beat all other of these movies is WALK HARD!
January 28th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Captain Ross, my main man. How about Daddy-O? Jack Frost? I could go on for days. MST3K is the finest comedy ever put on TV.
**SPOILER ALERT**
Dane Cook rocked in Mr. Brooks only when Costner slashed his throat with a shovel! I was like “YEAH!!” Costner was genius. What’s with Dane Cook having his own gang sign? Lame.
January 28th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
On 300: Good in the fights and blood and gore because that’s always fun, but bad is the utterly retarded and obviously untrue additions like the elephants, big goliath men held in chains, no body armor, and the immortals looking like fucking samurai. That ruined it for me.
For a Costner movie, I think Mr. Brooks is actually a decent flick. I guess if you put out enough movies one will actually be okay. Dane Cook was okay in it. It wasn’t an award winning performance, but he wasn’t horrible. He put away the jokes and acted in a serious role and did a decent job. A movie worth renting. If nothing else there’s a fair amount of nudity and death in it.
As to Dane’s stand up, I think most of it is really funny. His exaggeration and use of juxtaposition about something everyone experiences in everyday life always makes it fun to watch even if you’re not clutching your sides on floor.
January 28th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Did anyone else think Dane Cook was okay in Mr. Brooks? I ask, because I want to know what everyone else thought, then agree with their opinion rather than risking having a dissenting point of view.
January 28th, 2008 at 12:35 am
Society had been over Dane Cook as a human being for at least a year before this movie came out, and suddenly he had a fucking Comedy Central special tonight. Dear god, help us.
January 28th, 2008 at 12:10 am
“Meet the Spartans”. Yeah, of course the writers planned this spoof as the most up to date movie possible to maximize its comedic value, so naturally they played on a movie title that came out OVER THREE FUCKING YEARS AGO!
January 27th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
As for the attention to historical detail or lack thereof in 300, which part of “unreliable narrator” don’t you understand?
January 27th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
This is Spa- Oh, fuck…please tell me you are joking, tell me this is a humorous ploy, tell me you are pulling the wool over my eyes, over our eyes, over the eyes of the world. Do you love your family This is Spa-Oh, fuck? Do you? Tell them you love them.
I’m not amused anymore, I’m not laughing, I am scared, just tell us you honestly don’t think Frank Miller directed anything, and we can all go home to our families whom we love.
Just tell me.
January 27th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Dane Cook is a great writer! How can he not be when Louis CK is writing his jokes?
January 27th, 2008 at 8:39 am
to all the people that hate on 300: it is based, frame-by-fuckin’-fame, on a comic book titled- wait…. yep you guessed it, 300!! the author of that load of crap (yes, i agree the movie sucked… kinda paradoxes this whole comment, doesnt it??) is frank miller, the same guy who brought us sin city, which he also directed. beautiful movies, and sin city was good.
what im trying to say is: dont flak the movie for historical inaccuracy (i mean, immortal warriors, huge fuckin elephants… common!) rather, flak it for being fuckin horible. pretty much like this comment. and fuckin pointless too.
January 27th, 2008 at 3:15 am
There’s a big difference between the mentally handicapped and the ‘just plain damn stupid’. I personally liked 300 - much in the way of gusto, roaring and blood. Leonidas’ speeches tend to make me think, “Awesome” - “A new age is upon us! An age, of freedom! And all shall know, that 300 Spartans, gave their last breaths to defend it!” I like it, so sue me.
But yes, Meet the Spartans will suck harder than George Takei on meth (not that I’m ragging on Takei, the man rules, expecially at certain comedy Central roasts). I know how people say, “If you don’t like it, don’t see it” - but that’s not the point. Not only does the financial success of these ‘parodies’, due to the wide population of morons, result in them being made instead of movies that are actually good (I want a sequel to Serenity, instead I get this bile), but it’s also just an insult to the institute of film itself.
January 26th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Agreed. Props on the Network reference, which is a great movie that everyone should see.
January 26th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I rely on MST3K for my bad movies.
Generally, I rely on really really very terrible movies for kicks, not ones that made oil-tanker boatloads of cash. That sort of implies quite a few people like it.
Manos: The Hands of Fate or Space Mutiny? The odds are pretty much in your favour that the movie is going to be terrible.
January 26th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I saw it. I may feel slightly more retarded for doing it , but all in all, still better than epic move, date move, 300, and all the scary movies
January 26th, 2008 at 11:53 am
And here I thought I knew the definition of “genocide.” Guess not!
Saw it last night. Awesome. In a B-movie way. Bring either your testicles or appreciation of testicles to the theater or you’ll weep and moan and wring your hands and cry.
January 26th, 2008 at 4:24 am
On the subject of 300:
It was a terrible movie. Like, REALLY bad.
There was, however, one MAJOR redeeming quality that saved it for me. The cinematography. The camera angles, the action sequences, the LOOK of the movie, was all genius. The movie looked beautiful. If anyone want to make it into a film school as a cameraman (and, admittedly, those are few in number, as cameraman is never a glamorous job), watch 300 until you vomit. The work done in that movie is excellent.
In every other field, it fails… miserably.
And note that this is not coming from some retarded baby-monkey who screams at anything he dislikes while flinging poo at people. I am both an aspiring actor (the Anthony Hopkins kind, the ones who look at acting as a form of art, not the Lindsay Lohan kind, who look at acting as $$$) and a Greek history buff, so I have good reason to hate this movie…
P.S. That last paragraph, while true, was mostly put in place as an excuse to talk about baby-monkey poo-flinging. FYI.
January 26th, 2008 at 12:19 am
I think I have a new hobby, I will collect bad movies! It will start with this.
January 25th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Meet the Spartans is going to undoubtedly be an instant classic, next to the likes of Gone With the Wind and Forest Gump. I mean how can it not be, the highly talented Carmen Electra is in it; all this movie needs is an appearance by Rob Schneider. I’m just surprised that it was looked over this award show season.
P.S. Dane Cook is the most highly overrated douchebag since Lindsay Lohan! HE IS NOT AT ALL FUNNY!
January 25th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
I believe the same fool would go see Rambo and Meet The Spartans. Old jokes aside, Stallone has no business releasing another movie of the genocide of an Asian race.
January 25th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
What fool would go to see Meet the Spartans when they could go see Rambo?
January 25th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
I actually had to clap aloud for that one.
January 25th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Actually, Hitler was a poor artist, by all accounts.
PUN ZING!
January 25th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
But you have to admit, that Hitler sure knew how to draw a crowd.
January 25th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
You know who else put a lot of energy behind his performances? Hitler. Think about it.
January 25th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Dane Cook is a wonderful performer, a terrible writer. Read his Wikiquotes page and see if anything even sounds like a joke. They’re just statements. He just puts SO MUCH fucking energy behind it he tricks you into thinking it’s funny. Which I’ll admit worked on me for quite some time.
January 25th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Fact of life: once the Frat culture embraces something, the nerd culture rejects it:
Examples:
1. 300- used to be awesome. Frat guys now say “this is Sparta”, so it sucks now.
2. Dane Cook- used to be funny. Frat guys now say “who’s in my mouf”, so it sucks now.
January 25th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
I think that was the most intelligent thing ever said by anyone named “ass_master3000″.
BUT… the 3000 at the end of your name is oddly similar to 300. Therefore, I do not trust you and never will.
But yeah, 300 sucked.
January 25th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
ass_master3000, I’m with you. Wait, weren’t ass masters the intended target audience for 300? SPARTANS!!!!
January 25th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
ROSS! NOOOO!!!!!!!
January 25th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
At least the producers wised up slightly and didn’t call this thing “Spartan Movie” or “Epic Movie 2007″, because then I’d have to off myself.
But I can’t wait ’till “Quantum of Stupid” comes out in September (approx). Some highlights involve a Bond look-alike wrist watch wire choking Juno because she wouldn’t shut up, Daniel Plainview gets in an oil war with Jed Clampet, (played by Perez Hilton), Moulder and Skully team up with Indiana Jones to take out Batman in the ‘Kingdom of the Crystal Meth’ scene.
Good God, I love America.
January 25th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I’ve never met Gerard Butler, but something tells me those abs are only partly genuine.
January 25th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
300 had its own set of problems, including CG abs, but at least it—WHAT?! ROSS, DON’T YOU DARE!!!!!!!
January 25th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Mark my words: I am going to see this movie on opening night.
January 25th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
I know I’m opening Pandora’s Box here, but one could argue that some parts of 300 were just as brain-dead and ill-conceived as Meet the Spartans, which to me is a much more insidious problem with Hollywood, as movies like 300 are touted as being so fucking incredible that you’re guarenteed to blow your load while watching them.
Yes, 300 fans, take your shots, I’m ready.
January 25th, 2008 at 11:40 am
“Sodomize My Mother-in-Law?”
Is that a FOX show? How do I get in touch with the producers… you know, just out of curiosity?
January 25th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Between this movie and crap reality TV shows like “Sodomize My Mother-in-law!!” (I actually think that one is in production) I feel like my intelligence is being insulted every time I turn on my TV. I guess that is why I do things like “exercise” and “read” now.
By the way, I know this movie is going to be horrible, but is it really worth the “Harbingers of Doom” tag? Shouldn’t that be saved for “The Top 5 Meteors Currently Headed towards Earth”?
January 25th, 2008 at 10:31 am
These films are obviously absolutely terrible, but no-one’s going to make you see them. The only problem that can arise is if Hollywood’s green-lighting these turds instead of funding films like ‘No Country For Old Men’.
On the plus side, at least you can plausibly say “I could make a better movie than some of the shit in the cinema!”
January 25th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Love the “Network” speech. My computer says that when I turn it on. But did you feel the need to announce to the world that you’re not gay at the end of the clip. It ok Micheal, we
believe you , really.
January 25th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Kingmonkey, obviously you’re joking. However, my girlfriend works with mentally handicapped people and they occasionally take them out to movies when the work day is slow. She says that for movies like Epic Movie and Underdog, the last two she’s seen, the majority of people in the theatres even aside from their group are mentally handicapped, literally. Group homes and work assistance programs will take out their mentally challenged clients quite often when the work gets slow, and thus the demographic for these movies is actually a good percentage of ‘retards.’
All of a sudden, it all makes sense doesn’t it?
January 25th, 2008 at 8:57 am
I wouldn’t say they rely on it, but it’s just a matter of profits. Those kinds of movies are cheap to make, film, produce, etc because of the poor quality of costume, lack of “big name” celebrities, etc. So, they’re low risk productions. Even if they stink worse than an old folks home, you’ll be out only like $20. You won’t see these movies die until people stop going to see them.
January 25th, 2008 at 8:33 am
Judging by the “success” of such movies as Epic Movie and Date Movie (and Wild Hogs, And Norbitt, …), I would guess that Hollywood RELIES on the mentally handicapped as a demographic.
January 25th, 2008 at 8:18 am
I wonder if the mentally handicapped are a large demographic for Hollywood?
January 25th, 2008 at 8:17 am
Brought to you by the same worthless fucktards that excreted out the Scary Movie series, Epic Movie and Date Movie.