Magic Negro-gate: How Liberals Confused Obama With Kazaam
So the news sites I pretend to check when people walk in on me looking at porn at the local library told me something interesting about black people today: Apparently, they possess magical powers. Did you know this - that an entire segment of our population has, all this time, possessed fairy-like abilities, similar to unicorns, leprechauns, and English Schoolchildren? The headline informed of these Magical Negroes and, more specifically, their role in damaging the career of one of the latest candidates for Chairman of the Republican National Committee. I read on, enthralled, expecting to take a fantastical journey though the dashing and thrilling tales of a ragtag young group of African-American sorcerers, and their mystical battle with the Political lord of all evil (sort of like Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo meets Harry Potter meets Frost/Nixon,) but instead suffered through about five-hundred words of mealy-mouthed bullshit and effete Politically Correct whining.
This is literally the reason Photoshop was invented.
If you havent heard the story by now, heres the run-down: An LA times reporter called Barack Obama a magic negro in an op-ed column, inspiring a man named Paul Shanklin, whos sort of a poor mans Weird Al Yankovick (which is odd, because I always thought Weird Al Yankovick was the poor mans Weird Al Yankovick,) to pen a parody song titled Barack The Magic Negro. Rush Limbaugh, being as always a jiggling bag of fat and dicks, then played it on the air and guffawed sanctimoniously while chained up Twi'lek slave-girls danced around his Carbonite-frozen Han Solo.
Any excuse for the Gold Bikini...
Then came the aforementioned RNC candidate, Chip Saltsman, who needed a way to butter up members of the committee for his pending chairmanship. However, rather than opting for the tempting flash of say, a Gold Rolex, or even the subtle refinement of the Bronze Casio Calculator Watch, instead decided to distribute CDS of humorous political parodies from a right wing perspective containing Barack the Magic Negro. As expected, there was a massive publicity fallout, with liberal bastions decrying the song-writer, the paper, Limbaugh, and of course Saltsman himself as racists and bigots, all. Also, as expected, the Republican Party responded with a collective meh, and followed it up with a dismissive shrug and a waggle of the eyebrows as if to say whats the big deal? After all, a little racism between friends never hurt anybodywhite!
Am I right, liberals?!
Actually, no. See, this time, bleeding hearts this time its you being outrageously, fantastically, magically retarded. The term Magic Negro is not a disrespectful epithet hurled by D&D-playing hate-mongers, its not racist jargon for dark-skinned illusionists, and its not some complimentary new slang thats only acceptable when used by members of the group which it refers to.
Heeeey, whats up, my magical negro?
No, the term Magic Negro is a critical theory term, referring to a popular post-modernist concept in literary fiction and films. It refers to a stock character utilized by hack writers when deus ex machina keeps getting caught up by their spell checker. The Magic Negro is typically a secondary character - usually a prisoner or servant - who through nigh-on magical insight, wisdom, and patience guides the white protagonist through all of his trials and tribulations, ultimately assisting him in becoming a better human being, but without ever bettering himself. Now, while I'm sure quite a few of the guys involved in this scandal are using it more like a deragotory slur than a thesis statement, that's not what it's originally supposed to mean. The term was most recently popularized by Spike Lee in a lecture at Washington State University, but its really been around for thousands of years. The Chinese called the concept Kun-Lun, which referred to quite literally magical black slaves that featured in hundreds of fairy tales and local legends; leaping into rivers, dodging spears, and dying epic, noble deaths just for the honor of serving their masters in some small way.
Probably nothing like this.
See, its not insulting somebody to call them a Magic Negro, unless theyre actually magical and of African-American descent, in which case just call them by their first name - dont be a dick. It isnt insulting a black man to infer that hes incredibly wise or insightful (thats one of those racial stereotypes whose flattery offsets the inherent ignorance - like how Latinos are dangerously sexy, Asians are good at math and karate, and all New Zealanders have super-strength and can fly, but only when nobodys looking.) Its actually just pointing out the subtle racism inherent in relegating a black man to a servant's role even if hes so fucking smart that its like a magic power.
Shanklin wasnt digging on Obama for being so sagacious that it seems like hes got Cliffs Notes for life, he was digging on liberals for thinking of Obama like the worlds most powerful manservant - here to use his super-secret Economy Vision to blast away the national debt, and punch Big Oil in the gut so hard that it vomits up maintenance-free windmills. The guy is a step in the right direction, sure, but the largely white liberal-base is expecting so much of him that there very well could be blood in the streets if the end of his first term doesn't see every American employed at the golden blowjob factory with full health coverage, free mansions, and a working Hoverboard in every garage. They're viewing him very much like a Magic Negro character, here to mysteriously guide us white folks along without ever advancing himself, or suffering any kind of human fault along the way.
Now, a lot of people can be forgiven for not realizing the real meaning of the term. Literary rhetoric isnt exactly pop-culture fodder, being shouted into the faces of blas supermodels by hip-hop moguls on MTV.
Fuck yeah, I know what deconstructionism is. Don't assume shit, bitch.
But you know who should be intimately familiar with Liberal Arts terminology?
Fucking Liberals! This is your stereotype, guys!
The chief tactic you have in appearing intelligent is the ability to spout inscrutable bullshit about pop culture, and make it sound like its a real thing. If you cant rattle off a few thousand words of dense literary terminology about the emotional schism between duty and self in Quentin Tarantinos Reservoir Dogs, then how the hell will everybody know how much smarter you are than them? My god, youd have to start doing math or something! And lets face it, if you were good with numbers you probably wouldnt be a liberal in the first place. Now, I know that it is, in fact, a stereotype voting liberally does not necessarily equate to a Liberal Arts major but like it or not, stereotypes are there for a reason, and somebody should be setting the record straight on this one. Not all Republicans are shit-kickin cowboys, but if rush Limbaugh couldnt tell the difference between Toby Keith and Tim McGraw, you can bet somebody would be calling him out on it. Just like not all Asians are arithmetic-prone martial artists, but if Jackie Chan suddenly couldnt tell the difference between addition and a jump-kick, you know the Asian jokes would start flying.
Hey, Jackie. Whats three-hundred and seventeen plus two-hundred and si- WHOA, HEY! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!
So when bleeding heart-liberals cant tell the difference between racial epithets and literary terminology, they deserve all the scorn they can get. But thats not to say my heart doesnt go out to them. I want to help you, my puppy-kissing, money-wasting, Sedaris-reading friends. So, in order to prevent future cultural faux pas like this one, lets do a quick rundown, shall we? Here is a list of famous black characters. Can you tell which are actually magical, and which are Magic Negroes?
It's trickier than you might think!
Answer: Magic Negro
Answer: Actually Magic
Answer: Magic Negro
Answer: Actually Magic
Answer: Magic Negro
Answer: Both
Answer: Just Crazy
Answer: Not Black
Answer: Actually Magic
You can read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots, or you can just burn him in effigy. But before you do that, you should know that he wears glasses. Accuracy is very important in effigies.
I'm confused. Being employed at above referenced factory implies that you provide blowjobs to customers. Or is it the other way around and consumers...well...consume?
Replythat was good.
ReplyDude! I had no idea!
ReplyI'm guessing Morgan Freeman is largely responsible for this phenomenon...
And Madonna, too.
Wow, I was really sure that was racist... o_O
@ blackflag
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesWhy would the republicans produce and distribute a song for the sole reason that it contains negro and obama in the same sentence? That makes no fucking sense. say what you will about the republicans, but they have some pretty keen political strategists. and publicizing a song for the sole reason that it uses vaguely racist terminology in reference to obama would be a suicidal move, unless they actually meant something else by it. which they did.
use your brain, dipshit. i'm in no way a republican, but nor am i dumb or elitist enough to simplify a complicated foe.
Nobody said the RNC produced the song and it wasn't the RNC that distributed it, it was Chip Saltsman. It's not hard to imagine him letting his self-preservation slip once he felt comfortable. (cough) Micheal Steele. I can't be sure, but it seems reasonable that republicans would enjoy, if not stand endorse, a song that could easily be used simply to mention n***o and black together and rally their crazed base. As for Rush, you know that's why he played it. The Republicans would never give Obama that much credit or paint him in a sympathetic light.
oops
Nobody said the RNC produced the song and it wasn't the RNC that distributed it, it was Chip Saltsman. It's not hard to imagine him letting his self-preservation slip once he felt comfortable. (cough) Micheal Steele. I can't be sure, but it seems reasonable that republicans would enjoy, if not endorse, a song that could easily be used simply to mention n***o and black together and entice their crazed base. As for Rush, you know that's why he played it. That d*****t would never give Obama that much credit or paint him in a sympathetic light. But yes Saltsman COULD have simply meant it as a joke about democrats.
I like to think he wasn't aware of the literary meaning. That the audience he was playing to isn't evil AND smart.
wtf
This was a very interesting and amusing post. I have to disagree with you, though, about the Republicans use of the term not being offensive. You seem to assume that A) they are familiar with the literary use of the term and B) that was the meaning that was intended. Just because the term traditionally has a non-offensive usage does not mean that their use of it wasn't meant to be demeaning.
ReplyThe best thing to come out of the Obama presidency so far is all the right wing crazies who try to turn his name into a pun. "Obambi", really? I don't know what's worse; that or "Oblahblah."
ReplyThat being said, he's an asshole like every other politician, and this was a great article.
I had to literally bite the inside of my cheeks to keep from screaming out with laughter here at work. I'm black and I really enjoyed this article. I also like to think of myself as magical.
ReplyOh gimme a break.
Reply"Paul Shanklin didn’t write this song to critique a post-modern theory of african-american portrayals in popular American film.
Rush Limbaugh didn’t play it because he thought it raised some good points about liberals’ over-expectations of Obama.
Chip Saltsman didn’t distribute the song because he thought it showcased a new idea for Republican strategy.
They wrote, played and distributed the song because it gave them the opportunity to use the words ‘Barack’ and ‘negro’ in the same sentence."
^This x100.
Don't be afraid to write more political articles man, this shit was pure gold (like all of your stuff really).
ReplyPretty entertaining, but not as dead on as I might have hoped. Saying that its not insulting to call Barack Obama a Magic Negro, is kind of like saying Margaret Thatcher was a good Prime Minister...... for a woman. But wait, she was a really smart and capable woman who was actually better than a lot of the men. It's still incredibly insulting.
ReplyAnd although there certainly is room to intelligently discuss the parallels of Obama being a real-life Magical Negro without having to be labeled a racist, I have to go with Dirtmo on this. Limbaugh is not exactly the academic type.
Granted, irrational hippie liberals who don't know what they're talking about should be made fun of mercilessly. However, relegating the most powerful man on the planet to a servile position because of his race is probably a reasonable thing to get worked up about.
Fucking brilliant!
ReplySorry, kids, but you can't heap this one on Rush.
ReplyAl Sharpton was the first to call Obambi the Magic Negro, and it was reported in the LA Times by a black reporter. If you want to try to make an argument that blacks are no longer allowed to use racial epithets amongst themselves, then I'd like to direct your attention to the Rap section of any music store.
Right-wing songwriter Paul Shanklin did make the song (sung to the tune of Puff the Magic Dragon) with the singer doing a damn good impression of Al Sharpton. Limbaugh played it, as he does to pretty much all of Shenklin's songs, and laughed out loud at it, as he usually does (in case you haven't heard any of Shenklin's stuff, it's pretty damn funny. Cracked could do worse than to link his site.)
The only real racism here is the usual left-wing battle cry when they have no actual pertinent argument. Two black men called another black man (half black, actually) a magic negro. A white guy made a funny song about, and another white guy played it on the radio and laughed. So naturally, it's the white guys who are at fault.
I'd call it Change You Can Believe In, but it's just more of the same liberal whining.
This article is absolutely hilarious.
ReplyI just recently read 'How Not To Write A Cracked Article' and wanted to see what all the fuss was about, and I still don't get it...
Brockway I think you are my favourite.
(According to the spell checker my spelling on favourite is incorrect, boooo!)
[...] Magic Negro-gate: How Liberals Confused Obama With Kazaam [...]
ReplyWow, I think this one really touched a nerve with some people! I'm amazed that anyone thinks this is an attack on Republicans. I thought it was funny and interesting and absolutely love Brockway's style. Dumbasses aren't relegated to just one political affiliation. So can I still be a Republican?
ReplyPlease?
damn
I just read your answer to that correction.
ReplyWell, if you WANT the baby Jesus to cry, I suppose I can't stop you.
There's only 1 (one) "k" in "Yankovic." See it? One. I'm sure at least one other commenter has pointed this out, but the point needs to be driven home.
ReplyA public apology is expected by tomorrow.
I've actually known about the magical negro for a long time (like morpheus or the oracle in the matrix), and the thing is Barack IS a real life magical negro.
ReplyOh, and Kazaam is a magical negro too.
Also, the only reason why this article was written was because of that last article about Obama lambasting conservatives got so much shit from the rednecks who sleep cradling their guns.
The reason why it's called "liberal arts" is because it's the opposite of the "servile arts". The liberal arts are the things that you don't need to work on a farm like a serf (hence "servile), so it was reserved for the rich and aristocracy because it was "liberating".
Come along if you are not black! It's sure to be the adventure of a cracker time!
Reply...Cracker!...
Wtf are you doing on cracked if you're a fucking conservative? Conservatives don't have a sense of humor. Ever watched "The 1/2 hour News Hour"? Without vomiting of shame?
ReplyAlso, see dirtmo.